Author zilgurl Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Never hand your enemy ammunition. The darker you go in terms of the OW the better. Yes totally agree. Thanks for that. Heres my final plan. I have written a letter saying sorry wasnt here for him and conditions of continuing in relnshp are: That either H gives up OW altogethr or is completely open and honest with corrspndce until trust is restored. Nothing less will do. Have said if I dont hear from him in couple of days will assume relnshp over and either he or I move out. Im off to find a nice place to stay for a couple of days and treat myself to a lovely spa/massage.
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 . Heres my final plan. I have written a letter saying sorry wasnt here for him Don't say sorry, for anything! you have no need to apologise for anything!! You have nothing to regret in what he has done!! Take that bit out!! and conditions of continuing in relnshp are: That either H gives up OW altogethr or is completely open and honest with corrspndce until trust is restored. No 'OR'!! Condition of relationship is that he cuts off all contact, full stop and end of story! Openness means being open with you, not open with you AND her!! She is out of the picture!! Whilst she is anywhere near to the scene, you will NEVER, EVER trust either of them at all!! Nothing less will do. Have said if I dont hear from him in couple of days will assume relnshp over and either he or I move out. Im off to find a nice place to stay for a couple of days and treat myself to a lovely spa/massage. Oh holycrap, don't tell me you have already sent it?? Damn, you should have run it by us first! Now he thinks that because you've given him conditions, he can manipulate it around to what he wants to do anyway! It should be an ultimatum, not a condition!! This is going to be an ongoing saga, because he will never agree to your conditions. You've just given him the best way out he could ever have prayed for, because your conditions just prove your neurosis. Don't you get it? You've played right into his hands!
Author zilgurl Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Ooooh, note that.... "When" I leave....not "If"...... So tell me you really are clearing out and leaving on Sunday...! Yay for you! Hey Tara maiden Im holed up in this gorgeous Apartment with a spa bath. Tomorrow Im booked to have a 3 hour spa massage session tomorrow so Im feeling good. He will arrive home to a message with a clear cut boundary- Me or her or relationship kaput!!!!I'm feeling very empowered right now. Glass of wine helps too. LOL. Im booked in for 2 days and he doesnt know where I am. Im in a small city about an hour and half away from ours. Ive said that if he doesnt contact me in the next couple of days I will assume hes not interested in abiding by the conditions so we will agree to split up. Have said that if hes not prepared to agree to the conditions of stopping relationship or showing all her emails to me until trust is restored then we are finished. Sad after 31 years but if he feels awful then he only has his "friend" to thank for this. She was the one that sowed seeds of discord.
TaraMaiden Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I feel for you. If you've read my thread, I have discovered that some men "just don't get it"... They think they know us so well, that we're predictable, and of course, we won't go through with it, how on earth could we? I mean, we're weak women, how on earth could we manage without them? Life without us would be unthinkable, because it's someone they have control over...they click their fingers and say 'jump', and of course, we always respond with 'how high?' Well, your doing this, is exactly the same as my refusing to take the ring back. It's got him finally understanding that actually, no, everything is certainly NOT hunky dory..... Please follow through. Please don't let him undermine you, turn everything round on you, put it all on you, or blame you and make you ever think he has even a tiny grain of justification for what he's doing. This woman is doing the one thing he craves. Paying him attention and putting him on a pedestal. Let her. Be strong honey. Keep your resolve and know that everything he says is all sh*i*t in the breeze. have one for me!
Thornton Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I agree with TaraMaiden - don't allow him to continue contact with this woman. Reading emails "until trust is restored" means you'll be reading them forever, because you can never trust him with this woman ever again. Plus you'll always feel insecure when she's around, because you already know what a manipulative cow she is. Imo you should tell him that he either cuts contact forever or the relationship is over.
bentnotbroken Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 I agree with TaraMaiden - don't allow him to continue contact with this woman. Reading emails "until trust is restored" means you'll be reading them forever, because you can never trust him with this woman ever again. Plus you'll always feel insecure when she's around, because you already know what a manipulative cow she is. Imo you should tell him that he either cuts contact forever or the relationship is over. Amen, amen.
freestyle Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Don`t forget, he`s already done this before, back in 2003, driving you to the point of a breakdown. Please keep that in mind if or when he tries to reconcile.
