just-jessie Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I'm thinking of leaving my husband. I love him very much but there are issues in our marriage that have left me feeling defeated and drained. Ok H and I have been married four years, we own a home and have four dogs. We don't have any children we have lost two children at birth. He has been physically abusive on two occasions a couple years ago but the last time he saw the bruises he left and broke down crying and has walked away when things get that heated since. Now he is just hurtful and rude. I feel there is no respect for me and my feelings. I'm a very strong woman and it's killing me to take this from him, but I took my vows very seriously and if there is hope for him to be the MAN I need him to be I won't give up on this marriage. To be fair my husband has a good heart, he would do anything for anyone when asked but he def. has issues that HE needs to deal with when it comes to me and our marriage. He is not good at communication at all. Takes gets defensive anytime I try to bring things up, like I'm attacking him in the worst possible way. We don't have trust issues or money problems. If I could fix the respect factor we would have a wonderful marriage. At the risk of sounding like one of those poor battered woman who make excuses for their husband... it's not always bad we maybe fight once or twice a months and it last about a day, but when he's mad it's like the gloves are off. No holding back. When things get like this I admit I want to just get in my car grab Coco (my dog I've had since before we met) and just drive, say nothing to anyone take nothing with me but my toothbrush and clothes and walk away from it all. I feel so helpless right now (we happen to be fighting right now) and defeated. Advice would be great, knowing I'm not alone would be better. I won't go to my friends or family with our issues because they would only see him in that light from then on and I don't need that issue(my friends hating my husband) on top of this one.
Author just-jessie Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 In reading my post I'd like to apologize for the randomness of it, I was trying to get so much that I'm thinking and feeling out there that I think I jumped around to much to make it all make sense.
lastout_82 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 You came to the right place for advice, not much i can say but i can open a few doors till the Veterans get here. I hope everything works out for YOU.. You cant talk to him at all about hurtfulness or rudeness?Have you tried any kind of councling or bringing up the issue? Sometimes its best to get away from it all, not for good ofcoarse, but as like a wake up call. how old are you guys and what age did you get married?
Author just-jessie Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 I have brought up couseling (anger and marriage) I should mention that H was married before to his highschool GF. they were married for 2 years but seperated one of those years (she cheated). He has agreed to anger management before but won't now. Marriage couseling he says is a waste of money and that it doesn't work he and ex have tried it. We are 27 and 28 and have been married four years. Most of our fights are started by H making a rude comment to me and me standing up for myself. I have tried every way to go about doing this. Politely asking that he not speak to me like that and just blowing up about it. The last big BIG fight we had started like this. Our Cocker Spaniels had just had puppies (breeding is a hobby of mine) and I had had a bad day at work (my boss is a male shovinist pig) and had just gotten home and was taking care of the puppies and our dogs I was washing out the indoor kennel we keep the puppies in and had sprayed the hose just right to where I got puppy poo sprayed right back at me. (not great) so I was a little pissy. Well I go into the bedroom to undress for a much needed shower H is just waking up is 3rd shift worker. He asks what I'm doing and I tell him what's happened. He says to me jokingly "hows that breeder business looking now?" I should also mention now that I had ask him before if I could quit my job and become a full time breeder (we can live on just his income no problem) well we will talk about it he always said, kinda dismissing it as a silly dream. So I go about my business few minutes later (after my shower) I'm out feeding our dogs and step in what..... yes poo (lol) so I'm cleaning my shoe when he comes in and says again "how's that breeder business looking now?" Now I'm kinda pissed and so I give him just a firm look as to say "I'm Serious" and "baby not now that's not helpful" as I'm still cleaning my shoe. You would have thought I had just told him I cheated on him or something. His face got all red and he started yelling and cussing and or course I had had all I could take between him, my boss and the poo, and I don't just let it go this time and tell him I'm tired of never getting a bad day pass with him. He has come home so many times in a bad mood because something someone else has done to him and I allow him to be in a bad mood, I know it's not me and that he's not directly taking it out on me so I just let him be pissy. well that day I wanted my bad day pass. Well things went from bad to worse to me going to my mothers until he went to work. He never did apologize he swears he was in the right. Had he not blown up. I would have later apologized for being the slightest bit cranky with him and let him know I apprieciated him letting me be.
