What did you do to get thru the bad days?

[foreal]

BSs:

 

can any of you who have gone thru this help me/give advice?

 

All of these dates are getting ready to hit..a year ago today my H first cheated..and our Bdays, anniversaries, kids bdays etc are all coming up and I feel like shyt.

 

Today is my first of what will be many dates that stick like a knife in my back...

 

did you hang out with your WH?

 

WSs, did you help your BS at these times? My H doesn't seem to even remember the dates...I dont want to remind him, but then I am sufferieng alone...I am so confused.

[Dexter Morgan]

nothing really. all I knew is I wanted the bad days to stop.

 

so I divorced her. that did the trick

[foreal]

hmm, now there's a thought!!

 

I love your posts Dexter!

[Owl]

In my case, we were well recovering pretty quickly...so there was a world of differences in our relationship on the first anniversary of the d-day and such.

 

I too had to deal with the memories and such...what I did was to focus on how much BETTER things were today (that first anniversary of whatever) than they were the year before.

 

In other words, I tried to focus on the progress, not where we HAD been.

[Snowflower]

In my case, we were well recovering pretty quickly...so there was a world of differences in our relationship on the first anniversary of the d-day and such.

 

I too had to deal with the memories and such...what I did was to focus on how much BETTER things were today (that first anniversary of whatever) than they were the year before.

 

In other words, I tried to focus on the progress, not where we HAD been.

 

This is really good advice, owl and a bit similar to my situation. My marriage is honestly for a lot of reasons, so much better than what it was before. I can't really regret the loss of my old marriage. My husband and I were just talking about this last night.

 

I try to focus on the good stuff now and the progress - but it is hard for me to just compartmentalize all the bad stuff. It must be a girl thing!

[jwi71]

The first's are HARD. No doubt about it.

 

However, Im told that it gets better with time. Your WS can help by meeting your needs in healing and recovery. My old MC (now IC) has said it takes 2 to 5 years for a marriage to recover from infidelity.

 

So...hang in there...talk to your WS, talk in MC and if you're going to IC...talk there as well.

 

I've read several of your threads and you seem to really be struggling...try and hang in there...my IC has also said if you can make it one year the chances of recovery greatly improve...keep at it...good luck

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What did you do to get thru the bad days?

 

Drank heavily... I don't recommend it!

[foreal]

In my case, we were well recovering pretty quickly...so there was a world of differences in our relationship on the first anniversary of the d-day and such.

 

I too had to deal with the memories and such...what I did was to focus on how much BETTER things were today (that first anniversary of whatever) than they were the year before.

 

In other words, I tried to focus on the progress, not where we HAD been.

 

 

Yes, I get this, thanks OWL! I guess last year when he did the deed, I actually thought we wereokay...but looking back (hindsight 20/20) we were struggling- he for sure was, I was so preoccupied with our son I guess I had that to distract me.

 

My MC left me a message just now (I called and told him I was struggling) and suggested we light 2 candles...the first a plain one- we light it together then say whatever we want about how it was a year ago..to limit this to no more than five minutes- then blow it out and say LATERS to that old M.

Then light another,scented, pretty candle, and discuss what has changed, what is better how far we've come..this discussion can take as long as we want.

 

- H has IC tonite, but afterward we are going out (this was not originally planned, but I guess H could see I needed this)..I did not want to sit home alone, while he was at IC, then have nada to look forward to the rest of the night...so I am feeling better that we will go out..even better that he made the plans to do it.

 

God this stuff really bites...

 

Thank you to you all- I don;t know what I'd do w/o the support.

THANK YOU.

[misternoname]

In my case those feelings lasted YEARS afterwards...divorce finally freed me

[bentnotbroken]

Count your blessings. No matter how bad it was a year ago, there are still blessings for to be thankful for. One off the top of my head is that you are still standing with your H. That means you can look back and see for 365 days you have fought to stay in that position. And you made it. Relax and let the memories wash away a little bit at a time.

[foreal]

Count your blessings. No matter how bad it was a year ago, there are still blessings for to be thankful for. One off the top of my head is that you are still standing with your H. That means you can look back and see for 365 days you have fought to stay in that position. And you made it. Relax and let the memories wash away a little bit at a time.

 

I think my problem is that I am unsure if still standing with my H is a blessing or a curse.

 

I do have much to be thankful for, however, a H who is faithful is not one of them...

 

and as bad as things were a year ago, they are WORSE now b/c he chose to betray me...I can't see how things are any better at all.

[silktricks]

I think my problem is that I am unsure if still standing with my H is a blessing or a curse.

 

I do have much to be thankful for, however, a H who is faithful is not one of them...

 

and as bad as things were a year ago, they are WORSE now b/c he chose to betray me...I can't see how things are any better at all.

