GF wants space

[IntegraC]

I know this has been posted a lot, but mine is a little different.

 

I've been married for about 10 years, recently divorced. After about 5 months of being alone I found a younger girl, she's 20, and we hit it right off. I'm 29. We've been together for almost 7 months and she tells me she wants some space and a break to think about us and what she wants out of life.

 

Another twist I guess, she got pregnant by me and ended up having an abortion because she wasn't sure she would be ready for a child yet. This was about a month ago.

 

So could this space be because it's finally hitting her, could it be that I'm just too serious, and if so what should I do?

 

It's been almost 4 days now and she came over to talk, texted me, called me, wants to make sure I'm ok and still wants to be friends at the very least but for now wants space. So is it basically over, or what should I do.

 

Thanks.

[Thaddeus]

It's over.

 

"I need space" and "let's just be friends" are code for "I don't want to be with you anymore."

 

The Urban Dictionary has it pretty much spot-on:

This is said when one person wants to break up a friendship or relationship with the other person permanently, but does not want to appear mean or cold-hearted.

Wanting to remain 'friends' (loosely defined) is so she can get all the benefits of a relationship with you without having to actually do or be responsible for anything.

 

She's either trying to spare your feelings, or she hasn't got the backbone to be straight with you. Or maybe it's both.

 

Either way, it's over.

[Odyssey]

Integra, it's over.

[dreamergrl]

She's 20 - she's at a different spot in life. So many people say age is just a number, but it's not when you've got one person just entering adulthood and another who's been there a while. Plus, add on the abortion.... she's got a mind full of thoughts.

 

Maybe it's over... maybe she just needs to sort out things. Either way, you need to comply and give her her space.

[IntegraC]

Should I send her flowers, or a card or something? I mean she still texts me off and on, so I don't know what to do. Ignore her, answer her and don't text her unless she starts the conv or what.

 

My ex wife which I have a decent friendship with now pretty much said to do the flowers thing and that she's obv stressed about the abortion.

 

I just don't want to be clingy to push her even further.

[dreamergrl]

It's only been four days? Give it some more time....

[boogieboy]

Should I send her flowers, or a card or something? I mean she still texts me off and on, so I don't know what to do. Ignore her, answer her and don't text her unless she starts the conv or what.

 

My ex wife which I have a decent friendship with now pretty much said to do the flowers thing and that she's obv stressed about the abortion.

 

I just don't want to be clingy to push her even further.

 

Ignore her. She is acting typically when a woman wants to keep tabs on you to make sure you dont move on so she can control you-by trying to remain "friends". As long as you keep in touch she will get over you faster. She needs to miss you, and as long as shes keeping tabs on you, shes not missing you, know what I mean?

 

Ignore her, she's 20. She wants to play the field. You have to treat her like she wont ever want to get back with you, like you will never see her again, and ignore her. The only time you reply to her is if she says she wants to try again. Its important that you do this now while she JUST started this nonsense about space.

 

There is a possibility that she really has to think, but that excuse is the oldest one in the book. Dont let her use you for friendship. When she texts you she is using you for validation, and to help ease her guilt for dumping you. Dont ease her guilt.

 

Heres what will happen:

 

You ignore her texts and she will try anything to get your attention, short of saying she wants to try again.

Hshe will say things like "why are you ignoring me?"

"You are so rude, I cant belive youre ignoring me, why?"

"Please talk to me, I have something to tell you"

"I just wanted to tell you one thing...."

"I still need to think, please wait for me"

"can we talk ..please? I really miss you"

"I am thinking about you"

then she will try anything in the book to get you to answer,

 

If she wants to get back with you again, she will do anything to make that known, she will knock down your door.

Texting is minimal effort, dont pay any attention to her. Trust me on this. Cut her off immediately, she lied to you about needing space, she doesnt deserve any consideration from you. She knows this, you dont owe her anything. Dont tell her, just ignore her.

 

Look around the breakup and second chances forums and you will see this is common, and you will understand.

