Ex in LDR... Strange?

[JimmyB26]

Okay, I was with a girl for about 6 months, and she fell in love with me. I was in the process of getting divorced and couldn't be there for her completely, and she split.

 

She met a guy in another city 1000+ miles away on vacation and subsequently started a LDR with him. They see each other every few weeks.

 

She stays in touch with me when he's not around. She's been out with me for her birthday, accepted the bday gift (concert tickets I'd gotten while we were together), and took me. The boyfriend knows, and is okay with this.

 

The boyfriend also knows and is ok with a platonic heterosexual friend she used to see who sometimes sleeps over in her bed. This isn't me, but she told me about this.

 

I've pulled away, started seeing other women, which makes her insanely jealous, and I've told her that eventually women will not understand an unnecessary friendship with an exgirlfriend when whoever I'm seeing will be in the same city as me and I could be seeing my new girlfriend. But she has deep-seated attachment to me, and begs me not to leave her life, telling me how much I mean to her and all that.

 

She even recently offered to be my date to a wedding we'd have to travel to and stay in a hotel room together for.

 

She said that she tells the boyfriend that he can't be jealous of other guys and what she does when they're apart.

 

Is it just me and my friends who all of this seems strange to? Or does anyone on here agree that this relationship that she's in isn't a typical LDR and the guy should not be tolerating a lot of this behavior?

 

I've theorized that the guy is either batting so far out of his league that he feels he needs to roll over in order to keep her happy and with him, or he's incredibly naive.

 

I realize I'm asking for selfish reasons and to discern how over me she really is - it might have subconsciously played into the forming of this LDR over a local relationship in order to give it real potential as a failed rebound. But I'd like insight either way. Thanks.

 

Also - has anyone ever been in this type of situation in any of the roles? If so, what happened?

[Thornton]

She isn't over you, or else she wouldn't be jealous. She probably wants to maintain your friendship with the hope of getting back together. Her LDR guy is clearly a doormat if he doesn't have a problem with another guy sleeping in her bed with her, and he should not tolerate her behaviour... but that's his problem, not yours. If you genuinely don't want this girl, NC would be the kindest thing to do.

[JimmyB26]

Thornton, I appreciate your take.

 

I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who thinks that she's being completely inappropriate even ACCEPTING a birthday gift from me let alone taking me to the concert and telling me it was the best one she got. Or spending time alone with me for hours at a time. Or offering to join me at a distant wedding, even if the boyfriend knows about any of this. But I was most floored that her friend sleeps in her bed at times with her.

 

So if she's asking about all my dates and what happens with these other women, and I mean intimate details of whether I score or not, and responds by trying to pull me back, touching me when she talks, taking pictures with me at the concert, talking about things we'd get around to doing together... she's clearly not over me. Now I'd love nothing more than to get her back...

 

But I'm told that her keeping me around as a friend like you say is not going to lead to anything - that she just wants my time and attention focused on her rather than anyone else, and that she'll never have that attraction again. Yet sometimes I feel like she's never lost it in the first place and is slowly rediscovering me.

 

Any other thoughts?

[Thornton]

Hmm... it sounds like she broke up with you because she wasn't getting what she needed from you while you were going through your divorce, not because she didn't love you. Irreconcilable breakups are where one person no longer loves the other - if she still loves you, as her interest in you suggests she might, then there might be a chance of reconciliation.

 

If she supposedly has an LDR bf and still lets another guy sleep in her bed, plus she's also spending a lot of time with you, then she probably isn't very committed to this LDR guy. Her jealousy over you dating speaks volumes. If you genuinely want her back then I'd say your best bet would be to stop playing games and just talk to her about the situation - tell her you want to know if there's a chance for a reconciliation, assuming you correct the problems that were in the relationship while you were going through a divorce. You'd have to demonstrate that you've changed and you are now able to offer her what you couldn't give her before.

 

Perhaps she thinks that you no longer want to be with her, and assumes that you don't want to get back together, because you're pulling away from her and dating other women? I find it's always best to be clear about your intentions - if you want her, say so; if you don't want her, avoid her. If things don't work out, at least you can say with certainty that she knew what you wanted and she declined to be with you.

[JimmyB26]

Honestly, we've been through all that.

 

Thornton, I've got to say that this is a refreshing take, because all the folks on the Second Chances forum are all doom & gloom.

