is it true that men can't take criticism/constructive criticism from their SO?

[confusedcookie]

So after watching The UGLY TRUTH, i was thinking, is it true that men really can't take constructive criticism from their gf? but i thought a relationship is suppose to be honest, loving, and you look out for each other's best interest?

 

example: i was at a wedding with my bf, some old guy got drunk and started talking and he worked with my bf before on a construction site project, and he started making fun of my bf and said that all my bf did on the site was complain about how tired he was and that he couldn't lift this and couldn't do that. (my bf's parents were at the table, and the dad did not look happy lol)

 

my bf is a really big guy, he's 240 pounds, and 5'11?

 

So, during the summer, i wanted to bring him out to all the outdoorsy and summer, tourist site, (we were both had a break off from school and was not working either). I would want him to wake him couple hours earlier than what he liked. ( we went to bed at like 4am, but i wanted him to wake up at like 11am or 12pm, he would prefer to sleep till 2 or 3pm)

 

he started to complain he was really tired, and he just wanted to sleep, but my intention was that since after the summer we would be LDR, so i wanted to see and make all these memories with him, and we're having FUN! why complain about being tired, you can sleep when you're dead right?

 

so i told as gently as possible: always saying that you're tired and that you can't do this and that, gives off this negative vibe and attitude about you. remember the drunk guy at the wedding, well he was making fun of you, and people at work don't think you have positive energy. you have to think with a "can do" attitude. if i'm not tired, and i wake up and go to sleep with you at the same time, and do the same things as you, then you can't complain you're tired.

 

he said okay, fine like he understood.

 

then he all came out during our last big fight. he goes, "you think i'm useless and you think i don't have a good attitude, you don't respect me" what guy would want a gf to think of their bf like that? you think i complain too much that i'm tired, i'm that way, if you don't like it, look for a new bf, i'm done with you.

 

BUT BUT BUT... i just told him because i thought it was for the better for him, i didn't want people making fun of him. if he's tired, fine, but he doesn't have to complain and whine, especially when no one else is either. so i really can't make constructive criticism to a guy? how is he going to learn??????

 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN.... lol is there a book to help me with that???

[kizik]

Yes, it is true. We are also commitment-phobes, brutes, idiots, and we don't listen. We will cheat on you and take you for granted.

[confusedcookie]

is that sarcasm, lol *runs away and hides*

 

what happened to an open and honest relationship? so if it bothered me, i shouldn't have said anything?

[kizik]

Yeah, it's sarcasm.

 

There are no gender platitudes that are EVER 100% true.

[Trialbyfire]

Some food for thought:

1. Why were you awake until 4 a.m. if the two of you were planning to go out the next day?
   
2. Was he really having fun all the time or were you having fun?
   
3. Were you going out too often?
   

While I understand that you're trying to create some good memories, try to factor in his wants and needs.

 

I don't think this is so much about handling criticism, more about each person meeting the others' needs/wants, within reason.

[BCCA]

There are no gender platitudes that are EVER 100% true.

 

This^

 

Some PEOPLE dont take criticism well, men and women alike. Some do. But it is absolutely not true that men cant take contructive criticism.

 

Its best to make this criticism at a time when you are not upset or otherwise arguing, though. And dont back people into a corner, the last place you ever want someone is in a position where they feel attacked or have nothing to lose.

[confusedcookie]

Some food for thought:

1. Why were you awake until 4 a.m. if the two of you were planning to go out the next day?
   
2. Was he really having fun all the time or were you having fun?
   
3. Were you going out too often?
   

While I understand that you're trying to create some good memories, try to factor in his wants and needs.

 

I don't think this is so much about handling criticism, more about each person meeting the others' needs/wants, within reason.

 

ummm...

1) we were always up watching movies at his house, and such and just hanging around. i didn't think it would be an issue if we were waking up at 12pm, since you still get 8 hours of sleep right?

2) that's hard to tell because he's kinda of lazy and his fav scenario (i've asked before) is waking up leisurely (no alarm clock), staying in bed, and surf the net, and be on the computer till he's hungry, and then buying someone to eat (most preferably it's already there for him by the bedside ready to eat and he doesn't have to go get it)

 

but we've done that for the entire summer last year! lol and about 3 days of every week...

 

he looks like he has fun when we're out, but i think alot has to do with the fact that i'm having fun so he's happy that i'm happy?

 

3) i was trying to hit a tourist site about every 2 days? he would have preferred once a week, but i had a tourist pass that was going to be expired, and he was leaving soon... plus, we would leave around 1 or 2 ish after lunch, and be done by 5-6ish... so just few hours outside?

 

He's also the kind that doesn't want to try anything new, and he grumbles about it, but once you drag him out, he likes the new experience, so i'm use to the grumbling, and i guess i can't tell between the real and just normal grumbling...

 

example, he didn't like that i would want to play dress up for him... he would grumble about how he didn't like it, but i bought a nurse costume anyways, and he loved it...

