Just looking for some peace..

[JLT123]

I swear this isn't getting better but getting worse as time goes on and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I miss the woman so much and I obsess over it daily and nightly. I fall asleep on the couch and usually wake up around 1:30 AM, and then can't fall back asleep for another 2 hours or so because I sit there and wonder what she's doing with the new guy. If I do happen to fall asleep, I have vivid dreams about her that only intensifies things. Is she happy? Does she even think about me after 3 years? Has she introduced him to her family that was basically my family for three years? Does she remember that my son's birthday is tomorrow and how I took her and her two nephews out for the day, and it was like we were our own family? Does she trash me to him and everyone else for acting so persistent in getting her back?

 

Excuse the unrestrained melodrama, but I have been living a hell since the last time we spoke two months ago (which was easily the ugliest conversation we've ever had, at least on her end).

 

God help me, but I still love the woman dearly, which only compunds things because I really shouldn't. Often times, I find myself breaking down at work and just cannot take it so I have to get up from my desk and walk a few blocks around our building. My passion for anything that I liked in the past has vanished, be it fantasy football, watching sports, movies, etc.

 

My friends are totally sick of it because it has become all that I am about, and it is a daily struggle for me to either not call her or drive to her house.

 

I've met someone else that is gorgeous, younger and totally cool in everyway the ex wasn't, and I put on a good face with her and make sure not to mention the ex at all, but God I want this monkey off my back so bad.

[john1988]

Brother I feel you, have you ever tried any sort of therapy? It may be the only thing that helps you. The only ray of hope I can offer you is some day it will dissapear if you stay on the right track, force yourself to do these things don't give up there are worst things in life put your problems into context you could be dying or starving somewhere.

[JLT123]

I went to four weeks of therapy and it truthfully didn't help things too much. It's nice to speak to a professional and get an ubiased opinion, but the minute I leave her office everything comes flooding back.

 

I know for a fact that me seeking her out or trying to reconcile, again, will only pushe her further away, or closer to whomever this new person is, but I know I have to be stronger than that.. the sad thing is the only reason I'm doing it is in an effort to someday get back with her, and it's like I almost just want to put everything else in my life on hold in the hopes of that day coming. It's just all very pathetic.

[john1988]

I went to four weeks of therapy and it truthfully didn't help things too much. It's nice to speak to a professional and get an ubiased opinion, but the minute I leave her office everything comes flooding back.

 

I know for a fact that me seeking her out or trying to reconcile, again, will only pushe her further away, or closer to whomever this new person is, but I know I have to be stronger than that.. the sad thing is the only reason I'm doing it is in an effort to someday get back with her, and it's like I almost just want to put everything else in my life on hold in the hopes of that day coming. It's just all very pathetic.

 

I'm not being judgmental because I feel the same myself but I've got this strange feeling I'm never going to get my ex back until I move on and sort myself out. At this moment my life seems to be going terribly while from what I hear shes sailing through hers. I think we will both stay as we are until we sort ourselves out my friend- easier said than done. These sites are good because it's still all I want to talk about and my friends are sick to the back teeth of it.

[DustySaltus]

JTL, therapy takes a long time to see results. I never went to a therapist before my last relationship and it has just started to help me 6 weeks later. They have to get to know you and come up with a strategy to help you get past this. I know how you feel. 2 weeks ago I went to a BBQ with 25 people and had a great time. But of course I left the BBQ and walked around the block wallowing in self pity and thinking about calling her. It seems like such a long time ago. I'm getting my swagger back and you will too eventually.

 

As far a her "trashing" you to the other guy who really cares. I remember when I was with my EX, we ran into one of her old ex's and as soon as she saw him she told me "Hold me tighter". I could tell that the X was hurting and I almost felt sorry for him. It was a weak move on her part and looking back on it, totally representative of her personality. Her trashing "whoever" has nothing to do with you, she is keeping the focus off herself.

 

You can't ever let a woman define who you are. It takes some people longer than others to realize that, but eventually you will.

