wiko Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Dip, chew or chaw, whatever you want to call it, I do it. My question, when do I break it to a girl that I use it? I know it gross, nasty, and a carcinogen. I'm a redneck, I know, There is absolutely no evidence in my house or car that I use, no wrappers, cans, or spit cups. I do it when I'm alone or at work. I managed to hide it from my last girl friend for almost a year, and when she found out it was mostly a don't ask don't tell policy going. It worked out pretty well. I'd expect it to be a complete turnoff, one that would promptly end a relationship but in the past it really hasn't. Just seems to cause them to hassle me every once in awhile. So, for the women, would you want to know at all? If so, right away or after the relationship is completely monogamous? Men, any experiences with this?
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 My most recent xbf chewed. I didn't know about it until about a month into things. I have pretty good intuition and one day it kind of hit the back of my mind that he was probably a chewer (redneck). But he was totally discreet about it. I disclosed something about myself and he disclosed the tobacco thing. I already knew...although had never seen the "signs" like you're talking about - no cans, wrappers, never tasted it, etc. As far as when to tell a girl...maybe get her opinion about people who chew in general. If she freaks about it - saying how gross it is - probably the sooner the better or at least break things off with her without revealing it. I don't know - I think it's good to be honest with somebody if you're going to be in relationship with them. Why would you want to be in relationship with somebody that has a heavy aversion to a habit you have?
sweetjasmine Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I'd want to know right up front because it's a dealbreaker for me (and I'd be furious if I found out my boyfriend had been hiding it for a year), and: Why would you want to be in relationship with somebody that has a heavy aversion to a habit you have? ^ that.
Vet Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I don't know that I agree with them. If it's really something that you do completely alone, and they wouldn't know unless you told them otherwise, I would keep it a secret, at least until things became more serious. It's really not the business of someone you've just started dating. It is one of those things though that is looked very heavily down upon, and I know a lot of women (who would otherwise be great people to date) that have a sort of illogical aversion to it that would immediately stop seeing someone that chewed, even if they never knew you did it.
Author wiko Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Sweetjasmine, this isn't an attack, just curiosity. Why is it an outright deal breaker if you can never tell? Is it just the potential long term health risk? Do you have the same opinion of smokers and heavy drinkers (ignoring the raging alcoholic aspect of it though, just the health risk)? Or anyone, can you explain this to me? If you could never tell...?
Author wiko Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 (Forgot to say this) Why would you want to be in relationship with somebody that has a heavy aversion to a habit you have? It's something I'd be happy to give up for someone I love, and would without a doubt whenever I settle down, but at this stage in my life, quitting just isn't a priority.
sweetjasmine Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Sweetjasmine, this isn't an attack, just curiosity. Why is it an outright deal breaker if you can never tell? Is it just the potential long term health risk? Do you have the same opinion of smokers and heavy drinkers (ignoring the raging alcoholic aspect of it though, just the health risk)? Or anyone, can you explain this to me? If you could never tell...? Potential long term health risk is one of them. And, yes, I also have the same opinion of smokers and heavy drinkers. But it's not just about the health risks, for me. It's a lifestyle thing. I think people have the right to put whatever they want into their bodies. If they want to engage in risky behavior, it's their choice, and it doesn't bother me as long as it doesn't significantly affect other people in a negative way. I have friends who smoke and/or drink fairly heavily: they're still my friends, and I don't lecture them on their choices or say anything unless they ask for my opinion. But the habits personally bug me, and if I'm looking at a serious relationship, I'd rather be with someone who's essentially on the same page as I am and who would rather not take those risks. Besides, if I were with someone who chewed tobacco or smoked or did something similar, I wouldn't want them to feel like they had to hide it to please me. That wouldn't be fair. I'd probably rather they quit, but if they didn't want to, they'd probably be better off with someone who accepts their habit(s).
