lovehurting Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I have been married to my wife for almost 4 years now. I did not touch my wife for almost 2 months as i don't have any connection with her and we sleep on separate beds. she sleeps with my dauter. yesterday i told her i want to rean a place closer to work and live there and visit them on week ends. She said are you having an affair ?. I said no. She said she will be devastated if she comes to know that and that i am breaking the marriage vow if i did that. she started crying and went to bed. in the middle of the night i felt so bad i went to her bed and slept near her. now i feel so bad why i did that. I have no love for her like before. I feel like i want to be single again. I dont like this emotional blackmail. i dont have the guts right now to ask for separation or divorce. dont know what to do.
lupa Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Marriage counseling. Try every avenue available to you until all possibilities are exhausted, and then you can quit. I think since you promised yourself to her forever, you better be damned sure that it is done.
LisaUk Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I agree with Lupa. Out of interst why do you say your w is emotionally blackmailing you? Do you not think it is possible that since you have told her you want to leave, she may actually be very upset? Have a read around this board and you will see just how upset people are when their spouse leaves them. It is possible to rekindle love, you once felt very much in love with your w, don't you want to feel that way again? Please go to MC before you make any decisions.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Yup, you two need to fix your marriage. Do counselling together and talk about what's really going on.. You feel neglected as a husband, meanwhile she's cuddling up to your daughter and sleeping with her at night. How old is your daughter?
GorillaTheater Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Just to clarify, you're in the middle of an affair and have had at least one or two more in the past, correct lovehurting?
GorillaTheater Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Well then, she may well suspect you are having an affair, and is devastated over that possibility as well as a pretty obviously crumbling marriage. Emotional blackmail? No, she's not trying to manipulate you, she's trying to keep her sanity. Man up and tell her the truth. Yes, you're having an affair. Yes, you've had several more in the past. Yes, you want out of this marriage. She'll take it hard, but at some point she'll move on and meet someone who'll love her. You owe her that much, at the very least.
lupa Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I have to say, I have very little respect for someone who would have an affair while married. That just disgusts me. She deserves better than someone that selfish.
LisaUk Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 In that case I agree with Gorilla, only when you tell her everything, let her decide if she wants to give you a chance with MC. You made vows to this women, you need to start honouring. IMHO.
silic0ntoad Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I have to say, I have very little respect for someone who would have an affair while married. That just disgusts me. She deserves better than someone that selfish. Agreed. Tell her the truth. All of it. And tell her why. Then, be a MAN and try to fix it through counselling. Try every avenue to get it fixed before you give up.
Owl Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I'd agree with the other posters on this. Why are you angry at her for being hurt and upset because she suspects that you're involved in an affair...which you are!??? This makes no sense to me. She's not blackmailing you...frankly, you're the one who is creating her emotional trauma and distress by the way you're treating her... She might not "know" that you're cheating, but she certainly senses it in your actions/behaviors/attitudes. Then you compound her confusion and stress by lying to her face about it. What do you expect her to do...welcome you home from the OW's arms with milk and cookies??? Man up...confess...and file for divorce, thereby freeing your wife to be with a man capable of loving her.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 My mistake, I didn't see that he was having an affair, or had one (two).. She knows..Knows something isn't right. Her gut is screaming to her.. Be honest and tell her the truth. Confirm it and then either work on the marriage together or divorce. But, for the sake of your child, if it's possible to save the marriage, do all that you can, give it your best. To lie, hide and make her feel like there's something wrong with her, meanwhile you're out and about doing whatever is cruel.