 

But he is now - correct? He chose to stop the affair - correct? So today you do have a husband who is faithful. Don't focus on what happened in the past, as the past is just that. Past. Can't undo it, can't redo it. But, it's over.

 

I did 2 separate things. I have an obsessive nature, so I knew that I would obsess for a time. I forced myself to obsess until my brain simply rebelled and wouldn't think about it any more.

 

Then I put my focus on the future. When the bad times came into my head I focused on the good choices he made after he made bad choices. I focused on the person I fell in love with, the person I still loved. I chose to not dwell on the painful times, as I had already "dwelled" until my brain was sick of it.

 

I also thought about the things I had done that contributed to the problems in our marriage, and what I could continue to do to change those things.

[Dexter Morgan]

hmm, now there's a thought!!

 

I love your posts Dexter!

 

seriously though, my solution was to eliminate the bad days all together. I knew if I stayed with her, there would always be bad days, even if they did become alot less frequent. My goal is for 0 bad days...relationship wise anyway.

[Snowflower]

But he is now - correct? He chose to stop the affair - correct? So today you do have a husband who is faithful. Don't focus on what happened in the past, as the past is just that. Past. Can't undo it, can't redo it. But, it's over.

 

I did 2 separate things. I have an obsessive nature, so I knew that I would obsess for a time. I forced myself to obsess until my brain simply rebelled and wouldn't think about it any more.

 

Then I put my focus on the future. When the bad times came into my head I focused on the good choices he made after he made bad choices. I focused on the person I fell in love with, the person I still loved. I chose to not dwell on the painful times, as I had already "dwelled" until my brain was sick of it.

 

I also thought about the things I had done that contributed to the problems in our marriage, and what I could continue to do to change those things.

 

Wow, silktricks, this is a really nice post.

 

I am trying to do this, too. I did obsess about the affair for a long time, just like you say. But lately, I've noticed that I've started getting tired of thinking about it. It's been 9 months since d-day for me.

 

Foreal, it sounds like your husband is trying to do the right things. I don't remember your whole story but it sounds like he is trying to make up for what he did.

 

Like silktricks said, he wasn't faithful to you but he is being that faithful husband NOW. No one can go back and change the past...what is done is done. I never fully understood what not dwelling on the past meant until I had to learn to heal from what my husband did to me.

 

It is your choice whether you can give your husband a chance to make it right. Only you can determine if he will ever be able to do this-to be trustworthy. I also had my doubts my husband and whether I could trust him again for quite awhile, but I have slowly learned to trust again.

 

Or, you can do as Dex suggests and divorce your husband. And trust me, I know that thought probably has some merit. Only you can decide...and you don't have to decide right now. If your husband is really trying to make it right and prove himself to be trustworthy, then perhaps think about letting it all ride for awhile and wait and see.

[foreal]

Wow, silktricks, this is a really nice post.

 

I am trying to do this, too. I did obsess about the affair for a long time, just like you say. But lately, I've noticed that I've started getting tired of thinking about it. It's been 9 months since d-day for me.

 

Foreal, it sounds like your husband is trying to do the right things. I don't remember your whole story but it sounds like he is trying to make up for what he did.

 

Like silktricks said, he wasn't faithful to you but he is being that faithful husband NOW. No one can go back and change the past...what is done is done. I never fully understood what not dwelling on the past meant until I had to learn to heal from what my husband did to me.

 

It is your choice whether you can give your husband a chance to make it right. Only you can determine if he will ever be able to do this-to be trustworthy. I also had my doubts my husband and whether I could trust him again for quite awhile, but I have slowly learned to trust again.

 

Or, you can do as Dex suggests and divorce your husband. And trust me, I know that thought probably has some merit. Only you can decide...and you don't have to decide right now. If your husband is really trying to make it right and prove himself to be trustworthy, then perhaps think about letting it all ride for awhile and wait and see.

 

Thanks Silk and Snow...your posts are very helpful.

 

I have always been in love with my H...however, I do think this has sucked that right out of me... I am no longer in love with him. I told him that today- He asked if I thought I could fall in love with him again? I said I did not know- and that is the truth....so I guess I will just power thru until I know one way or another....

 

Did you ever fall out of love and then back in? (with your H that is!)

[Snowflower]

 

Did you ever fall out of love and then back in? (with your H that is!)

 

No, I never fell out of love with my H AFTER d-day.

 

My problem was, I wasn't sure I loved him BEFORE. And I think this where the blame for some of our troubles, which led him to have his affair, can be placed at my feet.

 

I wasn't sure for a long time about my marriage and I wasn't sure I loved my husband- and my husband knew this. It hurt him deeply and he gave up on our marriage in a sense-eventually leading him to his affair.