 

Please, please, please put on a brave face with this new girl. Take it one day at a time and don't try and compare her to your ex. Take the love gogggles off and you'll see things a little clearer. You'll be ok in time, stay with the therapy and stop thinking so much.

[JLT123]

My friend's have stated that exactly, about getting my 'swagger' back.

 

Compared to a year ago, I am a fraction of who I once was. I was a confident person who couldn't have cared less about being single. When I committed myself to being with her for the rest of my life, and then things ended the way that they did, over something so stupid, it was like a total destruction of faith for me. I've neglected myself, I eat probably once a day, lay on the couch and stare into space just praying she will pick up the phone and call telling me she made a mistake.

 

I sometimes think because the girl was so nasty to me the last time we spoke she's afraid to call because she thinks I hate her now, which isn't the case, so I think I need to take the first step and contact her, but I know that's not the right thing to do because I'm not over the hurt, and I would just come off as a pathetic mess.

 

It's just a constant war between the head and the heart that I just want to go away, whether it's through reconciliation or moving on.

[DustySaltus]

What's going on with this new girl? How did you meet her? You got anything set up with her for the weekend?

[JLT123]

I met her through match and she, ironicaly, lives in the same town as the ex.. not too far from her house, either. It's probably not the best of ideas, but I do like this girl, and I'm not going to allow something as stupid her proximity to where the ex lives derail things.

 

This weekend I have my son and it's his birthday, so we're not going to be able to really do anything, but she has to work out of town a few nights a week and she said she was coming back tonight, but not until later so we'll have to see if something works out. I told her I would bring some take-out Thai food over and a 6 pack, which she thought sounded awesome and basically said, "I was making it hard for her to say 'no'".

 

We've made some tentative plans next weekend to go to the German festival, and I asked if she wanted to go to a baseball game on my side of town and she was totally up for it.

 

Things seem to be progressing nicely, albeit slow, which is probably a good thing. She's kind of in the same boat as me in the sense that she was in a 3 year relationship, too, that ended about 6 months ago. Her's ended on noticably better terms than mine, and the break-up was a lot more mutual.

 

I really want it to work out, not only because I like her, but I think it will be a good step in me moving on. I've been playing it very cool and non-chalant, though, so I'm making headway at least.

 

Thing is, too, we talk great with one another. For hours sometimes. With my ex, it was literally her talking for 45 minutes and me sitting in silence, never asking about my day until she remembers to. So funny, you would think this other person would be a breath of fresh air, but I guess part of my heart is with someone else right now.

[JL911]

You have to look at the situation. When my ex broke up with me she basically flipped the script blaming everything on me and she walked away. It is a 2 way street. 2 parties are always involved no one person is to blame. The selfish move on her part is something I will never forgive her for...My heart never strayed. I was trying to create a future for us and for whatever reason, she just picked me apart so she could convince herself it was the right thing to do...Im sure it was probaly over some guy or whatever and that stinks, but whatever...I am better than that.

 

Im in therapy as well. Going on week 4 now. If you are sitting around bottling up all your emotions they never will leave and could end up being possibly destructive to other relationships or people you care about. Therapy makes you cope with the things you would rather let sit inside you and fester. You need to get it all out deal with the pain, go through the terrible motions and emotions of grief, and then pick yourself back up and get back into this F'd up game of Love....

 

What you lost is not what you had that person changed for whatever reason...The person who walked away from you is not what you need in your life...You must make yourself happy first then let someone make you even happier....A magical call from this person is not going to heal your wounds, even if they come back and find a fraction of what you once were, how long could they deal with that? You dont want someone to be with you because the feel sorry for you...

 

Once you figure things out you might even finally say, "Do I even want her back?"

 

Me personally, I am building walls against her daily in case she does pop back up with some kind of half assed apology....If my ex were to come back there would be a freeking obsticle course for her to go through before I would even CONSIDER the fact of a second chance.

 

I know I am going to have serious trust issues with another girl, but if she is the right one I will know to let my gaurd down...

