BCCA Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Actually, it could be great to let them know that I am not into one-night stand by emailing before the first date happens. How can I do that? How can a guy know before he spends money on dinner and a movie that it will be worthwhile? 999/1000 it wont. Because it is a waste of time for me. I need to drive to the location, and then I need to have an insincere conversation in a coffee shop for 1 hr. I have no idea why men want to waste their time on such hopeless meetings. Youre echoing the feelings of thousands of men, who go on expensive dates (which we almost always pay for) only to realize that the person on the other side of the table has nothing in common with you. In other words, if a woman wants to have one-night stand, it probably means that there is a specific not sexual reason for that. But, from what I understand about men, they want to have one-night stand for a simple sexual reason which is that they are horny. No offense, but I know tons of women who have one night stands for one reason: they want to get laid. There is no other non sexual reason. And most guys dont want to have one night stands with women they would seriously date. I think youre frustrated with dating, and want to simplifiy it, but it doesnt work that way. Youre just going to have to keep kissing frogs, or settle for one thats not the prince you wanted. Those are your two choices. Every horn-dog that pays $40 a month for match isnt going to go away or stop wanting sex. You just have to do the best you can to weed out the creeps, and accept the fact that the ones you do meet are just part of the dating game. The game will never change around you.
Author bac Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 You have been incredibly naive. saying EXACTLY what you're looking for. blah blah blah... NOT and intimate encounter. And realize that even in the 'real' dating world- men will still try to get your pants off, date 1, 2 and 3. Thank you. I might agree that I am naive. Because you are a female, you may give me insight on one-night stands. I maybe wrong and they are wonderful sexual experiences for a female. I just do not know about that. My major concern is how to get any pleasure from one-night stand with a stranger in 40s. Truthfully, men in 40s do not look sexy sometimes. So, my visual stimulation is questionable. What will stimulate me to become horny? Next, the man will thinks of me that I am a desperate slut who slept with everyone on match.com. and beyond. They will treat me with no respect. So, it does not turn me on as well. I am sure that those women, who practice one-night stands, think about them differently. Could you please give me an insight on the way of thinking? So, I can see things the same way as those women and therefore, I can enjoy one-night stands.
loveslife Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 There's no reason for you to become interested in one-night stands. Why would you want to do that? Continue to look for what interests you. And don't settle for less. One-night stands are not for me either. So I don't do them. Sometimes I wish I had the mentality where I could. But that feeling usually passes.
girl68 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Can it be a pic, where I am outside in short shorts during summer? I sometimes wear teens outfits because they fit me perfectly. In other words, my shorts are regular shorts that young girls put on. And, therefore the men in 40s can see my legs on the pic. Every young girl has shorts like that and they walk outside safely without being followed by men in 40s from match.com. I would say this is probably the number one reason you're attracting the guys you are. Let's face it, you're not "young" (as in early 20's) yet you dress like you are. I have only one thing to say: dress your age. You can look damn sexy, hot, sweet, smart and all that by covering up, and dressing appropriately for your age. Short shorts, mini skirts, and mid section baring shirts should never be touched by you ever again. I don't care how well they fit you... Yes, the truth hurts... you're not 25 don't dress like you are. Because you are a female, you may give me insight on one-night stands. I maybe wrong and they are wonderful sexual experiences for a female. I just do not know about that. My major concern is how to get any pleasure from one-night stand with a stranger in 40s. Truthfully, men in 40s do not look sexy sometimes. So, my visual stimulation is questionable. What will stimulate me to become horny? Next, the man will thinks of me that I am a desperate slut who slept with everyone on match.com. and beyond. They will treat me with no respect. So, it does not turn me on as well. I am sure that those women, who practice one-night stands, think about them differently. Could you please give me an insight on the way of thinking? So, I can see things the same way as those women and therefore, I can enjoy one-night stands. First of all, one nighters should be reserved for those who just want to have no strings attached sex and can seperate the feelings of love and lust from sex. I think you are either into that or you are not. And I think you are not. I don't think your problem lies in trying to figure out how to have no strings attached sex but more so the type of guys you attract are not looking for new, fun relationships that could possibly be more. Firstly, take the short shorts picture down, and put a nice face shot of you smiling, and having fun. No cleavage, no legs, none of that. Then in your profile write about what you are looking for in no more than 2 failry short paragraphs. And if you still fail try getting out there and dating. Do the obvious join clubs, classes, dinners, outtings, sports, events- whatever.
sunshinegirl Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 You have been incredibly naive. For starts, yes [b}match.com and similarly plentyoffish.com are free [/b]therefore, you're going to find a lot more "creeps" (so to speak). If you want love, sign up for the real dating site... lavalife (or whatever it is). These are not free but that fact alone might weed out some of the "creeps". Match.com isn't free and it's at least a better crop than on plentyoffish... I've had generally good experience on match, at least in the sense that I have not had men trying to get down my pants on the first date. I agree with the others, there's something about your profile or your screening abilities that is allowing the cretins in.
girl68 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Match.com isn't free and it's at least a better crop than on plentyoffish... Nope, it's not. I've been on POF... since this one actaully IS free it doens't weed out anyone...
