SoulSearch_CO Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Wow...I seriously had no idea how afraid I would be to "fall" for a guy again. The last time I felt this strongly about a guy was with my XH. Not "in love," for goodness' sake - I've only known the guy exactly 2 weeks. But I REALLY like him. How can you tell if a guy is just in things for sex or a relationship? I have been burned pretty badly by guys in the past and I really don't want to get headlong into what I think is a relationship with sex involved only to find out it's "casual." Here's the deal. He asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I told him my life goals. I asked him to then answer the question - he said he likes everything in his life, but if he's not in a long-term relationship by then, he'll have to figure out what he's doing wrong. He has also stated that he's "hard-wired to be in a relationship and not a constant dating pattern." We have awesome conversations and nothing turned sexual until like a week and a half after we started emailing and TBH - I started it. Before that (and yes - even after), our other emails have been very deep, intellectual, bonding, etc. I think I'm hung up on the sex thing. I just don't want to be used for sex and I keep hearing again and again that if you have sex too soon, your value is lowered in a guy's eyes. I don't think he IS only in it for sex, but I can't be sure. We first met this past Friday (10 days after first email and he drove an hour from his town to mine) and things were pretty friendly, but not a whole ton of touching. A shoulder touch here and there and that's it. Well, he knew I'd be in his town the next day (Saturday) and asked if he could see me. So we met up and went out 4X4ing for a little. When he went to drop me off at my car, he jokingly says, "OK, kiss me and then I gotta go." LOL It was so cute. I hemmed and hawed like it was a very difficult decision, but then pecked him on the lips. We talked a little, he then pulled me close and we shared a VERY nice kiss. Kissing, talking, kissing, talking...for probably 30 mins. He was late for a BBQ with his friends - kind of was blowing it off to be with me. I eventually got out so he could go. He later told me the BBQ sucked because all he could do was think of me. We had no concrete plans at that point to meet up again - knowing that my work schedule is tight and he's going out of town tomorrow night. Well, he said he just HAD to see me - when could we hook up. So I told him Monday or Tuesday. He picked Tuesday (today). Then he gave me 3 "options:" Dinner, massages (professional massage...LOL...not one given by him), or "alone time." I chose dinner because I'm not *quite* ready for sex. The chemistry is incredibly hot, btw. Well, he drove to my town for this date tonight (1-hour drive). He came in, sat across from me and leaned over the table for a kiss. Had a great dinner, then went for a walk in the park. I had already stated in the email that I felt it was too soon for sex, so he knew I wouldn't do THAT. But anyway - we started making out on a bench in the park (it faces the river - it wasn't like right next to the kiddie toys where kids were watching us). I...um...waved him onto second base. LOL The chemistry is incredible. I know that if I had said, "Let's go get a room," (long involved story as to why we can't go back to "my place"...but it's not really MY place - I'm staying with a female friend) he would have agreed to it. But I'm incredibly torn. I feel it's too early, even though I want it really bad. I don't want to screw this up. Well, his responses to me were that he wasn't pressuring me (I was pressuring myself), he's in no hurry, he can wait. When he saw me starting to get kind of hung up (body language closed down), he stands up and says, "Let's get you back to your comfort zone - look at you - your body language is frozen up." And we drove back to my car. We made out again in the car, but the kisses seemed more tender and less fiery and he pulled back from the kisses to look at me, touch my hair, look into my eyes. God, am I being incredibly stupid??? I just don't want to be used for sex, for heaven's sake. But I also don't want to scare the guy off like I have some kinds of hang-ups. I totally don't. He's going out of town for a river trip through Sunday - so pretty much camping and no phones/email. I'm not worried about it. He asked me, "So, can I see you next week?" And he asked me earlier what my day off was. Somebody give me some perspective. The R with my XH and then some others have really ****ed my head up when it comes to sex. My XH waited 3 months to have sex with me and yes, while he ended up marrying me, he turned out to be a total sleaze-ball. I really like this guy and don't want to screw it up. Oh, shiz...forgot to add...I think something that's hanging me up is that he's legally separated. He said they both understand it's an agreement to get divorced, they just have a lot in the way of assets to split. And she is also dating other people. They've been legally separated for 6 months, but were separated physically before that, and also were sleeping in separate rooms before THAT (not sure on exact timeframes).
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 With all that heat and make out sessions so soon, I don't know how you're going to be able to slow it down without appearing like you have hang ups or are teasing him. I would advise that you move with caution. The separated part concerns me. When you say he's been separated for 6 months, where does she live? Try to take your time with this guy, to get a real feel for him. He's giving you the full court press and you have no idea where he's coming from. I would also do some research on this guy. Do you have his full name so you can search to see if he has a home phone number? It never hurts to be careful.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 He owns two houses in his town. They were using the second house as a rental. She kicked out the tenant when she moved out so she could live there. So she's living in their second house. Yes, I have his full name. He's an attorney. I've checked him with the bar and I also have seen his attorney profile with the firm he works with. I've also seen his home address and phone number...and I've seen his name in newspaper articles. The separated thing is what hangs me up, too. I told him so and he said he understood.
leap83 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Slowing down is going to be hard. It seems like you're having a lot of fun so why question it? Go with the flow - I would at least. As for sex... Well, it's your call. I don't think there's really a "don't have sex now.. have sex then bla bla" rule. I know of many guys who have started off with their gfs with sex (your relationship is not like that though) and they ended up being with them for 6,7,8 years, even marrying them. So, have sex when it feels right, natural. That's my suggestion. Enjoy every bit of this - and yes, it is possible to fall for someone that fast. Experienced that 2 months ago and still can't believe it happened. Haha. I was freaking out like you are.
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 If he weren't separated, I would say relax and enjoy within reason, but separated people always concern me, judging from personal experience of being one. Out the gate men don't always burn out fast, although most do. Be cautious but don't let a good thing go, if he's a guy who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go get it. It's kind of interesting that he's an attorney. Touche's and mine were both out the gate fast attorneys but ended up steady on course. Let's see how this guy turns out.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 If he weren't separated, I would say relax and enjoy within reason, but separated people always concern me, judging from personal experience of being one. Out the gate men don't always burn out fast, although most do. Be cautious but don't let a good thing go, if he's a guy who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go get it. It's kind of interesting that he's an attorney. Touche's and mine were both out the gate fast attorneys but ended up steady on course. Let's see how this guy turns out. Thanks, TBF - I really value your opinion, truly. I'm glad you commented on my post. I'm also really glad he's going to be out of town for 4-1/2 days...give things with both of us a chance to cool down a little bit. Maybe I can get my head on straight. Thanks, Leap...we'll see where it goes.
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Thanks, TBF - I really value your opinion, truly. I'm glad you commented on my post. I'm also really glad he's going to be out of town for 4-1/2 days...give things with both of us a chance to cool down a little bit. Maybe I can get my head on straight. Thanks, Leap...we'll see where it goes. You're welcome and thanks. Yes, the 4.5 days will be good so you can clear your head. These heady brew men can really mess with the equilibrium of the most pragmatic woman. I hope others will also provide their opinions.
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