zilgurl Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 My husband is friends with a woman he met through his work about 2 years ago. His first meeting was when she put him up at her place for 10 days whilst he worked in her city at her work. Her husband only came home at weekends. They found they had a lot in common and got on really well. I was invited last year to visit with him the next time he went up there. Then we were invited over the holidays for a couple of nights. He has had several jobs with her and stayed on several occasions since. I thought the relationship was just friends but a couple of months I discovered he had been keeping daily email contact and they were talking about me and our relationship. (Not in a good light I may add). I was angry because I had no knowledge of this nor did they have my permission. He claims I would have reacted if hed told me and his fears were realised because I did react but it was because it was done by email on a daily basis and in secret. ( and by what he was saying about me). His explanation was that he was seeking help because we had begun to grow apart. In one email she said to him " I had a feeling that.... might at some stage associate your questioning of your relationship with your visits to us. Thats because I see your need for more stimulation and a deeper level of discussion than you are getting" . He refuses to give up their friendship- says hes friends with her husband but only she and him email each other. Am I paranoid?
2sunny Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 nope - not paranoid. when there's nothing to hide - there's nothing to hide. i think something is seriously going on with the two of them... you need to dig further and when you find out what is really going on - that's when we can help. i think you only know a small percentage of their so called friendship.
Gamine Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 nope - not paranoid. when there's nothing to hide - there's nothing to hide. i think something is seriously going on with the two of them... you need to dig further and when you find out what is really going on - that's when we can help. i think you only know a small percentage of their so called friendship. Anyone who carves themselves out as providing something to your husband that you are not (even if it is in their own mind) is seeing themselves as connected to your husband... and is not... in my opinion... a friend to your marriage. If she and/or her husband are not friends of your marriage he shouldn't be cavorting with her/him. Period. She's explaining to him that she is giving him something you are not... which spells trouble with a capital T. The whole thing stinks in my opinion. It simply doesn't pass the sniff test.
2sunny Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 and the fact that he's unwilling to give up the friendship means that his friendship takes precedence over the marriage. he is showing by his actions and sticking with the contact that he is willing to disrespect you and disregard the marriage in order to still have contact with her. SHE is his priority... he's made that perfectly clear.
StarChick Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 and the fact that he's unwilling to give up the friendship means that his friendship takes precedence over the marriage. he is showing by his actions and sticking with the contact that he is willing to disrespect you and disregard the marriage in order to still have contact with her. SHE is his priority... he's made that perfectly clear. I completely agree with this. And, zilgurl, you're totally justified in being suspicious, hurt and angry. Those emails you found discussing your marriage (and you! what balls these people have!) would have pushed ME over the edge. How dare he!
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 When your relationship is in trouble, you might well discuss it with others for feedback, but you also discuss it with your partner. And both people are aware there's a problem.... aren't they? Were YOU aware there was a problem in your marriage? Did you know you were 'growing apart'? If so, did you broach the subject with your husband? But has it ever occurred to him that the reason you are growing apart is because he's focussing his attention on someone else? If he aims his attention on someone else - then yes, of course you two are going to grow apart! Tell him that if you two are ever to grow together, then the brick wall between you (her) has to be demolished. She has to go. Or you do. His choice. Oh, and - be sure to tell him you're talking to other people too. And they all say the same thing. In fact - to hell with it. Show him the thread! there's 'open' for you!
