gd26 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I was involved with a man back in 2000-2002. It was a very high drama interaction. I was 18 when I met him, and he was 22. He wanted me to be his girlfriend, and I was wishy-washy at the time... as we weren't compatible (I wasn't attracted to him, and he was hostile and demeaning to me trying to force me to commit to him - which only made me more wary of commitment. He also would touch me sexually even though I wasn't comfortable, which only made me feel used). I kept going on/off with him as I was lonely and was emotionally attached to him despite the lack of physical attraction. He and I both said some pretty awful things to each other, and deeply hurt one another. My family wasn't happy about our interaction either - as they always saw me sitting on the phone in tears talking with him, and wanted me to be a happier person. Eventually he met someone else 1.5 years later (he claimed we were 'off' at the time, though I felt we were still in an unresolved ambiguous state and considered it 'cheating') - and I became very upset and reacted badly. When I found out a short time later that he and the other woman had gotten engaged, I flipped out and wrote her a letter telling her that it was very cruel of her to get involved with a guy who was still involved with me. At that point, his sister stepped in and told me to leave them alone. So I did, as I felt humiliated, and I've never contacted him or his family since (this was in early 2004). Anyway, it's 5 years later, and I'm a totally different person now. I've been involved with a few guys since, each time learning so much more about relationships. I now handle breakups gracefully and with class, and I don't allow myself to get so emotionally charged in that way. I also have become much more assertive and don't allow anyone to touch me in a way that I'm not comfortable with. The thing is that karma came back to me strongly. Since being involved with him, I have been in the opposite situation with guys, where I deeply cared for two guys (after him) who didn't care about me in the same way and were ambivalent. I have gotten a first hand taste of what it feels like to be strung along, and it feels horrible. The only justification that I give myself to feel better though is that I treated the next 2 guys with a lot of love and kindness and never was emotionally abusive with them or touched them aggressively (the way the first guy did with me). Not that this justifies my stringing him along due to my own loneliness of not having any other person, but at least it was that we both treated each other poorly. I have wondered recently if I should ever go back and apologize to the first guy. I haven't talked to him since that drama 5 years ago, and I have long moved on to men who were more compatible with me. I assume he's married now, but even if he isn't, I have not the slightest interest in getting back with him in any way. I am not seeking a friendship with him either, though I'd simply like to be on better terms and not have either of us still holding grudges. It's just that I understand his situation a lot more now after having been in it myself. I wish I could tell him that I understand the pain of being strung along, and also that I don't blame him anymore for getting involved with that woman. Yes, he and I should have officially ended things rather than being in an unresolved state where he was still flirting with me... but at the same time, I understand that he was hurt and looking for someone who truly cared about him and was attracted to him. Part of me feels like staying out of his life is a good idea, and part of me wonders if I should ever apologize to him for the craziness I put him through (he put me though a lot of pain as well, but I won't bring that up). I haven't seen him at all in the last 5 years as he lives across the country from me (last I knew). But he's on facebook, and I have thought about sending him an apology message through there. If we had ended things amicably I wouldn't have any interest in contacting him again, but since his last experience of me was that of me falling apart and writing his fiancee - I wonder if I should at least send him a more mature note wishing him the best and apologizing for my immaturity. Thoughts? Would any of you want an ex-ex-ex to apologize to you years later? Or would you rather the past drama just stay buried?
boldjack Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 No, it's over and done with. Live your life and allow him to live his, in peace.:)
Road To Joy Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Personally, I would want to let it be. If it's 5 years later, he got engaged, etc etc. I don't think he would want to hear an apology of something that happened so long ago. Don't open up old wounds. If it's really bugging you, strike up a conversation. And if you two are really getting along and you see you both totally wouldn't be affected by this, then give a quick apology. Good luck.
xxSRMxx Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 hmmmm I kinda know what u mean on this one. I too, when I was 18 got into a relationship with somebody and behaved like a complete cow. I turned a perfectly stable 21 year old guy into a paranoid woman beating mess. I was an immature, spoilt, selfish 18 year old who was greiving for her dads death and not handling anything. I lied and manipulated him to do whatever i wanted. I am so ashamed of the relationship and the way i behaved sometimes id love to just apologise to him. I too, have changed, Im still learning though, but i have been manipulated, lied too by men, My hearts been broken several times (i have a broken one now) Karmas a bitch right?? I'd love to apologise to him, but to be honest i dont think itd mean anything. I feel the need alot to call him or send him an email just to apologise but lets be honest, its only to make ourselves feel better, an apology wont make much difference to him if hes moved on! Im going against what everybody has said so far and i think u should apologise! sometimes I think about the people who have broke my heart and id love to get an apology. if u feel u shud apologise then do it.
