Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Yes my post was "harsh" and yes I still have lingering bitterness. I'll also admit that no two situations are exactly alike but I also know several facts. Most affairs seem like "love" because the parties engaging in the activity are living in a fantasy world. It's easy to think it's love when you don't have to deal with day to day life. You're not having to pick up his clothes off the floor or argue about bills, the kids, etc. An affair centers around only the fun part of a relationship. Do your research and see what the statistics say about the long term success of two people that started out in an affair, left their spouses for each other and started a real relationship. It's abysmal...I think the chances of staying together are like less than 10%. I think my wife's partner's revelation is much more common than you think. Speaking from a man's perspective (I want to preface this as a man who has NOT had an affair) I believe 99% of men have an affair for one reason only...sex. Women are different. The majority of them want an emotional connection. It's all smoke and mirrors. Also consider this...why would you want a long term relationship with a dude that cheated on his wife? What would prevent him from doing the same to you in the future? I'm not trying to beat you up...on the contrary. I'm only trying to slap a little reality into your brain before you go to the point of no return. I'd suggest two acceptable paths. 1-leave your spouse but stop the affair. Figure out what you really want in life but not at the expense of his wife and family. 2-stop the affair, be truthful with your husband and through the help of therapy see if your marriage can be fixed. In my opinion, continuing to do what your doing should NOT be an option. Good luck...I truly hope you make the right decision while you still can. I don't feel that you are trying to beat me up. I believe everyone here is entitled to their opinion, and I am happy to hear them. You are clearly speaking as a husband who was cheated on by his wife, and are a husband that has never cheated, so you obviously relate to my husband, and I need to hear 'his' perspective. I do agree with some of your comments above with an affair centering around the good things in a relationship only for sure. I am certain that's why everyone who enters into an Affair does it, as an escape from reality. Both of the paths you have mentioned above are what I am considering at the moment. I'm just not certain which one I will choose yet. I do sincerely thank you for your input.
misternoname Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Very happy to hear that. It's a very tough choice and I don't envy you but it has to be done. I was willing to give my ex a second chance but she couldn't comply...she ended up having another affair. I still think people can change so I'm not implying that your marriage can't be saved but staying with him is the more difficult path. Ultimately only you can decide where this ends up. For his sake I hope you do the right thing.
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 What concerns me here, is that so far I haven`t seen you show any concern for your husband`s feelings. How much damage you could possibly do to his capacity for trust in the future............. it seems like your only concern is getting your own needs met. Have you considered the stigma you may leave him with? You might end up getting divorced, but if he finds out that you betrayed him yet again................ He will be left with baggage that can haunt him in future relationships, he may never be able to feel safely loved again. Do you really want to be that cruel??? I realize I`m blowing very hard and harshly-but it takes a strong wind to clear a thick fog.................. Frestyle - you are correct, I have not posted anything with regard to concern about my husbands feelings. As I just posted earlier, I am ending this Affair - in one way or another - and will need to decide if I'm going forward completely alone, or if I will try to salvage what may be left of my marriage. What would I have said?? My husband is a wonderful man, and doesn't deserve what I am doing to him? I feel horrible about what I have done to him presently, and how it will affect him in the future? etc., those statements are all very true, are obvious responses from a person in my situation. OF COURSE I feel that way - he deserves better than me! YES he absolutely does! However, the initial reason I posted here was to get a broad perspective from many people, and the push I needed to end my affair - not to state the obvious about how horrible I know my husband must feel and will continue to feel in ours or any future relationships. I know what I've done to him. I know that there is no turning back now. I also know that I can't change the past - just the future - which is what i'm trying to do.
redtail Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 misternoname - i'm sure you do understand that every situation is not the same, and that every person is not the same. I know that my "partner" does love me, and as I said to lostsunsets, there is always more to a story then can be told in a 3 paragraph post! This A is not just about sex for me, or for my MM. YES it started that way, however if it continued to just be that way, it wouldn't have made it further than a few romps. But yes - I will agree with you that I am selfish, and a liar. But I am very realistic - and am not living in a dreamland. I'm in a bad situation, that I created, and that I'm trying to make right. Just curious, what else do the two of you do besides have sex? You're not running a household together, raising kids, paying bills nor doing each other's chores, like you're doing for your respective spouses.