Author zilgurl Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I knew it was in trouble and yes I tried to discuss with him but he put up the brick walls. Yes it was around the time he was having very close contact with her. He signs his emails with "Love from" or "Lots of Love from" No he didnt discuss any of it with me. I found out when I looked at an email and discovered that they were discussing me at great length so I went looking to see what else had been talked about me. Hed said that he had no-one to talk to and since she was a friend and she happened to be a counsellor he confided in her. She failed to suggest he include me- poor boundaries for a counsellor dont you think. It was not a professional relationship. I felt that the distance was because of the relationshipwith her. Yup told hoim I was going to leave but he said he might do that instead. But he seemsto have changed his tuneand is tallkng to me a lot moreand we are alot closer now. She is leaving the country to go to the otherside of the work for a couple of years.No doubt they will be in email contact in fact he wrote that to her that he would "miss her but we've still got email" [uOTE=TaraMaiden;2339307] When your relationship is in trouble, you might well discuss it with others for feedback, but you also discuss it with your partner. And both people are aware there's a problem.... aren't they? Were YOU aware there was a problem in your marriage? Did you know you were 'growing apart'? If so, did you broach the subject with your husband? But has it ever occurred to him that the reason you are growing apart is because he's focussing his attention on someone else? If he aims his attention on someone else - then yes, of course you two are going to grow apart! Tell him that if you two are ever to grow together, then the brick wall between you (her) has to be demolished. She has to go. Or you do. His choice. Oh, and - be sure to tell him you're talking to other people too. And they all say the same thing. In fact - to hell with it. Show him the thread! there's 'open' for you!
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 if she's a counsellor, then yes, she has certainly over-stepped some boundaries, and got too up close and personal. you have some options here: ONE: Now that you're closer, tell him you expect him to cut off all contact with her, and stop e-mailing her. things are better.... aren't they? Two: e-mail her yourself, and tell her you feel she greatly overstepped her authority, and as you and your husband are now getting along much better (no thanks to her) you expect her to cease all contact with your husband immediately, and not respond to anything communicated or sent to her ever again, from this moment on. She exceeded the boundaries of her professionalism, and she is no longer required as a component in your marriage. Three: break things off, anyway. that episode just proves he did it once, he will do it again. he's not to be trusted.
jasminetea Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 You know what, never mind if he's engaged in an EA or PA, if he's continuing to discuss you and your marriage with her, without your permission and infact in direct opposition to your request that he stop, then remove him from the situation so he's no longer has anything to discuss about it. Kick him out and let him learn the consequences of disrespecting you and your marriage.
LaGazelle Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Zilgurl, I am in a bit of a rush, but just wanted to add... In one of your previous posts for this thread on the OW forum, you mentioned the OW and her H are moving, but you "dare say the emails will continue". Please empower yourself - the thing which you should dare to say to your H right now, is that the emails and all form of contact MUST stop. If he has issues with you he needs to discuss them with you or in a MC forum. In the meantime, please grab a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass as a preventative guide. Prevention is better than cure! Also have a look on one of the source articles on Mate Poaching Tactics to understand exactly what is unfolding. Could you also change your schedule a bit to keep your H on his toes. Do something by yourself that will help you feel great - a mani, pedi , salon visit or something like that, or just go for a walk, but only tell him you will be busy, but would love to see him afterwards. I suggest you don't give him any details until after - keep him on his toes! Must run. Have a nice day.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 You are not paranoid. They are having an affair.
Spark1111 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Yes, definitely an EA, maybe on it's way to a PA. I agree. I read once that when someone begins to discuss how unhappy they are in their marriage, you should respond with, "I know of a good counselor. Would you like their phone number?" Any continued conversation is a huge breech of relationship boundaries and fosters an intimacy with someone other than your spouse. It's classic. It's how my husband's affair started. Zilgirl, nip it in the bud now!