Author zilgurl Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 I feel for you. If you've read my thread, I have discovered that some men "just don't get it"... They think they know us so well, that we're predictable, and of course, we won't go through with it, how on earth could we? I mean, we're weak women, how on earth could we manage without them? Life without us would be unthinkable, because it's someone they have control over...they click their fingers and say 'jump', and of course, we always respond with 'how high?' Well, your doing this, is exactly the same as my refusing to take the ring back. It's got him finally understanding that actually, no, everything is certainly NOT hunky dory..... Please follow through. Please don't let him undermine you, turn everything round on you, put it all on you, or blame you and make you ever think he has even a tiny grain of justification for what he's doing. This woman is doing the one thing he craves. Paying him attention and putting him on a pedestal. Let her. Be strong honey. Keep your resolve and know that everything he says is all sh*i*t in the breeze. have one for me! Well people thanks for all your support. I gave him an ultimatum and of course he has decided to move out. Very loving response but none the less final. In a way its really sad but at the end of the day my dignity and self rspect is more important than kowtowing. She leaves the country tomorrow. Sory but I just had to send her a txt to say that she nd she lone is soley rspnsble for breaking up our marriage. I was angry. We could always talk about stuff before (hell we've managed to make it through 31 years) and I believe she filled his head with doubts about us and as I said in my original msg she decided that I was not stimulating enough and I got the impression that she felt she was the one to be able to do this. You know what my guess is that one day her husband will be crying about their relationship breaking up because if shes done this to us shes capable of doing it to others and her husband is a fool.
2sunny Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 good for you putting your foot down and having a boundary. if you think about it - he really isn't participating in the "marriage" right now anyway, so he's basically done you a favor and acknowledged that he's absent in the relationship. his effort and energy has been with her for a while... i, personally, wouldn't want a man who is physically present and mentally and emotionally absent. what's the point? to pretend like he's actually there? that is the delusion under which he has been acting. now that the pretending is eliminated you have the opportunity to face the reality of being happy on your own... whether he's around or not. he's been hanging around sucking the life out of you. all the negative energy is exhausting... this is your chance to live again.
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Sorry for your pain..Your H is an a.ss! To throw away a 31 year marriage is bloody ridculous, and one day he is going to look back in regret, but it'll be too late. He made his selfish choice. I would take it one step further and forward everything that you have to the OW's husband. I highly doubt he knows much of anything, even though your H has said he does know about their friendship and is OK with it.
MistyK Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Sad after 31 years but if he feels awful then he only has his "friend" to thank for this. She was the one that sowed seeds of discord. she alone is soley rspnsble for breaking up our marriage Really? Did your H have NO responsibility? Did she magically charm him with some drugs or something? I didn't think so. If she were standing in front of him naked begging him to f her, he should still refuse. Maybe she went after him, maybe he went after her, but either way he made the choice to continue after he knew he crossed the line. Put blame where blame is due - on your H!
Author zilgurl Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 Really? Did your H have NO responsibility? Did she magically charm him with some drugs or something? I didn't think so. If she were standing in front of him naked begging him to f her, he should still refuse. Maybe she went after him, maybe he went after her, but either way he made the choice to continue after he knew he crossed the line. Put blame where blame is due - on your H! Actually you are right. No she didnt magically charm him. He made choices too. Ive noted a pattern in their emails- they both make neg comments about me then praised each other up - typical dynamic in affairs the uninvolved spouse is the bad guy thats why they have to lean on each other
Adunaphel Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Congratulations for standing your ground and taking action to deal with the main problem in your marriage, i.e. your H. Now the problem has moved out, so in a way you got rid of it. I have no idea whether your H will regret his choices (I do hope he does, and he will, if there is some sense in him), but I am positive that you will be *proud* of your choice when you look back at it. Just stay strong. At least now your H's is *her* problem, now. Again, stay strong. And keep in mind you did the right thing for yourself!
tami-chan Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 oh wow...that was quick...hope you are ok. At least no more wondering and no more being in angst about the marriage. You can now move forward. Be kind to yourself. Good luck!
Author zilgurl Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 oh wow...that was quick...hope you are ok. At least no more wondering and no more being in angst about the marriage. You can now move forward. Be kind to yourself. Good luck! No its not quick this original post was the result of stuff thats been going on for ages. His leaving letter said he loves me but has been unhappy for some time. Wish hed been more honest in the first place . Still living with secrets and dishonesty is more painful than not living with him at all.I think because he and OW have viewed me in a such a patronising and pathetic way it has increased his dim view of me. In order for them to continue their relatnship (even tho it will only be via email for a couple of years) they have had to paint a dim view of me otherwise they couldnt live with their conscience.
jj33 Posted August 23, 2009 Posted August 23, 2009 Sweetie. Today it feels like having him on any terms is better than not having him at all. But in time that will change. You will restore your self respect and you will get your confidence back. Its bound to take time but it will happen. You were a great wife for 31 years. You will be a great partner for someone else who will appreciate you. Im sure its too soon to think of that but in time things will get brighter. Take good care.
Author zilgurl Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Sweetie. Today it feels like having him on any terms is better than not having him at all. But in time that will change. You will restore your self respect and you will get your confidence back. Its bound to take time but it will happen. You were a great wife for 31 years. You will be a great partner for someone else who will appreciate you. Im sure its too soon to think of that but in time things will get brighter. Take good care. Thanks for that. I dont think you understand my quote. I said that its more painful living with him with secrets and dishonesty than the pain of moving apart. (Still I dont know what that feels like just yet)
2sunny Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 maybe i missed it - but did you contact the OW before she leaves?