 

Once I felt his emotional withdrawal from me, which I later found out coincided with his affair, I woke up (too late) to what I was losing. I really began to see the value in my husband and my marriage and I fell in love with him all over again. It was very nearly too late.

 

Yes, he should have left me if he was feeling that he was done with our marriage, instead of having an affair, but in some ways I am glad that it happened the way it did.

 

There was way too much unfinished emotional business between my husband and me...enough to build a new marriage on. There was no way my husband and I could have walked away from each other and stayed away, regardless of his affair.

 

So, no...I didn't fall out of love with him afterward. If I hadn't newly discovered my feelings for my H a few months before, his confession of his affair probably would have killed any remaining feelings I had for him.

 

But, as usual, I can't time anything right...I fell in love with him at about the same time he completely gave up on our marriage and had an affair.

 

It has been a very painful process for both my husband and me...but we ARE recovering and have a happier, richer relationship now than we ever did before.

[SidLyon]

No, I never fell out of love with my H AFTER d-day.

 

My problem was, I wasn't sure I loved him BEFORE. And I think this where the blame for some of our troubles, which led him to have his affair, can be placed at my feet.

 

I wasn't sure for a long time about my marriage and I wasn't sure I loved my husband- and my husband knew this. It hurt him deeply and he gave up on our marriage in a sense-eventually leading him to his affair.

 

Once I felt his emotional withdrawal from me, which I later found out coincided with his affair, I woke up (too late) to what I was losing. I really began to see the value in my husband and my marriage and I fell in love with him all over again. It was very nearly too late.

 

Yes, he should have left me if he was feeling that he was done with our marriage, instead of having an affair, but in some ways I am glad that it happened the way it did.

 

There was way too much unfinished emotional business between my husband and me...enough to build a new marriage on. There was no way my husband and I could have walked away from each other and stayed away, regardless of his affair.

 

So, no...I didn't fall out of love with him afterward. If I hadn't newly discovered my feelings for my H a few months before, his confession of his affair probably would have killed any remaining feelings I had for him.

 

But, as usual, I can't time anything right...I fell in love with him at about the same time he completely gave up on our marriage and had an affair.

 

It has been a very painful process for both my husband and me...but we ARE recovering and have a happier, richer relationship now than we ever did before.

 

I often relate to your posts perhaps because I'm about the same time past d-day as you (28 October 2008 will be burned in my brain forever).

 

Also the way you describe your own feelings and your rebuilding of your marriage is very similar to mine.

 

Like you my feelings for my H had waned over the years - much of it was a shutting down of my own feelings as he was withdrawing from me - it wasn't so much that he was cruel or argumentative but that he was absent from me. Only a short time before d-day I realised what I was going to lose and had started to make amends for my own part of the distance between us. It was at the time that I was becoming suspicious of him. D-day was still like a bolt from the blue and served to give both of us an enormous wake up call. Admittedly it was not the best time for making life affecting decisions but d-day forced that on both of us as I wasn't going to stay with him if he really wanted to be with the OW and he had to decide very quickly what/who he wanted.

 

We have ridden the roller -coaster ever since - I still cry 2 or 3 days a week about it (better than several times every day) and still ask him lots of questions of the "why" and "I don't understand how you could have..." and "if you really cared about me you wouldn't have..." variety.

 

To answer Owl's question on another thread we are actively trying to rebuild a new marriage from the ashes of the old one - neither of us want back what we had before. We make a point of meeting each other for lunches - we work only 5 minutes walk from each other yet never did this before. We go to a movie about once a week, we go out for evening meals sometimes with and sometimes without our teenage kids. Most of all we talk. Our kids know of our problems and hopefully it makes them feel a little more secure to see their parents acting like teenagers.

 

On good days I know we will get there but on bad days I wonder. Anyway I suspect I've got right off topic here - so sorry to the original poster.

 

S

[aeh]

I often relate to your posts perhaps because I'm about the same time past d-day as you (28 October 2008 will be burned in my brain forever).

 

Also the way you describe your own feelings and your rebuilding of your marriage is very similar to mine.

 

Like you my feelings for my H had waned over the years - much of it was a shutting down of my own feelings as he was withdrawing from me - it wasn't so much that he was cruel or argumentative but that he was absent from me. Only a short time before d-day I realised what I was going to lose and had started to make amends for my own part of the distance between us. It was at the time that I was becoming suspicious of him. D-day was still like a bolt from the blue and served to give both of us an enormous wake up call. Admittedly it was not the best time for making life affecting decisions but d-day forced that on both of us as I wasn't going to stay with him if he really wanted to be with the OW and he had to decide very quickly what/who he wanted.