[DustySaltus]

I met her through match and she, ironicaly, lives in the same town as the ex.. not too far from her house, either. It's probably not the best of ideas, but I do like this girl, and I'm not going to allow something as stupid her proximity to where the ex lives derail things.

 

This weekend I have my son and it's his birthday, so we're not going to be able to really do anything, but she has to work out of town a few nights a week and she said she was coming back tonight, but not until later so we'll have to see if something works out. I told her I would bring some take-out Thai food over and a 6 pack, which she thought sounded awesome and basically said, "I was making it hard for her to say 'no'".

 

We've made some tentative plans next weekend to go to the German festival, and I asked if she wanted to go to a baseball game on my side of town and she was totally up for it.

 

Things seem to be progressing nicely, albeit slow, which is probably a good thing. She's kind of in the same boat as me in the sense that she was in a 3 year relationship, too, that ended about 6 months ago. Her's ended on noticably better terms than mine, and the break-up was a lot more mutual.

 

I really want it to work out, not only because I like her, but I think it will be a good step in me moving on. I've been playing it very cool and non-chalant, though, so I'm making headway at least.

 

Thing is, too, we talk great with one another. For hours sometimes. With my ex, it was literally her talking for 45 minutes and me sitting in silence, never asking about my day until she remembers to. So funny, you would think this other person would be a breath of fresh air, but I guess part of my heart is with someone else right now.

 

Ok, a couple of things:

 

1. Who cares where she lives...its a great idea. The center of your world is where you are, not where you ex used to live

 

2. I'm seeing glimpses of the swagger in the second and third paragraph but try not to set up a couple of dates in advance, one day at a time.

 

3. Have you met this girl in person once? I've met one or two girls online and they both ended in disappointment because we talked on the phone so much before we met that it was almost like I pictured them a lot more interesting and beautiful then they really were. You need to meet this girl in person sooner than latter before your image of her outgrows the reality, no matter how beautiful she is....trust me I know.

 

4. Why are you having conversations about the X with her? This is like 3 or 4th date (in person) material and even then you tread lightly. You need to really pull back with that for now and make this girl feel like she is the center of the universe, without trying too hard.

 

5. This is the pre-honeymoon period. Everything looks good when you compare it to what you went through. Just pump the brakes. Don't get too high or too low on yourself.

 

How did you meet your ex?

[JLT123]

You have to look at the situation. When my ex broke up with me she basically flipped the script blaming everything on me and she walked away. It is a 2 way street. 2 parties are always involved no one person is to blame. The selfish move on her part is something I will never forgive her for...My heart never strayed. I was trying to create a future for us and for whatever reason, she just picked me apart so she could convince herself it was the right thing to do...Im sure it was probaly over some guy or whatever and that stinks, but whatever...I am better than that.

 

Im in therapy as well. Going on week 4 now. If you are sitting around bottling up all your emotions they never will leave and could end up being possibly destructive to other relationships or people you care about. Therapy makes you cope with the things you would rather let sit inside you and fester. You need to get it all out deal with the pain, go through the terrible motions and emotions of grief, and then pick yourself back up and get back into this F'd up game of Love....

 

What you lost is not what you had that person changed for whatever reason...The person who walked away from you is not what you need in your life...You must make yourself happy first then let someone make you even happier....A magical call from this person is not going to heal your wounds, even if they come back and find a fraction of what you once were, how long could they deal with that? You dont want someone to be with you because the feel sorry for you...

 

Once you figure things out you might even finally say, "Do I even want her back?"

 

Me personally, I am building walls against her daily in case she does pop back up with some kind of half assed apology....If my ex were to come back there would be a freeking obsticle course for her to go through before I would even CONSIDER the fact of a second chance.

 

I know I am going to have serious trust issues with another girl, but if she is the right one I will know to let my gaurd down...

 

You situation is pretty much exactly like mine. I did everything for this person, and we were talking about moving in together when we're engaged a month before she decided to end things. She was keeping the door open, barely, in regards to getting back together.

 

She meets someone else, and 3 weeks earlier she promised she "wouldn't be forgetting our conversation for a while" all of a sudden she doesn't love me anymore. Throws it in my face she slept with him already, really just doing her best to either break the emotional bond that was there, or do everything in her power to make me hate her, which all it served to do was bring me back to square one, and crush my heart.