Fay Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 So, for the women, would you want to know at all? If so, right away or after the relationship is completely monogamous? I honestly don't see the problem, as long as you don't try to kiss me with tobacco juice in your mouth. Of course, I'm not biased against tobacco use, because I'm a smoker. YMMV
Gemini09 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Smokeless tobacco or any kind of tobacco for that matter. A complete turn off to me. I don't care if they are discreet about it. I'm more concerned for health reasons if anything. It would be a deal breaker. You need to just tell someone up front and get it over with. They either care or they don't.
Vet Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Smokeless tobacco or any kind of tobacco for that matter. A complete turn off to me. I don't care if they are discreet about it. I'm more concerned for health reasons if anything. It would be a deal breaker. You need to just tell someone up front and get it over with. They either care or they don't. While you're more than free to date whomever you like, I'm curious why you cite their health as the reason you would not date them. Would you feel the same way about people that are involved in dangerous professions like construction or oil drilling? What about people who never worked out? People that ate fast food? People that like to sky dive or involve themselves in other dangerous sports?
Fay Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 While you're more than free to date whomever you like, I'm curious why you cite their health as the reason you would not date them. Would you feel the same way about people that are involved in dangerous professions like construction or oil drilling? What about people who never worked out? People that ate fast food? People that like to sky dive or involve themselves in other dangerous sports? You'll never get an answer that makes sense, because the liberal media has utterly brainwashed everyone to react with horror at the mere thought of tobacco. (I'm a libertarian, so don't start with the republican comments, because that's the last thing I'll be associated with.)
sweetjasmine Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 While you're more than free to date whomever you like, I'm curious why you cite their health as the reason you would not date them. Would you feel the same way about people that are involved in dangerous professions like construction or oil drilling? What about people who never worked out? People that ate fast food? People that like to sky dive or involve themselves in other dangerous sports? Answering just for myself: I would feel the same way about those people. I wouldn't want to be in a serious relationship with a Secret Service agent or a Marine on active duty. I'm not good at dealing with a situation like that, and it'd be too stressful/emotional for me. I would feel the same way about people who are into extreme sports like sky-diving. I'm not interested in sports like that, so if it were important to them, it'd probably be a point of contention. As for working out and fast food, the man I'm in a serious relationship with right now is on the same page as me on that stuff, too. We both encourage each other to try to eat well and exercise on a regular basis, and we compliment each other on the results we're seeing. I do it for myself, to improve myself, but sometimes it's hard, and having him there to encourage me helps. We'll also cook for each other. If I were dating someone who was a couch potato and ate fast food all the time, I think it could possibly lead to some conflict. It's important to me that the person I'm in a serious relationship with take their health seriously. You'll never get an answer that makes sense, because the liberal media has utterly brainwashed everyone to react with horror at the mere thought of tobacco. (I'm a libertarian, so don't start with the republican comments, because that's the last thing I'll be associated with.) I don't know about other people, but I react with horror at the thought of people I love using tobacco because I've seen cancer caused by tobacco use kill a lot of people I love. Just recently, we lost a family friend to lung cancer, and it was truly horrible to lose such a wonderful person so early to a terrible disease caused by a habit. Not everyone who doesn't like tobacco has been brainwashed by the media. Some of us are just reacting to what happens to a lot of tobacco users.
Gemini09 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 You'll never get an answer that makes sense, because the liberal media has utterly brainwashed everyone to react with horror at the mere thought of tobacco. (I'm a libertarian, so don't start with the republican comments, because that's the last thing I'll be associated with.) Why is it people who are not against tobacco and such things often accuse the media of "brainwashing" someone. Everyone has their on preferences. I am pretty health conscious, and prefer someone the same. Not obsessive or anything, because I could personally do better as far as eating, working out myself. I think the only jobs I would have an issue with would be something highly risky. It would bother me, but I don't know if it would necessarily be a deal breaker. It depends on what it is. With that said, chewing can make your jaw fall off, and I prefer a man with nice teeth and his entire jaw intact.
