JMA707 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hey everyone, Recently, about 3 weeks ago my girlfriend who i was with for about a year and half broke up with me. The reason for the breakup was because I had grown complacent in our relationship and I had made her feel like I didn't care about her and that I chose certain things over her. Basically I took her for granted. I didn't even realize I was doing this and by the time i figured out all the mistakes I had made she decided that she had enough and she ended it. The problem is I truly do love this girl, I just forgot what I had and now that she's gone I realize how bad I messed up. Anyways after she broke up with me she said that she wanted space and time for her to heal. She told me "I still want to be friends..please keep in contact with me.." Naturally I did all of the things that people say not to do, i.e. calling her, texting, telling her how much I loved and missed her, apologizing nonstop saying that I had changed now, begging for her to give me a second chance. She would always respond by saying "No" and when i asked why she would tell me, "I don't want to get hurt anymore". I didn't know it then but everything I was doing was just pushing her farther away from me. About 2 weeks after the breakup I heard from some mutual friends that she had been talking about being with another guy who she had been friends with for years. I had serious suspicions because I knew that she spent almost all of her time with this guy, but i always had assumed that they were JUST friends. Stupidly I asked her about it which only further angered her because she got the impression that I didn't trust her, which for the most part was true. It just drove me crazy to think that she could even be with another guy so soon after our break up. I mean we had been together for over a year and only 2 weeks later it seemed like she had completely moved on. After that incident she blew up at me saying that she felt like i was pushing her with guilt and that she didnt feel ANYTHING for me anymore. She said she still cared for me a lot, she just didn't have any romantic feelings at this point. So now it has been about a week later and at this point she has openly told me that she really does like that other guy and if he were to ask her out she would accept and be with him. So basically eventually they will be together somewhere down the line...When I asked why she wanted to be with him she told me, "I feel like if I let myself like him, that I can really fall in love with him." I just talked to her yesterday and i told her that I was done talking to her about us, about the possibility of us being together anymore because everytime we talked about it would always end with her getting angry at me. The thing is when we talked I wasn't pushy and I wasn't mean. I never even badmouthed the "other" guy. I simply said my true feelings to her but somehow everything I said seemed wrong in her eyes. Anyways we agreed to keep in contact but when i asked her for how long she said "for as long as i can." Meaning that once she is with her "new" guy that she probably won't talk to me as much or at all because she won't need me anymore. I am so in love with this girl. The entire time we've been apart I've been doing the best to live my life and better myself. I originally live in California but I flew down to DC to take my mind off of things around 2 week mark of the breakup. Even though I'm all the way across the country all I can think about is her being with that "other" guy. She said that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore but I think that she was saying it because she was confused and hurt about all these feelings she is having. When I asked her if we could ever be together again she said "I don't know about the future, but right now I can't see it." She also said that she likes all of the attention she has been getting since becoming single. So that brings me to my question. What should I do? I've been thinking that maybe i should stop all contact with her, but I have a feeling if I do that it will only make her forget me and I will NEVER have another chance with her again. However if I keep talking to her I am going to have to deal with her being with another guy. I am so confused and I will do anything to have her back..but I realize that at this point it might be too late. Anyone have any advice that could possibly help..? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Cold hard truth? You have ZERO choice! You cannot talk to her AT ALL! You need to focus on yourself until you don't even want to talk to her anymore. SHE"S GONE!!!! IT'S OVER!! NC,NC,NC! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMA707 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 yeah..the thing that makes this whole thing worse is that I thought we had worked everything out. before we broke up we had taken a break, not to see other people, just a week or two apart. anyways at the end of the two weeks she had decided to go on a camping trip with her friends so i called her to work everything out. I told her how stupid i had been acting and that i was going to change because i loved her..and she agreed that we would make it work and that she loved me. then the day she got back from the trip she called me and said "we need to talk". She couldnt even say the words to me..but once she said those 4 words i knew that she was ending it.. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 That's the way it normaly works,man. They start puuling away weeks, if not months before they decide to end it. Me and my "ex" went back and fourth a couple of times for the first month or so at the begining. Once I found out she was still seeing the other guy, I disapeared and began healing myself and moving on. She would call and text but, I wouldn't responed or answer. It will be 5 months the 29th of this month. She's now been back to calling every day and wanting to hangout for the past 2 weeks. I was in a better mindset emotionaly to handle it without all of the clouded BS in my mind. You have to know and accept that she is GONE for good to move on. It's hard and takes time but, it's your only option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMA707 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 hey man, thanks for the advice..it really helped. i know that your right..but its just hard to stop talkingt to her because this girl is the love of my life. not only was she my lover but she was my best friend. we literally did everything together and spent everyday together. to me shes the perfect girl, i just lost sight of what i had..anyways, does anyone else have any input on my situation? it would really help Link to post Share on other sites
001bh Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 stop beating yourself up. I did exactly what you did and felt like crap for a month. Go watch 500 days of Summer and you'll realize that there really is no such thing as the one. Go out make new friends, trust me you will and you'll find someone else. NC and forget about it. Link to post Share on other sites