001bh Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I could never really understand the people who use these websites. It's like they were all the socially awkward kids in high school and then when they got to college they had several unfortunate or should I say fortunate drunken one night stands which developed into a habit where they just never put any effort into trying to develop relationships. I knew several of these guys in college, (I don't know why) but they would drink a lot sometimes alone, watch a lot of porn, and just be complete horn dogs around my female friends, which would scare the girls away. So I suppose they can't deal with the real world, go online, pay for a subscription and just expect to get laid every time. Sad if you ask me.
girl68 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Um, I think you've got a very poor impression of online dating. What you say could be true and applied to many in the real world and online dating so your assumptions are dismissed as a poor generalization. I'm normal, I tried online dating. I'm not lazy nor socially akward. At the time I was on these sites was to seek another way to meet people. Sometimes, meeting strangers is hard... why not join a website that could give you a little help/ preview. So you're right- you don't understand.
caramel c Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I have recently subscribed to match.com. Many men sent me messages. I am in 40s and the men in 40s. Every man behaves in the same way. First, they do not want to get to know me by emailing. They do not want to answer and ask any questions. But, they do want to meet for a cup of coffee as soon as possible. And, they obviously want to have sex with me after coffee, even they do not say it directly. From my point of view, it is totally an unrealistic expectation, if you date on match.com. Then, if they consider to have the second date with me, they again expect that we have sex after dinner. I can not believe that the men have all these unrealistic expectations about match.com. Don't they understand that they should subscribe to the adult friend finder site to find females for one-night stand. All they have zero communication skills and have a strong belief that they are entitled for one-night stand with every female from match.com. They have no understanding, that if they want to get laid casually, they need to build some communication and rapport anyway. I can not believe it, but I have 20 messages from men in 40s like I have described and all they believe that they are entitled to have one-night stand with any stranger. There is no single message from a reasonable man who understands that match.com is not a one-night stand community. WHY would any women want to have one-night stand with them anyway? Are they crazy? Could somebody give me insight on dating men on match.com? What are all these men thinking? In my opinion, they are just wasting their time looking for one-night stands on match.com. Without ever being on match.com or reading any of the replies to your original post, just from reading yours, I am willing to bet that these men get what they're after quite often, which is why they keep going for it. I have a feeling it is very common, and you are probably some kind of an exception.
2sure Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Yep. They get it often enough at least, that they are willing to give it a shot to get more. In fact, even a man who is looking for a long term commitment will go for it if he can AND putting out or not putting out doesnt necessarily make him more or less interested. That being said...there are nearly as many women open to first or second date sex as men. They say the opposite, but are willing when it comes down to it. No wonder guys give it a shot. I dont know what to tell you except that just because a guy indicates he would like to have sex with you...if he is polite and not a pig about it, its no big deal.
ashtar Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I find that men only want sex anyways.. It's a joke to have such sites because that's what men are after in the fisrt place!
torranceshipman Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Maybe post what you#ve written in your profile here and we could see if there is anything there that guys are interpreting the wrong way?
bean1 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) I have a husband, baby, dog, and house as a result of joining Lavalife a few years ago. Here's my tip to women: 1. DON'T get to know a guy before meeting him for coffee. E-mails (especially over more than a day or so) can give you the wrong impression (ie. women fall "in love" with a profile - not a man). Just go for a coffee and enjoy it. There is no need for an expensive first date, ever! 2. DON'T drink alcohol (or more than one drink) on the first few dates. Use your brain - if he asks you to go back to his house, don't go! Also, if he does that, it doesn't mean he is a dog - perhaps he is weeding you out from the one-night pile? That sounds harsh- but go date another woman if you don't like the male brain 3. Post a good picture, preferably one that covers your body (ie. regular sweater/t-shirt and jeans). 4. Men want sex. Online or not. To think that you will find a man that won't want to have sex is foolish. It is on US, the woman, to pace the dates according to what we feel comfortable with. If you want a one-nighter, go ahead. If you want to wait, say so when the opportunity comes up. Even "good guys" (whatever that means), will be more than willing to have sex on the first date. The difference is that they will still go out on a second,third,fourth date with you if you refuse the first time. Edited October 20, 2009 by bean1 edit
Author bac Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I really do not know why I feel this way. Maybe something is wrong with me? Perhaps I am very stupied and irrational? Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations about myself and, in reality, I do not deserve anything better than being a ONC? But, If a man uses me as a ONC, just because he wants to score with a new stranger, I feel that I am a piece of trash in a trash container. This thought makes me unhappy and depressed. I want to have sex and I do not mind to have casual sex at the begining. I do not want right away exclusivity, commitment, or going into a LTR. But, I want to have emotional satisfaction from the sex. In other words , I want to feel special, valuable and desirable. I want a man, who has sex with me, has a crash on me.
