KonfusedinCanada Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I'm new here, but am in need of some opinions, discussion etc., from others possibly in my same or similar situation, or who have been and may have some input for me. I'm a MW in an A with a MM now for 10 months. We live 4 hours away from each other, so we don't see each other too often. My H found out about the A about 3 months ago. He didn't want to leave me, even though I told him I was in love with the MM. He wanted to work on our relationship and we went to a marriage counsellor. When my H found out about the A I told my MM obviously, and he reiterated to me that he wouldn't be leaving his W, regardless of what I decided to do. (which he had told me since day one of the A) He said he would rather I stay and work on things with my H so that we could keep seeing each other. I think he was worried that if I became single I may meet someone else and move on from him. Regardless, I have stayed with my H and continue to lie to him - telling him the A is over. It isn't over, and I fall more in love with my MM every day. The bottom line is I want to be with my MM. I would leave my H for him but my MM is not prepared to ever leave his W for me. He says it's because of his kids - however we both have kids, so it wouldn't be easy for either of us. My MM tells me he loves me, and will always love me however he just can't leave his family, but doesn't want to lose me either. He has never lied to me about that or lead me to believe he would ever leave her. It's just me wanting it to happen. I guess my question here is for both the MM and the MW on this forum who are cheating and genuinely in love with the people they are having the affairs with - would you just continue to keep things the way they are and take what you can get or is it time to stir things up and ask for more and risk possibly having to walk away from the A altogether? Thanks for your input! KinC
4everloveu Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I would say to walk away. Since he say that he will not leave his W. The longer you stay in A, you will be in pain and so is your family. Trust me, it hurt like hell. Even you leave your H, I don't think he will leave his W. I think that you love the MM and willing to leave for him. But he is not thinking the same way like you. But if you do leave your H, do it for yourself not for the MM.
lkjh Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I'm new here, but am in need of some opinions, discussion etc., from others possibly in my same or similar situation, or who have been and may have some input for me. I'm a MW in an A with a MM now for 10 months. We live 4 hours away from each other, so we don't see each other too often. My H found out about the A about 3 months ago. He didn't want to leave me, even though I told him I was in love with the MM. He wanted to work on our relationship and we went to a marriage counsellor. When my H found out about the A I told my MM obviously, and he reiterated to me that he wouldn't be leaving his W, regardless of what I decided to do. (which he had told me since day one of the A) He said he would rather I stay and work on things with my H so that we could keep seeing each other. I think he was worried that if I became single I may meet someone else and move on from him. Regardless, I have stayed with my H and continue to lie to him - telling him the A is over. It isn't over, and I fall more in love with my MM every day. The bottom line is I want to be with my MM. I would leave my H for him but my MM is not prepared to ever leave his W for me. He says it's because of his kids - however we both have kids, so it wouldn't be easy for either of us. My MM tells me he loves me, and will always love me however he just can't leave his family, but doesn't want to lose me either. He has never lied to me about that or lead me to believe he would ever leave her. It's just me wanting it to happen. I guess my question here is for both the MM and the MW on this forum who are cheating and genuinely in love with the people they are having the affairs with - would you just continue to keep things the way they are and take what you can get or is it time to stir things up and ask for more and risk possibly having to walk away from the A altogether? Thanks for your input! KinC I am sorry but you seem to have lost all of your common sense. He doesn't want you to leave your H because he only wants you as a affair partner. He wants some action on the side with out disrupting his personal life. He is afraid that if you split from your H you will try to start a real relationship with him. That would mean his wife may find out. If his wife is even a little suspicious, he will make you out to be some crazy stalker. He only wants some action on the side. Right now you think you are in love with him but when the s*** hits the fan and he throws you under the bus, you will be singing a different tune. Think before you act.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Obviously you're not going to end the A with the MM. What you need to do is divorce your husband and set him free so HE can find love with someone who won't cheat and betray him. What you're doing to your husband, father of your kids is awful. Just so intentional and cruel. He thinks the A is over, but it isn't. Be alone and then go see your MM, but not on the expense of your husband, who you keep lying to..It isn't fair or right to do this to him. Why stay married? Is it because you don't want to lose the comforts of your own home, lifestyle? Seems you'd be willing to bust your marriage if the MM left his wife and kids.. So, why not leave since you don't love your H or care to fix things at home and regain your H's love, respect and trust back.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Wow you would rather leave your husband who wants to rebuild and be with a man who has told you from day 1, he did not want to be with you. And he just wanted sex... You know if that's the case you could have divorced your husband FIRST and started dating others. this affair is a dead end. wake up lady.
lkjh Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 By the way, you should be putting your kids and H in front of your desires.
