*i stupidly had sex with my ex.. Now treats me like crap & doesn't want me

[Charmaine_Champagne]

haven't been on here in a while, regulars will know my story, was with my ex bf for 6 years since i was 17, we were first loves etc. back in feb he cruelly ended things with me in a totally cowardly way, he started acting distant, ignoring me, being arrogant, generally just pulling away.

 

when i would confront him he would just ignore me, id call to his house with questions he would just make excuses and drive me home, i finally took the hint and went NC but was left in limbo for weeks not knowing what was going on. (my original posts on here detail how cruel he was)

 

months later i find out he wanted me out of the way so he could hang out with his immature buddies and screw around, go to clubs and get wasted- this was something he didn't like doing before and he wasn't all that fussed on drinking before but he is hanging with a new crowd now and his whole personality has changed, he is not the sweet guy i once knew.

 

i duno whether drugs are involved but he just changed so suddenly from adoring me for all those years to just wanting to get rid of me. i duno if this is just a phase he is going thru but my friends tell me i shouldn't wait around to find out. i know teenagers drift apart and change but this guy is 24years old for goodness sake, i mean he needs to grow up and stop going to clubs to pick up 17 year olds! he is rebelling like a 13year old, i thought he got all his drinking and rebelling out of the way when we were teenagers. it's like an early mid life crisis i just can't comprehend how or why he changed so suddenly like this, i thought i knew this guy.

 

ANYWAY....

 

i had actually been complete NC for 5 whole months, i'd deleted his number and blocked him from my msn, etc. in that time he had sent me afew attention seeking messages that didn't say much and i kept ignoring. but around 1 month ago i fell for the bait and answered one of his messed up texts and we got talking. (he text me saying he had heard i was pregnant lol obv not true as i haven't been with anyone since we broke up but i stupidly fell for it) and so we got talking thru texts..

 

i thought by breaking NC i could get some answers and some closure after how he just disappeared on me back in Feb but breaking NC set me right back to square one with all the anxiety and heartache, once i heard from him i kept expecting to hear from him all the time and i even began initiating contact like a fool and then he started backing off.

 

anyhow one night i got very drunk, ended up in a bit of a state, had a really bad nite and ended up feeling lonely at the end of the night and drunkenly begging my ex to come and pick me up. and he did. we ended up having sex and i met him for sex 3 times after that. i obviously still have feelings for him beyond just sexual, i still love him and im not over him

 

i know i am gonna get abuse from you guys for this! i know i should never have broken NC! but believe me no one can berate me on here more than i have berated myself for my stupidity.

 

in my defence i had this idea that if he saw me looking all glamorous and if we had some fun then it would put me back in his head again and he would want me back.

 

also i should point out that during our 6 year long relationship i went through long periods where i wouldn't want sex with him and he stuck by me through all that. it was a fear of intercourse/fear of pregnancy that i went through (i duno if any other women on here can relate to that) we were still very loving and did other sexual things but i did abstain from intercourse for quite a while. trust issues may also have related to my sex fear. so anyhow, i felt that now we'd been broken up 6 months if i met him and had hot sex he would see me in new light.

 

well after the sex he kept giving me mixed messages, at times he was very arrogant. he actually texted me saying ''i don't want a relationship but i'll meet u to empty my balls now and then'' !!! (i know i shouldn't have stood for that) sex was always on his terms when he wanted to meet. he has since told me he has a gf and feels bad for cheating on her. i duno if this is true or whether he just wants to mess me around more or get a reaction from me

 

then on the other hand, he has also told me he still loves me and has missed me. when we were at his house i noticed he still has teddys i gave him sitting out and artwork i made for him- tho he actually showed me the artwork and smiled and then pretended to break it over his knee! he has said things to me like ''we should go back out again.. actually no i don't have time for a girlfriend'' and texting me things like "i love you" to then telling me "actually no i don't give a f**k about you''

WHY?!

