infjer Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 My boyfriend of about two years was married for a short time. They divorced because she was cheating on him. At the beginning of our relationship, I knew that I'd have to deal with her occasionally. However, since we've started getting more serious, she started to try to "be friends" with him again. I know she regrets what she did and I know she's upset that he's moved on. He's admitted to caring about her - and I can understand that b/c he wouldn't have married her if that wasn't the case. But he's told me quite a few times that he's no longer in love with her and loves me. My problem is that - even though deep down I know I can trust him and we've got a solid relationship, anytime she sends him a text or calls, I get paranoid b/c he isn't mean to her. He's a great guy and that's why I love him, but I feel if it were the other way around, I'd try to at least be a little cold. He isn't mushy back or anything like that, but I've brought up that I don't like them communicating that often. Even though he has no motives, I know she does. Now he's accusing me of overreacting, not trusting him and being insecure. I know if this is going to work I'm going to have to get over it and trust that he won't hurt me. But I'm having such a hard time b/c I deeply care for him and can really see a future with him. How do I get over these issues I'm having and be more secure? Also, how do I show him that I'm not insecure and that I do trust him? My main issue was just making sure he wasn't going to be manipulated by her bs, b/c I know she's not going to back off. Will it just take time or are there ways to quickly get things back to normal.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Now he's accusing me of overreacting, not trusting him and being insecure. You are overreacting, not trusting him, and being insecure.
Hkizzle Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Although I don't have the solution I think you guys are missing her point. She knows the theory but doesn't know how to get rid of the irrational insecurity.
Author infjer Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Although I don't have the solution I think you guys are missing her point. She knows the theory but doesn't know how to get rid of the irrational insecurity. exactly. i know it's irrational and not good for the relationship.
Odyssey Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I don't really know how to get rid of insecurities (don't think you can/should completely...we need a bit to keep us safe). Maybe through therapy or something, who knows. Maybe we can change the way of looking at things... ...allow yourself to think that whatever happens that you'll be alright, you WILL survive. If he cheats, its not the end of the world, you'll deal with it! Hey, view it just like moving-on from a breakup, people pull through right? Still doesn't stop us all wanting to engage in a relationship knowing the full risk that it could end again, does it? Eventually, the insecurity thing won't take over your life.
Author infjer Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 I don't really know how to get rid of insecurities (don't think you can/should completely...we need a bit to keep us safe). Maybe through therapy or something, who knows. Maybe we can change the way of looking at things... ...allow yourself to think that whatever happens that you'll be alright, you WILL survive. If he cheats, its not the end of the world, you'll deal with it! Hey, view it just like moving-on from a breakup, people pull through right? Still doesn't stop us all wanting to engage in a relationship knowing the full risk that it could end again, does it? Eventually, the insecurity thing won't take over your life. thank you for that insight. i'm not usually insecure so that's why it was really bothering me. i've noticed a lot of extra stress in my life right now and think that has a lot to do with me being over-sensitive. just reading what you said puts things in perspective and set my mind at ease.
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