lillymountain Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Hi everybody! i' new i this forum and seeking some opinion and advice. i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 months now. we met during a climbing trip in france, fell in love at first sight (i didn't believe this could actually happen). he came over to visit me a few days - and the a few weeks later he came to stay for three months. it seemed somehow to be guided from above, we lived together, had our little fights and great times and were growing closer every day. two weeks ago he flew home - we live 900 miles apart from each other - and i'm going to visit him in 5 days (gonna stay three weeks) he already talked about renting out his apartment and moving here.... the reason why i post this if everything is so perfect is this: in the last two weeks we talked on the phone twice. sometimes we chat, but not everyday ..and he started conversation twice... i'm definitily not the kind of person who needs to talk and write every few hours. i don't even need it every day. but this seems to be not enough for me.. i know he cares but this is making it difficult for me though... i eve talked to my dad and he told me just to have patience, 'cause might be that he is goign through some "hard tim" deciding wether or not he should give up his world and come and live with me and maybe he just needs this kin of space now so reconsider everything well. can anybody give me some advice? tnx lilly
AnnPod Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Well tell him you don't feel happy with this and that you wanna know what's going on with him. I would suggest to say that you have doubts that are caused by this kind of behaviour. Maybe he has just a lot of stuff to do, maybe he needs some time to decide upon general things. And yes, I think your dad is absolutely right: Sometimes people need space, even in an LDR. If your boyfriend is thinking about if he wants to move out of his world to live with you (and in an LDR eventually someone has to do it), then this is not an easy thing to decide for him. So yes, be patient with him and give him time for that. You are not making things better by putting pressure on him. That's not easy, I know. But anyway, you gonna see him soon, and then you can sort things out together
Mountainlove Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 are you the one lately who are making all the contact? I was in a similar position and for me it was insecurity what hit me. I kept on asking myself why he did not make more effort. So I talked to him which really helped me! Secondly I felt that he should make more effort, so I stopped contacting him...that really worked because I felt better because it did put me into control again which I felt I have lost. With me not contacting him it must have made him think because he then changed his behaviour. So sometimes we have to change ourself in order to get people do something what we want :-) hat will maybe help you as well....but also remember to talk to him and say how you feel!!!!He might don't realize how you feel.
Author lillymountain Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 thank you for your replies! it's this stupid thing about LDRs...not looking at each other while communicating makes it weard sometimes cause you can't tell and half of the normal repertoire of comunication (body language...) gets lost. i guess i just need time to figure it out for myself and to calm down... but my problem is: my last boyfriend moved to canada for job reasons, i waited half a year and stayed pretty calm, cause i was actually giving space, and then he just stopped calling me and drifted away- and six months later he showed up for asking me if we could just be friends... so i think now, that this is getting more serious emotionally i tend to overreact and be easily scared, but that's just the way it is... tnx again lilly
Mountainlove Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 yes you are right with communication via e-mail we only use 7%. All the other 93% we use when communication is via body language, sound etc. So it is really hard!!! It is good that you see him soon so I would really try to have an open conversation with him!!! When did he mentioned that he wants to live with you last? Do you discuss it all the time? Or did he stopped talking about it?
Author lillymountain Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 we talked about it a lot a month ago and then decided it would be better to wait another couple of months. then he went home and since then he keeps talking about it faintly hidden. thinks like - "it's hard to motivated to find a job here again, 'cause i don't want to get stuck here too long..." and then he told me that he is thinking about renting out his appartment, asks me to keep an eye open for a job for him, stuff like that. so, no he has not stopped talking about it at all, he just doesn't talk straight about it, but that's fine, 'cause I actually want him to reconsider everything pretty well - it's a big step leaving all your friends behind- and it would be pretty stupid to decide this under pressure or in a rush, 'cause it could seriously harm even a very strong relation. being on my own now, once in a while i just had the feeling i couldn't reach him... this is becoming better now again - but you're right, i really should talk to him and maybe tell him about my last boyfriend and that this is way i sometimes might need a bit more reassurance...
Author lillymountain Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Hi!! i just wanted to give you an update about how things are... and i just need to talk.... i came back yesterday from wounderful three weeks with may bf. our situation now is: he is looking for a shortterm contract (3 to 6 months) cause he needs to earn some money and its harder for him to get an equally well paid job here (language barrier), organise everything to rent his appartment, get a car,....and then basically move here. ...it's just hard, cause their wont be much time to see each other... i work part time and have just started a master course programm which is consuming almost all may time (but its so cool they accepted me and its almost fully paid by the state, so i cant really give that up). so it's basically all fine, but i miss him so much it hurts. i allready thought of looking or a different job, cause at my current position work 5 days a week 4 hours per day and there is no way i could lump it all together and work let's say 3 day a week. but it's a really well paid job and my mates and even my boss are really supporting my decision to study again. but that all doesn't seem to count so much... my parents tell me to stay cool, cause a few months is nothing and there will be weekends to visit every now and then and time will fly by fast. anyway, any advice or shared experience would help...tnx
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