 

the latest installment is that he knew i was going to a club on sunday nite and at 3am when the bar closed he parked outside and stared at me. my friends forced me in a taxi and sent me home and then he drove off. he text and asked me to meet him for sex and he then said "actually no, i'm going home" the next day he told me "i don't want to meet again, forget about me"

 

..but then if he didn't have any feelings for me, why drive to the club to stalk me? why meet me for sex if he is getting it already as he claims? does he want me back? or just want me around to use when he is bored? like how can his feelings just die? we were together 6 years and he would have done anything for me. then he makes friends with this new crowd of no-hopers and abandons me to do what they do

 

another thing is that he told me he won't wear a condom (tho i forced him to) he was always very fussy about protection when we were together, now he arrogantly says it feels crap with a condom. you may have read in another thread that a condom broke one of the times we had sex, luckily i am not pregnant. i actually feel the condom splitting was some sort of sign from above, seriously like a warning to stop me having sex with this guy. it may sound stupid but it scared me into reality and i realized if i had been pregnant he would not have cared. it did act as a wake up call.

 

he makes really messed up comments to me such as ''i love you, if i got you pregnant you would be with me forever but you wouldn't want that" to then saying "why the f**k would i want to be stuck with you for the rest of my life?!"

 

as i write this i am so ashamed that i have been such a doormat to allow this to happen. i think i just wanted to show him what he had lost. i just don't understand how this sweet guy i knew for 6 years has changed into this arrogant monster. i know he is very immature for his age (24) and copies the behavior of his idiotic friends. but he really adored me all these years and i don't get why he is messing me around so much.

 

all the times we met for sex i never mentioned that i love him and miss him as i was afraid to. but i think the fact that i met him alone after all he did to me would show him that i still care and that i have not moved on. i think he knows i still love him and that he can have a hold over me still.

i dunno whether his messed up behavior is designed to get rid of me or to make me run after him?

 

i know ppl on here are going to say go back to strict NC and stop allowing him to use you for sex. that is obvious. but i just don't know why he treats me so badly, why he gives me mixed messages, does he get a thrill from this in some kind of sick way? he actually told me that he and his friend had a threesome, he was laughing as he told me this while i begged him to not tell me as i really didn't want to know, i felt sick thinking about it. i'm a decent girl and he is out doing that.

 

the irony of this is i am a very attractive girl, i'm educated and have good things to look forward to in the future. yet i am stuck on this guy, who is from the wrong side of the tracks and can't even hold down a proper job. i just wonder why he wouldn't want me because i really am lovely lol but he just wants to bring me down. my confidence is shattered. and yet his is soaring, he is walking around like some kind of greek god of love who can get any woman

 

the last i heard from him was on monday when he told me he had a gf and didn't want to meet anymore. then after that he said he would meet me another time in a while (for sex) i just don't know how he can go from really adoring me as his first love for 6 years to how he acts now. i know his friends influence him but he has his own mind aswell.

 

his friend has no money, no proper job and isn't great looking yet he gets his kicks from meeting really disgusting, rough (and no offence ugly) skanky girls from the internet for sex. i now fear my ex got rid of me (a decent girl) to do the same. and i just want him to realise he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

 

why does he behave this way? my friends say he is mentally ill but they also think i hve allowed this by speaking to him and playing his silly games.

does he simply have no feelings for me after all these years is he over me?

do you think this is a phase he will snap out of?

is he just messing with me for some sick twisted kick for fun because he knows he can and i stupidly have let him?

one minute he says 'i love u' then 'i hate u' next he says he wants me then he doesn't want me. is this a game? why does he mess me around like this, is it to make me beg?

WHY?!

 

part of me wants to tell him how i feel, that i love him still, that i miss him and that i can't just get over 6 years so quickly, that i can never forget him. but this might just feed his ego and make him mess me around more. it's just frustrating because i know deep down he still has feelings for me but he won't admit it because his heads up his @ss at the moment. thats why i feel if i tell him how i feel he might own up to his feelings

 

please help

 

(sorry this is sooooooo long i just wanted to get it straight so ppl can respond)

 

thanks

 

what is your advice?why does he behave so strangely?

 

what should i do?

[scienceguy]

First, you should get tested for STDs if he's sleeping with other women and refusing to put a condom on. You're at risk for some pretty gross stuff. Otherwise, there's not much else to say about your situation beyond the obvious.

 

You need to go NC with him and stick to that. He treats you with no respect because you don't have any for yourself in the first place. I know you want to believe that there might be some sort of deeper reason out there, but I guarantee you there are no other answers beyond the fact that he knows he can treat you like a ragdoll and get away with it. You're asking a ton of "Why this" and "why that" and all of that is absolutely irrelevant! Even if he does love you, he's not treating you with respect, so all those answers you hope to find are not worth it.

