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Putting He's Just Not That Into You to the test


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Posted

I'm trying to test the He's Just Not That Into You theory. So LS men, do you have any experiences where you were really into someone but ended up not contacting them or bringing things forward? Care to share them? :)

 

As for LS women, care to share stories of you ending up in relationships :love: with guys you initially thought weren't into you?

Posted

I can't wait to see responses to this!! :D

Posted

Early in getting to know someone I have found it best to not jump in headfirst. So sometimes I will hold off on texting or calling and wait for them to initiate contact also. I don't want to be the only one chasing so to say. That may come off as me being not really inteterested but I will take my chances with that over being the guy that seems needy.

Posted

The problem with "Why men love bitches" and "he's just not that into you" is that they describe typical alpha male behavior.

 

Many shy guys will come off as the not asking not a girl out, not calling (initially) crowd.

Posted

I haven't read the book so I can't really speak to the details of what it might say.

 

But when I'm interested in someone, I'll make the initial contact and I'm happy to do it. But there will have to be reciprocation. If I find that I'm always expected to do the initiating, that tells me that she's either uninterested or is playing some sort of game. Either way, I'm out.

Posted

I don't chase/pursue hard and some women take that as "He's just not into me." I think there ought to be a balance. If there is no balance such as one person chasing hard then there really isn't any relationship.

 

I mentioned this to someone else on LS. If you're doing all the chasing, something is wrong.

 

That said, there are always subtle clues that let you know if someone is into you or not. Just pay attention.

Posted

But when I'm interested in someone, I'll make the initial contact and I'm happy to do it. But there will have to be reciprocation. If I find that I'm always expected to do the initiating, that tells me that she's either uninterested or is playing some sort of game. Either way, I'm out.

 

So if the person you are interested in, if they 95-100% reply to your initiating. That is not considered reciprocating? What if the person is more of a responder type personality. What if the girl takes the sub role and likes the guy to be the true guy as in he does all of the initiating. Kind of a more old school courting process. As long as they are responding in a timely manner, that should show they are still interested right?

 

If you even have to think about if he/she is not that into you, it's a game and I promptly leave that situation. I have no desire to play games.

Posted
So if the person you are interested in, if they 95-100% reply to your initiating. That is not considered reciprocating?
That's a good point. What I was suggesting was similar to what CaliGuy said: there has to be some balance.

 

What I was trying to say was that if her expectations are that I'm always supposed to be the initiator while she just sits back and does, essentially, nothing, that's a big red flag for me. That creates and reinforces a power imbalance in the relationship, whereby I'm supposed to make all the suggestions and she decides whether to go with them or not.

 

I don't do power imbalances. BTDT, won't ever do it again.

Posted
I don't chase/pursue hard and some women take that as "He's just not into me." I think there ought to be a balance. If there is no balance such as one person chasing hard then there really isn't any relationship.

 

I mentioned this to someone else on LS. If you're doing all the chasing, something is wrong.

 

That said, there are always subtle clues that let you know if someone is into you or not. Just pay attention.

 

Exactly, some of the readers of these books can't seem to figure out a balance.

 

After why men love bitches came out, some women became so bitchy they actually drove decent men away.

Posted

Yeah, I can't stand when big general books come out like "Why men love bitches" and it changes all kinds of people.

 

I surely don't love bitches/girls who act bitchy. They can go buy a shotgun and blow their heads off, the world won't miss them.

Posted
As for LS women, care to share stories of you ending up in relationships :love: with guys you initially thought weren't into you?

 

I would... if it had ever happened. It hasn't.

 

Every time I've wasted my time on a guy who displayed any of the behavior in that book, sh*t has gone horribly awry because it came out eventually that - GASP - they just weren't that into me.

 

No one's saying a guy needs to chase you like a rabid Rottweiler after a mailman, calling you ten times a day... but the book doesn't say that either.

Posted

Some women consider anything short of non-stop calling, invites, marriage proposal hints, and teddy bears as evidence that "he's not that into them". :laugh:

 

The whole concept is bogus, because nobody can define a priori what "that much" means. I've never been "that much", into a girl and never will be, how's that for an answer;).

Posted
Exactly, some of the readers of these books can't seem to figure out a balance.

 

After why men love bitches came out, some women became so bitchy they actually drove decent men away.

 

Yeah, people tend to read a book and take it for face value, thinking that "Hey if I act this way all the time I'll have great success."

 

The problem is that it's all SITUATIONAL. You can't take one person's opinion of how you should behave and use it for EVERY interaction you have with someone. Some people this sort of psychology works and for others it does not.

 

I think what the books are trying to teach is simply confidence and self-respect. If you have healthy levels of both, you don't need "tricks" or "attitudes" or have successful relationships.

 

They'll just happen naturally because you are just being your normal, confident self. That is, IMHO, one of the most attractive qualities a person can have.

Posted

Nope. Every relationship I've had started off with the guy being the pursuer, and by doing a fine job at it.

Posted
Nope. Every relationship I've had started off with the guy being the pursuer, and by doing a fine job at it.

 

All men puruse to some degree. The issue is "how hard"?

 

If I puruse, show interest and she's flakey or doesn't respond, then I'm done. I'm not going to get into a situation where I am doing all the pursuing because like I said, it then becomes a chase. I simply don't "chase" women.

 

And frankly, I don't feel I "need" to.

Posted
Exactly, some of the readers of these books can't seem to figure out a balance.

 

After why men love bitches came out, some women became so bitchy they actually drove decent men away.

 

I wonder how many women actually read those stupid books?

