Waiting for your Soulmate and Proving Her Worth

[Michael Corleone]

Eight months ago, a mutual friend of a friend of mine began chatting online, with nothing more than platonic intentions. Her name is Jessica. We are located on different coasts. Our friendship began to blossom naturally, because it turned out we have much in common, have very similar personalities and temperaments, and senses of humor. From that point, I'm not sure where our feelings transformed from purely platonic to romantic. Once I consciously realized I was starting to fall for her, I made my feelings known to her. While she acknowledged that she was also falling for me, she explained to me that she wasn't ready to move forward with anything official, because she had an ex-boyfriend from years past who wanted to marry her, and that she couldn't move forward with him still waiting for her, and that she couldn't find it within herself to simply cut him off. Nevertheless, our "relationship" progressed, even though she could not commit to anything. We chatted on the phone for hours, sometimes 3 or 4 hours, nearly every night. She's come to visit me a handful of times, staying for weeks at a time. We traveled on vacation together to Asia this past summer. We've been physical. I've come to understand who she is, what makes her tick, and her taste in the finer aspects of life. For Valentine's day and her birthday, I put together very elaborate gifts, compiled after very much thought, that while somewhat expensive, had their true value in how personal they were to her tastes, and that she truly loved. In spite of all this, she has yet to fully reciprocate my actions, although she has admitted she has the same feelings for me. She holds herself back, because she says she doesn't want to disappoint me, and also, because she feels she hurts her ex-boyfriend by fully acting on her feelings.

 

I truly believe that Jessica is my soulmate. Simply having her in my life gives me greater confidence and empowers me to pursue my own goals, and I think about how great things could be if she were to fully commit to me. No one in my life has ever made me feel this way. I love doings things that make her happy, and simply doing those things in themselves makes me happy. I feel that we could spend time together doing anything, or simply nothing at all, and it makes me happy. Plain and simple, it is her essence that makes my heart flutter for her.

 

However, her ex-boyfriend isn't the only thing holding her back. Her mother for some reason absolutely loathes me. A single mother, she has issues with men, and is very overprotective of her daughter. On top of that, she fully endorses the ex-boyfriend (whom she used to hate as well). Her criticisms of me are not purely irrational, the result of reaching for reasons to dislike me. The other issue is that Jessica is currently trying to figure out her long-term career goals. While she has a steady paying job with a large corporation, she does not see herself at this job long-term. She is looking at perhaps relocating to my city for either graduate school or a different job.

 

Further elaborating on her ex-boyfriend, he is not someone that she gets along with. She has a natural curiosity and appreciation for much that the world has to offer, and he is a much more simple person who does not do much to improve himself. Personality wise, she has told me that they are not very compatible, and that they don't sure many interests at all. She tells me that what keeps her is his loyalty and the fact that he tries extremely hard to win her over, and that she has known him for six years. (I appreciate that for someone who grew up with a single-mother, undying loyalty, albeit from someone who does not offer much else, could be an attractive mate.) In short, he seems like a "safety net," although she does still care for him as someone she was once close to.

 

A few weeks ago, all the pressure from Jessica's mother, pushing her to settle with her ex-boyfriend, pressure from the ex-boyfriend himself, and keeping me in her life, came to a head. She told me and her ex-boyfriend that she needs to be single while she figure out what she wants in a relationship and in her career. While I was very upset, I understand that she needs some time to herself. She is currently torn between being with someone she knows she has a rare chemistry with (me) and breaking ties with someone she has known so long and shown undying loyalty, although, only by virtue of the time that has passed (the ex-boyfriend), as well possibly being with someone that her mother disapproves of. She has already told me that she likes me, that I'm someone she could love forever, that there is nothing she dislikes about me, and that I do many many things better than her ex-boyfriend, and that he does not have much to offer her. In spite of that, however, the other pressures of her life from her ex-boyfriend and her mother, primarily, and her career uncertainty, secondarily, compel her to not be in a relationship right now.

 

I have already committed to waiting for Jessica, hoping she finds more certainty in her career goals and hoping that she will eventually find the strength within herself to commit to the person she loves (me), in spite of her feeling of obligation to a past boyfriend and the rather superficial opinions of her mother. I want nothing more than for her to pursue all of her hopes and dreams, follow her career aspirations, and make the most of who she is. I have felt for a long time now that another thing that holds her back is her inability to fully respect and appreciate herself. She told me a few nights ago that I just needed time to move on and that there are many other girls in the world who can appreciate me and give me what she gives me. I think she is in denial of her true worth to me. Even after I explained to her that no one else in the world empowers me, providing an inspiration and energy that pervades all aspects of my life, the way she does, she tried to fight me on the point by saying that even if she is out of my life, that inspiration is something I can still hold on to. Not true. I believe she has never had someone in her life that appreciates her for who she is, so she pushes the idea out of her head so that she will not be disappointed. I believe that she in general does not allow herself to believe that good things can happen to her, perhaps because she has experienced much disappointment in her life, so that she can avoid such disappointment.

 

The questions that I pose at this point are two:

 

(1) How do I go about giving Jessica the space to sort out her own issues, yet at the same time remain a part of her life to remind her that I'm still around, that she is important to me, that she is still an important part of my life even though she cannot give me all that I want now? I want to continue to be in her present, and not a part of her past. My hope is that eventually we will be together, but the question is, what role do I play in the interim?

 

(2) For someone who does not appreciate themselves, what kinds of things can I do to convince Jessica that she is an integral part of my life, that she is the cause of so much of my confidence, inspiration, and motivation to better myself as a person? I have always been one to constantly improve myself, but having Jessica in my life is like an extra gear that pushes me even more, to improve myself to an even greater degree, so that I can one day give all of myself to her.

 

Thanks for any responses.

[Ronni_W]

1. You have no role to play. Her issues are for her to sort out, on her own and by herself (perhaps with help of professionals.) For her, it's about whether you are important to her and an important part of her life.

She can figure that out without you hovering about...and you trying to grab some "space" due to your own fears, anxieties and trying to get your own needs met is likely going to be a turn-off and/or source of frustration for her.

 

2. Maybe it's also your neediness and making her responsible for "so much of [your] confidence, inspiration, and motivation to better [yourself] as a person" that has been exhausting and depleting her, and from which she needs a break?

You are responsible for all of that stuff, on your own and by yourself (perhaps with help of professionals.) To dump it on a peer/partner is under-responsible and childlike.

 

You'd be as wise to spend this time learning to find your own motivation and "higher gears", and taking charge of your own self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence.

[carhill]

He's not really an -ex.

 

She's very good, better than the ones who've fooled me.

 

Best thing to remember is that, no matter what her words, her actions speak to her perspective. They never lie. Personally, I wouldn't wait around for her perspective to change.

 

IMO, there are lots of potentials who can inspire you. Find a simpler one.