 

Anyways, I would strongly urge you to see a therapist or counselor about your problems with this guy. If you were my friend, I'd physically drag you to a therapist myself. I've seen a lot of pretty awful crap occur to some close friends, and I've had some terrible situations myself, but your situation is absolutely appalling.

[DustySaltus]

''i don't want a relationship but i'll meet u to empty my balls now and then''

 

 

DOES ANYTHING ELSE NEED TO BE SAID ABOUT WHERE YOU STAND WITH THIS CLOWN?

NC-Please, be around your friends and seek a therapist.

[Gemini09]

I'm sorry but this guy seems like the biggest jerk on the planet. It amazes me how some women have such low self esteem issues they will put up with such disgrace. My god, its dead clear to anyone he is a total jerk and that is that. If a guy treated me like that, I would tell him to go to hell. He is using you to empty his balls huh? Wow, nice to know this. How can a guy treat a woman this way?

 

You really do need some help, because at this point you shouldn't be talking to him. I realize the relationship was long term, so its hard, but he is doing absolutely nothing, but being low down.

 

I guess you are hoping he will change, and go back to the "sweet" guy you claim he was before? Who cares, what's done is done. He has treated you like complete crap, and personally I would not forgive him for all of this. I don't even know the guy and he makes my stomach turn upside down.....just the thought.

[northstar1]

I know this hurts, but it is pretty blunt. He is using you for sex because he knows he can still manipulate you into doing it.

 

You have a choice here, you can realize what a dbag he is and cut him off completely and heal yourself (and yes, you should talk to a therapist) by realizing that he is just not a good person.

 

Or you can keep hoping he'll change or that he truly wants to be with you again with more than just sex.

 

There really isn't much more to say. If you stick around he'll just keep using you for sex and seeing what he can get away with.

[Gemini09]

He's definitely playing some sort of manipulative type game. It's his way of controlling you, and he knows its getting to you. It's almost as if he wants to use you and hurt you. He probably gets some sick thrill out of this.

 

Although you need some therapy to help let go, I think he's the one that needs some extensive therapy.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

yeh i mean u r all right, i knew even as i wrote this. anyone who reads this can see what he is doing is completely hateful and wrong.. i can step back and see that and yet why am i putting up with it? my friends and family look at me as some1 who has alot going for them and they don't understand why i'm hung up on this guy and allowing him to use and manipulate me. tho they don't know all of what i have told you guys in this thread, they just know bits and pieces.

 

my self esteem is low, and i think just because it was a long term relationship 6 years and my first love i am still hanging on in there pathetically. because i hope he will revert back to the guy i knew, that this is just temporary, that i know or think i know that deep down he still loves me.

 

i know he is just seeing how far he can push me, how much i will do for him, how much he can manipulate me.

 

yet the bit i don't get that is so messed up- he lays it on the line and basically says 'i'm using you for sex' 'i don't want you back' and yet then he stalks me at clubs and one minute tells me he loves me, tells me he misses me. if he is using me for sex why does he say 'i love you' ? then the next minute 'i hate you' it's just messed up behavior. does he even know what he wants or is the odd 'i love you' here and there just further evidence of his manipulation?

 

i guess i just need to accept that he has changed, for whatever reason, and they guy i dated for 6 years and the person i miss is someone else

 

i've been 3 days NC now, i made it to 5months before so i know i can do this. the weekend is coming up but if i hear from him i will ignore

 

i think at the back of my mind because this was my first love and such a long term love i have this obsession that it can be saved, that he can change but even if he did he has still done too much wrong.

why do u guys think he does say 'i love you' tho? is that just part of f**king with my head?

 

do u guys think he def would know that i have feelings and that he would know he is hurting me and messing with me even if i haven't outright told him how i feel?

 

my friends actually think he is jealous of me because i graduated and am going somewhere in my life, they think he wants to bring me down and it's almost like 'i don't want you right now but i don't any1 else to have you either' -which could be why he stalked me at the club. he expects me to jump when he wants to meet but anytime i wanted to meet him he was busy- he knows he has power over me i guess?

 

under all this arrogant macho nasty behavior could he still love me or could he seriously just be over 6 years already or think he is?