 

or he didn't want to try a new ramen shop, and i would drag him to go try it and now we frequent there alot...

 

so i've gotten used to him saying no to everything, and me dragging him there... , he appreciates it afterwards, but he always grumbles about it beforehand?

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, that helps to explain things a bit better although I'm curious as to whether or not he agreed to the tourist pass previous to the purchase of it. Did you ask him what he wanted, before going out and getting it?

 

Also, it appears there's a difference in personality type. You're a get up and go/positive personality and he's more the stay at home/negative type. Is one type of person's ways better than the other, or is this just a case of incompatibility?

 

You can't change or fix anyone who doesn't want to change or be fixed.

[You'reasian]

Yes, it is true. We are also commitment-phobes, brutes, idiots, and we don't listen. We will cheat on you and take you for granted.

 

and when we are commitment-ready, concerned, sharp and attentive we get friend zoned...

[Soul Bear]

I think to an extent it is true.

But it's only ego.....deep down we all know if it's the truth.

Some will admit and fix it, or attempt to.

Others will get deffensive

[confusedcookie]

Okay, that helps to explain things a bit better although I'm curious as to whether or not he agreed to the tourist pass previous to the purchase of it. Did you ask him what he wanted, before going out and getting it?

 

Also, it appears there's a difference in personality type. You're a get up and go/positive personality and he's more the stay at home/negative type. Is one type of person's ways better than the other, or is this just a case of incompatibility?

 

You can't change or fix anyone who doesn't want to change or be fixed.

 

we didn't purchase it, you have to visit about 15 attractions in about a month's time in order have all the attractions to be free for about a year? (it's for people in the tourism industry to know their city) it's my friends, and i volunteered to do the stamping for her (one guest is complimentary) since me and him haven't been on most of the attractions, i thought it would be a good idea for like a "cheap but fun date" (we were majorly broke and i thought this would be fun) type of deal.

 

it could be incompatibility, but in all honesty, i'm pretty lazy too, and i like staying home ALOT, but sometimes i like to go out and just enjoy the summer, it rains like crazy where i'm from, so i just thought we should take advantage of the weather...

 

ANOTHER EXAMPLE:

 

another time is that his dad said that he was useless, and he was crying and was really upset... i think for him, its a case of no-approval from dad, and really yearns for his dad's approval?

 

so one time i told him that if you do everything that your dad tells you to do... the ones that you don't agree with, maybe you should tell your dad with reason to why you disagree, and maybe he'll respect you more for speaking your mind...

 

that did not go well.... lol

he blew up at me, and said that whatever his dad tells him to do is for the best for him, and even if he didn't agree with it, he should still do because it's from his dad. then he said that he thought i looked down at him, and i didn't respect him... and i thought he was useless.....

 

but how do you be in a relationship who can't take constructive criticism, it's constructive in a sense that it betters us right? of course, that is if you also agree and see the point to it...

 

i'm one of those girls that can't shut their mouth... lol, if i see something that bothers me, i'll try to keep my mouth shut, but he can tell, and he'll ask me if something is wrong... and i tell him... lol isn't it better than the snowballing effect and suddenly, BHAM, i blow up at him, and he didn't even know it bothered me in the first place? lol

[Vet]

ummm...

1) we were always up watching movies at his house, and such and just hanging around. i didn't think it would be an issue if we were waking up at 12pm, since you still get 8 hours of sleep right?

2) that's hard to tell because he's kinda of lazy and his fav scenario (i've asked before) is waking up leisurely (no alarm clock), staying in bed, and surf the net, and be on the computer till he's hungry, and then buying someone to eat (most preferably it's already there for him by the bedside ready to eat and he doesn't have to go get it)

 

but we've done that for the entire summer last year! lol and about 3 days of every week...

 

he looks like he has fun when we're out, but i think alot has to do with the fact that i'm having fun so he's happy that i'm happy?

 

3) i was trying to hit a tourist site about every 2 days? he would have preferred once a week, but i had a tourist pass that was going to be expired, and he was leaving soon... plus, we would leave around 1 or 2 ish after lunch, and be done by 5-6ish... so just few hours outside?

 

He's also the kind that doesn't want to try anything new, and he grumbles about it, but once you drag him out, he likes the new experience, so i'm use to the grumbling, and i guess i can't tell between the real and just normal grumbling...

 

example, he didn't like that i would want to play dress up for him... he would grumble about how he didn't like it, but i bought a nurse costume anyways, and he loved it...

 

or he didn't want to try a new ramen shop, and i would drag him to go try it and now we frequent there alot...

 

so i've gotten used to him saying no to everything, and me dragging him there... , he appreciates it afterwards, but he always grumbles about it beforehand?

 

Did you ever consider during this whole thing that maybe he didn't want to do a bunch of tourist stuff just because you had some pass that was expiring? None of what you're saying is really constructive criticism; admonishing him for being tired isn't going to accomplish anything, and I don't think you can extrapolate that men can't take criticism from their significant others based on this and a Hollywood movie production.

