2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 After establishing that infidelity is often the result of a WS seeking validation. I have to admit that at times I feel my H requires more validation than I have offered... And that at times, I feel neglected and hate to admit that I feel the need for some of that myself. Some types of validation are sexual, professional, as a parent, etc... What I want to know and have zero experience with: In a healthy marriage, one without infidelity...how does one make their spouse feel validated???
GorillaTheater Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Right now my issue is validation in the sense of appreciation, as a father, husband and "bread-winner". I'm in a little danger of feeling like someone who needs to be tolerated for the sake of his wallet. But what I realize is that I don't know precisely what kind of validation my wife needs. That will be a topic of conversation tonight, too.
Author 2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 I would like my H to ask for opinion on something. Anything.
Author 2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Well, certainly cheating seems to be the more popular source.
GorillaTheater Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I would like my H to ask for opinion on something. Anything. You know I have to ask: have you talked about this with your H? If so, why do you think he's still not doing his part here? And as far as affairs being the more popular choice, I guess the fact that f*cking is alot more fun than talking about difficult issues may have something to do with it.
Phateless Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 After establishing that infidelity is often the result of a WS seeking validation. I have to admit that at times I feel my H requires more validation than I have offered... And that at times, I feel neglected and hate to admit that I feel the need for some of that myself. Some types of validation are sexual, professional, as a parent, etc... What I want to know and have zero experience with: In a healthy marriage, one without infidelity...how does one make their spouse feel validated??? Great thread! I think so much outlandish behavior all traces back to seeking validation.
Thaddeus Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 In a healthy marriage, one without infidelity...how does one make their spouse feel validated???For men (generally speaking, though there are exceptions), sex = validation. It says, "I love you, respect you, want you, you're important to me." My sense is that women seek validation through romantic gestures (cards, flowers, chocolate, gentle whispers in her ear, that sort of thing).
Author 2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 And as far as affairs being the more popular choice, I guess the fact that f*cking is alot more fun than talking about difficult issues may have something to do with it. Agreed. However I would note that if we were having sex more frequently I think I would not be so concerned he find my opinions important.
Author 2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Sigh. All in all, anyway I look at it....I think I prefer sex to communication. Or something.
GorillaTheater Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 For men (generally speaking, though there are exceptions), sex = validation. It says, "I love you, respect you, want you, you're important to me." I don't dispute that, but even when the sex is good it's nice to hear words along the lines of "you know, I really appreciate every thing you do for us, and the fact that you're such a great dad". I just need to remember that my actions should justify words like that.
Author 2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Ok, yes...see thats it. For men (and apparently me)..sex = validation. After a few years of marriage, add kids, mortgages, juggling jobs , conflicting schedules, exhaustion, etc....a lot of times there is less sex. So, is the only answer more sex?? I cannot believe every one but me who is happily married is just having more sex.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Right now my issue is validation in the sense of appreciation, That was going to be my answer... though I can't answer from the point of a M without betrayal. I think that this is true for most everyone. GT's is appreciation for his supporting his family. For some it could be appreciation of their looks, their intelligence, their service, their sacrifice.... ect. The problem comes with how to show appreciation. I appreciate all that my H does to support as well as care for us from a business stand point. I appreciate it more than he will ever know. So, how do you show that??? He comes home last night, and someone has turned on every light in the house, someone has the AC on 68... and he's frustrated.... I tried to console, make my appreciation known... and what happens... he comes back in 2 hours later and says that someone left the oven on. Well if someone hadn't been bothered by the fact that you were upset, they might have remember to turn the oven off! Sometimes I think its just hard to show appreciation in a meaningful way. That's what I like so much about the love languages series. It makes some attempt to explain the need for validation in a personal meaningful way.
Thaddeus Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I don't dispute that, but even when the sex is good it's nice to hear words along the lines of "you know, I really appreciate every thing you do for us, and the fact that you're such a great dad". I just need to remember that my actions should justify words like that.This is spot-on. I suppose my answer (sex = validation) was a tad simplistic. It was very, very comforting to hear those words from wife #1. That, and the sex was frequent, vigorous, and fantastic..!
fooled once Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Hmmm.... validated isn't a word I normally would use about me and my H. We make sure we show appreciation to each other. I thank him for taking the garbage out, helping me get something done, etc. He does the same for me. I think it is more a respect thing for us. I respect him, his views, his way of doing things and he tries to respect mine I do make sure he never feels taken for granted; or like I just "expect" him to do stuff without letting him know I appreciate it.
Author 2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 That's what I like so much about the love languages series. It makes some attempt to explain the need for validation in a personal meaningful way. I'm going to buy this tonight. I have to do something. For all of my advice...I have to admit that I have more experience as an OW than as a wife. My H gets a lot of validation in the form of supporters, professional as well as public recognition, etc. I know what I think of him personally is important to him....I am proud of him...but sometimes I feel like all we do is talk about his career. I imagine that if he had a 9-5 job that he left at the office...we would have to talk about other things.
fooled once Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Define "more sex". We are in our late 40's/early 50's (he is 9 years older than me) and we have sex 2-3 times a week. We know eventually one or both of us will not be able to have sex due to whatever medical issues we may have. We thankfully DO communicate a lot; it is just the two of us at home and we both recently made a rule --- if one of us thinks the other is on their computer/laptop too much and feels negelected, we ask the other to put it away for a bit. We also take time to talk about our days when we get home from work and cook dinner. Underneath our love is a deep friendship. My H is the person I turn to first before anyone if I am happy, sad, angry, hurt....whatever. What about you 2sure? Do you have that in your marriage?