carhill Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 How long has he worked third shift, which I presume to be midnight to 8am or so...?
lastout_82 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 kind of selfish to say "it didnt work in my last marriage so its a waste of money" How often are you guys togather. or spend time togather. think there may be a disconnect there?
Author just-jessie Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 It's hard, him being on third shift but I don't credit that with being our problem. I think he had some kind of deep rooted Jacka$$ gene. To clearify his father, grandfather, and uncles all see their wives this way. My husband is Mr. Right compared to them. And I know he knows this is unacceptable but won't make an effort to change. I've have threatened to leave before and eventually he will start to calm down enough to listen rationally to my side of the story. But it shouldn't have to take me walking out for us to have a conversation about how to keep our marriage.
lastout_82 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Your right, shouldnt come to you leaving for him to accept his anger issues. but you have to understand what you want out of it. does this anger problem come and go or is it getting stronger every day?
Author just-jessie Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 90% of the time everything is GREAT!! we laugh, joke, go to the movies, everything is just as it should be but then out of no where he can say some of the most hurtful, disrespectful things. It's like he's someone else completely. How do you hold on to a marriage while waiting on the other one to realize he has issues and then when they finally do while he works them out?
Author just-jessie Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 BIG thanks to everyone for listening. BTW
lastout_82 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 im not telling you to start and argument, there has to be a trigger. some switch. look for it. understand it. controll it if it is you. if its him. dont bring it up when he is all pissy. wait till the iron is cold. there is no reason for someone to flip unless something made them. have you noticed anything strange when he starts acting up? something you might say? or do?
mark982 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 not to seem like i'm backing your husband,but 3rd shift just plain sucks.how is he on any other shift?
Author just-jessie Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 wow, um... I know I have faults here too. Of course I do!! but when we first met I was a hot tempered know it all independant woman who was not going to take crap off anyone. It took me about to December after we were married to realize that wouldn't work. I was pregnant with what would have been our first child when a fight started and keeping to my temper I didn't back down (I've never so much as pushed him) but things got heated and that was the first night he got violent he grabbed me by my shoulders enough my feet were not touching ground and shoved me through the bathroom door into the wall. The next night I went into early labor 22 weeks (this was not his fault completely we had just discovered I have and incompetent cervix) I was in the hospital for 2 week trying to hang on to our little baby boy thinking about what had happened and being so mad at myself for pushing him enough to go off like that when I was responsible for not only myself (however his temper I had never seen before) but then we lost our baby and when we came home he was the most loving caring person I'd ever met, trying to make sure he took care of anything I needed. But something changed in me then, and I become the one who hold my feeling I don't fire back. And to answer you question as honestly as possible. I'm sure sometimes my tone can be mistaken but mostly all I have to do is be within talking distance.
lastout_82 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Im very sorry about what you have went through. Do you belive you cannot "open" up to him now? thinking if i say the wrong thing he is going to snap? If you are in talking distance, and he throws off rude and disrespectful stuff then as hard as it may seem stay out of talking distance. You might be subject to limited or no contact. Untill he comes to you, wanting to either A) anger management B) marriage councling C) tells you and you give him the chance to change.
carhill Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Do you understand that you cannot control his actions? You can only control yourself and behave in a manner which you believe is healthy. Is he generally an angry person, or is he just angry at you? My instinct is he is harboring a lot of resentment and perhaps is projecting past pain onto you. If he doesn't want to get to the bottom of that and communicate with you in a healthy way, I don't hold out much hope. The toothbrush, clothes and dog idea would be my choice too.
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