Visited with ex after 2 and a half weeks....went well....now what?

[DSM2709]

For anyone that's been following my posts, yesterday was a better day. After my ex contacted me the day before (Monday), she seemed very interested in how my weekend was, and how my new hours were at work etc, etc, and she invited me over to her house, but I said I had plans already, to which she assumed (jokingly) that I had a date, but I was actually going to the gym. (I didn't want to seem predictable or available), I finally did meet with her the next day (Tuesday), after not seeing her for 2 and a half weeks. I told myself not to rehash the past which I didn't do and things went overall pretty well.

 

We did alot of talking, but not about us, just things in general. She talked about her new "friend" which she tells me she's not sure what's going to be the outcome of the relationship, because he lives 1.5 hours away, and he may get shipped overseas on deployment (Military MP). She stated to me that "HE" was set in his ways and she was set in her ways (not sure if that's a good thing or not). The conversation was upbeat, we talked about alot of different things (work, school, her kids etc etc), and I feel I did a good job of not getting emotional, and didn't bring up any negative thoughts or bad memories of our previous relationship. We joked around about sexual stuff, but it was all just joking in fun. I visited with her for about an hour and a half, which I feel was good. I did ask her if she was interested in going out sometime, to which she replied "sure", and that she said it could this weekend, because she doesn't have the kids. I gave her a couple of nice hugs, and grabbed whatever personal items I had left there at her house, and I left. I didn't cry, although after being there in her house, which I use to live in there with her, I felt sad, and almost cried but it was as I was driving away. I sure do miss being in that house with her, I told her I think about her everyday, to which she said the same about me. So overall, things went well.....but now what? I am going to wait and see what the next step is. Will she call me to see if she wants to go out? I don't want to get my hopes up, but I think things might be positive after our visit...I still miss her like crazy, so I guess any connection with her is good for now. To be continued........

[NopeNah]

You should "let" her be the one to contact you from here out. Also, do not let her use you as a friend while she's still seeing the OM. "If your not 1st you're last"-Ricky Bobby

[DSM2709]

Thanks, that was my idea too. I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

[DSM2709]

Well, my ex called me again today and invited me over to meet her and the kids at a chinese restaurant down the street from my place to which I did, and it was really nice to see them again. The meet was nice, and for now taking things as they come. Not getting my hopes up too much, but taking caution. Waiting to see what's next.

[NopeNah]

Thats good that you're using caution, I'm doing the same. How old are her kids?

[DSM2709]

7 & 9, it seemed like they were excited to see me.

[boogieboy]

I did exactly what youre doing -with my ex, and it was a complete waste of time.

 

I know youre trying to see what happens, but youre delaying your healing.

 

I dont understand why youre talking to her, when shes talking about a new guy shes seeing. Do you really think that shes going to consider dating you again when she never got a chance to miss you? While shes seeing this other guy? I think you are setting yourself up for a big heartbreak. And youre not healed properly because you never lost touch, and youre still pining for her when she moved on. Matter of fact, I think the more you hang out with her, the more she gets over you, and you push her to the new guy.

[NopeNah]

7 & 9, it seemed like they were excited to see me.

They probaly are...My "ex" and I lived together for close to 3 yrs and were together for 5. I watched her son grow into a teenager and the same with my daughter and "ex". Now that schools starting back things seem to have gotten "better"..that's in quotes because i'm not sure if I can get back together with her..Kids know and see whats going on. They know you're not living with them anymore. My ex's son has told her, infront of her family, what he wants. ME!! I still hungout with him even when the OM was around and I was dating others. He even went to the movies with my daughter and new HOT girl I was seeing for a while.. That was a bit odd to explain but, hey I was single! Just take it slow and have no expectations, except for what you want out of this. Don't put her wants and needs before yours at this time. She doesn't deserve 1st class 24hr/day treatment from you right now. Be busy sometimes when she offers to hangout. Being busy doesen't say "I don't WANT you". It'll show her you don't NEED her.

[NopeNah]

Matter of fact, I think the more you hang out with her, the more she gets over you, and you push her to the new guy.

This is TRUE!! You absolutly shouldn't be talking to/seeing her while this other guys around!

[DSM2709]

Well she's iniated contact with me 3 days in a row now when she didn't have to, but she did. The first time, I told her I already had plans after she invited me over. I didn't want to seem available to her, which was one of my flaws when we were together. Then I met her on Tuesday, after SHE called me again. Then she called me yesterday to invite me over to see her and the kids.....so that's 3 different times SHE's iniated contact, when she didn't have to at all. I am keeping myself busy, and I'm not changing my lifestyle for her, if I have plans, then I have plans. I'm not being as predictable as I use to be when I was with her. I would like to somehow remain in her life, and even if it just to hang out every once in a while or to just say hi, so be it. I will still live my life the way I want to. She's told me she's not too sure how things are going to pan out with the OM, since he lives almost 2 hours away, plus she's not sure if he's going to be deployed overseas or not.....doesn't sound like a promising relationship if you ask me if she's so uncertain about this guy. Again, I'm not getting my hopes up, that way if things do go sour, it won't be a shock to my system because I'll already be prepared for it. When I saw the kids yesterday, they seemed happy to see me, as I was happy to see them. I told them that I missed them, and even though they are not my own, it still felt good to see them after not seeing them for over a month. Now, I don't know what the next couple of days will bring, because I will be off from work, but I will keep my plans intact, and I will just keep doing what I'm doing. I know she's with someone else, and for her to keep contacting me, it makes me feel somewhat relieved to know that she still thinks about me.