[dreamergrl]

Boogie, I think this is the first time I'm going to have to disagree with you. You need to look at the age mentality. She's only 20. And now dealing with an abortion. I think regardless of how a woman loses a baby, it's hard to deal with. I had a miscarriage at age 19. I was nervous, and unsure about having a baby at that age, but losing the baby still was hard, even if I wasn't ready. When you're pregnant, that baby is now a part of you.

 

I pushed guys away left and right after that. I was a complete witch. I never fully delt with what happened...

[boogieboy]

Boogie, I think this is the first time I'm going to have to disagree with you. You need to look at the age mentality. She's only 20. And now dealing with an abortion. I think regardless of how a woman loses a baby, it's hard to deal with. I had a miscarriage at age 19. I was nervous, and unsure about having a baby at that age, but losing the baby still was hard, even if I wasn't ready. When you're pregnant, that baby is now a part of you.

 

I pushed guys away left and right after that. I was a complete witch. I never fully delt with what happened...

 

I see your point, of course thats a possibility. She still "wants to be friends". It stinks to me. Im not going to give her the benefit of the doubt if she already said she "wants to be friends". That is basically saying she isnt attracted to him anymore. Weve seen it time and time again on this board, if a person says "i want to think about us" it means she wants to find someone better. The abortion might have made her realize that you know. As awful as this thought might be, she might have thought "if im going to have a baby, it cant be now, and it cant be......" Well, i wont finish that.

 

Dreamer you pushed guys away, you didnt tell your bf that you still wanted to be friends and call and text him and go over his house like nothing was wrong didja?

[dreamergrl]

I see your point, of course thats a possibility. She still "wants to be friends". It stinks to me. Im not going to give her the benefit of the doubt if she already said she "wants to be friends". That is basically saying she isnt attracted to him anymore. Weve seen it time and time again on this board, if a person says "i want to think about us" it means she wants to find someone better. The abortion might have made her realize that you know. As awful as this thought might be, she might have thought "if im going to have a baby, it cant be now, and it cant be......" Well, i wont finish that.

 

Dreamer you pushed guys away, you didnt tell your bf that you still wanted to be friends and call and text him and go over his house like nothing was wrong didja?

 

She's saying things out of a reaction. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying I think it's some what normal. It's like grieving. Everyone does it in their own way.

[Art_Critic]

It's over.

 

"I need space" and "let's just be friends" are code for "I don't want to be with you anymore."

 

The Urban Dictionary has it pretty much spot-on:Wanting to remain 'friends' (loosely defined) is so she can get all the benefits of a relationship with you without having to actually do or be responsible for anything.

 

She's either trying to spare your feelings, or she hasn't got the backbone to be straight with you. Or maybe it's both.

 

Either way, it's over.

 

yeah... what he said...Thaddeus is right on

 

 

Also.. 20 is still a child, albeit an older child but still a child.. as an older child she is still having to figure her way into becoming a self sufficient woman..

What she wants in her life at this point is different then what you want..

No way at 20 is she ready to settle down and have kids.. that my friend is where you are at..

 

Time you totally move on and don't contact her anymore..If she texts you then don't reply..

[dreamergrl]

I wish another female would reply to this. No offense guys, but I don't think you can grasp the emotions that come with an abortion.

[boogieboy]

She's saying things out of a reaction. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying I think it's some what normal. It's like grieving. Everyone does it in their own way.

 

Shes not just saying things, shes still hanging out with him as if nothing is wrong. Did you do this?

[CaliGuy]

The Urban Dictionary has it pretty much spot-on:Wanting to remain 'friends' (loosely defined) is so she can get all the benefits of a relationship with you without having to actually do or be responsible for anything.

 

This is what ALL dumpers mean when they break up with you and want to be friends.

 

They DO want all the benefits of a relationship without actually DATING you. Selfish, IMHO.

[dreamergrl]

Shes not just saying things, shes still hanging out with him as if nothing is wrong. Did you do this?

 

Yes. Because I didn't know what to think or what I wanted. One day something felt right, the next it didn't.

[Art_Critic]

I wish another female would reply to this. No offense guys, but I don't think you can grasp the emotions that come with an abortion.

