HBJen Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I am hoping that someone can help and provide me with some insight on how to deal with all of this. I am 29 years old, and 2.5 years ago I met the man of my dreams. We came from very different backgrounds (Small town boy, City Girl) and different countries (USA and Canada) - so of course, we had some struggles to come over. At first, of course, love made those issues disappear - but as time went on, it became difficult to cope. He lived here in Canada with me, and because he was not working a full-time job (just helped me part time with my company), he was starting to go stir crazy, which took a huge toll on our relationship. We started to bicker a lot - and get on eachothers nerves. Regardless of all this, every day we loved eachother and showed eachother that love we had. Finally, he decided about 1.5 months ago that he wants to move back to the US so that he can find a more permanent job and find himself again. I agreed it was a good idea, and said I would go with him. I asked him on several occasions if the problem was us and not the situation - and he said he wants more than anything for me to be with him, he just wants to get a life back (which I completely understood). I was sad to leave home - and the week before we left, I was crying alot because my mom was really sad. Of course, that put more pressure on him, because he cant handle pressure very well at all. Conflict was really not his thing. We left and moved to the US and started looking for a house while staying at his parents. It was frustrating, cause we couldnt find something that we wanted/could agree on. But, even the day before he had sat me down and gave me a speech about how we love eachother and that I dont need to be stressed out, we will find something that suits us well. Then Sunday came, 5 days after we went to the US, and he said to me out of nowhere that he is too frustrated and confused, doesnt know what he wants and that he wants to take me back to Canada. So just like that, he drove me home. The man I was engaged to, and madly in love with - just didnt want to be with me anymore. He said that he feels lost and frustrated all the time, and that he wants to find himself again. So now he is staying at his moms, trying hard to find work - and dealing with those frustrations instead. We talked a few times during the first week of the breakup - and then after a decent conversation we had on the phone - he wrote me an email and said: "Anyways I have been thinking a lot today and I think that we need to have some time without contact. I don't know how long but I can't have contact with you and try to clear my mind of what happened with us in the end. I will never be able to forget it and there will never be any chance for us if I don't take the time that I need to forget about the situation. I am sorry that this is probably sounding out of the blue but it has to be said. I feel like I am thinking like an ******* right now but I need this and so do you if ever we could forget what had happened to us at the end of things." So now it has been a week since we have talked, I have respected his wishes and have not bothered him. The problem is, my heart still aches the same it did the minute he told me that he wanted to take me home. I miss him so very much and I dont know what to do with myself. I dont have a lot of friends here, I work from home - and all I can do is think about him. I feel like I am just sitting here letting the best thing that ever happened to me slip away minute by minute. I just dont know how to cope. I want him back so bad, and I miss his love so much. I dont want to think about this every second of the day, but its literally consuming me. What should I do? Shouldnt I be somewhat better now? Its been almost 3 weeks. Thanks for the advice. Broken Hearted Jen
utterer of lies Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 What should I do? Try to move on. Shouldnt I be somewhat better now? Its been almost 3 weeks. No. It will take a lot longer for you to heal.
silic0ntoad Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 It's hard to decipher what his feelings are. It seems maybe he felt a little batty about being in a country he wasn't familiar with, with few friends, and maybe felt a little smothered if you worked with him, at home. I can see how that put alot of strain on the relationship. I wouldn't contact him. Honestly, I don't know what his deal is other than being smothered. But give it time. Don't be so hard on yourself. This usually takes alot of time.
Author HBJen Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Thank you for your thoughts. I am glad to know that I am not just being obsessive and that my feeling this way isnt out of the ordinary. Its tough when you love someone so much, and do so much for them - to see them just disappear. You are right Toad, it was a lot of feeling smothered and being in a strange place - that is what makes it hard - is knowing that it was the situation that was the problem, not US. Any normal human beings in our situation, would go nuts - and we were finally doing something to fix it. Its really hard to think that it was too late - especially when I still feel so strongly about him. I havent contacted him at all (which is totally out of character for me). My worry is that time will continue to pass, he will not have the situational issues anymore - and will remain content....and as time goes on, will just accept it for what it is. "out of sight, out of mind" sort of thing.
silic0ntoad Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Presence strengthens love. Absence sharpens it. That's what I believe. And if he doesn't come back, he may not have felt love, but a mix of other things- obligation, infatuation. It's a strange symptom of the human condition to mistake what the heart says for something else. Trust your head and your gut. Your heart lies. I know how hard it is, sweetie. Trust me. We were together 3.5 years and she left me on I don't knows. Never got a true answer. Trying to deal. Coping. But humans aren't built to cope well. I think he may come back in time. But the manner of his coming back may not be to your liking, as is usually the case. You need to arm yourself- to get over him. NC works because, as it always gets worse before it gets better, it does eventually get better. You need to understand that. And situations can be tolerated. If he isn't strong enough to tolerate his enviroment, he'll never learn to swim, so to speak, and shouldn't be in a committed relationship to begin with.