Author 2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Yes, we do ..in that I know I am the most valuable person in his life to him, I am his best friend. As to his career...I can honestly say that if he were alone, unmarried....he would have taken a job that didnt require he shower. He cheated on me early in our marriage and since then...have transparency regarding computers, phones, and time. And no - we do not have sex several times a week. We often are not in the same house several nights a week. We both agree we want/need more sex . From each other! That aside, I do feel I at least - am lacking some skill . I mean, its so as easy as an OW to tell a guy : you look great, only you could have figured that out, every dad should be like you.... But when you're married...its hard to mix those things in between telling him I screwed up my visa, the dog **** in his closet, and he forgot MY car at the lot.
boldjack Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 There are 3 dynamics to a marriage or LTR. Validation, which must come from one's self, Communication, which has to do with the day to day workings of any relationship. Appreciation, which comes from your partner and only has to do with the two of you as a loving couple. Infidelity usually results from a prolonged absence or under utilization of the 3rd dynamic, appreciation. IMHO.
redtail Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 etc... In a healthy marriage, one without infidelity...how does one make their spouse feel validated??? 2Sure, you must be too close to the issue to see the answer, because if someone else were asking this question, your response would no doubt be the most insightful. By "healthy marriage", the criteria being one that has not experienced infidelity, I assume you feel that your marriage is healthy too even though there was infidelity? I lost my first marriage due to my wife's infidelity, I applaud you for being able to make it work, that's rare. So in that, you two have overcome a challenge that most couples are never tested with. That in itself proves that you two solve problems where the solution has you two together. It seems to me, that communication is key here, communicate to your husband as only you can. Best of luck to you.
NoIDidn't Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Hmmm.... validated isn't a word I normally would use about me and my H. We make sure we show appreciation to each other. I thank him for taking the garbage out, helping me get something done, etc. He does the same for me. I think it is more a respect thing for us. I respect him, his views, his way of doing things and he tries to respect mine I do make sure he never feels taken for granted; or like I just "expect" him to do stuff without letting him know I appreciate it. I still think that validation has a place in marriage. I'll explain more below. There are 3 dynamics to a marriage or LTR. Validation, which must come from one's self, Communication, which has to do with the day to day workings of any relationship. Appreciation, which comes from your partner and only has to do with the two of you as a loving couple. Infidelity usually results from a prolonged absence or under utilization of the 3rd dynamic, appreciation. IMHO. I agree and disagree. I think that validation also comes from partners in the marriage as well. I do believe the appreciate part is usually given most often for infidelity, but I don't think its the only one. Validation plays a huge part. Validation for me as a woman, is being treated like one. Having my body appreciated for its feminine qualities, validates me as a woman. When my marriage goes through periods of low or no sex, I don't get this validation from my H. Its a very vulnerable time, but thank goodness I feel comfortable enough talking to my H about it. I think both men and women feel validated by sex with their partners. Appreciation is still a biggie, though, and that's why I still agree with you. I am more than my housekeeping, cooking, and parenting skills. While I like to hear that I am good at those things (except housekeeping!!!), I like the validation of hearing that my life is worth more to him than just that. I guess I see appreciation and validation going hand in hand, in some way. (sorry for rambling)
angie2443 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 For men (generally speaking, though there are exceptions), sex = validation. It says, "I love you, respect you, want you, you're important to me." My sense is that women seek validation through romantic gestures (cards, flowers, chocolate, gentle whispers in her ear, that sort of thing). Funny, I've been with plenty men whom I did not love and did not think of as important. Sex is an easy thing to fake. As for the romantic gestures- I like them. They do not validate me. Being thanked for what I do and have a person notice the positive things about me validates me.
Spark1111 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 2sure, I think it is honest compliments that we pay so often when we enter a new relationship. We don't hesitate to say, "I am amazed you knew that!" or, "I am so impressed by how you handled that situation." Or gee, you really are SO (fill in the blank) kind, considerate, hard-working, great in bed, strong, smart, resourceful......and so on. In a long term relationship, we ASSUME the other person knows how highly we value them because we committed to them, and yes, grow complacent in validating their best qualities and efforts because, well...it almost seems silly. Especially when we need to talk about bills, car repairs, etc. But it is not. Happily married people work daily to share three key emotions: Gratitude, Fondness and Appreciation. They do it with enthusiasm. Every day. And thank you male posters for validating (LOL) everything I've read: Sex, enthusiastically, as often as humanely possible, tells a man faster than anything, "I love and desire you, us, above all else." Initiate often and with gusto for him.
Devil Inside Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 That aside, I do feel I at least - am lacking some skill . I mean, its so as easy as an OW to tell a guy : you look great, only you could have figured that out, every dad should be like you.... But when you're married...its hard to mix those things in between telling him I screwed up my visa, the dog **** in his closet, and he forgot MY car at the lot. How about telling him those things before you tell him the others. The first five minutes of interaction after work are vital times. Try to give him those five minutes and it might change the tone of the night. I understand what you mean about how much easier it is with APs. It is easy to just give compliments when you don't share responsibility with a person.
Devil Inside Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I also agree...that for many...sex is validation...especially men. Not just sex...but really good sex. It's more the "I desire you sexually" vibe then the actual act that validates.
boldjack Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 NID, I still think that Validation is primarily self-expressed, but there is always some overlapping. Afterall, How can one partner SHOW appreciation, without communication?
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