 

i actually think i'm accepting this behavior from him through disbelief, like i can't believe and don't want to accept that the sweet caring guy i spent 6 years with has turned into some kind of repulsive jerk- thats why i keep allowing myself to be dragged along because i hope he will change back. i know its pathetic tho

[moo]

C_C, my gosh. I am sooooo sorry that this happened to you. You know, I truly believe human beings will put up with anything and are capable of doing any behavior if we relationalize things.

 

What he said to you and "emptying" himself was disgusting...but some how on some level you interpreted in a way that you could accept that. You told yourself something that made you feel you could still stand him.

 

Sometimes we are incapable of looking at things objectively, so you have to look to others, not completely, but to others and the situation. Only you know all the details because it happened to you. However, because it happened to you and not others, others can be objective.

 

Take what others are saying. Add that to your history with this person, and also add how he treated you and how you feel now. You should be able to come up with the right answer. And when I say look at how he treated you...don't look for reasons. Take his behavior as he did it. Do not look for hidden reasons that you can come up with excuses for.

 

So, Other people's opinions + your opinion + the fact that he said that disgusting thing to you + the fact that he left you again and the cruel way he said it: You can come up with an answer for yourself.

[scienceguy]

my self esteem is low, and i think just because it was a long term relationship 6 years and my first love i am still hanging on in there pathetically. because i hope he will revert back to the guy i knew, that this is just temporary, that i know or think i know that deep down he still loves me.

It's irrelevant whether or not he loves you. There's more to a relationship than love. You also have to respect the other person.

 

 

i know he is just seeing how far he can push me, how much i will do for him, how much he can manipulate me.

And why are you letting him do that to you?

 

yet the bit i don't get that is so messed up- he lays it on the line and basically says 'i'm using you for sex' 'i don't want you back' and yet then he stalks me at clubs and one minute tells me he loves me, tells me he misses me. if he is using me for sex why does he say 'i love you' ? then the next minute 'i hate you' it's just messed up behavior. does he even know what he wants or is the odd 'i love you' here and there just further evidence of his manipulation?

What answer is enough for you? If we tell you or he tells you, it isn't enough for you so let go!

 

i've been 3 days NC now, i made it to 5months before so i know i can do this. the weekend is coming up but if i hear from him i will ignore

You've done NC in the past and it didn't help so you need to do more. Like everybody has said to you, go to a therapist.

 

why do u guys think he does say 'i love you' tho? is that just part of f**king with my head?

Yes.

 

do u guys think he def would know that i have feelings and that he would know he is hurting me and messing with me even if i haven't outright told him how i feel?

He doesn't care if your feelings are hurt. Obviously it didn't hit you when he told you that he viewed you as nothing more than a receptacle for his...stuff.

 

my friends actually think he is jealous of me because i graduated and am going somewhere in my life, they think he wants to bring me down and it's almost like 'i don't want you right now but i don't any1 else to have you either' -which could be why he stalked me at the club. he expects me to jump when he wants to meet but anytime i wanted to meet him he was busy- he knows he has power over me i guess?

Why should this matter?

 

under all this arrogant macho nasty behavior could he still love me or could he seriously just be over 6 years already or think he is?

None of us can speak for him. Again why should this matter? Would you seriously consider taking back a guy who behaved like this?

 

i actually think i'm accepting this behavior from him through disbelief

Not disbelief. You're obviously still very much in love with him. The only grey is the one created by your emotions, and that's a big reason why you let him treat you like crap.

 

Look, I know what you're going through all too well. My ex gf did a lot of terrible things to me; they aren't the exact things your ex has done to you, but the bottom line was still the same--no respect. You have no respect for yourself, and neither did I. You allowed yourself to be treated so poorly because you don't even have a good internal measure of what is outlandish behavior. Everybody else here is appalled at his behavior, and heck, you're still wondering if he loves you or not. I know love can blind, but what is going on is way way way way out of line.

 

My experience with this stuff goes beyond just my failed break up. I came from an abusive house, and saw my mom come back to my dad over and over again. It was clear she had no spine whatsoever. When I finally got out, and started volunteering my time at a domestic abuse shelter, I saw lots of women come in, physically bruised, and we'd spend weeks and months fixing them up. Couple months later I'd see them again. Same story. They'd stay with their creep husband/boyfriend because "he loved me" or "he can change" or "I caused it to happen." Your posts are eerily reminiscent of that type of mentality.