[JLT123]

Ok, a couple of things:

 

1. Who cares where she lives...its a great idea. The center of your world is where you are, not where you ex used to live

 

2. I'm seeing glimpses of the swagger in the second and third paragraph but try not to set up a couple of dates in advance, one day at a time.

 

3. Have you met this girl in person once? I've met one or two girls online and they both ended in disappointment because we talked on the phone so much before we met that it was almost like I pictured them a lot more interesting and beautiful then they really were. You need to meet this girl in person sooner than latter before your image of her outgrows the reality, no matter how beautiful she is....trust me I know.

 

4. Why are you having conversations about the X with her? This is like 3 or 4th date (in person) material and even then you tread lightly. You need to really pull back with that for now and make this girl feel like she is the center of the universe, without trying too hard.

 

5. This is the pre-honeymoon period. Everything looks good when you compare it to what you went through. Just pump the brakes. Don't get too high or too low on yourself.

 

How did you meet your ex?

 

The couple of dates in advance thing was, like I said, tentative. She was the one to actually bring up the German festival, and she mentioned how she liked going to live baseball games, so I kind of threw that up in the air.

 

We have met two times so far, and by all indication, as stated, things are going well. We continue to talk about every other night on the phone, and like I said, we never run out of things to say, and I make her laugh which is always a plus. We've made out both times at the end of the date, so obviously there's an attraction there.

 

The conversations about the ex's are minimal at best. It was just something that came up in the 'getting-to-know-you' phase. We basically asked one another if we had been in any long-term relationships prior. I essentially played it off in the same way, saying something along the lines of, "She (the ex) deserves to be happy", when the reality is if she called tomorrow I'd be ecstatic, but like I said, I keep those brief conversations along the lines of me just not caring what she's up to.

 

Met the ex out.. we hit it off immediately.. went into things pretty fast, but we loved one another a lot. I just can't comprehend how this person I sacrificed so much for could turn into such an ugly person.

[DustySaltus]

First, let me say well played.

 

Secondly, the beast always comes out with anyone. Evereyone has a beast inside of them. You either stay and fight the beast or you run. How much you love the person depends on what you will do when that happens. Fight or flight........this goes for both parties.

[JLT123]

First, let me say well played.

 

Secondly, the beast always comes out with anyone. Evereyone has a beast inside of them. You either stay and fight the beast or you run. How much you love the person depends on what you will do when that happens. Fight or flight........this goes for both parties.

 

Well I appreciate the words of encouragement. No one I know is going through this right now, or at least if they are they're handling it a lot better than me.

 

It's been two months, and I'm a lot better than a month and a half ago, but still, it's a process.

[silic0ntoad]

Well I appreciate the words of encouragement. No one I know is going through this right now, or at least if they are they're handling it a lot better than me.

 

It's been two months, and I'm a lot better than a month and a half ago, but still, it's a process.

 

 

Ain't that the truth. You know though, you seem to like this new girl. Take it step by step. Try as hard as you can to NOT compare her to the ex. Accept her for the great person she is.

 

1. Great play on thai food. Always a killer.

 

2. No advance dates (By advance I mean a week ahead and so on).

 

As far as the closeness of the ex, to hell with it. She left you, remember? You still have rights to the stomping grounds, not her.

[JLT123]

Ain't that the truth. You know though, you seem to like this new girl. Take it step by step. Try as hard as you can to NOT compare her to the ex. Accept her for the great person she is.

 

1. Great play on thai food. Always a killer.

 

2. No advance dates (By advance I mean a week ahead and so on).

 

As far as the closeness of the ex, to hell with it. She left you, remember? You still have rights to the stomping grounds, not her.

 

I'm very much trying to accept the cool person she is.. like I said, this new girl seems to very much be into me. She's successful (a lawyer), has a great personality, funny, great conversationalist, will sit down and have a glass of beer (I think my ex still only drinks Smirnoff Ice), has an, admitedly, better body than my ex, which sounds shallow, but it's things I force myself to look at as a positive, which isn't to say the ex didn't have a nice body, but hey, guys will always measure those kinds of things.

