SoulSearch_CO Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 if a girl insists on paying during the first few dates then she is most likely not interested in the dude. What if she genuinely offers, but doesn't insist? I offered the first few times and kinda felt guilty...like I was saying I wasn't interested, or something. I was trying to be polite.
Author redhighheels Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 That's easy. Don't offer if you're not really interested in following through. To me I guess it's a test to gauge his interest level in me. If I offer and he accepts, I'm just going to assume he's not all that interested. By the looks of it, he might be interested but maybe doesn't want to offend me? If I'm not interested, it's money well spent as far as I'm concerned and I have no expectations that he pays anything for me.
Thornton Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I would never expect a guy to pay for me; I'd always have the expectation of paying my share, and I'd be nicely surprised and impressed if he did offer to pay. If he did offer I'd accept gracefully - unless I'd already decided 100% that I didn't want to see him again, then it would be rude and greedy to allow him to pay for me, so I'd offer to pay my share. If he had paid for dinner, I think it would be a nice gesture for me to buy drinks or something later on, or even lunch on another day, even if it didn't cost quite as much. In a longer-term relationship, I'd expect our spending to relate roughly to how much we earn. If he earned significantly more than me it would be nice for him to pay a little more often, and vice versa - but him paying would always be a nice gesture that was much appreciated, never an expectation on my part.
Vet Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 To me I guess it's a test to gauge his interest level in me. If I offer and he accepts, I'm just going to assume he's not all that interested. By the looks of it, he might be interested but maybe doesn't want to offend me? If I'm not interested, it's money well spent as far as I'm concerned and I have no expectations that he pays anything for me. If it's possible to overthink this, then I believe you have done it. Every tiny nuance does not always have a deeper meaning. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. If you offer, it's a reasonable expectation that he will accept.
Author redhighheels Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 If it's possible to overthink this, then I believe you have done it. Every tiny nuance does not always have a deeper meaning. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. If you offer, it's a reasonable expectation that he will accept. LOL! I'm a woman, it's my job to overanalyze! But yeah, what you're saying makes sense.
confusedcookie Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Haha, if i guy does not pay for the bill, there's no second date... this guy didn't even offer to pay for my coffee... omg it's not about the money, it's about him being interested enough to make an effort usually when we ask for the bill and it comes, i'll offer to pay, and then he'll say no, and i ask a second time, and if he still says no, i say thank you, and go to the bathroom. Then i don't have to deal with the awkwardness of watching him fill in and sign the bill, and stuff. my friend on the other hand, waits till they get the bill and then makes her exit to the bathroom and expects it to be paid and done by the time she gets out... haha then again, we are both asia... so yes, guys are kind of expected to pay for dinners. i don't mind buying him groceries, clothes, and etc, but its a manly thing to foot the bill in my opinion
thegreatmoose Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I read something in another thread that piqued my interest and I'm curious to figure out the relationship between a man's interest level in a woman and his willingness to pay for a date. So, gentlemen... Do you foot the bill or insist on it when you're interested in the woman? If she offers to go Dutch, do you accept only when you're not interested? If she doesn't offer, do you assume she's interested or not? This is the simplest part of dating. I pay, unless she insists that we split the check. Never a problem.
Trojan John Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 This is so ridiculously antiquated, and I'm so glad that I'm married. I'm not sure where you all go for dates, but going out here cost about 50 chf for myself, minimum. Imagine going out up to five times per week, having to pay for oneself and the date. Just split the bill down the middle, drinks and all. That way, you can actually communicate with words that you're interested in the other party.
love_confusion Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Actually I think if she wants to go Dutch it can mean one of several things: 1. She doesn't want their to be any "expectations" (ie: You pay for dinner, you score). 2. She isn't interested. 3. She's checking to see if I will offer to pay first and then, if I do, she can choose to accept or not. 4. She's generally not interested in me. Coming from a female perspective, all of those assumptions are correct...at least in my case. I guess, I don't like for a guy to always pay because I like to see where things are going first. If the guy is going to pay, I don't want him to think it's going to get serious right away. However, sometimes I'll offer to pay just to see his reaction. The last guy I went out with didn't even try to fight me on it, he just said "Okay. Who am I to argue with you?" I didn't really like that, but let it go because, after all, I did offer to pay.
musicfan876 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 It is ridiculous to say that men these day's don't pay or that men enjoy paying. Most men pay but mostly out of obligation.
2sure Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 You know the topic/debate regarding men paying for most dates, first dates, all dates has just been done to death on all sides. The man paying is traditional. It implies a bunch of things to both sides. For men, its unfair and often a burden. Especially because people now have so many opportunities to have first date/meet n greets than they used to. But its not all women's fault - whether they prefer it or not. Most guys insist on paying, many men basically throw money at women when they first start dating. We dont know why. So , if men are questioning women why they should have the burden of paying...ask your fellow men first.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 It is ridiculous to say that men these day's don't pay or that men enjoy paying. Most men pay but mostly out of obligation. WTF? That's a load of crap. I don't even feel OBLIGATED to provide supporting experiences.
