StoptheDrama Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 that turns otherwise strong, self-sufficient women into needy fools? I'm not implying that happens to all OW - I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and am appalled at the level I sunk to. I've always been independent and self-sufficient from a very young age and I just can't believe how needy and desperate for his attention/affection I became. Even now, I have my good and bad days. There's still this part of me that wants to believe in him and it drives me nuts...
SidLyon Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 that turns otherwise strong, self-sufficient women into needy fools? I'm not implying that happens to all OW - I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and am appalled at the level I sunk to. I've always been independent and self-sufficient from a very young age and I just can't believe how needy and desperate for his attention/affection I became. Even now, I have my good and bad days. There's still this part of me that wants to believe in him and it drives me nuts... Unfortunately it's not just the OW, as a BW I also became the same way. Previously I was confident and secure in my life then literally overnight I became hesitant, unsure and needing almost constant affirmation from my H. S
ladydesigner Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Same thing happened to me. I never was this obsessive or needy over anyone. My Affair ended one year ago, I am a MW and he was the OM who had a SO. Well him breaking it off only added to my neediness and obsessing over him but I feel I am FINALLY starting to get over him. If I were you I would end the affair before he does. It really is only going to end in heartache to everyone involved, especially you.
fooled once Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 that turns otherwise strong, self-sufficient women into needy fools? I'm not implying that happens to all OW - I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and am appalled at the level I sunk to. I've always been independent and self-sufficient from a very young age and I just can't believe how needy and desperate for his attention/affection I became. Even now, I have my good and bad days. There's still this part of me that wants to believe in him and it drives me nuts... Right there with you. I didn't understand how I went from a strong, independent woman to a whiny, needy, crying mess.
Author StoptheDrama Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Thanks Sid & ladydesigner... Sid - as a BW, what about it do you think made you feel that way? The A as a whole? The lies? Games? I'm just wondering because there's a commonality there between BW and OW. I know in my case he lied to us both, played games (with me, I know that for certain) and basically played us both. ladydesigner - I ended it (for the millionth time) well over a month ago but we work together so I've not been able to go full NC... I think that makes my recovery so difficult sometimes...and I end up spending too much time (any time is too much) reflecting on the A...and my behavior...his behavior....ugh! Sometimes I feel like I love him (never wanted to use that word with regard to him)...sometimes I despise him...& sometimes I despise myself...(double) ugh...
foreal Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 what about it do you think made you feel that way? The A as a whole? The lies? Games? I'm just wondering because there's a commonality there between BW and OW. I know in my case he lied to us both, played games (with me, I know that for certain) and basically played us both. BW here. Yes, all of the above. Plus, knowing the one you love is/was banging someone else as well as sharing intimate thoughts and feelings (be you OW or BW) tends to mess with your head and heart.
SidLyon Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Thanks Sid & ladydesigner... Sid - as a BW, what about it do you think made you feel that way? The A as a whole? The lies? Games? I'm just wondering because there's a commonality there between BW and OW. I know in my case he lied to us both, played games (with me, I know that for certain) and basically played us both. While I had only one d-day my H's affair had started 7 years earlier. I suppose it was literally shock at the betrayal and the extent of it. There was also the knowledge that my H had been hiding a significant aspect of himself from me for so long and the realisation that I didn't really know him at all. I read somewhere that it's very similar to PTSD - a normal person experiences a profound event and they suffer an extreme range of symptoms as a result. Would it be the same for an OW who was seriously deceived about the MM intentions? S
Mino Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 good question... I myself have thought about this often. I am very successful in all the things I do, I set my mind to it and I succeed. There is no room for failure in my life. Now on the other hand when it came to THIS relationship, I felt I had very little control over it, I think thats the part that drove me nuts. Was it patience that was need, bam, I got patience, (even though I normally dont have any patience generly) Was it understanding for his situation that was needed, bam, I found it. It is wierd, how I found what was needed to stay in the A so long, and the fusteration that it brought along was really more then I could bare. But it was like, no, Mino,,, dont give up.. twisted huh:o
Author StoptheDrama Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 I read somewhere that it's very similar to PTSD - a normal person experiences a profound event and they suffer an extreme range of symptoms as a result. Would it be the same for an OW who was seriously deceived about the MM intentions? S I imagine it would be... I know in my case not leaving his wife was about the only thing he was honest about...
Author StoptheDrama Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 good question... I myself have thought about this often. I am very successful in all the things I do, I set my mind to it and I succeed. There is no room for failure in my life. Now on the other hand when it came to THIS relationship, I felt I had very little control over it, I think thats the part that drove me nuts. Was it patience that was need, bam, I got patience, (even though I normally dont have any patience generly) Was it understanding for his situation that was needed, bam, I found it. It is wierd, how I found what was needed to stay in the A so long, and the fusteration that it brought along was really more then I could bare. But it was like, no, Mino,,, dont give up.. twisted huh:o Twisted is a good word for it, Mino... I know all too well what you wrote of... how did we allow this to happen to ourselves...