 

I once had a couple dates with a woman whose favorite book was "He's Just Not That Into You." She acted like a complete disinterested bitch when I was out with her. I don't know whether he behavior was because she was playing a game or because she just wasn't interested. I had met her on a dating website and she initially complained that she had met several men, but that they usually stopped calling after a few dates and she thought that they were rude breaking off contact like this. So I assumed that she was like that to all the guys she met on the dating website.

Posted
That's a good point. What I was suggesting was similar to what CaliGuy said: there has to be some balance.

 

What I was trying to say was that if her expectations are that I'm always supposed to be the initiator while she just sits back and does, essentially, nothing, that's a big red flag for me. That creates and reinforces a power imbalance in the relationship, whereby I'm supposed to make all the suggestions and she decides whether to go with them or not.

 

I don't do power imbalances. BTDT, won't ever do it again.

 

I absolutely agree with you. I was just curious to your take on if they are always the responder. If the guy is always initiating, it sets the girl up to have a buffet style relationship where she can pick and choose what she wants and ignore the rest. That, like buffets, is not healthy. Plus, all it does is create confusion and needless drama. I used to be okay with always initiating if they always responded. Now, I see the light. There has to be a balance or else the ship sinks.

 

If you are going to bash books like "Why Men Hate Bitches" then you'll surely have to bash "No More Mr. Nice Guy" because it's the same book just written for a different gender. After I had read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and if that book has changed me to where I lose some females because I no longer feel the need to play stupid games like the chase, then I think I've changed for the best.

 

If a woman can't spell reciprocation, then I doubt she knows what it means and I'm quickly running the opposite direction. So yes, I guess I'm just not that into you if I have to play games that are better left on the elementary school playground. I shouldn't have to hand you a note that says, "Do you like me? Circle YES or NO."

Posted
All men puruse to some degree. The issue is "how hard"?

 

If I puruse, show interest and she's flakey or doesn't respond, then I'm done. I'm not going to get into a situation where I am doing all the pursuing because like I said, it then becomes a chase. I simply don't "chase" women.

 

And frankly, I don't feel I "need" to.

 

No I don't think you need to chase anybody down. Of course if she is interested she will be answering your calls and saying yes to dates. Otherwise, why bother?

 

I was just saying that I really have never had to doubt if a guy was interested in me or not because if he was, he was asking me out and so on.

Posted

If I am interested I initiate contact. I try not to play games, if I want to talk to you...I will. If I'm not into you...I will tell you it's just not working for me.

 

Bad thing for you ladies is that not all men follow that protocol. Some like to draw you in...whether they are into you or not. Some are just shy and don't want to seem pushy.

 

In the end, I think, whether female or male, if you want to see somebody...contact them...it saves all the guess work.

Posted
I wonder how many women actually read those stupid books?

 

I once had a couple dates with a woman whose favorite book was "He's Just Not That Into You." She acted like a complete disinterested bitch when I was out with her. I don't know whether he behavior was because she was playing a game or because she just wasn't interested. I had met her on a dating website and she initially complained that she had met several men, but that they usually stopped calling after a few dates and she thought that they were rude breaking off contact like this. So I assumed that she was like that to all the guys she met on the dating website.

 

A lot. I think He's just not that into you and Why men love bitches, and a really crap one call "The rules" which is the predecessor to Why men love bitches all have sold over 10 mil each.

 

The first one is good at teaching women when to let go when it's clearly wrong. The second in not to be a push over.

 

Friggin I find it amazing that many human beings are like sheep though and have no idea of the balance between not being a pushover and turning into a bitch.

Posted

Every single one of my longterm attachments began with the guy being very obviously into me. I haven't read Hes just not that into you but I think it would make me crazy if I did, anazlyzing too much.

 

I think we're all capable of judging someone's interest level. But sometimes we fall in love with potential. Oh well.

Posted
Every single one of my longterm attachments began with the guy being very obviously into me. I haven't read Hes just not that into you but I think it would make me crazy if I did, anazlyzing too much.

 

I think we're all capable of judging someone's interest level. But sometimes we fall in love with potential. Oh well.

 

That's because many women assume:

 

1) They can change the man.

 

2) They are special and the one that the man will go for despite breaking many hearts.

Posted
If you are going to bash books like "Why Men Hate Bitches" then you'll surely have to bash "No More Mr. Nice Guy" because it's the same book just written for a different gender. After I had read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and if that book has changed me to where I lose some females because I no longer feel the need to play stupid games like the chase, then I think I've changed for the best.

 

Well, I don't know that I agree with this statement.

 

NMMNG is more about learning how to destroy the "door mat" nice guy in men. It's about building confidence and learning to act like a man. It teaches you how to be balanced. If you're losing women in the process, that can be attributed to there just not being mutual interest.

 

Not everyone you meet is going to like you(us) or be interested in you. The sooner you(we) understand and come to grips with that, the more you(we) can focus in on the ones who are and find much more success in dating and relationships.

 

The problem I see here is that too many people waste their time OVER pursuing. Door mat men do it all the time. Insecure women do it a lot.

 

If you aren't in a balanced courtship/dating/engagement/marriage then I just don't see how it will be successful. Too much of anything (other than intimacy IMHO! LOL) is never a good thing.

Posted
I wonder how many women actually read those stupid books?

 

Probably around the same number of men that read their analogous, stupid books. Unfortunately, a lot.

Posted
No I don't think you need to chase anybody down. Of course if she is interested she will be answering your calls and saying yes to dates. Otherwise, why bother?

 

I was just saying that I really have never had to doubt if a guy was interested in me or not because if he was, he was asking me out and so on.

 

Yep, agreed. Just wanted to clarify. If I am interested, I make it known.

 

If they agree to dates, etc, fine.

If they blow me off, I move on.

 

No biggie :)

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