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Very happy to hear that. It's a very tough choice and I don't envy you but it has to be done. I was willing to give my ex a second chance but she couldn't comply...she ended up having another affair. I still think people can change so I'm not implying that your marriage can't be saved but staying with him is the more difficult path. Ultimately only you can decide where this ends up. For his sake I hope you do the right thing. The issue I have to come to terms with is that I did fall in love with someone else, whether he returns those feelings for me or not is so irrelavant at this point because I need to get to the root of why I "allowed" myself to fall in love with someone else in the first place - and what that means about my love for my husband. If I truly was crazy in love with my husband I'm certain that I wouldn't have cheated to begin with right? So even though I have love for him now, is it fair to even try to consider repairing my marriage unless I know I can give him the love he so deserves? I think that is what would make me selfish. I guess what I'm saying is I'm leaning toward your option #1, ending the Affair and letting my husband go. Even though I realize that is definitely the option that will hurt me the most - I do truly feel my husband deserves better than me.
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Just curious, what else do the two of you do besides have sex? You're not running a household together, raising kids, paying bills nor doing each other's chores, like you're doing for your respective spouses. as misternoname stated, and I agreed to, we do all of the "fun parts" of a relationship - travel, dine, take walks, talk and laugh, discuss work (we are in the same industry) and yes, have sex. Nope - we don't pay bills, run a household, raise kids together, argue, worry about finances, do each others laundry, help clean up kids puke or poop etc., - But on the flip side we don't sleep in the same bed every night, or are able to lean on each other in a crisis, or spend time with each others families, enjoy family vacations, watch our kids laugh and grow. One is called an affair - the other is called reality/marriage. I am very aware of the difference.
misternoname Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Very true...the real is issue is not the affair but WHY it happened. In retrospect I wish my wife would have left five years ago and allowed me to have a fresh start. Instead I ended up wasting four more years of my life with a person that obviously had no intention of wanting to be with me. I've recovered nicely...been in a very healthy relationship with a wonderful woman. We're probably going to get married sometime next year. It appears that you are a very logical person that got wrapped up in a very illogical situation. If you know in your heart that your marriage is irrepairable then the the only right thing to do is leave but do so in a manner that maintains your husband's dignity. In the long run he'll thank you and most likely maintain a more friendly relationship with you as you jointly raise your kids.
2sure Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Your situation is painful , wrong, unfair, etc...but not unsolvable. You can be happy again you know. But really, the first thing that must be done is you have to look at your circumstances as they really are. It is difficult for some new posters to take the advice they see as criticism because...YOU are wearing affair goggles and We are not. So - a reality check: Your MM. How very honest and refreshing of him to tell you up front he is never, ever going to leave his wife. Of course, he says its for the kids and even if there is any truth in that, its for the Family - which happens to include his wife. Still, you know he isnt leaving. Like most cheaters - he wants BOTH the wife and you. He wants it all. So much so that he doesnt want you to leave your husband because then you may become more demanding of him. The box he keeps you in right now suits him perfectly. You love him. You want to leave your husband. DO THAT. To stay simply because the other man will not have you, honestly, is the worst thing you could do to your H and your family. But I think you know this. You have 2 options. Stop the Affair and try to recover your marriage. Recovering your marriage means that you and your H have to work together, no one can be in the dark. You have to tell him what is happening in his life so that he can make some hard decisions. If you dont, you wont be working together and your marriage will not recover. Period. The other benefit of revealing and stopping the affair is that eventually you and your H will be the only people involved in your marriage. Right now, there are three people - all moving in different directions. The option is divorce. From what you say , it sounds as if the only reason you are staying in your marriage is because the OM has told you thats what he prefers. It isnt because he is afraid you will find someone else. Get that thought right out of your head. If you were single, you would not be as satisfied with what he has to offer and would make more demands on him. Period. Know that. But still, divorce is a viable and fair option. You could still love the OM and continue the affair with him, on his terms which are the only terms offered. OK. After you divorce and are single you can easily prove to him that everything is the same simply by being as undemanding and threatening as you are now. You can prove your love by never dating anyone else and being faithful to him even though he chooses not to offer you the same.
redtail Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Your situation is painful , wrong, unfair, etc...but not unsolvable. You can be happy again you know. etc... Extremely refreshing perspective from someone who's seen both sides of an affair. OP, you'd do well to listen...
