sunshinegirl Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I'm wondering how to handle this. Had a first date last week with what seems like a promising guy. But I'm getting annoyed at what I am reading as passive behavior - he relies entirely on text messages to communicate with me even when I specifically ask him to call me. He has at least twice texted "call me anytime you'd like to chat". He's also been sort of forgetful - forgot I was overseas two weeks ago even though we had protracted conversations about the fact that I would be gone for a week and unable to get together. He forgot the time of our date and thought he was 20 mins late (when he was actually 10 mins early); he seems not to remember that I gave him my email address because my match subscription was ending. Last Wednesday, I told him I had some free time Sunday to get together, and I assumed he would follow up to make plans. I didn't hear from him until about 3pm on Sunday, via text, to learn that he'd been sick all weekend (dizzy from something) and I should/could call him anytime. I texted back to say I was sorry to hear he's under the weather, hope he gets better soon, and to "call me when you do feel better." So - just now? He texts me to say hello and that he's buying the second season of this TV show that I like and that he'll share it with me. I should be thinking it's cute and nice that he's thinking of me, but I'm seriously getting fed up with his reliance on SMS for communication, and I am further annoyed that he seems to be ignoring my blatant suggestions and requests to CALL. Am I overreacting? It's a real preference of mine that men initiate and not put women in the position of initiating with them. I've never had a relationship go well where I was in the 'driver's seat' and I can't help but interpret a man's reluctance to dial a woman's phone number as some kind of insecurity or passive tendency. It's starting to feel like a power struggle - you call me; no, YOU call ME! How should I handle this?
kizik Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 No, you're not overreacting. He is acting like a 14-year-old girl. Tell him politely that YOU require phone communication. See what his response is. If it's a TEXT, then you know you have a little boy, instead of a man, on your hands. As far as him making you the pursuer, that's also a problem because you are uncomfortable being in that position. Tell him you need him to call you sometimes, at least half the time. Or else this thing isn't going to go anywhere for you.
Bleeve Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 the girl I am talking to is the same way.......she explained to me early on that she prefers to text so it hasn't been an issue with me ......but in your situation a little compromise on his part would be nice it seems
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Are you two exclusive yet? No, we've gone out once. But if this continues we will never be exclusive because I'll cut things off!
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Silence sandwich. You've made reasonable requests. TBH, he sounds uninterested or he's a dolt, meaning he doesn't have the intellectual capacity for interpersonal relationships. At 41, either he's spending too much time with his nose in a 'jerks get the babes' book, or he's hopelessly entrenched on a path likely far different than your own. Sorry I don't have better news...
Odyssey Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 ...If it's a TEXT, then you know you have a little boy, instead of a man... or he's poor and unemployed like me Even though texting is free it's unlikely though, i would still WANT to call.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 No, we've gone out once. But if this continues we will never be exclusive because I'll cut things off!I think he's still on the prowl, or possibly juggling. You're on his mind but not enough to suit what you require. I get it because if I'm relationship hunting, this part attention, just won't do. I need to be his priority. Flaw or not, it's who I am. I think that's who you are too.
kizik Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 SSG, it's not like you're asking a lot. You want a guy to call you. Don't compromise these very elementary aspects of dating, just because you (like me) want to meet someone awesome. This guy is NOT awesome.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 or he's poor and unemployed like me He's definitely not poor or unemployed... I think he's still on the prowl, or possibly juggling. You're on his mind but not enough to suit what you require. I get it because if I'm relationship hunting, this part attention, just won't do. I need to be his priority. Flaw or not, it's who I am. I think that's who you are too. Funny, I don't mind juggling for a little while - I don't expect men to want exclusivity with me immediatelyrightnow. But I do expect men to respond positively to requests that are very easy to comply with - and which are, essentially, an invitation to get to know me better! If you're interested in me, don't you want to get to know me? I suspect I have a man-child on my hands. His profile says he's divorced, but I don't know any details at all at this point. Maybe the wife got fed up with this kind of behavior too? The question for me now is: do I cut my losses now, as CH suggests, or is there one more chance where I lay down the law like kizik suggests and give him one more chance to dial my digits? (That sounds dirty)
kizik Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 The question for me now is: do I cut my losses now, as CH suggests, or is there one more chance where I lay down the law like kizik suggests and give him one more chance to dial my digits? (That sounds dirty) Dude, you give him one more chance. My feeling is that you haven't been vocal enough about your needs.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 If you're okay with only having part of his attention, how can you lose by giving him another opportunity?