Author HBJen Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 For a man who is heartbroken, you are very insightful mate. Thank you. "Presence strengthens love. Absence sharpens it." - that was a great thing to say, and is something I will think about a lot today. Part of me thinks, because of the way he has reacted (in this situation and in the past) that maybe he doesnt understand how to deal with love, and that its possible that what he was feeling, maybe it wasnt love either. Its hard to cope ,with that of course, as it almost seems like a direct insult to myself - but, there is truth that lies there. OR maybe its just that because of where he is from and how he grew up (Small town & Sheltered from reality) - the way he loved me and the way he is dealing with things now are just a product of his upbringing. Again - thank you very much for your thoughts on the matter. I hope this gets easier - and at the same time, I hope that what I spent the past years working on, wasnt just my heart fooling me, but was my head telling me to stick with it. Beyond being a great love, he was my best friend - and was someone whom I looked up to in my life....its scary to lose something like that.
silic0ntoad Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Everything you said is possibly true. It's hard to face the reality of something earth shattering- especially if it defines who you are. My ex was a chameleon/runner. She absorbed my personality, and then fled when sh*t got real. Awesome and mature. Seems very similar to my situation minus the "smothered" aspect. He may simply need time apart and a breath of fresh air- you never know. But don't count on him coming back. Or set your heart to it. People can be fickle- it's a travesty when people can't connect the dots and recognize what they have. For now, enjoy the awesome candy- Aerobars all around! and try to do what you can to heal. I've found I feel my best when I am doing something wholly for me, that I didn't do with her, or when I was with her. It's totally mine. And totally devoid of her. Hopefully it helps. I will warn you- it gets FAR worse before it gets better. But that's the nature of the beast. You have to do everything that seemingly goes against your feelings to get what you NEED- not want, NEED in the end.
Author HBJen Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 People can be fickle- it's a travesty when people can't connect the dots and recognize what they have.. Well said. Dispite what issues were there, we had/have something very unique in eachother. If he doesnt figure that out - then he is losing out on something very rare in life. I mean, I am too - lol - but atleast I know what I had, and dont choose to hide from it. I just spoke to his mom, she msg'd me on MSN, like she does every day (He doesnt know, atleast I dont think). Generally we dont talk about him much - she just wants to see how I am. As normal, she asked how I was, and I said "about the same, miss him a lot today" and she said "He really misses you too". And then she asked if I was sleeping better, I told her "Still not sleeping through the night and keep waking up anxious" and she said "He is doing the same thing, finding it really hard sleeping without you". Then she said "He will contact you soon, I think". Im not holding onto that - and I didnt ask any of the questions - she offered the information. But, I cant help but take a bit of solice in the fact that I am not the only one suffering. It almost felt good to know he was too....that sounds terrible....but its the truth. How long has it been for you Toad? And as an added note, you may not realize this - but your words/thoughts/insight/kindness - have provided me with the best day I have had so far. Im still sobbing as I write this, lol - but, you have made me feel better about being me, for the first time in 3 weeks. Thank you.
silic0ntoad Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 How long has it been for you Toad? And as an added note, you may not realize this - but your words/thoughts/insight/kindness - have provided me with the best day I have had so far. Im still sobbing as I write this, lol - but, you have made me feel better about being me, for the first time in 3 weeks. Thank you. I appreciate that- glad I can make it even an ounce more bearable. For me? Well, it's been over 2 months of NC. Going on three. Been single for about 3 total. It's gotten better, as I think I am now through the worst of it. Temptation will tell you to heed his mother's words. Now, I won't lie, she may be right. But you can't let your heart get in the way. You have to start healing. Reason? If he doesn't come back, you'll hurt even more, the let down will be near unbearable. And there is nothing wrong with you at all. I don't know you per se, but every person is wonderful, beautiful and unique in their own way. You're no exception. Just have to realise that however this truly ENDS, you will be OK.
Author HBJen Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 ****! Even after everyone telling me over and over again on here - do not break NC.....well, I failed today. See, his mom contacted me again - and she said that he is really sad and not doing good these days. Said that he misses me and he loves me, but he needs to find himself and focus on himself....blah blah blah Anyway - I just felt the need to reach out, even though obviously with him not wanting to talk to me, I am not the person that should be reaching out. Its just that I know him, and even if he wanted to reach out to me, he wouldnt because he would be scared to upset me. So, I took the stride and just did it, against all words of wisdom from here. here is what I said: Hey XXXXX, I know you said you didnt want to talk, and I totally respect that (I hope you know that since I havent contacted you at all) - I just think about you, and really just wanted to touch base and see how you are doing. If you do want to talk, then great - would love to, but if not - I completely understand that too. I just wanted you to know that I am still here. x Jen Bah - I am mixed on whether I should have done that or not, but its too late I guess.
Recommended Posts