 

We have ridden the roller -coaster ever since - I still cry 2 or 3 days a week about it (better than several times every day) and still ask him lots of questions of the "why" and "I don't understand how you could have..." and "if you really cared about me you wouldn't have..." variety.

 

To answer Owl's question on another thread we are actively trying to rebuild a new marriage from the ashes of the old one - neither of us want back what we had before. We make a point of meeting each other for lunches - we work only 5 minutes walk from each other yet never did this before. We go to a movie about once a week, we go out for evening meals sometimes with and sometimes without our teenage kids. Most of all we talk. Our kids know of our problems and hopefully it makes them feel a little more secure to see their parents acting like teenagers.

 

On good days I know we will get there but on bad days I wonder. Anyway I suspect I've got right off topic here - so sorry to the original poster.

 

S

 

Snowflower and Syd,

 

I am amazed at how similar our backgrounds are with this. Even though I always believed (for the most part) we had a good marriage (and all of our friends would remark about it), I too, over the last year to year and a half had become a bit disillusioned about our marriage. Looking back, I also realize how much I conveyed this my H, really made him feel terrible about himself because I was angry about this or that. Instead of building him up, I was tearing him down. So I can only imagine that his AP seemed that much more attractive to him. When I wasn't having sex with him (which was most of the time), she was telling him how she couldn't imagine someone not wanting to have sex with him. So, again ,which would you choose? Still not excusing his behavior, just trying to see things from his perspective. I definitely have always loved him, but I'm not sure if I was in love with him anymore. I just didn't choose to go outside of the M. Strangely, through all of these endless hours of talking, etc. I do feel more in love with him than ever, but yet here I am alternately raging and contemplating self-destructive behaviors such as affairs, etc. How could I be in love with him and feel this way? It doesn't make sense. I have laid it all out on the table now though. He knows the good, the bad and the ugly.

[foreal]

As AEH said:

I do feel more in love with him than ever, but yet here I am alternately raging and contemplating self-destructive behaviors such as affairs, etc. How could I be in love with him and feel this way? It doesn't make sense.

 

 

I was in love w/ my H before the A..and maybe I still am...but I feel sooo much better now that I have admitted that I am not...I feel more free, more confidant in myself.

 

 

...before H was caught he was afraid I would leave him if I found out..then I found out and gawd, embarrassingly I threw myself at him (in between throwing objects and vicious words at him!)..but always I came back to say, "I love you so much" in a desperate kinda way...not particularly appealing-

 

he is remorseful, transparent, etc, but still he just wasn't romancing me- for example, he'd make dinner reservations, but then not shave or wear something that he took no thought in....this might seem trivial, but to me, a man in love puts forth effort, real effort to make sure the object of his affection is going to be hot for him!

 

before the A i was very confident of my hotness, my desirability, did not ask him, "Do you like how I look?" etc b/c I knew damn well he did and the reaction/looks from others told me so.

 

After the A, I found myself almost constantly looking for HIS approval; for HIM to give me self worth, for HIM to notice me and tell me...the post by OpenBook (in another thread for OW) really hit me- I realized DAMN! I am still that woman I was before and I don't need anyone to validate me, b/c I am wonderful, always have been!

 

The A just derailed that for me...but I am back on track! WAHOO!

 

Now that I have told him, hey, guess what? I am not feelin' "it" anymore for you, whoa! Total change-

 

Now HE is actively pursuing ME- I had to laugh to myself as I heard him in his closet going thru what he would wear last nite, the close shave he gave himself, the way he looks at me now..that is something I have told him over and over: you stopped LOOKING AT ME. Well, he's a lookin now!

 

I hope I can fall back in love with him. Time will tell.

 

Thanks again for all your pasts AEH, Snow, Silk and Syd...all so helpful to me:)

[Snowflower]

Foreal, I'm glad you found the posts helpful.

 

I feel that my husband and I were lucky. It wasn't too late for us and we really found something beautiful amidst all the destruction...I know this isn't the case for everyone who experiences infidelity in their marriage.

 

It has taken me a long time to heal and like you, I have been having a lot of 'one-year' triggers. It was last year at this time when my husband pulled away, like I described in my earlier post on this thread. I didn't find out the truth for months but I knew my marriage was in trouble.

 

Foreal, was it you who said that your therapist suggested that you light 2 candles, one for your old, dead marriage and one for your new? I like that idea! Maybe this will help you and your husband heal and move forward...at least it is a good step in the right direction.

 

Everyone heals at a different pace and in different ways. Just give yourself lots of time to sort out your feelings.

 

It's good that you realized that you don't need your husband's validation to feel good about yourself...that is something you can only provide to yourself...no one else can do that for you. Even if your husband had been a 'perfect' husband-always been faithful-he shouldn't be the source of your validation as good person. That comes from you!

 

Take care of yourself (((hugs)))!