Ronni_W Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 gd, The way I'm interpreting your post, how you acted in that relationship was due to your age/inexperience -- there is no need to apologize for the various stages of growth and development that we do and must go through. If the guy is thinking about you at all these days (which I highly doubt), most likely he'll have been able to put it into context of you being only 18 and lacking emotional maturity at that time. At this point, he either does or does not have a positive image of you. Your FaceBook message to "prove" your current level of maturity isn't going to change however he does remember you (if you even are part of his memories from that time.) But. You are feeling badly/guilty about how you're currently perceiving you handled your side of things way back when. I do understand that part. The piece that's missing is your self-understanding and self-forgiveness. I strongly suspect that you did the best you could at the time...it's kind of unfair of you, to use your current knowledge, wisdom and skills to beat-up on your 18-year old self. (That's kind of like feeling embarrassed and not getting over it today, for needing diapers when you were an infant.) IMO, it would be perfectly fine to accept that you were young and didn't know any better; and to forgive yourself for whatever you're now judging you did so "wrong." Plus. The guy was a jerk to you! It sounds as if you have been able to put his actions into a more accurate context...but you haven't yet done that for yourself, perhaps? I also think to just not go back to his FaceBook page. That can't be doing your mental-emotional self a lick of good!
norajane Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Part of me feels like staying out of his life is a good idea, Listen to this part of you. Tell the rest to a therapist. It's over. Move on. And stop looking at his facebook page.
Thornton Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 My ex was a complete arse and he beat me up numerous times. I haven't seen him since. 8 or 9 years later he bumped into my mother at the bus stop and told her to tell me sorry for his past behaviour, because he had matured somewhat and now had a partner and kids etc, but he realised that he had treated me badly all those years ago and he was sorry. Even after all that time, it was still nice to receive an apology. More recently, an ex who cheated on me emailed me six months later to apologise - just a random email with no intent other than to clear his conscience. I replied and accepted gracefully, and heard no more from him - but again, it was nice to receive an apology. So, my advice is that if you've done something you now regret then it's never too late to apologise, even if it changes nothing. If someone was really hurt by your actions they'll always appreciate an apology, no matter how late it is - even if they respond with anger, at least you cleared your conscience by apologising.
Author gd26 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Thank you all for the perspectives; I really appreciate it. Listen to this part of you. Tell the rest to a therapist. It's over. Move on. And stop looking at his facebook page. I just wanted to clarify this point though. The reason I have thought about apologizing to him is because I HAVE moved on, not the opposite. Even though I was involved with a few guys since this first guy, I never considered apologizing to him previously because I was still hurt and upset by the way he treated me. I still held a grudge deep down. It's only recently that I have finally forgiven him for his behavior, and I realize how much my own behavior contributed to his pain. That's why the idea of apologizing to him has arisen. As far as Facebook goes, I haven't checked his Facebook at all... as he and I aren't Facebook friends. I merely noticed on one occasion that he had a listing there, though I didn't check his actual page.
deux ex machina Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 After all of this time, it is best to let it rest. I don't know what I'd think if someone came apologizing to me after it's been so long. I'd wonder if they were working the 12 steps or something.
Author gd26 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 So, my advice is that if you've done something you now regret then it's never too late to apologise, even if it changes nothing. If someone was really hurt by your actions they'll always appreciate an apology, no matter how late it is - even if they respond with anger, at least you cleared your conscience by apologising. He was deeply hurt by me, as I was the only woman he was involved with before his fiancee. We were each other's first kiss, and first romantic involvement. When things were falling apart at the end, he admitted that he used to cry all the time over me (though I didn't realize that I meant so much to him before that). I didn't realize he cared because he used to come off as so hostile and angry and insulting to me.... and the anger was coming from a place of hurt. (I am not at all condoning his behavior, but I do understand where it was coming from.) When I got so upset after he got involved with the other woman, he was stunned - as he said that he didn't think that I cared enough about him. His mother told me the other girl was pushing him to marry her, but he was hesitant as he still had feelings for him. Even though I know now that we weren't compatible, I still feel bad that he and I went through so much hurt. I don't want to have him as a friend, especially not if he is still with that other woman (since my presence would certainly make her feel threatened, and I have no interest in doing that). I simply have entertained the idea of sending him 1 single apology note and nothing more. I never previous apologized for my behavior to him, as 5-7 years ago I was the one blaming him for our problems. But now I'm able to understand his side of things as much as my own, and I can see that I did much wrong to him... not out of malice, but simply out of immaturity.
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 He's been engaged for a number of years. Let it go. In order to let it go, you have to not only forgive him, which it sounds like you've done but also, forgive yourself. You don't need his forgiveness. He's already moved on and any contact will probably open up old wounds in both of you. Must you hurt him and yourself, again?
Author gd26 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 gd, The way I'm interpreting your post, how you acted in that relationship was due to your age/inexperience -- there is no need to apologize for the various stages of growth and development that we do and must go through. Thank you; your post means a lot to me, as it is the first time I have thought about things this way. People often tell me that I am too hard on myself. I always try to hold myself to high standards, but maybe I do need to cut myself some slack. I will think about what you have written, as I need to digest it more. This guy was the first guy I was ever involved with, and one of my first close interactions with men (as I didn't have any brothers or close male friends growing up). I honestly didn't know how to handle things with him, and I didn't realize how much I was hurting him by being wish-washy. If I had been at the level of maturity that I am now, I certainly would never have acted the way I did with him.
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