Vet Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Why is it people who are not against tobacco and such things often accuse the media of "brainwashing" someone. Everyone has their on preferences. I am pretty health conscious, and prefer someone the same. Not obsessive or anything, because I could personally do better as far as eating, working out myself. I think the only jobs I would have an issue with would be something highly risky. It would bother me, but I don't know if it would necessarily be a deal breaker. It depends on what it is. With that said, chewing can make your jaw fall off, and I prefer a man with nice teeth and his entire jaw intact. Like I said, you're definitely free to see whomever you'd like with whatever qualifications you require of them, and while I certainly don't think you're brainwashed, I do think you (and many other people) are overreacting as far as the health effects of tobacco, especially when used in amounts that the original poster posted.
Vet Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Oh, yeah. We're all so damned ignorant that we can't decide for ourselves if we want to potentially watch the person we love waste away from emphysema or mouth cancer or any one of the number of awful things that can happen as a result of tobacco use. To the OP: There is no way I would date a smoker, and the reason to tell her BEFORE she gets emotionally invested is to spare her potential pain at having to break up with you after she finds out. You should NOT wait until you get "serious" with each other. That's just unfair. Quit before it's too late http://library.thinkquest.org/trio/TTQ03034/mouth_cancer_cr.jpg Your post is exactly why the OP should not divulge this information until it's no longer relevant (i.e. after it's become serious), especially since he's posted that he's not averse to quitting at some point in the future. There's too many people that act (who would otherwise be great partners) irrationally when it comes to tobacco use, and how could you not when these kinds of pictures are thrown out as what you'll look like if you use it?
sweetjasmine Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Your post is exactly why the OP should not divulge this information until it's no longer relevant (i.e. after it's become serious), especially since he's posted that he's not averse to quitting at some point in the future. There's too many people that act (who would otherwise be great partners) irrationally when it comes to tobacco use, and how could you not when these kinds of pictures are thrown out as what you'll look like if you use it? I don't know if I'm reading what you wrote correctly, but that doesn't make sense. IMO, he should be upfront and open about it from the beginning because if he's dating someone who "acts irrationally when it comes to tobacco use", it'd be a waste of both their times and unfair to both of them for the problem to arise when they're already serious. If I were him, I'd want to know that the person I'm dating is going to react irrationally to my habit. If I were her, I'd want to know that he has a habit I'm going to react irrationally to.
Gemini09 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 That picture is rather disgusting. Is that real, my god....
Vet Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 So, in other words, you advocate for deception in a relationship? What a great way to kick things off. I'm sure the guy in that pic thought people were being irrational when they tried to warn him as well. No, I advocate not sharing things that aren't any of their business, which when beginning to date someone, your personal habits clearly are not. I wouldn't tell someone I just began dating that I don't take a shower every morning either. It's not deception if you don't lay out your entire life to someone on the first date. Maybe he did, but you're being completely irrational when you link to a picture that you don't even know the story behind and point at it as a reason to stop doing something. You have absolutely no idea if that guy lost his face because of tobacco, through an industrial accident, or a genetic disease.
sweetjasmine Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 No, I advocate not sharing things that aren't any of their business, which when beginning to date someone, your personal habits clearly are not. I wouldn't tell someone I just began dating that I don't take a shower every morning either. It's not deception if you don't lay out your entire life to someone on the first date. No one said anything about laying your entire life out to someone on the first date. And "I don't shower every morning" isn't usually a dealbreaker. For a lot of people, tobacco use is. Actively hiding it for a whole year is deception, IMO.
Vet Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 No one said anything about laying your entire life out to someone on the first date. And "I don't shower every morning" isn't usually a dealbreaker. For a lot of people, tobacco use is. Actively hiding it for a whole year is deception, IMO. It would be if you told someone that on the first date, nor was I advocating hiding it for a year, just until it was serious and, you know, their business.