OpenBook Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I think the MM (who typically feels he is starving for affection in his own M... and is also very well-trained by his W in being in an intimate relationship with a woman) comes along and makes you feel like a million bucks. He's very good at what he does. He awakens in you a recognition that yes, you are a unique and beautiful and marvelous being, a kaleidoscope of colors. Everything comes alive from the attention he showers on you, the glow in his eyes when he looks at you. The effect he has on you is what you become addicted to. What we fail to realize is that WE ARE STILL THE SAME WONDERFUL BEINGS regardless of whether he's in our life or not!! We had forgotten that... until the MM comes along who awakens it all in us again. And when that attention is taken away from us, it is like we are withdrawing from an addictive but killer drug. Very painful experience. And exponentially multiplied by the fact that the whole MM/OW relationship is WRONG. It wasn't supposed to happen! If only we could sustain that feeling about ourselves on our own, with or without a man. I think it would help us see things a lot more clearly BEFORE we step into ANY relationship that's not good for us!!
foreal Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I think the MM (who typically feels he is starving for affection in his own M... and is also very well-trained by his W in being in an intimate relationship with a woman) comes along and makes you feel like a million bucks. He's very good at what he does. He awakens in you a recognition that yes, you are a unique and beautiful and marvelous being, a kaleidoscope of colors. Everything comes alive from the attention he showers on you, the glow in his eyes when he looks at you. The effect he has on you is what you become addicted to. What we fail to realize is that WE ARE STILL THE SAME WONDERFUL BEINGS regardless of whether he's in our life or not!! We had forgotten that... until the MM comes along who awakens it all in us again. And when that attention is taken away from us, it is like we are withdrawing from an addictive but killer drug. Very painful experience. And exponentially multiplied by the fact that the whole MM/OW relationship is WRONG. It wasn't supposed to happen! If only we could sustain that feeling about ourselves on our own, with or without a man. I think it would help us see things a lot more clearly BEFORE we step into ANY relationship that's not good for us!! OpenBook: This post was so great to read and absorb- thank you, I needed that.
ContemplatingTheEnd Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I think the MM (who typically feels he is starving for affection in his own M... and is also very well-trained by his W in being in an intimate relationship with a woman) comes along and makes you feel like a million bucks. He's very good at what he does. Huh. Good point. Before this I had just thought the MM I was having an A with was really aware and in tune to staying in contact / aware of my needs. When, in reality, it's just that he's being doing it for nine years so of course he knows how to do it all... Thank you Open Book.
OpenBook Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 OpenBook: This post was so great to read and absorb- thank you, I needed that. Huh. Good point. Before this I had just thought the MM I was having an A with was really aware and in tune to staying in contact / aware of my needs. When, in reality, it's just that he's being doing it for nine years so of course he knows how to do it all... Thank you Open Book. You're welcome! Can you tell I've walked a mile or two in those moccasins?...
Author StoptheDrama Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 I think the MM (who typically feels he is starving for affection in his own M... and is also very well-trained by his W in being in an intimate relationship with a woman) comes along and makes you feel like a million bucks. He's very good at what he does. He awakens in you a recognition that yes, you are a unique and beautiful and marvelous being, a kaleidoscope of colors. Everything comes alive from the attention he showers on you, the glow in his eyes when he looks at you. The effect he has on you is what you become addicted to. What we fail to realize is that WE ARE STILL THE SAME WONDERFUL BEINGS regardless of whether he's in our life or not!! We had forgotten that... until the MM comes along who awakens it all in us again. And when that attention is taken away from us, it is like we are withdrawing from an addictive but killer drug. Very painful experience. And exponentially multiplied by the fact that the whole MM/OW relationship is WRONG. It wasn't supposed to happen! If only we could sustain that feeling about ourselves on our own, with or without a man. I think it would help us see things a lot more clearly BEFORE we step into ANY relationship that's not good for us!! Thanks, Openbook... you are so right about so many things...right down to "the glow in his eyes when he looks at you"... it was mesmerizing...even now, I still find myself drawn to that sometimes....if only I could find another job, then I wouldn't have to see that at all.... the way he looks at me still shows how much he wants me and sometimes that makes it so hard to stay away...and sometimes, when I think about all the nonsense, games, lies and drama, it makes me nauseas...
OpenBook Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Thanks, Openbook... you are so right about so many things...right down to "the glow in his eyes when he looks at you"... it was mesmerizing...even now, I still find myself drawn to that sometimes....if only I could find another job, then I wouldn't have to see that at all.... the way he looks at me still shows how much he wants me and sometimes that makes it so hard to stay away...and sometimes, when I think about all the nonsense, games, lies and drama, it makes me nauseas... Yup. It's like they're all operating from the same playbook. I have no doubt that their attraction to us is genuine, and they might even love us. But it's coming from the wrong source (which is often simply a desire for escape/pleasure from their real lives). They're just as confused (if not more so!) as us. They still love their W's... they had the same falling-in-love experience with her in the beginning; and now they share a history and a family together. It's bigger than we are, and not something that should be messed with.