 

Thai food always seems to be a good option, especially just kind of showing up with a 6 pack along with it.. kind of a mix of sophistication and backyard BBQ.

 

I'm not trying to pin her down on the advance date thing. Like I mentioned before, I told her the Tigers were in town and she seemed pretty open to going.. we'll 'play it by ear' without trying to spring anything at the last minute.

 

The proximity to where the ex lives is less about me caring what she thinks in the event we bump into each other in public and more about just a lot of memories that come flooding back.. and, of course, keeping myself from driving by her house since I would rather not see a strange car parked where mine was for so long.

 

I would rather the ex almost know ahead of time because the she is liable to say something to either me or the new girl indicating I'm only seeing someone in her town because of her, or that she thinks I'm an *******.. if she pulled something like that I honestly don't know what I would do.

[silic0ntoad]

I'm very much trying to accept the cool person she is.. like I said, this new girl seems to very much be into me. She's successful (a lawyer), has a great personality, funny, great conversationalist, will sit down and have a glass of beer (I think my ex still only drinks Smirnoff Ice), has an, admitedly, better body than my ex, which sounds shallow, but it's things I force myself to look at as a positive, which isn't to say the ex didn't have a nice body, but hey, guys will always measure those kinds of things.

 

Thai food always seems to be a good option, especially just kind of showing up with a 6 pack along with it.. kind of a mix of sophistication and backyard BBQ.

 

I'm not trying to pin her down on the advance date thing. Like I mentioned before, I told her the Tigers were in town and she seemed pretty open to going.. we'll 'play it by ear' without trying to spring anything at the last minute.

 

The proximity to where the ex lives is less about me caring what she thinks in the event we bump into each other in public and more about just a lot of memories that come flooding back.. and, of course, keeping myself from driving by her house since I would rather not see a strange car parked where mine was for so long.

 

I would rather the ex almost know ahead of time because the she is liable to say something to either me or the new girl indicating I'm only seeing someone in her town because of her, or that she thinks I'm an *******.. if she pulled something like that I honestly don't know what I would do.

 

 

I got ya. Well, I can say you seemingly are at war with yourself. You want to give yourself to the NG, but the EX is in the way. Quite a dilemma!

 

I like the sophisticated BBQ tbhing. I am hereby copping that

 

Well, it takes ALOT of strength to not do the drive byes. I did it once when I was checking to see if she was home. I wanted to drop the rest of her stuff off when she wasn't there. She wasn't home so I gave it to her parents. Boy did I get RIPPED for that!

[DustySaltus]

I would rather the ex almost know ahead of time because the she is liable to say something to either me or the new girl indicating I'm only seeing someone in her town because of her, or that she thinks I'm an *******.. if she pulled something like that I honestly don't know what I would do.

 

Who knows, maybe the new girl will tell her to mind her own business. Then my friend, we have a keeper!

[JLT123]

Who knows, maybe the new girl will tell her to mind her own business. Then my friend, we have a keeper!

 

Well the new one is infinitely more mature (and 5 years younger..explain that one), and would probably look at her and roll her eyes.. the NG seems like the type of person that would laugh at her as opposed to thinking any less of me, and I guess that would be an ideal scenario, meaning the ex comes of looking like the petty fool.

 

I am in bit of a bind on this one, but the one thing I try and bring myself back to is the fact that, at least on the 'good days', is that this will all come back to bite her.. whether it's this new guy turning out to be a complete jerk, and doesn't treat her nearly as well as I did, and she's totally unhappy, or she knows looking in the mirror everyday how horrible she was to me. You don't spread negativity into the universe like that without the karma coming back to bite you.