[NopeNah]

Thats great that you're still living your life! I just couldn't keep hanging out with my ex when she was still seeing someone else. As soon as I asked and she said "yes,but not very often", I went hardcore NC for close to a month. I was dating around ALOT and hanging with friends having a blast! If she's with him you need to let her be, giving her none of you, unless youre ok just being a friend. I couldn't do that to myself. You could also be missing out on finding someone that's better for you.

[boogieboy]

Aight, just dont answer the phone Every time she calls, thats predictable. Youre setting yourself back if you answer every time.

[hoping2heal]

I'm sorry but this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Not to mention, going exactly how I thought it would (not on your part) but if you remember me saying awhile back I thought she was all bullocks about the new guy (yep, she is, predictable) and I thought her break up BS was a move to hold power over you and make you think you did something wrong and that you'd be greatful for the opportunity to have her back in your life. (Which, is what's going on)

 

It's just ridiculous.

[DSM2709]

I had a feeling you would be upset about my post H2H, but I guess I'm just having a hard time letting go. I can't help thinking about her every day, and I know I should just move on, especially the way she's treated me....but I am meeting other people, and keeping myself busy, by going out and going to the gym. I am not always waiting for her to call, I do let the voicemail do the work for me....and then I will respond at a later time. I hope your not too upset with me.....plus, where have you been girl?

[hoping2heal]

I had a feeling you would be upset about my post H2H, but I guess I'm just having a hard time letting go. I can't help thinking about her every day, and I know I should just move on, especially the way she's treated me....but I am meeting other people, and keeping myself busy, by going out and going to the gym. I am not always waiting for her to call, I do let the voicemail do the work for me....and then I will respond at a later time. I hope your not too upset with me.....plus, where have you been girl?

 

 

Well, wether I am upset about it or not has not relevance. This is your life, these are your decisions you need to make. I don't even know that "upset" is the right word, I'm not mad at you or angry with you. I am however, very sad for you. You are the one who thinks it's tolerable and acceptable for a woman to cheat on you, lie to you (and looky there, she's still at it full swing!) treat you just horribly. You think that's okay. No matter what you say with your mouth, deep down you think it's okay. It makes me sad for you, genuinely. Not in a pittying way, in an empathetic way.

 

You know, you read so many of these posts on here, and not all come from unhealthy relationships; but a good majority do and you see people so desperate to get back with someone who's cheated, lied, cut them down repeatedly, just in general treated them like they had little value instead of treating them with love and genuine affection and appreciation. And man, the cracker crumbs people are chasing! So desperate to have these people back in their lives! They WANT the genuine love and kindness, they want someone to adore and dote on them, to treat them like they are precious! They will never get it, but they keep chasing that runaway train anyway. And why? Because most of all, they don't know anything different. They don't know any other path to choose, any other road to follow than that one. Even though, it will never, NEVER lead them to what they are really seeking.

 

Again, this doesn't sum up the case for EVERYONE on here, but a great many I've read? It really does. It makes me sad because I understand that mentality, I have been there in the past. Thank GOD I have woken up from it, that doesn't make me any better than anyone else, but sad for them? Yes.

 

As for where I have been; I have been dealing with a flashback and the intense emotions around that. I haven't been here because I have been too close to empty and I wouldn't have done myself or anyone else any good.

[DSM2709]

You know, I just had a long conversation with myself....and here is my conclusion about this whole mess. I PUT MYSELF IN THIS PREDICAMENT.

 

Back in April, when I started discovering certain things, I NEVER challenged her on them. Of ALL the things I found....texts messages, phone numbers of other guys, her talking on the phone with other guys (While I was in the house at the same time), Her logging onto dating sites, Finding her walking down the street with another guy after I asked her 20 minutes prior if she wanted to have lunch with me and she said she was having lunch with the girls from the office, everytime the kids went away for a week with her ex-husband, she always needed "A BREAK", and still even to this day, she's lying about this new guy she supposedly "JUST MET" 3 weeks ago, when I know damn right well, she's known this guy since may, because his name and where he's from with phone number matches the same info on a piece of paper I found back in May, and even then when I found that list of names, I did nothing about it. She even took a picture of herself dressed up in an outfit, dated April 24th, she sent that photo to whoever she was talking to from that dating site at that time.

 

Of all these things I found, I never did anything about it, I just sat there and took it.....and if I did inquire about something, she always had an answer for it, and covered her tracks..very well I might add, and I just sat there and believed it because I was afraid of confrontation and I was afraid of losing her, and for her, it was like taking candy from a baby. She knew how nieve I was, and how vulnerable I was, and she just kept playing games with me. Eventually she must of decided that this game was just too easy, and there was no challenge anymore and that's why we are where we are today.

 

It sickens me to think that I still want something to do with her, but I can't help but reflect back on what I had with her before all this happenend, a nice house, great kids (hers), dogs, great sex, the whole family living atmosphere. Yes it did get frustrating at times, nothing was perfect. Maybe I wasn't ambitious enough, or challenging enough for her, and not the man she was looking for, but I feel I was still a good enough guy to take care of her and her family. I loved and accepted her kids as my own, I loved her family as my own. In the end, she wanted more and didn't want to settle.

 

I don't know why I still want something to do with her, it's never going to be the same. Part of me thinks I may never hear from her again, but part of me still wants that connection, even if it's just to say hi every now and then. I hate this feeling of emptiness, but I did this to myself for allowing her to walk all over me, and never stood up for myself, when I KNEW something was going on behind my back. She knows what she did, and I know she will never admit the guilt, and she will paint her own version of what happened between us to her family, friends, co-workers and anybody who will listen...but boy, if they only knew the truth.