 

Anyways, what I'm saying is that you can come here for support, but we've all told you what you need to do. It's up to you to start the difficult path of moving on without him. People here can give you support once you choose that path, and I'll be the first line because I know what you're going through, but if you want us to analyze xyz from him, you're wasting your time. I really hope you find the strength cut him out, go to therapy, and eventually find somebody who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[Kamille]

CC, pretend your best friend wrote out everything you wrote above. What would you tell her?

 

As for me, I'm starting to think that part of the reason you are so hung up on your ex is because you always thought, even throughout your relationship, that you were too good for him. I,m getting the sense that this sentiment was very much part of the dynamic of your relationship (he was crazy for you, you went throught no-sex periods, you think he's immature, etc.) And now, the fact that he walked away from you is a slap in the face because to you, it means that he no longer thinks you're too good for him. And the only way you can think to regain your balance is to get him back.

 

He knows this, senses this and is dragging you through the mud.

 

I hope you will soon hit your rock bottom and decide you've had enough of pining over him.

 

The fact is, the question isn't whether or not you're the best girlfriend he could ever have, the question is: is he really the best boyfriend you could ever have???

 

Cut your losses CC. One day you will be thankful he did you the favor of dumping you. But in the meantime, focus on rebuilding your self-esteem through other means then sex with the ex. Work out, volunteer, tell your friends how much they mean to you. anything that will make you realize that there is a world outside of you and him.

[silic0ntoad]

C_C I am going to put this plainly.

 

This dude is a using, abusing, horrible person. He is the lowest of low. He not only stalks you, but he treats you like a hooker would be treated. This is dangerous. The dude is a total waste of human life, devoid at this point of the capability to feel true feelings.

 

My advice? Initiate NC. Get yourself tested for STD's. Finally, if the stalking doesn't stop, get yourself down to district and file a harassment complaint, and get a restraining order.

 

 

This can quickly spiral out of control and into a sexual obsession. The dude has you by the bawls. You need to take control back and tell him he is a worthless scumbag and not to bother calling you anymore. I know you have feelings for him, but you need to realise your own self worth. The kind of stuff he says to you is simply foul.

 

Cut this dude off. If you won't, I'll drive to wherever you are and show him what for.

[Odyssey]

Charmaine, I'm so sorry to hear your suffering, but I'm glad to have read your post because my ex have been calling me like crazy after we accidentally met up today. You've convinced me to be strong and not make the same mistake.

Thank you for saving me

[northstar1]

C_C I am going to put this plainly.

 

This dude is a using, abusing, horrible person. He is the lowest of low. He not only stalks you, but he treats you like a hooker would be treated. This is dangerous. The dude is a total waste of human life, devoid at this point of the capability to feel true feelings.

 

My advice? Initiate NC. Get yourself tested for STD's. Finally, if the stalking doesn't stop, get yourself down to district and file a harassment complaint, and get a restraining order.

 

 

This can quickly spiral out of control and into a sexual obsession. The dude has you by the bawls. You need to take control back and tell him he is a worthless scumbag and not to bother calling you anymore. I know you have feelings for him, but you need to realise your own self worth. The kind of stuff he says to you is simply foul.

 

Cut this dude off. If you won't, I'll drive to wherever you are and show him what for.

 

+1 for this answer. I'll go with you on the ride to straighten this dbag out.

[silic0ntoad]

+1 for this answer. I'll go with you on the ride to straighten this dbag out.

 

 

It'll be a LS road trip. YEAH! And we FINALLY get to get back at the bad guy that gets the good girl.

 

Sweet.

[moo]

C_C, you helped me to keep going with NC. But it's true, you need more than NC. I'm reading self help books and I was seeing a therapist. NC alone wouldn't have been enough for me.

 

CC, you should really go to therapy and read some self help books about loving yourself. Books really help.

[Beeotch]

''i don't want a relationship but i'll meet u to empty my balls now and then''

 

 

DOES ANYTHING ELSE NEED TO BE SAID ABOUT WHERE YOU STAND WITH THIS CLOWN?

 

NC-Please, be around your friends and seek a therapist.

 

I must agree....

 

In some situations, there might be hope even though the person acts strangely...he is not acting strange in an ambiguous way but he is a straight up A-HOLE who has made it CLEAR he has ZERO respect for you and is perhaps mentally unstable.

 

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!

 

There is NOTHING to salvage.