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 There's no real harm in giving him another shot, though short of a frying pan to the head I don't know how to be more clear about wanting him to call. I'm thinking of ignoring the texts for now, waiting to see if he calls me tonight; if he doesn't, then I reply to the text tomorrow saying I need ("require") phone communication. Anybody have some good language I could use that's firm and clear but not b!tchy? (i.e. I probably shouldn't include 'man-child' in my text...)
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Did I ever tell you how much I can't stand texting? So call me!
deux ex machina Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 "I like the personal touch - texting isn't for convos, it's for reminders to pick up movie tickets." If he doesn't get the hint, let him know you find texting to be annoying (tell him you're a Luddite). If he still doesn't get the hint, he's being deliberately obtuse about it, in every way, forever and ever, amen.
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Or, silence sandwich until he calls. 'God, it's been ages since you called. How have you been?' If he doesn't call, then you've already cut your losses, since you'll be entertaining new potentials during that time who perhaps do understand the value and romance in aural communication
deux ex machina Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Even better. Tell him you're into men who... ... do understand the value and romance in aural communication Those words just roll off the tongue.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 If this has turned into a power struggle, any form of admonishment will make you look like someone demanding. It's up to you how casual and uncaring, you want to make it sound. I'm direct with someone who I'm interested in, for a relationship. I'm totally uncaring if I'm just playing around and multi-dating.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 If this has turned into a power struggle, any form of admonishment will make you look like someone demanding. It's up to you how casual and uncaring, you want to make it sound. I'm direct with someone who I'm interested in, for a relationship. I'm totally uncaring if I'm just playing around and multi-dating. That bolded part relates to my central struggle in relationships: namely that I don't speak up ENOUGH about my needs because I fear being perceived as a b!tch. (Last BF got away with a lot of crap because I was afraid to put my foot down.) Hence me needing advice about how to be direct and forthright without coming across as (unreasonably) demanding. I don't know this guy well enough to know how interested in him I am. There's another guy on the scene who is behaving better (more direct communication etc) but I don't want to go romantic on that guy because he has 3 kids from a previous marriage - we're just running buddies. Wish this guy would communicate the way runner guy does!
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 OK, now listen to yourself. Single father of three behaves better and makes time to communicate in a manner you find acceptable and attractive, and he also makes time to be a running buddy. Now, there's a loser if I ever saw one
Enema Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I hate talking on the phone. Can't do it. Talking face to face or online, I do great. Phones, I got nothing... Also, I hate to SMS, seems like a waste of time and money for a series of tiny messages.
clv0116 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 There's no real harm in giving him another shot, though short of a frying pan to the head I don't know how to be more clear about wanting him to call. Is there some reason you don't just call him?
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 The guy's a dolt. Why add indignity to insult? If the genders were reversed, I'd be calling her to lose my number, but, given the information offered in the OP, she'd likely have already done that, accidentally
clv0116 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 The guy's a dolt. Why add indignity to insult? I work in an office full of engineers, it sounds like par for the course. He might be a reasonably nice albeit slightly socially retarded guy. Fits with the absent mindedness also.
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Yeah, I was a non-forgetful engineer and that didn't stop the dump-mobile, so why should he be exempt? I'll own the socially retarded part. Seriously, IMO, it's just a bad fit. A person can be a fabulous human being but just a poor candidate for a particular interpersonal relationship. If the OP lived on the Net and her whole world revolved around texting on her PDA and not caring whether he remembered anything or not, then he'd be a god. Alas, that's not the case. Another day, better potentials...
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