 

She went to visit him a few weeks back, after pushing me away. In early June I wrote her a letter - before they were an official couple - in which I laid it all out, exactly how I felt. We talked, and I read a second one over the phone. In the weeks after, she kept on asking for the second one. Finally, one day when we were together, I asked her why she would want the second one when she was already with another guy and wouldn't it complicate things.

 

She said that she read the first one over and over and felt such raw emotion and passion that she felt if she had the second one, something would shift for her. I sent it out, and it totally DID shift something for her. But as the next visit to the boyfriend approached, she had to avoid me again because it had complicated things for her. She pushed me away again.

 

I knew that that had to be it for me, I wasn't going to take the role of an emotional surrogate. She knew I was seeing someone else while she was away, so when she got back, she demanded details on who I'd seen. For four days I was ambivalent. I responded to her communication, but on my terms. I focused on my life. And finally, she couldn't take it, and demanded to know why I was avoiding her.

 

We sat down a couple days later and I told her that I was moving on, and this is what it looked like. That I was going to see other women, and eventually a woman would not understand an intimate friendship with a younger exgirlfriend I was sleeping with while still married. She refused to accept this and begged me to stay in her life, which I eventually agreed to do. We're not exactly friends but we're definitely not together. I'm like on a backburner.

 

I took her out for the birthday and showed her an amazing time, and then again, reiterated that I'd been out on a lot of dates and already felt dishonest about maintaining such an intimate friendship. Again she begged.

 

Then earlier this week was her birthday gift - the concert, her favorite musician. I was ON that night, totally showed her what she gave up on. Total prince. And she told me it was her favorite gift that year. And the real stroke of brilliance - she will forever associate her favorite musician with ME, whenever she hears the music.

 

I decided to end things with that perfect night and just seem as if I'm drifting away, towards other women, especially knowing the boyfriend is back this weekend. She's only contacted me once, last night, after three days, when she knew I was out with another woman, to tell me that she was passing by my favorite dive bar and couldn't help but think of me. I didn't respond, not while the boyfriend is around.

 

I feel as though I just have to ride this relationship out. She's significantly younger, she deserves to explore a little, and I've made one hell of an impression on her. I'm the only ex she'd reconsider - she told me as much. She thought we'd be engaged in a couple years if she stayed with me and she just wasn't ready, but she knows how it was different and I believe this is why she wants to keep me around.

[Thornton]

I dunno, it's difficult to say what's happening just based on a few words on a discussion forum. From what you've said it sounds to me like she is still interested but feels like she can't trust you after what happened before. I have to admit I feel the same about my ex - we're still friends, I'm still crazy about him - but I have a new bf because he's stable and loving whereas my ex has already hurt me once and I don't really trust him not to do it again. If my ex were to tell me he still loved me and wanted me back, no matter what feelings I have for him I'd still be sceptical about whether he meant it, or whether he'd be a better bf this time around than he was before - I'd want him but I'd struggle to trust him given our history. It would really take something special on his part to convince me that he had changed and wouldn't hurt me again.

 

One thing that sounds pretty clear from what you said is that she isn't really into this LDR guy and he's a band-aid bf who is helping her to get over you. This works in your favour if you want her back, because it doesn't sound like she's in love with anyone else. If you want her back, you'll really have to convince her that you love her and that things will be different this time around.

 

Most people will tell you that you shouldn't grovel, or beg, or pursue someone who obviously isn't interested. I take a different viewpoint - if you don't do everything you can to win a person back then you'll always wonder if things could have been different if only you'd tried harder. If you've done everything within your power and the person still doesn't want you, at least you know there's nothing more you could have done and it was out of your hands. I'm not advocating self-abasement or humiliation, or being a doormat, but I think people should at least make sure their significant other knows their feelings and has full awareness of the facts, and they should do whatever they can to fix things before giving up - then if it doesn't work at least you have peace of mind that you tried your best.

 

You've laid everything out for this girl and she still hasn't come back to you. If you think you've tried everything you can, then you need to back off - remaining friends with her doesn't give her a chance to miss you. Make it clear to her that you want her back, you want to try again, do whatever you can to emphasise that - and then tell her it's all or nothing, you want to be with her but you're not willing to settle for a half-hearted friendship because it hurts you too much to see her when you can't have her - she either wants you or she doesn't, and make it clear that she already knows how you feel so it's her decision from this point onwards. At present she's having her cake and eating it; you need to force her into a decision about whether she wants you or not. Either way you'll know where you stand.

