JoeNat Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 OK, I have a this great girl and I mean I couldn't ask for a better GF. Everything is great, she is so caring, does anything and everything for me to make me happy etc... However, she does do modeling and does "dancing" in clubs at times. By dancing I dont mean stripping I mean in a night club one of the girls that you see randomly placed about the club on a podium of some sort. Now, my issue is the most recent event was supposed to be a lingerie event. I said I dont want her doing it as that is not enough clothes and I'm not willing to share her body out like that. My issue was that is something you wear for me and only me. This was a paid event so I feel bad but I feel that she did not care how much it would have bothered me that she was going to do this event. She said she was worried about how my reaction was going to be afterwards and not how I was going to feel during. I'm a rather jealous person and so is she. I'm also very protective. She is not going to do the event now but now I feel guilty and some what of a jerk. Was I wrong to ask her not to do it due to the lack of clothes and jerks that go to night clubs? Also, I was not aware of these events before we started dating as they are very few and far between at times. Some guys are OK with these types of things but I'm not one of them. She is fully aware of that and understands it but it caused a bit of a fight last night... Ehh...
caramel c Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 If you are uncomfortable with it, then it is wrong. None of us can tell you that it is right or wrong. I think you did the right thing by telling her your feelings about it. You don't have to put up with anything that makes you uncomfortable. This is a reasonable objection in my opinion.
Author JoeNat Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Thank you, I didn't think I did anything wrong but she just didn't seem to understand it.
caramel c Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Thank you, I didn't think I did anything wrong but she just didn't seem to understand it. This is what relationships are all about. Respect, compromise, and determination. If you have all three this will just be a situation you had. Without those three, situations turn into issues and issues turn into breakups.
sally4sara Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 The fact that it bothers you because you're "not willing to share her body out like that." Is pretty unappealing. Had you said you didn't like it because you know what makes her great and it bothers you to know that the people at the event will just see her as meat - I'd understand your view. But that isn't it. You're upset that other people are eyeing YOUR meat. I know this is what it is to you because you then go on to say the way she is displaying herself - wrapped in lingerie AS meat is something you value her for as she BELONGS to you. You said: "My issue was that is something you wear for me and only me." Why don't you put on something lacy and dance around for her buddy?
Author JoeNat Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 The fact that it bothers you because you're "not willing to share her body out like that." Is pretty unappealing. Had you said you didn't like it because you know what makes her great and it bothers you to know that the people at the event will just see her as meat - I'd understand your view. But that isn't it. You're upset that other people are eyeing YOUR meat. I know this is what it is to you because you then go on to say the way she is displaying herself - wrapped in lingerie AS meat is something you value her for as she BELONGS to you. You said: "My issue was that is something you wear for me and only me." Why don't you put on something lacy and dance around for her buddy? Ehem... I do... I said to her what if I had these on (man briefs that show a lot) and was up on stage dancing and having girls trying to grab at me and making comments such as that. She said I would hate it and not want you to do it. I'm upset because guys are jerk off's and will just view her as a "slut" with no self respect. I know this for a fact because I have been to events like this before. I dont want my GF to be viewed like this especially when she is just that....MY GF....Nobody is my property and I have nothing but respect for her but at the same time I cant have put herself in a situation that bothers me the way it does. We share each other's bodies with each other... Private time in the bedroom is something nobody else is supposed to see or be a part of.
sally4sara Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Ehem... I do... I said to her what if I had these on (man briefs that show a lot) and was up on stage dancing and having girls trying to grab at me and making comments such as that. She said I would hate it and not want you to do it. I'm upset because guys are jerk off's and will just view her as a "slut" with no self respect. I know this for a fact because I have been to events like this before. I dont want my GF to be viewed like this especially when she is just that....MY GF....Nobody is my property and I have nothing but respect for her but at the same time I cant have put herself in a situation that bothers me the way it does. We share each other's bodies with each other... Private time in the bedroom is something nobody else is supposed to see or be a part of. This was nowhere in your first post. Beyond that, do you pay her bills?
sally4sara Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Also, you realize it doesn't matter what she is wearing. People are going to view any attractive female they don't care about as meat. Think about them later as their image now resides in the "spank-bank". Nothing she doesn't wear is going to prevent that.