phineas Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I'd agree with the other posters on this. Why are you angry at her for being hurt and upset because she suspects that you're involved in an affair...which you are!??? This makes no sense to me. She's not blackmailing you...frankly, you're the one who is creating her emotional trauma and distress by the way you're treating her... She might not "know" that you're cheating, but she certainly senses it in your actions/behaviors/attitudes. Then you compound her confusion and stress by lying to her face about it. What do you expect her to do...welcome you home from the OW's arms with milk and cookies??? Man up...confess...and file for divorce, thereby freeing your wife to be with a man capable of loving her. My God. The OP is acting exactly the way my wife did before I got proof. It was all my fault for accusing her of being in an affair & causing undue stress in her life & her denying an affair should of been all I needed to stop my "crazy" behavior. Yet, she was having an affair and the way I was acting was because of that affair. Ya know, when I see someone else posting from the other side of the fence I can't believe their serious. YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE & SHE CAN FEEL IT. Your actions are making her withdraw from you. I did the same the thing when my wife started her affair. I noticed she was less than interested in me except for sex. I noticed a change in her behavior. It made me not want to be around her. Made me feel she doesn't deserve my love and affection when she's been giving hers to someone else. Why didn't I say something or confront her then? Because I didn't want to admit my marriage was over. Neither does your wife.
Auroracoladybug Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 my H did the whole leaving the bed because of the baby and then came to me and said he didn't know if he was in love with me...please take the time to talk to her and tell her the whole truth and then see what she wants...SHE IS CRYING BECAUSE SHE HURTS AND LOVES YOU! don't do what my H did and become paranoid that everything she does is a guilt trip...it is not meant as a guilt trip it is her feelings...I even tried handing my wedding band to him to show him that I was giving him the control of our marriage if he wanted to end it...his response "its just metal"...FU to me it is all my hopes, dreams, family, and future you Ahole... do you love her? If you do get MC don't move out and work with her to get your daughter in her own bed so you can actually comfort eachother all the time...
Green Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 dude she didn't emotionaly blackmail u. Man up and grow up. Be honest and treat her with the respect she deserves
deux ex machina Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I have been married to my wife for almost 4 years now. I did not touch my wife for almost 2 months as i don't have any connection with her and we sleep on separate beds. she sleeps with my dauter. yesterday i told her i want to rean a place closer to work and live there and visit them on week ends. She said are you having an affair ?. I said no. She said she will be devastated if she comes to know that and that i am breaking the marriage vow if i did that. she started crying and went to bed. in the middle of the night i felt so bad i went to her bed and slept near her. now i feel so bad why i did that. I have no love for her like before. I feel like i want to be single again. I dont like this emotional blackmail. i dont have the guts right now to ask for separation or divorce. dont know what to do. Interesting in how she is coming off to you. When someone is indifferent to someone else's pain, it's a horror - what that does. Their pain becomes annoying to you, irritating - even slightly ridiculous. Her pain must be inconvenient, no? Personally, I think you are inches away from outright contempt toward her, if not already there. As far as what to do, you know what to do. And where to get the strength to do it? Focus on her, for once. For whatever deity's sake, let this poor woman go - you are damaging this lady, you and I both know it - so stop it. Just. Stop. Kindly remove your head from where it is right now, go through the loss and uncertainty that this decision will cause (and you know it will...or you'd have been gone) - and stop being so selfish. And after you are gone, leave this woman's emotions alone. Don't play anymore games with her. No more mixed messages. Not anymore. Leave her be, ffs. Seriously. Good luck to you, to her, all of that - and I am apologize for what may come off as harsh - but believe me when I tell you I am actually holding off and being quite kind. The longer you stick around, the longer she shall suffer. You aren't helping her by being so very indecisive (i.e. selfish). It's too late. No MC, get out. She didn't get this way from you playing nice and fair. So I wouldn't play innocent if I were you, that self-pity. I am worried for her sanity. You don't get to do this to her anymore.
Author lovehurting Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 ok thanks all, i know i am not the right guy for her but she loves me a lot, i dont know how to tell her i just dont like her being hurt
Owl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I don't know that I understand what you're trying to say, or what you're asking for here. If you don't like her being hurt...stop hooking up with other women!!!! Or...at least LIMIT the amount of pain you're going to cause her, and file for divorce so that she can heal and find someone who WILL be faithful and love her like she deserves.
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