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What are dumpers feeling?


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Posted

Just wondering if there are stages that dumpers go through after they've broken up with you.

 

My ex and I are still in contact because we are sorting out stuff from the old apartment. She is very slow in getting back to my emails/calls. My emails and calls are not the begging/pleading/crying type.

 

Also, when I've suggested meeting to discuss things (ok, I admitted to her that "part of me just wants to see you"), she has been hesitant.

 

Obviously, if I got a call or message from HER, I would respond right away, because I still love her so much and would jump at the chance to speak to her or see her.

 

How, after five years together, can she be pulling away so soon? What is she thinking/feeling?

Posted

Ok this may sound harsh but...

 

1. They are feeling relief. Yes RELIEF. If you're male and she's broken up with you, most likely she had been pulling away for a long time before actually pulling the trigger.

2. Her hesitancy to meet up with you is because in her mind, it's over for good. She doesn't want to be told she is making a mistake or hear any begging or pleading (even if you don't plan on doing it).

 

Box her stuff up and arrange for friends to pick it up. Do your best to stay NC with her and move on with your life. Five years is a long time. If she has made a decision to go in another direction then the only thing you can really do is accept it.

 

Sorry. That's just life. We don't always get what we want and must accept the situations we have no control over.

  • Author
Posted

Yes. I've accepted that it's over (of course, I wish we could be friends, or try again years down the road). We have each moved out (but there are still belongings left to deal with...and mail).

 

But I didn't cheat or do anything to anger her, so I'm just wondering why it would be so hard for her to be prompt in her responses. When you know that you've hurt someone so badly, why can't you at least be respectful as you sort of the final pieces of your life together?

 

Yes Cali, she was pulling away before she broke up with me. You are probably right about the relief. Could we still be friends sometime down the road? It's just so hard to imagine that they are feeling anything other than the intense pain that you are.

Posted

i'm sorry youre going thru this but under Cali guy's name there are good points on NC and second chances. You must pace yourself,when she calls you take a day or two to respond,dumpers know when youre waiting by the phone whenever they need you, I made that mistake and not so perfect about it. hope that helps

Posted

I once dumped my ex who I used to live with. I admit I was slow to respond to his emails and calls because I wanted to convey a lack of disinterest and make sure he had no illusions about us getting back together, and also because seeing him made me feel kind of uncomfortable, because I knew he was looking at me with longing and it creeped me out. He didn't actually say he wanted me back, didn't beg or plead, but he would make subtle hints (like when you said to your gf "Part of me just wants to see you") and it made me feel uncomfortable because I knew what he was thinking even though he wasn't saying it. It was kind of like the creepy feeling you get when you're around some guy who you know has a crush on you but who you aren't interested in. Imo her reluctance to contact you is a very clear sign that in her mind the relationship is over.

  • Author
Posted

You're right Thornton, although you have confirmed by worst fears. How can you find someone creepy so soon after you've broken up with them. It was five years!

 

I know that the relationship is over. She does not need to make it any more clear.

Posted

Soheartbroken,

You will find someone else,really,guys normally do in two shakes of a lamb's tail there is a girl out there who'll be so happy that you broke up with your ex,and would never let you go,but remember,don't dog her out,don't mean to generalize but i've known personally some men who dog a girl out after they've been burned. Meaning treat the new girl like an unwanted stepchild

Posted

Typically, in the months leading up to the break up, the person will spend a lot of time figuring out if the decision to break up is the right one. She (or he) will figure out if the problems are irreparable. If so, then she will begin the very long and gradual process of extricating you from her life, emotionally speaking. All the things you find special or wonderful about the relationship are things she's saying "goodbye" to and putting in a different place. From the dumpee's point of view, you might notice some small bumps or problems, but you won't register it as "This person is emotionally detaching herself from me." Just that things don't seem to sit well. In hindsight, there are tons of red flags.

 

And when it actually happens, she is probably just relieved to not have you in her life. She may miss some things or worry about you, but that is about it. Personally, I rarely think about a girl I broke up with after the relationship is over.

 

This is all very hurtful and cruel, but the horrible reality is that is just a painful fact of life. I've learned to "soften the blow" to a girl by giving her some signs that things aren't going well for me (about a month before things end), but there are no nice ways to soften the blow. Sometimes relationships just fail to work out.

 

From the dumpee's point of view, this, of course, is a living hell. The person you love broke your heart, and the emotional wound is very open and painful. In serious long-term relationships, break ups like this make you feel like your life has fallen apart.

 

Anyways, as CaliGuy pointed out, the only thing you can do is go NC and move on with your life. In my personal experience, I've never "gotten over" a break up, but I've learned to grow with the pain. Eventually it becomes a small part of my life, and I move on, but it's always there. It's a tough experience because I (and probably you too) can never revisit that person because it's closely tied to dealing with that pain and, in a sense, confronting your limitations.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the input.

 

Hmmm. After five years I hope she thinks about me once in awhile!

 

Science guy: yes, lots of red flags. Definitely pulled herself away. No doubt about it.

 

I've gone NC. Today was day 1. However, I do hope to speak to her again. Just not until I'm over her. And I suppose once I'm over her I should not care if we speak again...but it was a long relationship, and it ended on decent terms (no cheating, abuse, etc. Just incompatibility), and I still think very highly of her. And one day I will want to know how she's doing. I think she would make a good friend. But that's way, waaaaay off into the future, and I shouldn't be concentrating on that now.

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted

Men have it tougher in this area since women are complex. There are numerous reasons why ppl don't get back to emails/texts/etc. Could be anything from she is truly busy to she is not interested.

 

Sometimes, women get fed up with the way the relationship is going because they have been unhappy for so long. By the time they break up with you, they are emotionally done.

 

Next time you see her, ask what soured the relationship. Then go with the flow from there.

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