Turista Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 (edited) My last girlfriend the narcissist did crazy hot sex if one blew a lot of money on her. That was fun, and I admit I'm a guy who fell for it at first, but I'm really looking for something more mutually supportive than pay for play. And it was ultimately unfulfilling to experience this arrangement, especially under the lie that it was a relationship involving stuff like love and commitment. Towards the end, she'd even hint at kinky things that would happen if only I'd front the cash to do some expensive nonsense with her. Turning pragmatic for a moment, her rate was, I suspect, competitive with those who do this for a living... With a lower risk of STDs at the expense of no variety... Ladies, and the ones I'm talking about know exactly who they are, WTF? As a successful guy, all you're doing is turning me into the kind of guy you all complain about. In her defense, she was, to be fair, happy to buy the first round of drinks after dinner. This saved her money, fed her burgeoning alcoholism, and was what she would have done anyway if I weren't along. She really liked to drink... Any suggestion that she ought to occasionally devote some of her attention to me and make me feel wanted other than as the result of spending $500 or more on her was met with downright hostility and occasional resentful compliance (and we're talking maybe happily picking up a $25 dinner date now and then to show I was important to her as well). This got me labelled as cheap, and the best quote on this subject after we broke up was "I was a trophy girlfriend and you just didn't treat me like one."* And lest you get the idea that I really was cheap. I bailed her pathetic ass out of foreclosure and was dumped several months later. She got what she needed, she moved on... And of course, like all true lunatics, she wants to remain friends. *And on this subject, I believe it's important to note that the trophy is in its mid-40s. Very well preserved, but the warranty on said trophy has long since expired, and while I'm not the kind of guy to treat women as commodities in the least, when they themselves put themselves there willingly and indeed insist on doing so, I'm happy to switch outlook and rate them as such. Edited October 8, 2009 by Turista
Turista Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 As for my first date tendencies, I think the person who asked the other one out should pay, and the recipient should at least offer to do so... I just got that last night. I feels so incredibly good... Especially in contrast to the experiences involving the last person... I insisted on paying and as she protested, I told her the second date's on her, which made her smile and agree as she realized that yes I do want a second date with her...
clv0116 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 You know the topic/debate regarding men paying for most dates, first dates, all dates has just been done to death on all sides. The man paying is traditional. It implies a bunch of things to both sides. For men, its unfair and often a burden. It's a core part of the male and female mate selection process. One key thing women look for is the ability and willingness of a male to sacrifice "things of value" (today, dollars) for her benefit and by extension for the future family.
phineas Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 In all honesty, I don't ask a woman out unless I have a high interest in her. Then I insist on paying. If the woman asks me out then I insist on paying my half but not more unless she insists on paying more than I insist. Then I let her have her way.
Turista Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 In all honesty, I don't ask a woman out unless I have a high interest in her. Then I insist on paying. If the woman asks me out then I insist on paying my half but not more unless she insists on paying more than I insist. Then I let her have her way. And that is, I think, the optimal strategy for the golddigger to play... It completely masks the golddigging intent, reveals the generosity of the person doing the asking, and the golddigger gets the date paid for and smells like a rose simultaneously... If the golddigger ends up paying half, they know enough to keep the second date from happening and such an inexpensive time saver in the hunt for a proper parsitic host! But don't let 'em know that! If they get all Jedi mind tricky about this, we're doomed! And in fact, I had a fascinating conversation with a date about this very topic last night as we compared our individual battles in the war to find true love. We're going out again BTW, it was a no-brainer, and I paid, happily...
Johnny M Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Do you foot the bill or insist on it when you're interested in the woman? If she offers to go Dutch, do you accept only when you're not interested? If she doesn't offer, do you assume she's interested or not? When I get the bill, I don't pay it right away, thus giving the woman the opportunity to split it. If she wants to pay her half, I assume that she went on a date with me because she was actually interested in me, not because she was interested in a free meal. If the woman doesn't offer to pay on the first date, I don't hold that against her. However, if this behavior continues on subsequent dates, I assume she's a golddigger and stop seeing her as a serious prospect...for a long-term relationship.
Thornton Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I will only let a guy pay for me if I really like him and I'm interested in seeing him again, otherwise I feel greedy and somewhat obligated. If I insist on paying my share, it means I don't want to owe the guy anything. I think it works the opposite way for guys - they don't mind paying for a woman they really like, but deep down they feel somewhat annoyed at having to pay for her if they don't really like her.
caseinpoint Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 I've heard this from a few girl friends, that they "weren't allowed" to pay. Some guys would tell them that they would pay for the current meal and they (my girl friends) can pay the next. What does that really mean? That they want to see them again or just a way to insist they get to be the gentlemen?
ecm Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 how lame, why not just neuter your date instead? lol lol lol
ecm Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 So, all of these years I thought I was doing the right thing by offering to pay for myself... I was secretly telling men I wasn't interested? WTF? I just didn't want anyone to think that IIIIIIII expected them to pay for me. (Like those girls who go out JUST to get guys to buy them drinks. ) Jheesh. I see why b*tches get all the guys now. Thanks for this interesting post, red high heels
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 if a girl insists on paying during the first few dates then she is most likely not interested in the dude. From my experience, the exact opposite is true. But I guess it also depends on the kind of women you are dating.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Men: Do you not even want her to offer? It seems discourteous to me not even to offer. I go for the wallet, and then he says he's got it. I've never just sat there and smiled without even offering to pitch in.
Johnny M Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 What if she is interested and she does offer to pay, but doesn't really expect the man to accept, and at the same time she doesn't want to come across as a golddigger by not offering? That means she's into playing games. If you don't expect to pay, then don't offer to pay. I mean, what kind of bullsh*t is that? Would you offer someone a ride with the expectation that they would say no and take the bus? Would offer to help a friend with his school assignment expecting him to hire a private tutor instead? So how is this any different? It seems like you want to have your cake and eat it too (not pun intended). You want the guy to take you out and pay for you while at the same time appearing like a modern, independent woman who is perfectly willing to pay her share.
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