 

It sounds like you two aren't very compatible, if anything.

[kizik]

and when we are commitment-ready' date=' concerned, sharp and attentive we get friend zoned...[/quote']

 

:laugh: :laugh:

 

Love it.

[EnigmaXOXO]

my intention was that since after the summer we would be LDR, so i wanted to see and make all these memories with him, and we're having FUN! why complain about being tired, you can sleep when you're dead right?

 

Verbalizing your feelings on the issue as it relates to the two of you or your own feelings on the matter is not so bad. But then you went and took it here...

 

remember the drunk guy at the wedding, well he was making fun of you, and people at work don't think you have positive energy.

 

:eek:

 

That was a bit over the top. What some drunk guy says about your boyfriend at a wedding, or some gossips at work, is more of a reflection of your hangups than his. It’s great to communicate openly and honestly with your partner so long as he feels you’re still on his side. That’s what relationships (at least the good ones) are all about. But the minute you use hurtful gossip from outsiders as ammunition against him, you’ve essentially excommunicated him... and positioned yourself as just another one of those gossiping outsiders yourself.

 

Whatever criticisms you might have, you’ve still got to let your partner know your on his side, in spite of what anyone else thinks of him. You and him against the world, and not the other way around. If you don’t, there’s a good chance you’ll shut him down and he’ll simply distance himself from you like he has everyone else. Of course, if your natures are as dissimilar as they seem, it might be impossible for the two of you to reach a mutually satisfying middle ground.

 

admonishing him for being tired isn't going to accomplish anything, and I don't think you can extrapolate that men can't take criticism from their significant others based on this and a Hollywood movie production.

 

I agree.

[You'reasian]

:laugh: :laugh:

 

Love it.

 

Which is why most dating leads to nowhere.

 

Guys, whom are otherwise genuinely interested in LT relationships have to be in player mode to get things started (or become hermits lol).

[kizik]

Guys' date=' whom are otherwise genuinely interested in LT relationships have to be in player mode to get things started (or become hermits lol).[/quote']

 

Sh*t, I could use your advice. After a bunch of go-nowhere dates, I've retreated back into my cave.

[utterer of lies]

Is this some kind of bad talkshow where we are supposed to laugh at people?

[kizik]

Uh... yep.

 

You laugh at everyone, anyways, Senor Superior.

[utterer of lies]

Uh... yep.

 

You laugh at everyone, anyways, Senor Superior.

 

Uh... no?

[kizik]

Uh... no?

 

Are you surprised that people might view you as less than sincere, and occasionally rude? I wish you'd drop the cool-guy thing and just help people, because you have a lot of insight.

[utterer of lies]

Are you surprised that people might view you as less than sincere, and occasionally rude? I wish you'd drop the cool-guy thing and just help people, because you have a lot of insight.

 

I am very well aware that I'm rude sometimes, but I am indeed surprised that I'm viewed as 'less that sincere'.

 

And re: 'cool-guy thing' ... wtf?

 

 

But thanks for lecturing me on how to best help people. I was truly in need of such, and now my life is more complete.

[confusedcookie]

Verbalizing your feelings on the issue as it relates to the two of you or your own feelings on the matter is not so bad. But then you went and took it here...

 

 

 

:eek:

 

That was a bit over the top. What some drunk guy says about your boyfriend at a wedding, or some gossips at work, is more of a reflection of your hangups than his. It’s great to communicate openly and honestly with your partner so long as he feels you’re still on his side. That’s what relationships (at least the good ones) are all about. But the minute you use hurtful gossip from outsiders as ammunition against him, you’ve essentially excommunicated him... and positioned yourself as just another one of those gossiping outsiders yourself.

 

Whatever criticisms you might have, you’ve still got to let your partner know your on his side, in spite of what anyone else thinks of him. You and him against the world, and not the other way around. If you don’t, there’s a good chance you’ll shut him down and he’ll simply distance himself from you like he has everyone else. Of course, if your natures are as dissimilar as they seem, it might be impossible for the two of you to reach a mutually satisfying middle ground.

 

 

 

I agree.

 

Great, thanks! that does seem like some sound advice... so what happens that you do agree that your bf is lazy, unambitious, but yet you still love him... whole different matter right? so difficult...

[kizik]

I am very well aware that I'm rude sometimes

 

Great! Then please stop.

 

But thanks for lecturing me on how to best help people. I was truly in need of such, and now my life is more complete.

 

Whatever, brother. I hope you don't talk to your real life acquaintances like this.

[utterer of lies]

Great! Then please stop.

 

Why? It's more helpful than all the care-bear-cuddly understanding and me-too that most people here exude.

 

I hope you don't talk to your real life acquaintances like this.

 

I do. It's a good thing, though.

[kizik]

Why? It's more helpful than all the care-bear-cuddly understanding and me-too that most people here exude.

 

Actually, you don't need to be rude in order to counter the sugar-coating self-pity parties that go on here. You can say things frankly and directly without being insulting and condescending.