[LisaUk]

Sweetie, to be honest this guy sounds like he is verging on emotionally abusive. Breaking your possesions (similar with your artwork) is a form of control and from all the other stuff you have said I would say he is at least cruel if not completely abusive.

 

As for what happened to him, well, I was with my ex 18 years from age 15, he left me 5 months ago after we had set the date to marry. I never thought he would do something like that to me and while not abusive like your ex is being, he turned pretty cold and nasty. I don't know what to tell you on that score.

 

What I do know is that you deserve better and I also know now that there is better out there. You don't have to put up with this c**p. I know you want closure, unfortunately your not going to get that, you are going to have to accept that the guy you loved, for whatever reason, is now dead. You can't talk to a corpse Sweetie, treat him as such.

[boogieboy]

All the "I love you's" and all the sweet things he says to you is just to get what he wants, because he knows it will work on you- as vunerable as you are right now. Thats why. Once he gets what he wants, which is sex only, he becomes distant. So now its up to you to figure out how long you will put up with this, because hes not going to want you for any more than that. He will never change.

 

Stop finding reasons to want to talk to him, and go back to NC. Stop hoping he will change, erase his name from your brain and never ever see him again.

[gavinus]

(sigh) Therapy first; NC forever second!! "The person who cares the least....is the person with all the power"" Your ex used you and abused you, my ex did the same to me! I said to her don't become a stranger after she dumped me...she laughed loud and long in my ear. You can do better, you deserve better, be strong, learn from it...and never do it again. My friend said A wise person learns from others mistakes...a smart person learns from their own, I am trying to be smarter, nc, therapy I feel you must do the same...you deserve better, believe in yourself and go NC, you will get to the point where you will realize "contact with ex=pain" give yourself a break and become pain free, NC

[Charmaine_Champagne]

ok well update on this: after posting this thread last week and the responses you guys gave me shook some sense into me i implemented NC again with my ex. 3 days passed and i heard nothing from his side either, then over the weekend there- thursday, fri, sat and sunday i heard from my ex each of those days wanting to know what i was up to, was i out, if i wanted to meet- for sex i'm assuming. some of the msgs were sent in the early hours of the morning, he also rang my phone at one point.

 

this makes me think it is some kind of control game, he wants me (for sex or otherwise) on his terms. but he doesn't want me back because i get in the way of his so called partying with his new friends and his freedom. he knows i'm an attractive girl and he knows i am out most weekends so i feel there is a fear deep down on his part that someone else could snap me up. or it could be that the weekends when he is bored or his friends are busy or he has no money- he calls me. he'l offer to pick me up from a night out, not only so he can use me but also because it assures him i won't be going home with someone else (tho i'm not that kind of girl anyway)

 

since those booty calls at the weekend i have heard nothing. deep down i still love and miss him and i admit i still hope he will change and grow out of this crazy phase, i mean i was with him six years but i know everything you guys posted was true. some people have suggested he wants to keep me in the loop as a back up that he can run back to when he gets bored of all the partying and stuff he is doing. and my mom thinks that maybe the novelty of his new life is starting to wear off. i realize i forgave my ex and made excuses for the bad things he did partly because he had a bit of a rough upbringing and i would feel sorry for him sometimes but now i look back and think maybe he did manipulate me

 

the other week he asked me ''why do you meet me, is it just sex or do you still have feelings?'' -this made me think maybe he still had feelings and was trying to gauge how i felt. on the other hand it could have been because he knew if i still had feelings for him he would have more power over me.

 

i definately feel he is trying to play some kind of game. the other week he told me "i love you, i've missed you" and then a few days later he said ''i have a gf, i don't want you, i feel guilty i cheated on her with you, just forget about me''

 

after his last comment above telling me he had a gf i came on here and posted, read ur responses and implemented NC again. and yet after telling me basically he didn't want me, he then got in touch 4 days in a row when he didn't hear from me. so it could just be that he was bored that weekend or it could be a control thing or that he wants me running after him to know i'm still there waiting in the wings like a fool. i don't know if the girlfriend comment was true or just said to hurt me or to see how far he can push me- if he had a girlfriend where was she all weekend when he was asking to meet me... i know he is being a complete jerk and that i was letting him so he knew he had power and could get away with being like that with me.

 

do you think maybe he doesn't know what he wants?

[leap83]

do you think maybe he doesn't know what he wants?

