musgrrl Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I've been with my SO since Nov 2008 and at the beginning of the year, his job sent him to the west coast. Since then I've seen him once. He visited me in March for three days. It's now August. I've offered to fly out to where he is to visit him, but he's afraid if I book a flight and then his job calls him for work, that I won't be able to reschedule without paying a hefty price. Basically, he doesn't want me to waste my money and I appreciate that. But it still doesn't solve the problem of my needs not being met. I've tried to find out for the rest of the year when it will be possible for us to see each other, and it seems as though he has no time for me. He's got family he's visiting here in the US and abroad. I feel like I'm being played. But I don't know. So I sent him a text message late last night that I was not satisfied with this relationship. That it's not fulfilling my needs which are basic. All I've ever asked him for was good communication and for us to set times to see each other four times a year. He's so afraid to commit to dates because of his job, and that he'll disappoint me. But he's disappointing me anyway by not having time for me. Here's some of his response to my text: I'm sorry that you aren't getting your basic needs from me and you feel that I don't show enough interest. The truth is I think my work and family obligations take up all my free time and I don't think I can create much more to give you what you need right now and it sounds like you already have an escape plan. So maybe it's best to concede that this isn't going to work out. You're a good girl and you deserve more than what I can give you right now and I'm sorry it wasn't something better. I feel conflicted after reading this. Like maybe he's doing the best he can and maybe I should give him more of a chance. I just want to hear from some of you in LDRs. I feel like we should be able to see each other more than one time a year. Yeah, we live on opposite coasts, but we are still in the US. Also, I feel like i've had to work so hard to have good communication between us. In the beginning of our LDR, the frequency of communication was very sparce. He has improved, but my feeling is that I shouldn't have to work so hard to get a basic need met. Am I missing something? Also, he has applied to jobs on the east coast. He's even applied in the city that I'm in. So he's trying. But there's something in me that thinks he's also taking me for granted by not being able to see me more than once a year.
Adri Ana Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Look,musgrrl, you are missing the main thing . He is NOT into you like you are into him . No matter what kind of the job he has got, a man that loves WANTS to build his life close to his love, so that he sees her ,meets her more and meets her needs as well as his own . But as he has no such needs ,so you see the result . Wish him the best and search for your happiness somewhere else .
jumi Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 The truth is I think my work and family obligations take up all my free time and I don't think I can create much more to give you what you need right now Right there he straight out told you that he cannot offer you any more than what he is giving you, so if you feel like you need more in order for you to feel happy and secure in this relationship, then you are not going to get it. The only change you can make is in your own perspective. I feel like you can make the best of the situation you have, or just let go and find happiness elsewhere. There's gonna be risks and strains and possibilities in any decision you make over this, so imagine what the aftermath of each decision will affect you and follow your gut.
Romance Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 He doesn't even sound like he cares, that message he sent you shows NO emotion over breaking up. I do think it sounds like you can get someone who will respect your communication requests more.
Author musgrrl Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks to you all for commenting. Yeah we just broke up. He says that he knew that the timing wasn't right. I think it's more than that. I guess I wasn't the one. But I'm ok. It's better to know now than wait until I've invested so more time.
Tayla Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 No offense MusGrl but i think we both broke up with the same guy!!! Just kidding. Mine lived in the same town although it qualified as LONG Distance because of his emotional indifference. I got the same speech when it came down to commitment and sharing quality time. Truly, its one of those easy out speeches. It turns and twists it around AS IF you are demanding or wanting too much, when in fact you are Asserting yourself in a healthy relationship. Amazing the way that speech works. Luckily if you are wise you'll simply accept his invitation to move on as fast as you can and realize that an opportunist of that nature isn't going to be able to maintain the "meant-to-be-type" relationship. As soon as they see the opportunity to leave, they do.... My heart goes out to you , may you gain from the experience . My grandma used to say- Use your manners in life- Open the door for friends and close the door likewise for unwanted guest
Author musgrrl Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Tayla, I believe there are far too many guys that are like our ex-boyfriends. Yeah I did assert myself because I knew that I was the only one that was going to look out for my needs. I want to find a relationship in which both people are concerned with fulfilling each other's needs. I know I will attract that and everyone deserves a relationship like that. The one good thing that came out of this is that I am not torn up over it. He and I don't hate each other. It just wasn't meant to continue. So at least we can part without a lot of drama. Now all the energy I was using on this can be used for something else. It's all good.
Ashbash11 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Hi musgrrl I am sorry (and glad) that you broke up with your BF. I just wanted to add my 5 cents: I am in a similar LDR situation (east coast----> west coast) and when I read your post, it raised a red flag in my mind, because even though my boyfriend and I are 3,000 miles away from each other and we have numerous obstacles to overcome for our relationship, we see each other once a month. Either he visits, or I do. I save my money to visit him, and vice versa... He schedules as many visits as he can. It alarmed me that you had only seen your BF ONCE in that long and that he wasn't doing everything he could to try and see you or tell you when YOU could visit him... That was a bad sign right there. If a man is truly in love with you, he will do EVERYTHING he can to see you.. That's what I've learned through this process. I hope you find a guy who treats you well and goes out of his way for you and shows you he really loves you. We all deserve that!
Thornton Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 It's worrying that you had to send him a text to tell him you weren't happy with the relationship - shouldn't such issues be discussed over the phone at least? Him texting you back to basically break up with you is even worse, and just shows a complete lack of respect for you. You can be sure that he had an ulterior motive in not wanting you to book a flight - if he has holidays scheduled than his employer can't legally insist that he has to change his plans at the last minute - and even if they could, if he really wanted to see you he'd take that risk. No, he was making excuses not to see you I'm afraid. He was prioritising everything above you and your relationship, and that's not a position you want to be in - nobody who truly loves you would prioritise work and numerous family visits above seeing his gf. If someone wants to see you, they will make time, period. You weren't asking for a great deal; your requests were very reasonable and he just wasn't engaging in the relationship, he was making excuses not to see you. A normal response to you feeling neglected would be "I'm sorry you feel neglected, I don't want to lose you so obviously I'll do everything I can to solve this issue". His actual response was "Tough, I don't care how you feel. My work and family are more important than you and I don't care enough about you to make an effort. If you don't like it, dump me". He didn't even have the balls to dump you; instead he tried to push you into dumping him by saying things like "you obviously have an escape plan", "this isn't going to work", "you deserve better than me". What a spineless creep! You are well shot of this guy, believe me. Go out and find someone who is actually interested in you and is prepared to make an effort to communicate.
Author musgrrl Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Thanks to this forum, I am handling this very well. All of your comments have been great. Thorton, you are so right. I wasn't asking for a lot and yet he put me last. This is unacceptable. So I spent the weekend with my extended family and I'm now moving on. I'm not sure why I was supposed to go through this experience, but I learned a lot from it. Thanks to you all.
SuburbanOblivion Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 The job excuse raised a red flag for me too- no job requires you to be on call 365 days a year, everyone gets vacation time, it's just the law. If he wanted to be with you, he would have. SO and I live over 4k miles apart and see each other 4 times a year. As for what you've gotten out of it? Simple- you've figured out what you *don't* want- a man who won't make you a priority in his life Best of luck to you
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