[Beeotch]

I swear this isn't getting better but getting worse as time goes on and I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I miss the woman so much and I obsess over it daily and nightly. I fall asleep on the couch and usually wake up around 1:30 AM, and then can't fall back asleep for another 2 hours or so because I sit there and wonder what she's doing with the new guy. If I do happen to fall asleep, I have vivid dreams about her that only intensifies things. Is she happy? Does she even think about me after 3 years? Has she introduced him to her family that was basically my family for three years? Does she remember that my son's birthday is tomorrow and how I took her and her two nephews out for the day, and it was like we were our own family? Does she trash me to him and everyone else for acting so persistent in getting her back?

 

Excuse the unrestrained melodrama, but I have been living a hell since the last time we spoke two months ago (which was easily the ugliest conversation we've ever had, at least on her end).

 

God help me, but I still love the woman dearly, which only compunds things because I really shouldn't. Often times, I find myself breaking down at work and just cannot take it so I have to get up from my desk and walk a few blocks around our building. My passion for anything that I liked in the past has vanished, be it fantasy football, watching sports, movies, etc.

 

My friends are totally sick of it because it has become all that I am about, and it is a daily struggle for me to either not call her or drive to her house.

 

I've met someone else that is gorgeous, younger and totally cool in everyway the ex wasn't, and I put on a good face with her and make sure not to mention the ex at all, but God I want this monkey off my back so bad.

 

I know exactly how you feel....

 

Funnily enough you said you want the monkey off your back and I said recently to my bestfriend that I feel like a huge gorilla is sitting on me, weighing me down and suffocating me.

 

I hope its that it gets worst before it gets better...

 

I felt horrible when it just happened....then I felt a little better esp with NC...then after finding out recently about his new gf...I went back to feeling horrible again. I know all the advice, I pray, I try to stay positive but sometimes I feel like I just want to sleep until I am over him...sometime my stomach is in knots all day...sometimes I wake up thinking about him, missing him, getting urges to check his social sites, to text him, I get angry at him, angry at this girl...upset at life. Trust me I know.

 

It is a really agonizing process and I kind of embrace the fact that...there is NOTHING I can do to really make it better. I am not gonna do what my ex did and jump into another relationship to avoid the pain. So I just get the encouragement from my friends, from the site, from other sources and throw myself into trying to do me.

 

Find things that make you feel better...even a little...that are HEALTHY. The truth is...no activity is going to erase these ppl from your mind, but atleast doing them day by day does help, slowly but surely.

[JLT123]

It's funny.. you have these, what I call, small moments of clarity that sometimes hit you. Like yesterday afternoon, I started feeling better for some reason. Not really sure why, but I just did. It lasted for all of about 45 minutes, but it was liberating.

 

Went right back to feeling like shyte this morning, but I'll take whatever I can get at this point.

[JLT123]

I just think it's getting ridiculous.. I closed a rather large deal yesterday, the boss is happy, I have my son for his birthday this weekend, things are progressing well with this new person, and I end up breaking down multiple times at work today.

 

I think the other thing is she was always around for my son's birthday in the past and I miss her not being here like crazy. When we broke up, she ended up taking his Christmas gifts back, along with mine, so I guess it doesn't surprise me that she won't bother to call to wish him a happy 7th, but I just can't comprehend how a person that's been so cruel I could pine over so much.

 

It's just twisted.. period.

[silic0ntoad]

I just think it's getting ridiculous.. I closed a rather large deal yesterday, the boss is happy, I have my son for his birthday this weekend, things are progressing well with this new person, and I end up breaking down multiple times at work today.

 

I think the other thing is she was always around for my son's birthday in the past and I miss her not being here like crazy. When we broke up, she ended up taking his Christmas gifts back, along with mine, so I guess it doesn't surprise me that she won't bother to call to wish him a happy 7th, but I just can't comprehend how a person that's been so cruel I could pine over so much.

 

It's just twisted.. period.

 

It's not twisted. You two had a routine. Dates and times are set within your mind that you don't even know. Thus the off and on feelings. Perfectly natural. But you will get through it.

[JLT123]

Thing is, I know that she knows that it's his birthday today, and I have a feeling she's, in some way, maybe feeling the same way.. at least, I tend to think that's the case.

 

This site does help, though.