Author JoeNat Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Also, you realize it doesn't matter what she is wearing. People are going to view any attractive female they don't care about as meat. Think about them later as their image now resides in the "spank-bank". Nothing she doesn't wear is going to prevent that. I completely disagree. While guys look at females as being meat regardless there are different levels of this. They feel they can come up to you and act accordingly when wearing a "slutty" outfit versus being more covered up. I left out the slut part in my first post because I just wanted a high level look at the situation. But if it required a deeper dig then my last post was exactly that. We are moving in together soon (she is moving into my house) and yes, I just paid a medical bill yesterday.
caramel c Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Also, you realize it doesn't matter what she is wearing. People are going to view any attractive female they don't care about as meat. Think about them later as their image now resides in the "spank-bank". Nothing she doesn't wear is going to prevent that. I disagree. Some people have limits. Perhaps, some people don't. Without limits, nobody would care if she went out and danced completely naked. Then what you're saying would make more sense. Obviously the limit for this guy here is between club clothes and lingerie. It doesn't matter if she would still be looked at a certain way no matter what she was wearing. What matters is that he feels that her wearing lingerie is more revealing to the outside world than he is comfortable with.
sally4sara Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I disagree. Some people have limits. Perhaps, some people don't. Without limits, nobody would care if she went out and danced completely naked. Then what you're saying would make more sense. Obviously the limit for this guy here is between club clothes and lingerie. It doesn't matter if she would still be looked at a certain way no matter what she was wearing. What matters is that he feels that her wearing lingerie is more revealing to the outside world than he is comfortable with. In reality, other than laws dictating a level of attire in public - no one actually cares what she wears or does while wearing it. They may have an opinion based on what THEY would feel comfortable being seen doing or wearing, but what others do is for our judgment and the sick enjoyment of deciding if it makes us look better by comparison. Now there is also personal compatibility. The OP is perfectly within his right to want to be with someone who has the same ideals. He didn't really choose someone based on his ideals if he picked someone who works the job she works. He picked her based on what her meat looks like and is now going about changing her. Even he admits she was working this job when he met her. Isn't this what guys always think women do? Try to change or "fix" the guy? And the men who objectify women will find any attractive woman wearing or not wearing clothes a target for sexual arousal. In the market, the bank, the subway or the club. OP is trying to eliminate something that exists in any setting. I understand for him, lingerie is too sexualized, but it isn't going to keep his GF from being viewed as an object - which is what he is NOW saying bothers him and not that HIS meat is getting looked at. He says the lingerie will make men approach her. He says: They feel they can come up to you and act accordingly when wearing a "slutty" outfit versus being more covered up. She doesn't have to oblige them simply due to her attire. And the OP can't control the thoughts of others. She will be in a public place; I didn't get the sense that he is concerned for her safety..... I hope it works out for you OP, but alot of what is bothering you is based on your possessive beliefs.
caramel c Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Mostly what I'm saying is that it comes down to how he feels about it, and how she feels about it. I'd imagine that if she doesn't have a problem saying no to the lingerie routine because it makes her boyfriend uncomfortable, and because to her it is a reasonable compromise then it's nobody else's place to call this a controlling or posessive situation. If SHE thinks he is out of hand, then that is a problem in their relationship.
Thaddeus Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 It has precious little to do with what she wears, and has everything to do with the fact that she knows it makes him uncomfortable but she'll go ahead and do it anyway. That's hardly caving in to a controlling personality. Obviously, she does not respect his feelings; she'd rather have the ego-boosting rush of wearing provocative clothing and all the attention that's bound to come of it than respect her man's feelings. If the tables were turned - that is, if the fellow was purposefully doing something that disrespected his lady's feelings - would that somehow be OK?
caramel c Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 It has precious little to do with what she wears, and has everything to do with the fact that she knows it makes him uncomfortable but she'll go ahead and do it anyway. That's hardly caving in to a controlling personality. Obviously, she does not respect his feelings; she'd rather have the ego-boosting rush of wearing provocative clothing and all the attention that's bound to come of it than respect her man's feelings. If the tables were turned - that is, if the fellow was purposefully doing something that disrespected his lady's feelings - would that somehow be OK? This is similar to how I feel about it. If I were her, I would just not do it. And I wouldn't think of him being controlling because I would understand his point of view on it. There are other things he could do/say to me that would indicate controlling or posessive behavior, but this does not go into that category for me.