4everloveu Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Totally agreed with WWIP. Obviously you're not going to end the A with the MM. What you need to do is divorce your husband and set him free so HE can find love with someone who won't cheat and betray him. What you're doing to your husband, father of your kids is awful. Just so intentional and cruel. He thinks the A is over, but it isn't. Be alone and then go see your MM, but not on the expense of your husband, who you keep lying to..It isn't fair or right to do this to him. Why stay married? Is it because you don't want to lose the comforts of your own home, lifestyle? Seems you'd be willing to bust your marriage if the MM left his wife and kids.. So, why not leave since you don't love your H or care to fix things at home and regain your H's love, respect and trust back.
PhoenixRise Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I am wondering why you are confused. MM said he is not leaving his wife. He has apparently said so repeatedly. MM said you should stay married so you can continue the affair. He doesn't want you to want anything more from him than an affair.. This does not seem confusing if you take him at his word. If you don't want to be married to your husband divorce him.
Devil Inside Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 OK KinC, I will answer your question from my experience as a MM that just ended an A with an OW that I loved. First off, I do not think that you are going to be able to make a decision that does not result in a lot of pain for all involved. If you choose to continue the affair secretly and stay married your frustration and pain will grow because your MM is not going to leave. Also, your H will eventually find out, and then you risk all kinds of consequences, not to mention hurting him all over again and destroying any shred of trust you have left with him. He will also have grounds to not be as nice in a divorce. If you get a D from your H and continue the affair then you will go through the pain and loss of a divorce. Your relationship with your children will change. Eventually they will know you left for some guy. Your MM will probably be scared away if you become impatient. You might end up alone and really regret your MM, which will effect that relationship. If you end the A, it will hurt. I know. It will hurt your MM. However, you have a chance to work on your M with a man that has decided to try and forgive you. If you get a D and leave the MM then you will have to deal with the D, and the pain of losing your MM. However, you will eventually heal and work towards a healthy relationship with an available man. These are your options. The fact that he has, from day one, told you he is not leaving should help you make this decision. If, in the back of your head, you think that he will eventually leave, I think you are mistaken. make this decision knowing that the most you will be to him is an AP. You will not ever be his W. Good luck. Painful times are ahead. I would say work with a therapist to make a decision in a reasonable amount of time, because I know how hard it is to lead the double life.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 OK KinC, I will answer your question from my experience as a MM that just ended an A with an OW that I loved. First off, I do not think that you are going to be able to make a decision that does not result in a lot of pain for all involved. If you choose to continue the affair secretly and stay married your frustration and pain will grow because your MM is not going to leave. Also, your H will eventually find out, and then you risk all kinds of consequences, not to mention hurting him all over again and destroying any shred of trust you have left with him. He will also have grounds to not be as nice in a divorce. If you get a D from your H and continue the affair then you will go through the pain and loss of a divorce. Your relationship with your children will change. Eventually they will know you left for some guy. Your MM will probably be scared away if you become impatient. You might end up alone and really regret your MM, which will effect that relationship. If you end the A, it will hurt. I know. It will hurt your MM. However, you have a chance to work on your M with a man that has decided to try and forgive you. If you get a D and leave the MM then you will have to deal with the D, and the pain of losing your MM. However, you will eventually heal and work towards a healthy relationship with an available man. These are your options. The fact that he has, from day one, told you he is not leaving should help you make this decision. If, in the back of your head, you think that he will eventually leave, I think you are mistaken. make this decision knowing that the most you will be to him is an AP. You will not ever be his W. Good luck. Painful times are ahead. I would say work with a therapist to make a decision in a reasonable amount of time, because I know how hard it is to lead the double life. I couldnt have said it better myself
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Thank you for your comments - a bit harsh, which I suspected, but I posted this knowing that and needing to hear it. Contrary to what it may seem, I am a pretty logical woman. This is not something that I am proud of. I WISH I had the same feelings for my H that I have for my MM. I wish I could go back to the time when I was happy, content and never would have thought of having an A. But unfortunately, we can't "undo" our decisions, no matter how much we wish we could. And yes, I agree with the fact that in the back of my mind i'm 'hoping' that he will eventually leave his W - and I also agree that he is not going to. See? I am semi-logical! I'm on the verge of ending this A and needed an outlet to help give me that push. I know it's going to hurt like hell - and i'm not looking forward to it, but I also know that it has to be done. Thank you so much DI for being direct, to the point but also understanding as well. I accept and welcome any critism that comes my way, otherwise I wouldn't have posted this to begin with. Did I expect any of you to tell me he was going to leave his W - absolutely not! I expected to hear exactly what you all said, and as I said above I needed to hear/read it.
