broken_promises Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 It has been just about 2 months since the breakup. I know I'm not ready to date, but I wanted to see sort of how I felt about putting a profile on a dating site. When I was online dating before (how I met my now-ex) I was in a very upbeat mode about meeting different people, not being serious about dating, just wanting to have fun with it, etc. Getting into a serious relationship was not something I even wanted at the time but my ex was so persistent and he really talked a lot about "building a life together" and so I believed him. Today, I am wiser and I have been reading a lot and my ex was a commitment phobe. Now that I know the signs (his relationship history with backtoback relationships lasting usually between 1-2 years, his big talk of promises only to panic when things actually got to the moving in stage, and lots of other signs) I am completely disillusioned. So, when I was checking out dating matches, every person's profile I looked at was like a million glaring red flags staring back at me that had to with my exes. Work for yourself in a computer or software field? Red flag. Needing to have someone draw you out and give you a social life? Red flag. Finally feeling free and getting back into playing an instrument in a band? Red flag. And I could go on and on. I don't know... I guess I'm just still so furious about feeling duped by my ex. As I said, I know I'm not ready to date... but I don't know if I will ever be ready because everyone seems so deeply flawed to me at this point. I think really what this post is about is how the hell do you trust dating again after being burned in different ways now in three serious relationships? Up until now, I have notoriously ignored many red flags and gut feelings... and now I'm afraid that I am going to see them everywhere because I don't ever want to get into another long-term but short-term relationship (3-6 years) again. I either want it short and fun and non-serious or for the rest of my life.
Ronni_W Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I guess I'm just still so furious about feeling duped by my ex. ... I have notoriously ignored many red flags and gut feelings... and now I'm afraid that I am going to see them everywhere BP, Just a thought -- how well are you trusting YOUR OWN intuition and ability to accurately assess things, these days? Maybe it would be just as worthwhile to work it from that angle, instead of exclusively on how to trust the "externals"? There would also be info for you if you can uncover the 'why' you allowed yourself to 'override' your own gut feelings in the past. When we feel lonely, unloved, unaccepted, unsafe, etc., we can act in ultimately self-defeating ways. Possibly if you can figure out what motivated your (unwise) decisions in the past, you'll start to feel stronger and more confident in your abilities to make wiser choices for yourself in the future? Best of luck.
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I think that with time you will come to trust again. The point of dating is to get to know someone, not to commit to them, or become vulnerable so they can burn you. Keep the dates light and fun. With time you will come to a point where you may find someone worth opening up to, at that time listen to your gut and figure out if this is a real concern with this guy...or just your old stuff coming up. It is a challenge...but all relationships are a risk. Working with a therapist may not be a bad idea either. We often end up with the same kind of people and wonder how this happens...it happens because you pick them to work out old stuff. A therapist can help you identify these patterns in your selection of men. Good luck. Give yourself time...it will all work out.
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