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Your situation is painful , wrong, unfair, etc...but not unsolvable. You can be happy again you know. But really, the first thing that must be done is you have to look at your circumstances as they really are. It is difficult for some new posters to take the advice they see as criticism because...YOU are wearing affair goggles and We are not. So - a reality check: Your MM. How very honest and refreshing of him to tell you up front he is never, ever going to leave his wife. Of course, he says its for the kids and even if there is any truth in that, its for the Family - which happens to include his wife. Still, you know he isnt leaving. Like most cheaters - he wants BOTH the wife and you. He wants it all. So much so that he doesnt want you to leave your husband because then you may become more demanding of him. The box he keeps you in right now suits him perfectly. You love him. You want to leave your husband. DO THAT. To stay simply because the other man will not have you, honestly, is the worst thing you could do to your H and your family. But I think you know this. You have 2 options. Stop the Affair and try to recover your marriage. Recovering your marriage means that you and your H have to work together, no one can be in the dark. You have to tell him what is happening in his life so that he can make some hard decisions. If you dont, you wont be working together and your marriage will not recover. Period. The other benefit of revealing and stopping the affair is that eventually you and your H will be the only people involved in your marriage. Right now, there are three people - all moving in different directions. The option is divorce. From what you say , it sounds as if the only reason you are staying in your marriage is because the OM has told you thats what he prefers. It isnt because he is afraid you will find someone else. Get that thought right out of your head. If you were single, you would not be as satisfied with what he has to offer and would make more demands on him. Period. Know that. But still, divorce is a viable and fair option. You could still love the OM and continue the affair with him, on his terms which are the only terms offered. OK. After you divorce and are single you can easily prove to him that everything is the same simply by being as undemanding and threatening as you are now. You can prove your love by never dating anyone else and being faithful to him even though he chooses not to offer you the same. Thank you, as I have said a few times over, I do appreciate everyones advice - whether it's what I want to hear - or not. I do know what I need to do. I just hope i've done it in time to at least try to repair some of the damage I've done.
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Extremely refreshing perspective from someone who's seen both sides of an affair. OP, you'd do well to listen... Ok so as i'm new here I don't get all of the short forms - figured out most but not "OP" as yet? Maybe i'm just an idiot but I can't figure that one out. Enlighten me please?
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Very true...the real is issue is not the affair but WHY it happened. In retrospect I wish my wife would have left five years ago and allowed me to have a fresh start. Instead I ended up wasting four more years of my life with a person that obviously had no intention of wanting to be with me. I've recovered nicely...been in a very healthy relationship with a wonderful woman. We're probably going to get married sometime next year. It appears that you are a very logical person that got wrapped up in a very illogical situation. If you know in your heart that your marriage is irrepairable then the the only right thing to do is leave but do so in a manner that maintains your husband's dignity. In the long run he'll thank you and most likely maintain a more friendly relationship with you as you jointly raise your kids. THANK you, thank you misterno. You have so helped me start to become more grounded, and see things from my husbands perspective rather than from my own selfish one. It sure is easy to get caught up in those "Affair Goggles" as 2sure said, and not think about anyone, or anything other than my AP. I have been doing that for too long and it's time to stop. And congratulations, I am very happy that you have found a wonderful loving trustworthy woman to spend your life with now.
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 You are the OP. The original poster. OH - Thanks!
redtail Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 etc... One is called an affair - the other is called reality/marriage. I am very aware of the difference. I know, but you're still under the influence of the affair drug, that's understandable. As you pointed out, an affair is all the "fun stuff" of a relationship and reality brings you down from that high. In a way, most people who ask questions like yours know the answer, but ask it anyway hoping someone will give them "permission" to continue. For what it's worth, I in no way comdemn you, but do not envy the next year or so for you. Best of luck...
freestyle Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I believe that sometimes "OP" means "Other Person" as well. Depends on the context.
SidLyon Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 OH - Thanks! OP can also mean "other party/person" ie the other person involved in an affair. This might be unique to the boards where infidelity is discussed. S Edited - oops just seen freeystyle's post.
The Monk Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I sympathize with you. You are now in a situation that causes you a great deal of pain and it doesn't matter too much that you started it. You say that you don't feel the same way for your H that you do for the OM. The fact is that you don't know that because you are trying to hold both of them at the same time. How can you know what you feel for your H when you are pining for the OM? If you really want to know whether you can save your marriage, you have to take the leap and stop the relationship with the OM and really commit to working with your H. You lose nothing except a man who will not commit to you and you might regain your H. If not, at least you can honestly say you tried, and when children are involved you should.
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