Author zilgurl Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 maybe i missed it - but did you contact the OW before she leaves? If I was moved to do so I have her new email address. Im ambivilent between keeping my dignity and having a vent. I think my dignity is more important why give her the satisfaction of knowing how pained I am about whats happened. H has probably already told them. But they will besupporting him. In the mean time......................Im still here..........trying to hold on tight without losing it. Im told that its hard at first. Im also told that once Ive recovered, I'll wonder why I didnt do it sooner.
tami-chan Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 If I was moved to do so I have her new email address. Im ambivilent between keeping my dignity and having a vent. I think my dignity is more important why give her the satisfaction of knowing how pained I am about whats happened. H has probably already told them. But they will besupporting him. In the mean time......................Im still here..........trying to hold on tight without losing it. Im told that its hard at first. Im also told that once Ive recovered, I'll wonder why I didnt do it sooner. I agree with you....keep your dignity and do not give her the satisfaction of knowing how pained you are.....It IS going to be very difficult to keep it together. 30+ years with someone is a lot of years. Falling in love with someone is a lot easier than to make one's self fall out of love. However, I think you are doing what is needed. From now on, you have to be selfish and think only of what is good for you.
Thornton Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 If I were you, I'd tell her husband everything. Tell him that you asked your husband to stop seeing his wife or else the marriage was over, and your husband chose his wife over you. See what he makes of his wife having broken up your relationship - see what he thinks of your husband leaving you for his wife! He deserves to know that his wife's infidelity has broken up your marriage... does he even know your husband has been having an affair with his wife? Hopefully he has the sense to get rid of her too.
blueintheface Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 If I were you, I'd tell her husband everything. Tell him that you asked your husband to stop seeing his wife or else the marriage was over, and your husband chose his wife over you. See what he makes of his wife having broken up your relationship - see what he thinks of your husband leaving you for his wife! He deserves to know that his wife's infidelity has broken up your marriage... does he even know your husband has been having an affair with his wife? Hopefully he has the sense to get rid of her too. Sometimes i really feel like beating my head up against the wall for zilgirl. Seriously, how many times does she have to say the OW H is supportive of his destructive wife? How many times?! Otherwise it would be good advice. I saw on *cough*DrPhil*cough* the other day, they were talking about some movie called Fireproof. I think someone mentioned that a lot of marriages get broken up by external influences (i.e. "well meaning" friends). It's supposed to be about a husband who does everything right to save his M but at every turn his wife gets advice from her friends and negates all the efforts towards relationship repair. Sounded interesting. Anyway, I hope you find happiness and am rather glad that you have such strength and dignity to make difficult choices. Hurt now or hurt later right? At least it wasn't walking away from 36 years.
MistyK Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I saw on *cough*DrPhil*cough* the other day, they were talking about some movie called Fireproof. I think someone mentioned that a lot of marriages get broken up by external influences (i.e. "well meaning" friends). It's supposed to be about a husband who does everything right to save his M but at every turn his wife gets advice from her friends and negates all the efforts towards relationship repair. Sounded interesting. That's the Kirk Cameron movie. It has the worst acting I have ever seen. And magically after the movie came out, the fictional book that was featured in the movie was relased as a real book. The storyline is trite and contrived, and the dialogue is phony and forced. There are a number of scenes where the W is crying to her friends and they all say she should dump her husband. But I can't imagine any real friends in real life telling someone that she should leave a marriage based on the problems presented in the beginning of the movie: he doesn't help clean enough, he works long hours, isn't "romantic"/incredibly thoughtful, and occasionally dabbles in internet porn. I really don't think friends can influence us to sabotage a salvageable relationship. They have limited influence, even in helping us end bad relationships. How many of us have hung onto a miserable relationship that all our friends and family have told us to leave for our own good?
freestyle Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Misty K I respectfully disagree. I have witnessed "friends" sabotaging relationships, both in my own life, and those of others. I believe it depends on the personalities involved.For example, I believe someone who is lacking a strongly defined sense of self can be influenced by a more forceful and/or controlling personality. It`s a sad thing to see. Even someone who is normally strong can be influenced if they`re going through a rough spot (i.e. bereavement). They can be vulnerable. In Zilgurl`s case here, I do believe the OW played a hand in creating the alienation between Zg and her H. I`m not absolving him for his behavior whatsoever, not at all. This is what I gleaned from reading the content of the emails that the OW was sending to ZG`s H. It was very demeaning.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Even if OW's H is supportive, he still needs to know that her OM left his W to be with her. I'm sure OW has gaslighted her H into thinking that it is fairly harmless and won't affect their marriage. Things like this change the dynamic considerably.
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