peaches1019 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 After dating a guy for almost 5 years, I had a little over a year to enjoy the "single life". I dated a few guys but nothing serious and yes I slept with them. All of these guys being in the same social scene but not friends... more of acquaintances but they all new each other. I was always the type of girl that likes to be in a relationship so I soon after wanted more then just casual dating. I started seeing my now boyfriend shortly after that. We started hanging out often and really started liking each other. He then found out that I had dated/slept with these three guys that he knows. It bothered him @ first but he seemed to get over it. Then he questioned me about it every day asking how I felt about them, how what we have is different from them, saying I was just out running around and getting very angry about it. It is getting worse then getting better. It is consuming his life pretty much. He thinks about it all the time. He has stopped questioning me about it but he still can't keep it off his mind. I keep telling him that my past is my past and to leave it there but b/c he knows who these 3 guys are and sees them occasionally he can't get over it. I told him before that we should just end our relationship...not b/c I want to but b/c he can't get over this and I can't change my past. But then he made me feel bad for wanting to break up and that's not what he wants. I'm totally head over heels in love with him and without this issue we couldn't have a better relationship. I'm not sure what I should do to help him think differently or if I even can......
lostsunsets Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 If you love him, you take it till you can't. Hopefully he will wise up. Your past may be your past. But there are consequences to everything we do.
Author peaches1019 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks for the reply. I know there are consequences to everything but I also feel like that was a learning period for me. We'll see what happens....
lostsunsets Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Ok, here is the question. What did you learn? Unless that was just something to say. No accusations. Just a question.
Author peaches1019 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I learned that the ******* "bad boy" types that I was dating were never going to change, that going out and partying doesn't bring anything rewarding into my life, and that I was ready to be in another commited relationship.
lostsunsets Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Then stick with your BF. At least you know that he has a conscience, and thinks and feels things deeply. Its tough for a guy to be around other guys that have known his woman (I use that in a non ownership way). Is there anyway to avoid these other guys? Maybe find a new circle of friends?
Author peaches1019 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I understand that totally. And yes we can avoid them socially but he sees one of them randomly b/c he lives near us so that's unavoidable unless we move out of town. He saw one this morning on his way to work and got mad.
lostsunsets Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 If it keeps up. You may want to agree to no contact with your boyfriend for a time. This allows him to focus on whats really important. Its a break, not a break up.
lkjh Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 wow, I think you two should break up. If I was your bf I wouldn't be able to get over that. I mean think about it, there are a group of guys that he has to see and all of them have slept you. For future references don't sleep with a bunch of guys that hang out together. It makes you look pretty bad.
AAlike Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I'm not sure what I should do to help him think differently or if I even can...... nope, you can't do anything, other than say that you don't remember it and/or it sucked (even if it didn't!). don't apologize for it either, when he brings it up just try and laugh it off. how old is your bf? and are you his first serious relationship?
Author peaches1019 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 He's 34 so no it's not his first serious relationship. He's always been in long term relationships.
AAlike Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 He's 34 so no it's not his first serious relationship. He's always been in long term relationships. hmmm...well at 34 he shouldn't be having this problem. it's funny because when guys do have this problem (which I had in the past BTW), it's usually a sign that they really love you, but I'm sure that it's hard to take. i'm not saying that he should or will get over it, but the problem is that he wants to keep you around while NOT getting over it.
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I'd sit down with the guy, tell him that if he can't deal with my past and move on, we'd have to break up. I'd tell him if it continues to be a problem, I'll be ending things. Yes, there are consequences for the things we do, but just because we error does not mean we should spend years after paying for it, and having it shoved in our faces. It's not as if you cheated on him. I personally think he has no right to hold this over your head. He has nothing to do with it.
AAlike Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 wow, I think you two should break up. If I was your bf I wouldn't be able to get over that. I mean think about it, there are a group of guys that he has to see and all of them have slept you. and that's fine, if that's how you feel, you're perfectly entitled to that. some people would care, some people wouldn't. I'm not saying that it's the guy's problem because he should or should not be able to get over it. it is the guy's problem because he is prolonging the relationship yet still not able to move on. i'm sure it's confusing her, and it's probably confusing him too, honestly - I've been there.
AAlike Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Yes, there are consequences for the things we do, but just because we error does not mean we should spend years after paying for it, and having it shoved in our faces. right, and honestly, why is it even an "error"? It's not as if you cheated on him. I personally think he has no right to hold this over your head. He has nothing to do with it. correct - but trust me when I say that the guy is not consciously doing it.
Author peaches1019 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 right, and honestly, why is it even an "error"? It's not as if you cheated on him. I personally think he has no right to hold this over your head. He has nothing to do with it. correct - but trust me when I say that the guy is not consciously doing it. Yes he's definitely not doing it consciously. He says he doesn't want to feel like this, actually that he hates feeling like this. He just can't help it. He's even considered going to therapy b/c he loves me and wants us to work out.
AAlike Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Yes he's definitely not doing it consciously. He says he doesn't want to feel like this, actually that he hates feeling like this. He just can't help it. He's even considered going to therapy b/c he loves me and wants us to work out. well, therapy is certainly an option, and if he's willing to do it, good for him. having been in his situation (albeit not for two years, that is an awfully long time to be dealing with this!), I know that it is exasperating for both of you, and I hope that you can get over it. the problem is that you get in a cycle of how to "snap out of it" or "just get over it" but it's impossible because you are dealing with an emotional, not a conceptual or logical, issue. and emotional issues just take time to pass. the problem is by fixating on it he's not allowing the time to pass.
dreamergrl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 right, and honestly, why is it even an "error"? correct - but trust me when I say that the guy is not consciously doing it. He's gotta be doing it consciously to a point. It's been brought up to him, and he still does it.
AAlike Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 He's gotta be doing it consciously to a point. It's been brought up to him, and he still does it. hmmm...maybe my use of "consciously" is not the most accurate choice of words...obviously he is aware that he is bringing it up... I guess what I meant is that he is not bringing it up because he wants to make you feel bad, even if, unfortunately, it is doing just that.
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