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Just think now how free you are, how much you're going to gain back what you lost.. Yourself! You're wiser, smarter and won't put yourself in that type of situation again.(Atleast knowingly!)
Author StoptheDrama Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Yup. It's like they're all operating from the same playbook. I have no doubt that their attraction to us is genuine, and they might even love us. But it's coming from the wrong source (which is often simply a desire for escape/pleasure from their real lives). They're just as confused (if not more so!) as us. They still love their W's... they had the same falling-in-love experience with her in the beginning; and now they share a history and a family together. It's bigger than we are, and not something that should be messed with. Ironically xMM said something similar to me a few times regarding how confused he was and how our relationship had gotten bigger than either one of us... I just included that in with all the other games he played...
Author StoptheDrama Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Just think now how free you are, how much you're going to gain back what you lost.. Yourself! You're wiser, smarter and won't put yourself in that type of situation again.(Atleast knowingly!) Thanks WWIU! I'm going to make this my screen saver...
jj33 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Its awful. I have turned into an angry stressed out mess. Just having to respond to his emails causes my blood pressure to rise, I can feel the tension. I get so frustrated with the whole thing I break down in tears. And if it was anyone else sending the same email I wouldnt care. I tell myself not to respond but its so hurtful I cant help myself. And he shoots back with some nasty snippy response. All this time later it shouldnt be like this. And its such a negative way of relating to one another.
Author StoptheDrama Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Its awful. I have turned into an angry stressed out mess. Just having to respond to his emails causes my blood pressure to rise, I can feel the tension. I get so frustrated with the whole thing I break down in tears. And if it was anyone else sending the same email I wouldnt care. I tell myself not to respond but its so hurtful I cant help myself. And he shoots back with some nasty snippy response. All this time later it shouldnt be like this. And its such a negative way of relating to one another. JJ - I understand all too well and empathize with what you're going through... I go through the same thing with my xMM sometimes at work...he and I are both guilty of overreacting in emails...I cried again tonight; that's why I posted...had to get it out somehow... Like you, I have to deal with my xMM - there's no way to avoid it...it just makes the whole thing so much more difficult than it needs to be
fooled once Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Its awful. I have turned into an angry stressed out mess. Just having to respond to his emails causes my blood pressure to rise, I can feel the tension. I get so frustrated with the whole thing I break down in tears. And if it was anyone else sending the same email I wouldnt care. I tell myself not to respond but its so hurtful I cant help myself. And he shoots back with some nasty snippy response. All this time later it shouldnt be like this. And its such a negative way of relating to one another. I am so sorry he is still having that effect on you.
jj33 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Thanks. I think I have stopped the cycle now. Fingers crossed.
Owl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I think the MM (who typically feels he is starving for affection in his own M... and is also very well-trained by his W in being in an intimate relationship with a woman) comes along and makes you feel like a million bucks. He's very good at what he does. He awakens in you a recognition that yes, you are a unique and beautiful and marvelous being, a kaleidoscope of colors. Everything comes alive from the attention he showers on you, the glow in his eyes when he looks at you. The effect he has on you is what you become addicted to. What we fail to realize is that WE ARE STILL THE SAME WONDERFUL BEINGS regardless of whether he's in our life or not!! We had forgotten that... until the MM comes along who awakens it all in us again. And when that attention is taken away from us, it is like we are withdrawing from an addictive but killer drug. Very painful experience. And exponentially multiplied by the fact that the whole MM/OW relationship is WRONG. It wasn't supposed to happen! If only we could sustain that feeling about ourselves on our own, with or without a man. I think it would help us see things a lot more clearly BEFORE we step into ANY relationship that's not good for us!! Alright, Openbook. This needs to stop. I've noticed myself agreeing with you far too often of late. It needs to end, immediately! :) Good post, and one I can totally agree with.
Lizzie60 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I think the MM (who typically feels he is starving for affection in his own M... and is also very well-trained by his W in being in an intimate relationship with a woman) comes along and makes you feel like a million bucks. He's very good at what he does. He awakens in you a recognition that yes, you are a unique and beautiful and marvelous being, a kaleidoscope of colors. Everything comes alive from the attention he showers on you, the glow in his eyes when he looks at you. The effect he has on you is what you become addicted to. What we fail to realize is that WE ARE STILL THE SAME WONDERFUL BEINGS regardless of whether he's in our life or not!! We had forgotten that... until the MM comes along who awakens it all in us again. And when that attention is taken away from us, it is like we are withdrawing from an addictive but killer drug. Very painful experience. And exponentially multiplied by the fact that the whole MM/OW relationship is WRONG. It wasn't supposed to happen! If only we could sustain that feeling about ourselves on our own, with or without a man. I think it would help us see things a lot more clearly BEFORE we step into ANY relationship that's not good for us!! OB... best post in a long time ! This post should be pinned...
Recommended Posts