bentnotbroken Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I think you should tell your H about the A so he can move on with his life. He deserves so much more than you are capable of giving him.
misternoname Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 My ex wife carried on an affair after discovery and continued to lie to me. Once the REAL truth came out (and it will!) I not only lost any and all respect for her it also ruined friendships, my kids mental health, her affair partner's wife's life, etc etc. You're selfish, unrealistic and a liar...time to do the right thing. BTW...after my wife's affair partner was busted (during the affair he told her he loved her, was her soul mate, wished he was with her and not his wife blah blah blah) he looked my wife in the eyes and told her she was nothing but a c*nt and a whore and all he ever wanted all along from her was an easy piece of ass on the side. Don't think for a minute your "partner" has any real feelings for you...you're just a play toy on the side. Assuming I'm right, why would you risk your family for something so artificial, vapid and unreal???
Devil Inside Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I'm on the verge of ending this A and needed an outlet to help give me that push. I know it's going to hurt like hell - and i'm not looking forward to it, but I also know that it has to be done. Thank you so much DI for being direct, to the point but also understanding as well. I accept and welcome any critism that comes my way, otherwise I wouldn't have posted this to begin with. Did I expect any of you to tell me he was going to leave his W - absolutely not! I expected to hear exactly what you all said, and as I said above I needed to hear/read it. Hey KinC...I know that this will not be easy. I feel for you. Yeah you are being dishonest and made a mistake, but I know how it hurts to lose someone you love. Do some reading on here. There are many people in a similar situation. You will go through some incredible emotional upheaval...but hey, I know you are expecting that. Either way, you will get some relief from finally picking to do something, nobody can juggle forever.
redtail Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 My ex wife carried on an affair after discovery and continued to lie to me. ETC... Yeah, I have to ditto that. I found out about my ex and she lied about it being over, yada, yada yada. About four months after I found out it was still going on, so I had to kick her out to maintain any self respect. All too common. To the OP, the consequences of your actions are more severe then you know. Think about what you're doing.
lostsunsets Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Keep up the affair if you are OK about losing everything in your life thats worth a damn. Oh I forgot, you're in canada, where they will take your husbands children from him and give them to you. And give you a medal for destroying the man you vowed to love and honor. But hey what is that compared to good sex with a man who isn't committed to anything more then an orgasm.
mark982 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 all he's doing is usin you for a easy piece of tail. if, as you say, you're growing more in love w/ him everyday,then just leave your hubby. go see just how wonderful it is on the other side.
tami-chan Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 KinC, not a good thing to go into a relationship expecting to change the other person. Look, your OM/MM was clear from the onset how much of himself he can share with you, you were okay with it. You need to just walk away....yes, brokenhearted, shattered pride and all--so what? it is surmountable.
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Hey KinC...I know that this will not be easy. I feel for you. Yeah you are being dishonest and made a mistake, but I know how it hurts to lose someone you love. Do some reading on here. There are many people in a similar situation. You will go through some incredible emotional upheaval...but hey, I know you are expecting that. Either way, you will get some relief from finally picking to do something, nobody can juggle forever. Thanks DI - I really appreciate your feedback. I have done quite a bit of reading on here and am gainging a ton of perspective. I do see there is a lot of anger from some posters and I expected that, and do appreciate everyone's opinions - but i'm glad there is someone out there that can possibly understand what i'm going through.
