Miss Stress Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 My amazing boyfriend didn't take a vacay last yr so he has 4 wks of vacation. He is going to South America for 3 weeks. Before he leaves he's taking me to a spa resort for a week. Our relationship is so incredible right now. Our sex life is amazing. Everything is perfect, but my heart is breaking. I'm scared. Three weeks in an amazing city like Rio and Buenos Aires away from the stresses of life I just fear he may meet someone. You know that state of mind when you're on vacation? It can be like a high. I'm not meaning to be insecure. I'm just a realist. He's extremely attractive and has a beautiful personality, and he's American in a poor country. So women are going to hit on him, ALOT! Is there a way for me to ask if being faithful to me is important to him w/o sounding like I don't trust him? w/o hurting our relationship? I want to share my fears and concerns with him. I'm always honest w/him and I don't hide anything from him. But I don't know how to share my feelings w/o hurting him or offending him or making him feel defensive??? Am I just supposed to ASSume that he will be faithful? I don't like to ASSume. We have only been exclusive since April but we've been friends for 3 yrs. I know what happened the last time he traveled to these places b/c we were only friends, so he shared all the details freely. Before we were a couple he used to talk about "MOVING" to Brazil. Like most peo (n/c myself) he said American women have nothing on Brazilian women. I agree. Fact is fact. But I also know he loves me very much. I need to know what he wants. I don't want all these fears to erupt or grow while he's gone for 3 WEEKS! I don't want to be the little woman back home who stays faithful while her man plays Don Juan. Any advice on how to share my fears w/o making him feel that he isn't making me feel loved? I do, I really do. But the concept of "cheating" doesn't exist in some cultures. Esp. Latin. There are men that don't count what they do in Vegas, much less in another country and on vacation. I need to protect my heart and my health. I need to ask, but I oh soo don't really want to and I don't know HOW?
Svenn Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 We have only been exclusive since April but we've been friends for 3 yrs. I know what happened the last time he traveled to these places b/c we were only friends, so he shared all the details freely. Before we were a couple he used to talk about "MOVING" to Brazil. Like most peo (n/c myself) he said American women have nothing on Brazilian women. I agree. Fact is fact. Speaking as a young guy ( I assume your bf is young too?) that's traveled to Latin and Asian countries extensively, it sounds like there's a 90%+ probability that he's going to cheat. The very fact that he's told you he's played around while traveling before, that he's going for 3 weeks ALONE (omg) to this place, and that you've only been with him since April and think there's "love" between you (i dunno, maybe there is) all contribute to make me very suspicious of this situation. I personally wouldn't care that much if my gf wanted to go to Sweden for a few weeks to be with some blonde guys, because we're only 24 years old and I feel like sex is a very important part of the human experience- I don't want to stifle and destroy whatever sexual dreams she may have had just because it would hurt my feelings for a while. Now I categorically DON'T want her finding another soulmate, but one night stands in Rio aren't a big deal. All I'm saying is, it's as big of a deal as you want to be... the fact that you're so worried about it and he's so freely going to do it makes me think you guys aren't the best match just yet in your lives? hope that's useful
norajane Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I know what happened the last time he traveled to these places b/c we were only friends, so he shared all the details freely. If you've been friends for 3 years, you should be able to tell him what you wrote above and tell him you're concerned what he might get into when an opportunity to cheat presents itself. Ask him if he's given that any thought.
Author Miss Stress Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Both comments very helpful. We're in our early 30's and have both traveled alot and had alot of options and variety in our lives. We dated for awhile but he was really honest about not wanting to jumping n2 a relationship until he was ready. So we both dated other people until about last fall. We've been best friends for a long time. So we've been there for ea other thru alot in life. We're still best friends. We're just lovers too and he asked me to be his gf in April, which he said is a really big deal to him and something he takes really seriously. He is going w/a group of friends. Yes, the logical side of me says he's going to party and get laid. But he could do that here. He doesn't need to go to another country to do that. I just fear that if he really does love me as much as he says he does that my doubts will hurt him. I don't want to mention anything he did before we dated. I don't think that's fair ... ???