DSM2709 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 JMA707, your situation sounds somewhat like mine. Right now, she's with this other guy, but she's still iniating contact with me...not sure if there is a motive or not, or if she's really missing me. I miss her and love her like crazy. I have seen her in the past 2 days, but not sure if I will see her again...maybe. I'm just taking it one day at a time and not getting my hopes up. I want her back so bad myself, so I know how you feel. The weekends are particulary hard for me. I have been speaking with her these past few days, and I keep telling myself not to rehash the past about us, and not to beg for forgiveness, or beg for her to come back to me, which I hav'nt done, I am trying NOT to show weakness which so far so good. I've been very positive when speaking with her. I've been very good about doing my own thing and not appearing to be "available or needy", which has been a problem in the past with me. I am working on the issues that have damaged my relationship between us and I have been going to the gym now for about a month, and it feels great. I am doing these things for MYSELF and nobody else, so remember that. Do what you gotta do for yourself. I'm really hoping she will give me another chance, and she will drop this other guy, plus she's not sure anyways about this guy because he lives 2 hours aways and he might get deployed for 18 months...not too promising of a relationship if you ask me. I wish you the best of luck, and keep your chin up, talk to your friends, family co-workers, or even your higher power etc etc. If you cry, then cry and get it out of your system, I have cried many times. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMA707 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks for all the advice guys. Yeah she knows how much this entire thing has been killing me and she always says, "Just because we're not together doesn't mean we can't be here for each other. What can i do to help you..?" and its like...she knows what i want. She knows giving me a second chance is really the only thing she can do for me now..So why does she even ask? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks for all the advice guys. Yeah she knows how much this entire thing has been killing me and she always says, "Just because we're not together doesn't mean we can't be here for each other. What can i do to help you..?" and its like...she knows what i want. She knows giving me a second chance is really the only thing she can do for me now..So why does she even ask? She's doing it to releive her guilt in the decision to breakup with you. She doesn't want to help and is being selfish thinking you you can be there for her.. Link to post Share on other sites
Omega3 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I'm with the others, start no contact. Nothing you can do is going to change what she believes could be the better choice for her right now. She'll string you along until the new guy is confirmed. Any chances you have will be after those two try. He'll probably have to hurt her for you to get another chance. The only other chance is that if you drop out of the picture, she may miss you some. If the other guy doesn't play his cards right, you may still get another chance. Just have to be careful if she comes back under those circumstances. You are in second place at best right now. Back away, it'll help you move on. You can't beat this other guy right now. Even if you could get her back, do you think that the feelings for this new guy just disappear? Do you want to know that while you think you're winning her back, she's thinking about the other guy? Chances are you'll be over her by the time (IF) she wants to come back, then you see if you really want her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Omega3 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 She's doing it to releive her guilt in the decision to breakup with you. She doesn't want to help and is being selfish thinking you you can be there for her.. Agreed. Guilt is most common in the dumper. You're helping her relieve this guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Agreed. Guilt is most common in the dumper. You're helping her relieve this guilt. Exactly. Guilt is the heaviest sword to bear. MAKE her bear it alone. Even if she is with someone else, she will have to deal with that guilt. It's human nature. Don't make the break up easy. Vanish from her and keep her wondering the what ifs. In the mean time, hit the strip and have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMA707 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Share Posted August 21, 2009 thanks for all the advice and support guys. yeah i just wish there was some way that i could win her back but i know you guys are right. i should just leave it alone. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 yea...unfortunatly thats all you can do at this time is leave it alone. It's the best thing for yourself to focus on you, the only person that matters now. A good way to look at it is, you now don't have a worry in the world and can do whatever/whoever whenever hell you want! There will be no more nagging, whining,ect.. You are now a FREE MAN!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMA707 Posted August 22, 2009 Author Share Posted August 22, 2009 yeah. yesterday i basically told her that im not going to settle for being JUST a friend. and besides her new guy is most likely going to tell her to not talk to me anymore once they are together which will most likely be very soon. so im starting no contact now from this day out. i really do hope that we could be together somewhere in the future but i know its probably over for good. so anyways, does anyone have any tips on how to stay strong during no contact..? tips to try to make me feel better..? because ive been doing everything that everyone has said to make me feel better i.e. keeping myself busy, going out and having fun, but at the end of the day i still feel pretty horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 When you do NC you now become in control.... That saying always goes thru my mind... How can he miss me if I don't go away..... It is not easy... but the longer you do it the more you realize you don't want to contact as it will not be effective to someone that has expressed the desire to not be with you.... It was their choice to not be with you... and your choice to honor those wishes... as much as you want it.... you can't force it... so in the long run.... With NC you will really know whether this person really wants to be with you or not..... and that will only happen with NC.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JMA707 Posted August 22, 2009 Author Share Posted August 22, 2009 yeah..she said she doesnt know if she ever wants to be with me again..its just hard to not talk to someone that has been in my life for so long. we spent almost every single day together. she was my best friend not only my lover so its just kind of weird.. Link to post Share on other sites
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