Foul weather friend... ?

[writergal]

What is the best way to respond to a foul weather friend (much worse than fair weather b/c there was more invested)? I don't care as much about the acquaintance who betrayed my confidence, as much as I care about the 5 year friendship I have with this other woman, who I've had major problems with in the past. 2x now, I've asked this woman I've been friends with for 5 years, to be a better friend to me (i.e. be honest with me, show me more emotional support as I've shown her in the past, stop giving me the silent treatment when she gets mad at me, etc.), and 2x she's refused to change. She even sent me a rather long-winded, blaming email full of passive-aggressive language that I refused to respond to and have ignored. I have not communicated with her or this mutual acquaintance since. And we remain "friends" on FB. Should I delete them both?

 

And although the 3 of us are FB friends, we have not exchanged IM's or emails or made comments on each others pages for the entire summer.

 

Then this morning, the friend who betrayed my trust IM'ed me, asking me how I was doing. At first I ignored her IM, but she kept pestering me to respond. So then I responded that I don't have time for fair weather friendships anymore and that if she wants to call me to talk and apologize for betraying my confidence in her, she's welcome to. Well, she didnt respond to me after that, and logged off. Then a few minutes later, my friend of 5 years exchanged cryptic comments with her about "We hate crickets...so proud of you." I have no idea if I am just reading into that and its nothing to do with me. But I did wonder if it was meant for me to read.

 

We're all 38...going on 13, with this drama, it feels to me. Luckily, I have another group of separate friends whom I regularly see and communicate with who lack the drama of these 2 women.

 

Does it mean I lack the street smarts if I can't discern between fair/foul weather friends and genuine friends before I get hurt?

 

Clearly, I was wrong to trust my acquaintance who I thought I was creating a stronger bond with, by confiding in her about our mutual friend. I asked her not to say anything to my friend of 5 years but she did anyway, to create a stronger bond of loyalty with her it would seem. And yet I come out the loser in this triangulation of drama.

 

 

What is the best way to handle this situation aside from just deleting them both from my FB friends list.

[Flyleaf7889]

Well, where do you see the relationship going if you were to rekindle your friendship? Do you see a similar incident ahead, or do you actually see your bonds improving and your friendship becoming stronger?

 

If you think that they're going to hurt you again, maybe it's best to just drop them and move on. Like you said, you have other friends who aren't like this, and instead of worrying about these people, you could be focusing on these new friendships.

However, if you think that you have something to gain from them, try forgiving them and offering them a second chance. Who knows, maybe this will all just blow over and you'll laugh about it one day?

 

It really depends on where you see this all going. Don't set yourself up for a pain, but don't wreck something that could possibly be good a relationship in the future.

 

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. =)

[writergal]

Flyleaf:

 

If I look into the future, I see this woman I've had a 5-year friendship with doing exactly the same type of manipulative behavior with me; not taking any responsibility for her actions and lying on top of that.

 

She's mutual friends with 3 friends of mine whom I have great friendships with. So, it worries me that she will talk behind my back since she is the type of woman who "collects" friendships like trinkets, only to pull them off her shelf when she sees fit. She has a large quantity of acquaintances and very few close friends. She's married to a man whom she had an affair with (her 2nd husband) when he was married. So she's not above manipulating people to get what she wants.

 

What really gets my goat is she's good friends with my former undergraduate English professor whom I introduced her to at a party. Now I rarely get any more social invitations from my former English professor, but hear about it on FB when my friend updates her status when those two have got together.

 

Do you think I should have responded to her nasty email to me that I posted about? As I said before, I never responded to her email because I thought it would be better to talk in person. If I were to email her, she could use it against me with our mutual friends. Or, I could just be paranoid.

 

What's even more awkward is that we're in the same graduate program at the same university. When I told her a few months ago that I was due to student teach in the spring, instead of congratulating me, she commented on my FB page "wow - you're way ahead of me in the program, aren't you" which I thought was really rude. She has been in the program for 4 years but going part-time. I've been in the program 2 years going full-time b/c I'm single with no children.

 

She brings out paranoia in me, like no one else. (I don't trust her and no longer confide in her. When my ex-bf and I were a couple, I introduced them. Well, they've maintained their friendship since he broke up with me. And during the on-off times he and I dated this summer, I never confided to her about what was going on. This really irritates me b/c he's a teacher and has connections and getting into teaching is really difficult if you don't network, and I'm jealous that he'd help her get a job but not me..that's just me being immature I guess). And none of my other close friendships or social acquaintances leave me feeling paranoid or manipulated when I spend time with them.

 

I trust everyone but her, b/c of how she's deceived me and how distorted her perceptions of me are. In her email to me, she said she didn't feel comforted by me anymore, accused me of hating her husband (whom I've always liked and never said anything negative about to her) and all men (which is a ridiculous lie), and being a clingy, needy friend to her (which is also a lie b/c I rarely spoke to her in the past 2 years, and went to several other close friends for emotional support and not her). There's a lot more in the email that she accuses me of being that isn't true. It makes me think she's looking for excuses to antagonize me in order to end the friendship, which seems so passive-aggressive to me. Why not just talk to me about any issues or problems she has?

 

When her husband was out of the country for 3 years, who supported her emotionally with long phone calls and long talks in person? Me. Whenever she needed anything she would call and ask me, and if I was available, I always made myself available to her, to help her, especially when her mother died last year. But whenever i needed any emotional support from her, she used her 3 daughters, or some other reason as an excuse to not be available for me the way I made myself available to her. I feel totally mainpulated and taken advantage of. Of course I would like to delete her and this other woman from my FB page, since FB is just a social internet website and nothing more. I feel like I'm in a limbo place right now with this woman. We've both been logged onto FB at the same time, but we're both being stubborn (well, I am, I don't know if she's being stubborn or just doesnt' care and is ignoring me) by not IM'ing or emailing or calling each other. So we're both cowards who want to avoid a confrontation or any conflict.

 

But I need to take some action so I can feel empowered and release this stagnant friendship that is just toxic to me in the end. I want to get my power back from this toxic friendship, but I don't know the best way to do that.