Svenn Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 He is going w/a group of friends. Yes, the logical side of me says he's going to party and get laid. But he could do that here. He doesn't need to go to another country to do that. He sort of does though, because actually in Brazil he's likely to have a lot easier access to more attractive women than he would in the U.S. Moreover he doesn't need to be around you for 3 weeks so it's like the perfect environment. Just call him all the time on his cell if you're really worried about it. Maybe I've been hanging around the wrong crowds but most of the single male or group of male travelers and for that matter permanent residents I've met in Asia and Latin America are highly interested in the sexual opportunities in those countries. I just fear that if he really does love me as much as he says he does that my doubts will hurt him. I don't want to mention anything he did before we dated. I don't think that's fair ... ??? Your doubts should have little effect on his love for you... any rational person knows this trip sounds really weird!! Seeing how he reacts to your confrontation on this matter is an opportunity to see what his plans are. If he showers you with "of course not baby!!" 's or he gets angry, then you know he might be planning to cheat since those reactions demonstrate stress.
norajane Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 He is going w/a group of friends. Yes, the logical side of me says he's going to party and get laid. But he could do that here. He doesn't need to go to another country to do that. Hmm, yes, but the "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" mentality can kick in with some guys when they're out of town and in a licentious environment. I just fear that if he really does love me as much as he says he does that my doubts will hurt him. I don't want to mention anything he did before we dated. I don't think that's fair ... ??? If he loves you, he'll want to address your fears and reassure you. Why would you think he'd want you to have this fear gnawing away at you for 3 weeks when you could have discussed it with him? Love and dating does NOT mean that you have to hold your fears in and never, ever bring up something that troubles you. You don't have to hide your feelings in order to keep someone's love.
loveslife Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I definitely think you should discuss your feelings with him. Like someone else said, if he loves you he'd want to reassure you. It could be scary to talk to him because it seems you're really afraid he will be with someone else. But IME if you don't say something it will eat away at you and could cause problems. Try and muster the strength to discuss this with him. I think it'll make both of you feel better.
Author Miss Stress Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 He sort of does though, because actually in Brazil he's likely to have a lot easier access to more attractive women than he would in the U.S. Moreover he doesn't need to be around you for 3 weeks so it's like the perfect environment. Just call him all the time on his cell if you're really worried about it. Maybe I've been hanging around the wrong crowds but most of the single male or group of male travelers and for that matter permanent residents I've met in Asia and Latin America are highly interested in the sexual opportunities in those countries. Your doubts should have little effect on his love for you... any rational person knows this trip sounds really weird!! Seeing how he reacts to your confrontation on this matter is an opportunity to see what his plans are. If he showers you with "of course not baby!!" 's or he gets angry, then you know he might be planning to cheat since those reactions demonstrate stress. That's what I thought too. But I just wanted to hear feedback from others. I know how easy it is. I have gf's that are from Brazil. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Author Miss Stress Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Hmm, yes, but the "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" mentality can kick in with some guys when they're out of town and in a licentious environment. My thoughts exactly. I know he loves me very much. I don't really think he's "planning" on cheating. We have a very healthy sexual relationship. I know he's crazy for me. But he's human and it's Brazil. I mean even the strongest man w/the best intentions is only human. Add to that the women are willing and peer pressure and alcohol and yea, I know. If he loves you, he'll want to address your fears and reassure you. Why would you think he'd want you to have this fear gnawing away at you for 3 weeks when you could have discussed it with him? He and his friends were initially planning on going to Germany. But he was going to see a female friend there and I got upset so he canceled his plans. Then he tried to plan a vacay w/the two of us but I couldn't take the time off work. So he and his friends planned this last minute. That's why I'm being so sensitive about bringing up my fears. He already cxd his plans once. He has to take the time or he'll lose it. So I'm trying to have faith and give him the benefit of the doubt. But I'm falling apart over the reality. Love and dating does NOT mean that you have to hold your fears in and never, ever bring up something that troubles you. You don't have to hide your feelings in order to keep someone's love. Thanks for sharing.
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