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 KinC, not a good thing to go into a relationship expecting to change the other person. Look, your OM/MM was clear from the onset how much of himself he can share with you, you were okay with it. You need to just walk away....yes, brokenhearted, shattered pride and all--so what? it is surmountable. Thank you for your comment Tami - and I agree. You are right. I was ok with it, I accepted what he told me, and should have never gone into it thinking things would change.
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Keep up the affair if you are OK about losing everything in your life thats worth a damn. Oh I forgot, you're in canada, where they will take your husbands children from him and give them to you. And give you a medal for destroying the man you vowed to love and honor. But hey what is that compared to good sex with a man who isn't committed to anything more then an orgasm. Ok - no one is giving anyone a medal for having an affair in Canada or anywhere that i'm aware of. And I would NEVER "take" our child away from my H. I'm not a monster contrary to what you may believe. Yes, I fell in love with someone other than my husband, and no - I never should have let it get to that point, and I never should have cheated to begin with. It's clear you have some strong opinions and I do appreciate hearing them. However, there is always more to a situation then one can type in a 3 paragraph post - not that i'm making excuses, i'm just pointing out the obvious.
Author KonfusedinCanada Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 My ex wife carried on an affair after discovery and continued to lie to me. Once the REAL truth came out (and it will!) I not only lost any and all respect for her it also ruined friendships, my kids mental health, her affair partner's wife's life, etc etc. You're selfish, unrealistic and a liar...time to do the right thing. BTW...after my wife's affair partner was busted (during the affair he told her he loved her, was her soul mate, wished he was with her and not his wife blah blah blah) he looked my wife in the eyes and told her she was nothing but a c*nt and a whore and all he ever wanted all along from her was an easy piece of ass on the side. Don't think for a minute your "partner" has any real feelings for you...you're just a play toy on the side. Assuming I'm right, why would you risk your family for something so artificial, vapid and unreal??? misternoname - i'm sure you do understand that every situation is not the same, and that every person is not the same. I know that my "partner" does love me, and as I said to lostsunsets, there is always more to a story then can be told in a 3 paragraph post! This A is not just about sex for me, or for my MM. YES it started that way, however if it continued to just be that way, it wouldn't have made it further than a few romps. But yes - I will agree with you that I am selfish, and a liar. But I am very realistic - and am not living in a dreamland. I'm in a bad situation, that I created, and that I'm trying to make right.
freestyle Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 What concerns me here, is that so far I haven`t seen you show any concern for your husband`s feelings. How much damage you could possibly do to his capacity for trust in the future............. it seems like your only concern is getting your own needs met. Have you considered the stigma you may leave him with? You might end up getting divorced, but if he finds out that you betrayed him yet again................ He will be left with baggage that can haunt him in future relationships, he may never be able to feel safely loved again. Do you really want to be that cruel??? I realize I`m blowing very hard and harshly-but it takes a strong wind to clear a thick fog..................
misternoname Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Yes my post was "harsh" and yes I still have lingering bitterness. I'll also admit that no two situations are exactly alike but I also know several facts. Most affairs seem like "love" because the parties engaging in the activity are living in a fantasy world. It's easy to think it's love when you don't have to deal with day to day life. You're not having to pick up his clothes off the floor or argue about bills, the kids, etc. An affair centers around only the fun part of a relationship. Do your research and see what the statistics say about the long term success of two people that started out in an affair, left their spouses for each other and started a real relationship. It's abysmal...I think the chances of staying together are like less than 10%. I think my wife's partner's revelation is much more common than you think. Speaking from a man's perspective (I want to preface this as a man who has NOT had an affair) I believe 99% of men have an affair for one reason only...sex. Women are different. The majority of them want an emotional connection. It's all smoke and mirrors. Also consider this...why would you want a long term relationship with a dude that cheated on his wife? What would prevent him from doing the same to you in the future? I'm not trying to beat you up...on the contrary. I'm only trying to slap a little reality into your brain before you go to the point of no return. I'd suggest two acceptable paths. 1-leave your spouse but stop the affair. Figure out what you really want in life but not at the expense of his wife and family. 2-stop the affair, be truthful with your husband and through the help of therapy see if your marriage can be fixed. In my opinion, continuing to do what your doing should NOT be an option. Good luck...I truly hope you make the right decision while you still can.
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