Author JoeNat Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 It has precious little to do with what she wears, and has everything to do with the fact that she knows it makes him uncomfortable but she'll go ahead and do it anyway. That's hardly caving in to a controlling personality. Obviously, she does not respect his feelings; she'd rather have the ego-boosting rush of wearing provocative clothing and all the attention that's bound to come of it than respect her man's feelings. If the tables were turned - that is, if the fellow was purposefully doing something that disrespected his lady's feelings - would that somehow be OK? Yes, thank you thank you... I know I could be difficult at times but I didn't think this was one of them. I never said you cant do any events. Just events that will have more clothing on. Like I stated before she is such a wonderful person and I'm so deeply in love with her is sickening to others...lol... Caramel C... Thank you as well.. your advise is perfect and very much appericated...
missdependant Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 "not willing to share her body out like that." "My issue was that is something you wear for me and only me." I'd have to say I found something really unsettling about the word choice here too! Talk about POSSESSIVE! Apparently he OWNS this woman. I find it very awesome of your girlfriend for have made the compromise.. especially with how you talk about her as if you're a dog with a toy. I'd recommend less objectifying of her. If you don't want her to do it, then cool.. but talking/acting like she is an object that belongs to you? You should probably work on that.
Author JoeNat Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I'd have to say I found something really unsettling about the word choice here too! Talk about POSSESSIVE! Apparently he OWNS this woman. I find it very awesome of your girlfriend for have made the compromise.. especially with how you talk about her as if you're a dog with a toy. I'd recommend less objectifying of her. If you don't want her to do it, then cool.. but talking/acting like she is an object that belongs to you? You should probably work on that. If you took this out of context then I apologize... What I meant as I have already explained is... when you wear something like that it is for the two of us to enjoy during our private intimate moments. I dont want her just as she wouldn't want me to go out and be half naked for all to see. Stop taking what I said out of context. I dont objectify females at all. What I said to her was... you already know how I feel but do what you want. She, being the wondeful girl she is decided that my feelings are worth more than a few bucks. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being un-reasonable... I never said if you do this I will leave you, etc...
sally4sara Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 It has precious little to do with what she wears, and has everything to do with the fact that she knows it makes him uncomfortable but she'll go ahead and do it anyway. That's hardly caving in to a controlling personality. Obviously, she does not respect his feelings; she'd rather have the ego-boosting rush of wearing provocative clothing and all the attention that's bound to come of it than respect her man's feelings. If the tables were turned - that is, if the fellow was purposefully doing something that disrespected his lady's feelings - would that somehow be OK? I think it is perfectly reasonable for someone to be upset if their partner goes ahead and does something they know will upset their partner and make them feel disrespected. But to enter into a relationship with someone who engages in the things that upset you seems disrespectful too. I would agree with your view if the OP's GF took the job AFTER they started dating. Instead, this is the same as a woman being attracted to the flashy race car driver and them asking him to stop because she grows to actually love the guy and starts to feel it is too dangerous for him to continue racing cars. I believe in relationships full of freedom and acceptance. That can only be done when you seek compatibility first and worry about chemistry second. I don't think the OP is a controlling monster. A bit possessive yes, and guilty of not finding a more compatible person. Hopefully it can be worked out in a healthy manner. If it is all about the ego boost for her, it remains to be seen. The only thing for sure is she pays her bills doing it. From experience, this type of job does more ego eating than boosting. Something I'm not sure many men realize because they think they're flattering a woman when they objectify them.
Trialbyfire Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I'm a rather jealous person and so is she. As this is a reciprocated trait, I wouldn't feel bad about it, at all. The two of you appear to have an unsaid agreement, based on personal triggers. The two of you have the right to demand that those relationship boundaries be respected.
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