[JimmyB26]

If I completely retreat, her knowing how I feel, even if she knows that with us not in each other's lives it MIGHT fade, should I expect her to come back after me as soon as her new "relationship" peeters out and dies?

 

Is this distrust something that women typically never get over, or is it just until the first patch of grass on the other side turns out not to be greener that they're willing to reconsider someone who they're still in love with? Or would the parting of ways between us just hurt her that much more that she'd REALLY never be able to trust me?

[Thornton]

I can only speak from experience. Even if my new relationship petered out, I wouldn't pursue my ex, because so far he hasn't done anything to convince me he's changed, or that things would be different second time around. I still love him, but I distrust him, and I'm not going to suddenly give him that trust back just because my new relationship is over - if he wants it, he has to earn it. The fact that he's still my friend but hasn't made an effort to show me he's changed and wants me back points to one of two things; either a)He doesn't really want me back (or else he would have explicitly told me that and professed his love), or b) He hasn't changed (so he's not prepared to put in much effort).

 

If you want this girl back, you have to make it clear that's what you want, and she has to say either yes or no. To get a yes answer, you'll probably have to do a lot of work to show her you've changed (if in fact you have) and that things will be better (if in fact they will). If she still says no, at least you have peace of mind that you tried your best.

[JimmyB26]

I totally think I've proven it. I mean, I basically told her that though I never said it at the time, I've since indicated that there was a moment on one of our first dates that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I've poured my heart out in letters, told her my dreams for the future, that she's the brightest part of them. She responds by telling me how amazing I am.

 

She knows the passion that she's stirred in me, much more powerfully than my ex-wife ever did. She responds to it, but whenever a trip to the new boyfriend draws near, she has had to push me away again. I see her eyeing me sometimes, as I'm leaving, from her car, or from her front door, with this twinkle in her eyes and this small smile, a soulful stare, and I can tell that there's something there that's burning, something about me that's fascinating and still drawing her in, making her feel that magic. But she won't act on it.

 

I know she's jealous of me dating, and at the concert she was trying to draw me in. It's been a little difficult to read because the LDR bf visits have been back-to-back these two weekends, it just worked out that way. So she hasn't really had an opportunity to communicate with me much with him not around. But I feel like the next time she feels me pulling away and tries to draw me back in, I need to just simply tell her, "You know how I feel about you. Give me a real reason to stay, and I'll consider sticking around."

[Thornton]

Ok, well if you think you've done all you can and you can do no more, then you have to leave it knowing that you did your best. She's having her cake an eating it; she has this other guy and she's still stringing you along too. It's like she doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. I'd be inclined to give it one last effort, and tell her that it's all or nothing, you're either in a relationship or everything is over between you, including your friendship.

[JimmyB26]

Hey,

 

Thanks for all your advice.

 

After that last concert, I heard from her again the following morning, and that was it. I went stone cold NC. I started dating. Every few days, she'd text, or call - it got to the point where she was actually leaving me a voicemail serenading me with one of our favorite songs. The last thing she tried, after 23 days of me not responding at all, was to send me a card, enclosing pictures, telling me how much she appreciated me, how unique and wonderful a man I was, how much I've taught her, and hoped that we have many many years together. She signed it "Love Always". My male friend read it one night and said that if his girlfriend ever wrote that to an ex it would be over in a heartbeat.

 

Anyway, I thanked her for the card, and then sent one of my own in response. I told her that while I appreciate how uniquely and significantly I contribute to her happiness, I need to focus on my own, and we can both deal with some time, space, perspective, and distance.

 

I said that if she has any interest in a committed, adult, mature relationship with me in the future, she needs to let me go now. But when she's ready, she can get in touch, and I'll be as open to considering the possibility as my status allows me to be. I said that until that time, memories would have to be enough, and that ultimately I'd be happy for her if she found her happiness with someone else. Then I wished her the best in life and that was it.

 

I sent it out on Tuesday and she got it some point during the week, though I saw her around on Tuesday and we got into a text convo each day for the next three days. She got the card some time over the weekend (we only live less than 2 miles apart), and finally yesterday, she saw me from her car, and I nodded because I was on the phone.

 

She drove past but sent me a text a minute later saying, "Look at you texting and walking simultaneously! Nice! :-) and you're not even tripping over yourself! Man, I miss you!"

 

I'm taking this to be at once a test of my resolve, and at the same time, jealousy and curiosity over my phone conversation and some genuine longing on her part. I didn't respond, since she already knows the terms I set.