 

Anytime someone uses the term no offense that isn't what they actually mean..

 

Why can't a guy understand it ?.. I went thru a miscarriage at 3 months with my first wife and I think I can relate somewhat as I was the one who helped her thru it.

Some women never get over having an abortion or even a miscarriage..so do..

 

But.. what is really happening in this case is that she is dumping him.. abortion or not.. the relationship ended and he needs to not get clingy and needs to move on and let her have her space..

[Lizzie60]

The last guy that asked me for space.. I locked him outside..

 

Seriously.. I think it's over.. move on.. she's waaayyy too young to be in a serious relationship, worst.. be a mother..

 

Space = break up

[dreamergrl]

I'm not saying she's dumping him or not. I'm saying it's too early to tell. She said this only four days ago. Given her age, I'm sure the thoughts running through her head about everything is quite overwhelming.

 

Also, it may be hard to let go as she experienced this with OP. Maybe she wants some support through it, but doesn't know how to ask. No one knows how she's handling it.

[Art_Critic]

She said this only four days ago. Given her age, I'm sure the thoughts running through her head about everything is quite overwhelming.

 

Also, it may be hard to let go as she experienced this with OP. Maybe she wants some support through it, but doesn't know how to ask. No one knows how she's handling it.

 

Yeah.. you do have a point with this.. but it does mean the relationship is non existent at this point.. it wasn't like she said she wanted to slow down and keep seeing each other and still lean on each other..

 

Something else..

They were only together 7 months and not 7 years so after 7 months someone asks for space, it isn't a sign that things are going great...

 

Even if her motivation is becuase of the abortion is still doesn't change the results in the end.. she is pushing him out of her life.. and quickly..

[boogieboy]

Yes. Because I didn't know what to think or what I wanted. One day something felt right, the next it didn't.

 

Hey IntegraC this is EXACTLY why you should keep out of contact with her. Talking to her will only confuse her more. I still dont think shes confused, but dont let her confused emotions make you confused. Do not support her. Take a stand that she either has to have all of you, or none of you. Let her figure it out on her own. if she really wants to try again, she will come to you. But keep in mind, once broken, it means she was unsure about you to begin with, so you have to tread lightly after that.

 

She has been thinking about breaking it off with you for a while, the abortion just compounded her confusion. Its only been 4 days, cut her off now before you get keep contacting her, smothering her, and driving her away. Leave her be. Anything you do now will only push her away.

[dreamergrl]

I DO completely agree that OP needs to space himself from her.

 

But you can't 100% blame her. I think the abortion had a lot to do with things, and it took two people to make this happen. We don't know what type of support system this girl had during this time. We don't know all the components.

 

If there wasn't this other complicated part, I'd agree, it's over. But this isn't just the classic case of "I need space"

[dreamergrl]

Hey IntegraC this is EXACTLY why you should keep out of contact with her. Talking to her will only confuse her more. I still dont think shes confused, but dont let her confused emotions make you confused. Do not support her. Take a stand that she either has to have all of you, or none of you. Let her figure it out on her own. if she really wants to try again, she will come to you. But keep in mind, once broken, it means she was unsure about you to begin with, so you have to tread lightly after that.

 

She has been thinking about breaking it off with you for a while, the abortion just compounded her confusion. Its only been 4 days, cut her off now before you get keep contacting her, smothering her, and driving her away. Leave her be. Anything you do now will only push her away.

 

Are you saying she's using her abortion as a way to validate not wanting to be with OP? If so... I think that's a bit harsh.

[EarthGirl]

I was in love with a guy who got another girl pregnant. It wasn't exclusive at the time between us so...but she got an abortion possibly partially because she knew he was still somewhat hung up on me and she didn't know if it would ever end. I'm sure there were many other reasons that were personal to her current life and circumstances and her own self, I don't mean to be self absorbed (anyway some women do have babies they got pregnant with men that aren't even committed to them or are but are cheating on them or even if they get pregnant by a one night stand and never see the guy again) who she was at the moment, she was also very young (19, 20, 21 at most, don't know exactly), maybe not ready to be a mother. Had a lot of things she still wanted to do first, I don't know.

