john1988 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I have been thinking for awhile now do you think relationships are kind of like how we look upon jobs, clothes, houses or cars etc? In which we are never quite satisfied until we think we have gotten the top of the range for our budget/capabilities/looks maybe? Is it only when we feel we have exceeded ourselves in what we have we become content? Does the dumper for eg feel they are able to stretch to shopping in Prada whereas the dumpee is content with their Abercrombie as this is already expensive for their price range? Is this always the mindset? Strange analogy I know but go with it haha, what are your thoughts?
Author john1988 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I felt at times that was the person hanging onto the top designer jacket incase anyone bought it but never really had enough money to afford it. That sort or reality I struggled to face
Tayla Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Sorta out of the loop on the analogy. But will say this, Shopping is great for the Budget minded! SO if you dont want to lose alot in a relationship, stick to Thrift stores (analogy wise)! Folks who are truly budget conscious know that Quality merchandize isn't always found in High end shops or by the label. But rather by the person who wears it well
Ronni_W Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 John, Yes, people who don't have high self-esteem and self-worth do use external stuff (people, money, objects, titles, "status" symbols) to try to feel worthy, accepted, loved, safe, secure, etc. It sucks to use other people like that, and make them responsible for our own confidence, esteem and general emotional well-being. In any case, it doesn't work for the long-term -- when we "lose" whatever we misguidedly attached our esteem to, we feel devastated. And during the relationship, we're also never quite sure that we "deserve" our partner, which, our insecurity leads us to act needy, jealous, dependent, etc. IMO, it's just lose-lose, to believe that our externals can or "should" make us feel worthy, valuable and important.
silic0ntoad Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Materialism is a western perception of prestige. Unfortunately, if you're considering blaming the death of your relationship on materialism, you can rest assured that the future for whoever it was that broke it off with you over this will be miserable. Most of the time when you marry for money and prestige, feelings AREN'T involved. I think, honestly, what is being said here, is relationships are tradeable. Kind of like a car. I have a 98 Dodge Durango. No problems really. But eventually, something better will come out that I'll want. I think, unfortunately, ALOT of people think the grass is greener. Thus the demise of traditional relationships in western culture. Christ, people have polyamorous marriage. What's the point?
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I think human attachments are very complicated. They don't necessarily make sense. Supposedly people have 2 desires which they share with children which dominate a large part of how we all behave; we all want acceptance (security, safety, committment) but also attention (which doesn't always come with security, safety and committment). For example the good child that is brought up in the nice house with the nice house, has security and safety but they still need a WHOLE LOT of attention and any of us that pretend otherwise are deluding ourselves. I think sometimes that relationships can be dispensible, we all need other people to feed our needs and essentially all relationships are selfish, not altruistic, because our relatonships make us feel good, desired, happy, loved, sexy, like we are going somewhere...and even when we hang onto them its because we believe we can get the good back...or because the person in question is too insecure or fearful to look for a new partner or be alone. I think many people go into relationships selfishly wanting it to make them feel good without really putting in the effort to making their partner feel good. However I also am starting to see that once the honeymoon stage passes, even a solid relationship is difficult to maintain because everyone wants passion and excitement and if that fades.....it can be hard to be 'happy with your lot'. I didn't feel the passion or excitement fade with my ex, I felt my love with him could last forever, but he ended it. Now i'm not sure I can feel that crazy level of emotion again...other people seem boring by comparison...and not because i'm not open-minded. One thing I don't realise about love is that why is it rarely ever equal? There is always one that is head over heels and one that can walk away...and we always seem to want the one that doesn't want us, rather than the one that does (turned into a bit of a rant)
Trialbyfire Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 You're talking about the Ladder Theory, john. And no, not everyone subscribes to it. Perception is everything though. If you value your partner, you'll do more to make it work. But the only way to honestly value your partner, is to value yourself, since you'll have extra to give. Nikki, for some of us, love isn't a drama-coaster. While everyone goes through the infatuation stage with someone new, IMO if it's solid, it doesn't even begin with the drama-coaster, nvm continuing that way. As well, look for a more emotionally balanced relationship, where both parties are feeding the relationship. Imbalanced relationships always fall down, just like humpty-dumpty.
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 You're talking about the Ladder Theory, john. And no, not everyone subscribes to it. Perception is everything though. If you value your partner, you'll do more to make it work. But the only way to honestly value your partner, is to value yourself, since you'll have extra to give. Nikki, for some of us, love isn't a drama-coaster. While everyone goes through the infatuation stage with someone new, IMO if it's solid, it doesn't even begin with the drama-coaster, nvm continuing that way. As well, look for a more emotionally balanced relationship, where both parties are feeding the relationship. Imbalanced relationships always fall down, just like humpty-dumpty. Its not about drama but many relationships become boring and stale; a partner lets themselves go, stops making effort, you never go out anywwhere. That causes a drama all of its own, where the only 'excitement' comes from arguments rather than two people enjoying themselves and having fun.
Trialbyfire Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Its not about drama but many relationships become boring and stale; a partner lets themselves go, stops making effort, you never go out anywwhere. That causes a drama all of its own, where the only 'excitement' comes from arguments rather than two people enjoying themselves and having fun.Understood. That's why the qualifier of both parties feeding the relationship. Also, with age, there will be a reasonable amount of letting go. If someone has let themselves go suddenly and/or a lot, there are greater problems such as taking too much on and having nothing left for self or the first signs of sliding into depression. Having said all that, there are enough people who battle with their genetics, just to "catch" a partner. If the externals matter so much, find yourself a partner with equal mind v. someone who's just pretending.
Recommended Posts