Vet Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Um, I found it on a website regarding the health hazards of tobacco. So yeah, I have an idea if he lost his face because of tobacco. He did. Nothing irrational about merely relaying facts. As for your showering analogy, you wouldn't be able to hide that as easily. Even after a breath mint, everyone would still know you didn't shower. I just think it's poor form to get a girl "hooked" and THEN tell her something like this. I'm sure some people operate that way, but if I were dating a guy and found out he hid something like that from me on purpose so he could spring it on me AFTER I began to care for him, it would reflect on his honesty and integrity. Yeah, a website regarding the health hazards of tobacco wouldn't have any reason to show horrific pictures that are of dubious integrity. Even if this was a result of tobacco use, you have absolutely no idea the other factors behind it such as amount of use and genetic predisposition to cancer. Actually, depending on the person, bathing every day is completely unnecessary, but say that to someone and their irrational social and cultural beliefs take hold (case in point), although I'm not sure where breath mints come in unless you bathe yourself in a wholly different manner.
Vet Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 With breath mints, you might hide the smoking. I thought you'd get that. You must be a smoker who is REALLY PO'd at the quickly growing numbers of states with smoking bans. I'm sure the folks who made that website made sure to find casual smokers who rarely use tobacco but who maybe chew on other cancer causing agents. I'm certain that's what caused that guy to lose his face. "Even after a breath mint, everyone would still know you didn't shower."--sorry, I didn't follow your poor sentence structure. Actually, I don't smoke, but yes, you're right. I am pissed off at the evaporation of our personal liberties by government entities. You should be too, even if you don't happen to agree with those liberties, because the next one might actually be something you care for. There's plenty of stuff out there that's bad for you--salt, red meat, alcohol. I don't see anyone in this thread saying they would not date someone that indulged in those responsibly in moderation. At least you understand that those who are pushing this agenda aren't using pictures of people who casually use tobacco; they're going for illogical shock value while intentionally obscuring the facts. Seems intellectually dishonest to me. If you want to cross out people that might be a good fit for you just because of some arbitrary habit though, that's your business.
Charles1978 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I've been dating my current g/f for about 3 months now. Were were on an 8 hour drive with a friend last week. Well, about an hour into the drive, after I told him to quit smoking, he asks "So, are you still dipping"? She, of course, heard this. I had never told her. She knew that I used to be a social smoker, and tobacco is a deal breaker for her. I picked up the habit as an aid to quit smoking... worst mistake of my life. Anyway, it took a whole lot of explaining, but she forgave me. However, she demanded I quit. While I do think this is controlling, I see that it is good advice and i wanted to quit myself, so I have quit. It is not easy, but so far so good. Basically there is no good time. But if you are set on continuing its use, you probably should find a way to let her know... the sooner the better.
Vet Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Is that all you can do now is attempt to insult me? Sorry, but it's not working. That was perfect sentence structure. It appears the problem lies with a lower than average level of comprehension. I think we all know there are things that are bad for us, and we all, as individuals, are free to choose which things are bad enough, in our opinion, to be a deal breaker (unless, of course, someone is deceitful and are purposely hiding things). Tobacco use isn't something most people can do casually. Studies have revealed that it is even more addictive than heroin. Red meat, on the other hand, can be eaten only occasionally and not be any kind of health hazard. I've never heard of anyone going through withdrawals from not having a cheeseburger. If I'm insulting you, there won't be a question. You don't even know what you're talking about, whether it be heroin or tobacco. Plenty of people use tobacco casually in moderation, they're just the ones you don't hear about because they don't make very convincing cases for quitting.
sweetjasmine Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 If I'm insulting you, there won't be a question. You don't even know what you're talking about, whether it be heroin or tobacco. Plenty of people use tobacco casually in moderation, they're just the ones you don't hear about because they don't make very convincing cases for quitting. To be fair, moderate users have been the subject of a lot of studies, and some studies have focused on the physiological effects of the single use of just one cigarette. None of them have concluded that it's harmless, and no one has ever shown that there's a safe level of tobacco use. Reading studies like that and watching people I care about die made me decide to never smoke again, even casually/socially like I used to. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know fairly early on in a relationship whether the person I'm seeing agrees with me on that or finds the risks acceptable.
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