 

But I wished for it. That she would either have a misscarriage or she would get an abortion. I even implied it to someone and I think it might have gotten back to her through the grapevine, but I'm not sure. I could not stand the idea that there would be a beautiful soul crawling around in a body that was half his dna and half hers. It made me absolutely sick. Something that could never ever ever be reversed and in my heart I felt his children were meant to be mine. Eh, so sue me.

 

I also knew that he would have a positive nervous breakdown if I ever got pregnant with a child that was made of another man's dna, that he might literally end up in the loony bin or jail for killing the other guy or something. I don't mean to brag about his feelings for me. The truth is that I knew all along he was in love with her too, perhaps deeply, and did not attempt to deny it or even play it down. But he was a hypocrite about this and I also knew that he was not prepared for it as a person at that time in his life. He was not taking it seriously, he was still talking to me almost every day and he wasn't even discussing their options with her. He was fantasizing about being a father but at the same time not even really letting the reality sink into his psyche, and I was scared for everyone involved, me, him, her, especially the baby, even though part of me hated him/her, part of me loved him/her because they were his, and anyway I love all babies and kids, I'm that kind of person.

 

I always used to tell him that he had the makings of a fantastic father. One of those dads that loves their kids no matter what, with unconditional love, and they feel like they can go to him with anything. One who is just the right parts discipline and pushover. And I'm not saying he could only be capable of that with me and not another woman, but unfortunately at the time he just wasn't ready, even though I guess tragically and ironically shortly after he began making great strides in his life.

 

Ultimately though it was her who made the decision, not only because it should always be that way, the woman should make the ultimate decision (that is my belief), but also because he was not too engaged in it, even though I do believe a part of him really wanted it and he was very hurt by the end result. And I know that wishing something to be so can't make it so. And even if my implying that I wished it did get back to her, if she really really wanted it and felt ready than that probably would just have given her more motivation, if only to really stick it to me.

 

And yet even remembering it now...in fact every time I remember it, I feel sick again.

 

-------------------------------------

 

As for me personally, I have never had a miscarriage...but I feel the loss sometimes too. I am several years older than her, and I am getting those mommy feelings that you get like you want your own, no matter how hard it may be...I have always loved babies and kids but they are very difficult sometimes, think about being in charge of them all the time. But sometimes I feel like I've been ready for a while...at least some part of me, even though other parts arent unfortunately cause I've been through a lot of hard stuff in my life. I've thought about adopting but am not at nearly an appropriate place in my life practically, emotionally, financially, etc. to have even a chance at it.

 

And I have not ever even gotten close to pregnant, I have not even had that many opportunities so it's no wonder (seems like in life all the women who would like to get pregnant have horrible bad luck and the ones who don't or do but are just not ready have that one night when they are literally at a point in their cycle where they are extra fertile and the condom just happens to break on that certain night, etc. and then everything changes) and it's hurtful. I too feel like there is a baby out there somewhere that is supposed to be here with me, but just isn't.

[IntegraC]

Thanks for the replies guys, keep em coming. I have so many mixed things. There's times where I agree with boogieboy and others where I don't know if I should support her because technically this was our mess.

 

I mean I'm not even sure that this is such a big factor in this whole 'space' thing. I'm just saying this was pretty much the only factor that really popped up recently.

 

As for support system during the abortion thing, she had none besides me and a few friends. I told her it's her decision and I'd stand by her regardless and kept asking her if she's sure whenever she'd make up her mind just to confirm it's what she wanted.

 

I know the hormones are still there from being pregnant and are slowly going back to normal, so I don't know.

 

I've backed off though, it just sucks I guess.

[boogieboy]

Are you saying she's using her abortion as a way to validate not wanting to be with OP? If so... I think that's a bit harsh.

 

I dont think its harsh, but I dont think it would be the only reason. A pregnancy is a wake up call to some kind of commitment. She may have realized after having the abortion that she shouldnt be with a guy she wasnt that into. Not a far fetched idea, I'm just speculating though. She really doesnt want to be WITH him which is the bottom line.