PhoenixRise Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 My husband is friends with a woman he met through his work about 2 years ago. His first meeting was when she put him up at her place for 10 days whilst he worked in her city at her work. Her husband only came home at weekends. They found they had a lot in common and got on really well. I was invited last year to visit with him the next time he went up there. Then we were invited over the holidays for a couple of nights. He has had several jobs with her and stayed on several occasions since. I thought the relationship was just friends but a couple of months I discovered he had been keeping daily email contact and they were talking about me and our relationship. (Not in a good light I may add). I was angry because I had no knowledge of this nor did they have my permission. He claims I would have reacted if hed told me and his fears were realised because I did react but it was because it was done by email on a daily basis and in secret. ( and by what he was saying about me). His explanation was that he was seeking help because we had begun to grow apart. In one email she said to him " I had a feeling that.... might at some stage associate your questioning of your relationship with your visits to us. Thats because I see your need for more stimulation and a deeper level of discussion than you are getting" . He refuses to give up their friendship- says hes friends with her husband but only she and him email each other. Am I paranoid? No You are not paranoid. Your H at the very least is having an emotional affair with this woman. Take this very seriously. Don't expect him to confess anything. Do not let him turn this around on you. Emails of this nature passed between your H and another woman are inappropriate to say the least. Tell him if the relationship is innocent, then you want to establish contact with HER husband to discuss it.
freestyle Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Hi Zigirl: There`s nothing worse than feeling like you`re being tag-teamed by your SO and another female. IMO, (and my experience) it doubles the pain of betrayal. I would be very tempted (if I were you) to ask your H this: How is she possibly qualified to render an opinion about the state of your marriage when she`s only hearing ONE side of the story??? My God, as a professional counsellour, she ought to know better. Unfortunately, the therapeutic fields are filled with people that do more harm than good,(covert abusers, controllers,emotional vultures, etc.) Granted, I don`t know all the details, but I`m wondering how many of the "problems" in your marriage that your H perceives (that you were unaware of)......................................................................................................... ......were actually suggestions planted in his head by her? If he is a person lacking a clearly defined sense of self (and boundaries), then he was ripe pickings for a controlling personality: "Gee, I never looked at it that way before, maybe you`re on to something".... OR "oh, I`m just telling this as your friend...................." etc. etc. etc. Then she gets the ego boost of playing "the rescuer"..................... And you`re being villified in your abscence, put on trial and denied the right to be present to speak in your own defense. It smacks of the way "justice" is carried out in a fascist regime............it`s unfair beyond imagining. I feel your pain, I truly do, I`ve actually had the same experience (eventually I`ll post my own thread about it) I hope the fog will lift from your husband`s eyes, maybe if he reads some of the responses here it will expedite the process. Wishing you my best................................................
misternoname Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Rewrite your post inserting you for him and her for another man and ask your husband how he would feel...as far as I'm concerned it is never appropriate for a spouse to confide in or discuss their marital issues with a member of the opposite sex. Especially one that they "lived" with...don't be a fool. There's a lot more going on here than he's telling you. Keep your eyes wide open. Best of luck.
Author zilgurl Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Zilgurl, I am in a bit of a rush, but just wanted to add... In one of your previous posts for this thread on the OW forum, you mentioned the OW and her H are moving, but you "dare say the emails will continue". Please empower yourself - the thing which you should dare to say to your H right now, is that the emails and all form of contact MUST stop. If he has issues with you he needs to discuss them with you or in a MC forum. In the meantime, please grab a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass as a preventative guide. Prevention is better than cure! Also have a look on one of the source articles on Mate Poaching Tactics to understand exactly what is unfolding. Could you also change your schedule a bit to keep your H on his toes. Do something by yourself that will help you feel great - a mani, pedi , salon visit or something like that, or just go for a walk, but only tell him you will be busy, but would love to see him afterwards. I suggest you don't give him any details until after - keep him on his toes! Must run. Have a nice day. Thanks for this- Yes Ive already ordered a copy of this book. Yes Im already doing things for me. Hes buying their car of them and travelling up this weekend to pick it up and celebrate their departure ( I wasn't included). I have asked him to respect me and not mention me or how Im doing etc. He has said via email as hes away at present- and I quote exactly as it was sent to me: "I don’t know at this stage what I will be talking about specifically. It will be about me and my relationship with you. That is what I am working on right now. And it is about me and my stuff. If I mention you it will be in relation to me. Just like one would do in a counselling relationship. Please give me the permission to be able to talk about me and my stuff. I have to be able to talk." What are your thoughts?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Answer him.. do what you please, just don't talk about ME or MY stuff.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I know its not the healthy thing to do, and probably poor advice, but in you given situation, I would call the friends H and talk about my problems with my H. And I'm telling you, I WOULD. He's not listening because he likes the connection with this woman. He IS in an EA and that's powerful stuff. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but he will continue to gastlight you and blameshift. You are going to have to stand up for yourself, he's not going to change without a reason to. And her absence will only have him put her on a higher pedastool.