 

Hmmm... I don't mean to sound harsh but why do you even care about him?!!?!? I understand 6 yrs is a long time, but hell... he's treating you horribly!!!!!!!!!! Why try to rationalize something that is plain and simple: he's using you for sex and he's the biggest waste on this planet. I don't know about you, but if I were in this situation, I would run for the hills. I would change my phone number. I would do everything in my power to get rid of this. Why would you even want this? Even if he changed, would it really make a difference? Think about it. He hurt you SO freakin' much. Why would you want that?! This is just going downhill and spiriling out of control. I hope you realize this before you hit the rock bottom. I honestly do.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i know, i've implented NC again since i first posted this thread.. i knew from the moment i allowed the sex to happen that i was playing with fire and that it would be a downward spiral.. i was behaving in a way completely out of character for me and if one of my friends was doing what i was doing i would be the first to bitch to them

 

i can look at this and i realize it is so wrong, his behavior is just crude and bullying and everything you guys have said is true. i think i was putting up with it because i hoped he would change back and because i love him and spent 6 years growing up with him. but even if he did change back too much damage has been done anyway

 

i think my problem is that despite the NC i am still trying to rationalize and analyze his behavior and looking for some glimmer of hope- even tho i know that if he did suddenly wake up and realize and say sorry it shouldn't matter because he has done too much dirt

 

i've felt low the past while since i got back in contact with my ex and i started thinking that maybe him using me for sex now and then is better than feeling completely lonely and never hearing from him at all.. now i know even as i type that how f**ked up it is but it's how i feel sometimes. this was a guy who i had contact with everyday for 6 years and now he has gone, just abandoned me and maybe it is part habit, like a drug, cuz i know he is bad for me, i know that he has treated me horrendously but part of me still wants him around.

 

maybe he can switch off his emotions when it comes to sex with me, that he can just see it as sex. but with me because i still love him, i can't. i had hoped that if we met, had sex or he saw me looking good he would realize what he lost. but it actually just fed his ego and proved to him he can snap his fingers and have me when he wants

[northstar1]

Fiery Furnaces?

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i knew when i was meeting him it was wrong, i'd be walking round to his car thinking "what the hell am i doing?!" and i felt guilty deceiving my family, the very people who had helped me when he abandoned me, yet at the same time when i knew it was crazy and dangerous and wrong part of me also felt i had to do it, for selfish reasons i guess. i know if my family found out it would hurt them. that is why i liken it to a habit, like a drug. he is damaging for me, i know this yet i keep coming back for more

 

he knows i'm vulnerable at the moment and i've showed myself to be very weak so he knows he can hurt and manipulate me i guess.

 

do you think it is a control game on his part? or is it that he actually just doesn't care about my feelings and how much he hurts me?

[openbook08]

hi CC, my heart goes out to you, you poor love.

i know how hard it is to feel like youve been cast aside after being each others for so long (i was with my ex 5yrs so i got ya!) and i also understand the glimmers of hope, the anything is better than nothing thoughts so dont be so hard on yourself.

 

HOWEVER, CC its time for you to take back some control of your life. let your bright and promising future be just that. you cannot keep going day to day trying to second guess what / why / how hes behaving, sure i still have those thoughts but they dont dominate or torment me as much anymore.

 

* i really recommend that you speak with a counsellor.*

 

i too had very low self esteem(even tho i had a lot going for me, undergrad & post grad university qualifications, excellent job, bubbly personality)....i was absolutely devastated by the breakup and I allowed him to use me to soothe his guilt & massage his ego through the hurt, i was keeping it secret from family and friends....like you, how could the man i loved and shared my life with for 5yrs change so so much?? but i thought so little of myself at this point that yes he became like a drug that i craved. he was never as nasty as what your ex is but by God did he come close and now i am sickened with myself that i let it happen. so i turned that negative into a positive.....

 

ff to now.....i absolutely love myself!! i see myself as reasonably attractive i love my job , my rhip w colleagues, friends, family have improved 10fold, people comment on how well i look, whats my secret....i changed my fone no, blocked his emails & deleted FB and its been nearly 10months NC!! and i owe all these developments and progress to talking to somebody when i really needed it, which is the point youre at now.

 

who knows why he does any of these nasty things hes doing. hes not your business anymore. you should be worrying only about YOU. and putting your energy into YOU.