ForRealLoveMe Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 No matter where you go, there will always be the chance of a person being married, out for sex, using, ect ect. That is just part of dating. You need to learn how to screen better. You said they don't ask questions, then don't go out with guys who don't ask questions. At the same time, I don't think coffee dates have much of a chance to lead up to sex. I think some of this is in your head.
bean1 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 bac, I went on a date (with my now-husband) who wanted me to come back to his place for "movies" after the 2nd date (HAH). I said no. That's all - set boundaries. Again, nearly all men hope for sex. Remember, the key is *hope. It is up to you, as the woman, to set your boundaries. A man who wants sex on the first or second date is NOT a bad man. I agree that most of this is in YOUR head. You cannot expect men (or people in general) to act only in the manner that you want. You must set boundaries and weed out those who do not meet your expectations. Remember, there are plenty of women that are more than willing to have a ONS, so essentially, those men (who only want that) are also screening you.
ADF Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 OP, you should keep in mind that the ratio of players to more serious guys on the internet is heavily skewed towards the former. That is not to say no guys online are looking for more serious relationships. However, the internet is a perfect vehicle for guys looking to hook up with large numbers of women in a short period of time. Thus, the net is crawling with guys looking for one night stands, FWB, etc. The only thing you can do is be extra dsicriminating. It sounds like you've already learned to see the signs a guy only wants a quick lay. Good luck.
Jerry18 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 maybe most of them are just social cretins who can't deal with women in the real world? Don't be too biased against men who use online dating services. Using online dating services is no different than using Amazon.com instead of driving to Bestbuy. It saves a lot of driving time and beer money.
EcstasyX6 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Bac, I met my bf online. It's really a weeding out process. I told him straight up that if you're looking for just sex, keep moving. He said that challenged him, and somewhat insulted him because he's not that type of guy. There's nothing wrong with saying what you want or don't want right away like someone said earlier, then you sift through the ONSers quickly. We spent little time e-mailing, but lots of time on the phone before we met. We had sex by the third date, but we clicked right away and have been exclusive ever since. I guess I got lucky. re. Why online date?: As a woman in my 40s, online dating worked for me because most of the people I know are married, and I don't go to clubs or bars anymore. I'm in school with people half my age, so there's really no great place to meet people my age otherwise. Men will smile or say hello to me in public places like 7 Eleven or Lowes, but I think mature men are unsure how to proceed after that thinking I'm married or not wanting to sound like a creep. Pick ups like that now feel silly whereas that sort of thing was cute in my 20s. I'm guessing some of you feel the same way or online dating wouldn't be so popular.
singlegirl Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Can it be a pic, where I am outside in short shorts during summer? I sometimes wear teens outfits because they fit me perfectly. In other words, my shorts are regular shorts that young girls put on. And, therefore the men in 40s can see my legs on the pic. Every young girl has shorts like that and they walk outside safely without being followed by men in 40s from match.com. As a 40+ woman who has online dated i completely agree with the advice , your profile is sending some kind of signal...I have never ever been expected to have sex with anyone because I make sure that it's already said and done.... I recently posted a profile and said something like this.... I am looking for someone to get to know, not a hook up or one night stand... I am seeking a man with a moral ethical code who feels the same and knows how to treat a decent woman.... I added one photo of my face and not even a head and shoulders shot...I do say I am a slender female so the ones' who may think I am trying to hide some hideouseness below the neck now I am not...lol....Remember we teach people how to treat us best of luck with it and ditch the shorts, IMHO that's the problem
EcstasyX6 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 :lmao:You guys are funny. You're not dead when you're 40! Demi Moore, Halle Berry, Brook Shields and Janet Jackson, and are all over 40. I know, I know, they're hot celebs, but many women I know are fit and sexy at this age, can definitely wears shorts including myself. If you look good in them, wear them as long as they're not daisy dukes. It's not as if she's wearing a 2 piece bikini or bending over toward the camera in the pic! Then I'd say, do cover up. IMO I just think she should hold off with the note dropping and maybe change the pic, but there's nothing wrong with shorts per se. Give me a break.
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