2sunny Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 in most areas - she has crossed the ethical line for her job. you couls slap her with a lawsuit before she leaves... that would alert her husband of a problem. also, he is going to pick up the car? what a joke... who does he think he's kidding? and of course he didn't invite you - he wouldn't be able to do with her one last time what he wants to do. i would tell him if he goes - don't bother coming home. have the locks changed... evidently this woman and a car are worth the risk of your marriage - from his perspective. put your foot down. his actions say that he doesn't care about you at all. he's willing to go without you knowing it puts your marriage at risk and hurts you as well... that's not how a loving husband acts - that's how a selfish, self centered boy acts when he wants his own way - and wants everyone to act like it's all ok. :sick: throw him out.
freestyle Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I would strongly suggest to him that if he reaaally feels he needs counelling- that he finds a marriage counselor for both of you, together. If he also wants individual counselling, it needs to be someone who he doesn`t interact with socially. She is so obviously biased, and my guess is that she`s lapping this up. You`re going to obtain much more insight once you read "Not Just Friends". One of the points it made strongly was that there should be no friends (for either partner) that are not friends of the marriage. And this business of excluding you from his trip up there is a bunch of b.s.!!!!
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 "I don’t know at this stage what I will be talking about specifically. It will be about me and my relationship with you. That is what I am working on right now. And it is about me and my stuff. If I mention you it will be in relation to me. Just like one would do in a counselling relationship. Please give me the permission to be able to talk about me and my stuff. I have to be able to talk." Reading this made my stomach lurch. It's SICKENING. He is being a real jerk and what you should do is, have his bags packed and on the front porch so when comes home, he can go stay somewhere else. He is having a full on affair, or here's another thought - Maybe a 3-some with this couple. Either way, the way he is treating you is awful. Stand up to him and take control. What a pr*ck!
bentnotbroken Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Reading this made my stomach lurch. It's SICKENING. He is being a real jerk and what you should do is, have his bags packed and on the front porch so when comes home, he can go stay somewhere else. He is having a full on affair, or here's another thought - Maybe a 3-some with this couple. Either way, the way he is treating you is awful. Stand up to him and take control. What a pr*ck! :mad:agree. He is gas lighting and definitely in a full affair. Change the locks, pack his bags and tell him you put all his stuff in storage. He is a turd stuck on stupid.
2sunny Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 :laugh::mad:agree. He is gas lighting and definitely in a full affair. Change the locks, pack his bags and tell him you put all his stuff in storage. He is a turd stuck on stupid.:lmao: i'm glad i'm not the only one who sees through his load of crapola. i don't think he's even worth bothering with or making the effort to try to work things out. you deserve a MAN - not a turd.
Author zilgurl Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 First I did not know what the circumstances were re the husband being away as this was the first time he had met her. I only found out about it when he got home and told me. Second I believe that each person in a relationship is a person in their own right. I dont control him and he doesnt control me so its not really a case of me "letting " the other peron do or not do something. Not trying to get at you as I hear what your saying and am grateful for your input.
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 This isn't about you controlling him, it's about RESPECT and honour. Married folks don't take off for the weekend like your husband has, due to the circumstances. They are having an appropriate 'friendship.' Anyway, the choice is yours, maybe you're not ready yet to take control of the situation - That's different than what you mentioned about control - And talk to him, put your foot down and let him know that his behaviour is rude, disrespectful and dishonest towards you.
Recommended Posts