Hkizzle Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Caliguy mentioned there was a red flags thread, with regard to signs that someone is a bitch or a jerk. I can't find that thread, or if there isn't one. Anyone care to give their inputs?
Author Hkizzle Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Oh and i mean EARLY indicators, not something you find 6 months into a relationship.
kizik Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Biggest red flag I should have taken note of: talking bad about people with whom she was supposedly close. Can only imagine the trash she talked about me.
paddington bear Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Talking about their ex = not over them, either still in love, or still bitter Insisting they will call you but you can't call them = possibly you're a fling on the side. Telling you upfront you are too good for them, or they have baggage = you are too good for them, they do have baggage Only wanting to see you sporadically and usually not on weekends (unless this is work-related) = they are keeping their eyes peeled for someone better, or are seeing someone more worthy of weekend time
kizik Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Oh, and saying, after dating for only two weeks: "I'd marry you tomorrow if you asked." I should have run for the f*cking hills... instead, I played into this little princess' game of control, initiated by sex too soon.
New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 When he says he's not as nice as you think he is, believe him.
CaliGuy Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Last girl I dated, no joke, second date she said "Let's just get married and get it over with..." Yeah. "Ms Insecurity" at it's finest. Red flags can be anything that alerts you that "This person might have issues that I can't deal with." So to each person those red flags will be different. You can continue to date even if you see the red flags. The important part is to NOT IGNORE THEM. Pay attention to them and keep them in mind as you evaluating this person. They may not matter right now but if you're thinking long term and possibly marriage you should absolutely keep those red flags in mind when you make a decision to stay or go.
deux ex machina Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Oh and i mean EARLY indicators, not something you find 6 months into a relationship. I think it's important to keep on eye how the communication is going. Does s/he call when they say they will? Are there certain patterns as to when they will call you, or don't? Do they only use text, e-mail, or IM? Taking note of these may very well save someone from a "Doh! I should've known..." experience later.
lora22 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Last girl I dated, no joke, second date she said "Let's just get married and get it over with..." Yeah. "Ms Insecurity" at it's finest. Red flags can be anything that alerts you that "This person might have issues that I can't deal with." So to each person those red flags will be different. You can continue to date even if you see the red flags. The important part is to NOT IGNORE THEM. Pay attention to them and keep them in mind as you evaluating this person. They may not matter right now but if you're thinking long term and possibly marriage you should absolutely keep those red flags in mind when you make a decision to stay or go. I think it's important to keep on eye how the communication is going. Does s/he call when they say they will? Are there certain patterns as to when they will call you, or don't? Do they only use text, e-mail, or IM? Taking note of these may very well save someone from a "Doh! I should've known..." experience later. These are both really good. Taken together, the topic might be covered
Author Hkizzle Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I think it's important to keep on eye how the communication is going. Does s/he call when they say they will? Are there certain patterns as to when they will call you, or don't? Do they only use text, e-mail, or IM? Taking note of these may very well save someone from a "Doh! I should've known..." experience later. Ok most of the points are good so far. I'm a bit confused with texting though. Many people are busy at work etc, and text because they don't want a call during office hours? Texting all the time at night of course is different.
deux ex machina Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Ok most of the points are good so far. I'm a bit confused with texting though. Many people are busy at work etc, and text because they don't want a call during office hours? Texting all the time at night of course is different. I hear you about the working thing - makes perfect sense then. However, if the vast majority of communicating is done via text --then Houston, we have a problem. It's such a cold medium for one thing (imho) - just a "low effort/involvement/dashing it off" type of deal. Perfect for those who, for various and sundry reasons like to keep someone at arm's length...but still *ping* them. No any emotional energy is being expended, shared. Of course, this isn't automatically so, but it's certainly something to suss out if there's a reason to believe this could be the case. The medium seems perfect for a string-along type of situation developing. If you think about it: You have the ideal - which is face-to-face - you pick up all of it, from pheromones, facial expression, the way he moves his hands, looks at you...you have it, that connection.Then you the phone, next in line as far as closeness goes. You can still connect on the phone, though. It's real time, you get to hear them sigh, laugh.Text is pretty inferior in comparison. Where's the chance for real emotional involvement? They are pretty easy to misinterpret, as well. For some people, perhaps this is not an issue? Maybe love speaks to me in a different way than it does to someone else. I hope I helped explain that a little better.
BCCA Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Hkizzle, Can I ask you something? A lot of your threads seem like general questions, and Ive come to get the suspicion that you may be writing some sort of research paper or something, is that true? Because if so, you might want to let people know why you are asking these questions, and what you intend to do with the results. I realize that this is a public forum, but using it for your own research is not really in the spirit of whats going on here. Also, its only ethical to let people know youre using them for research.
loveslife Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Hkizzle, Can I ask you something? A lot of your threads seem like general questions, and Ive come to get the suspicion that you may be writing some sort of research paper or something, is that true? Because if so, you might want to let people know why you are asking these questions, and what you intend to do with the results. I realize that this is a public forum, but using it for your own research is not really in the spirit of whats going on here. Also, its only ethical to let people know youre using them for research. Being a journalist myself I agree that if he's writing about relationships he absolutely needs to be completely transparent about that. (I personally don't write about relationships, so no worries there.) People need to be able to make up their own minds about whether to participate in his book or whatever he's doing. I did a couple of searches of the forum and found that Hkizzle has mentioned thinking of writing a book on relationships a few times. He also posted a link to a blog of his about relationships. It really does feel like he's crossing some line. Can't fully explain it but it does make me feel uncomfortable.
Author Hkizzle Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Hkizzle, Can I ask you something? A lot of your threads seem like general questions, and Ive come to get the suspicion that you may be writing some sort of research paper or something, is that true? Because if so, you might want to let people know why you are asking these questions, and what you intend to do with the results. I realize that this is a public forum, but using it for your own research is not really in the spirit of whats going on here. Also, its only ethical to let people know youre using them for research. Oh I've said it on a couple of threads already. I'm writing a book, and just seeing people's views on various subjects. But the information from the threads aren't really useful to put in any book. I simply find it interesting to see people's views anyway. For example in the cheating section I put that cheating is biological and in a long discussion with various people. Most of the threads I start is purely for interest, no different from other posters.
BCCA Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I just wanted to make sure you werent pretending to need advice to get opinions for a book or something. Like I said, if youre going to use ANY of it to write a book, you should let people know. I cant see how you could be writing a book about relationships, and posting hypothetical questions on a relationship board, but then not using any of the info recieved for said book. If thats the case, my apologies, but if its not, I dont think thats good karma, personally. But, its a free country, do what you will
Author Hkizzle Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I just wanted to make sure you werent pretending to need advice to get opinions for a book or something. Like I said, if youre going to use ANY of it to write a book, you should let people know. I cant see how you could be writing a book about relationships, and posting hypothetical questions on a relationship board, but then not using any of the info recieved for said book. If thats the case, my apologies, but if its not, I dont think thats good karma, personally. But, its a free country, do what you will I never pretended to need advice or had some problem and duping people. I just find a lot of the discussions here interesting anyway, and some people's views are interesting. It's not systematic enough or structured enoough though to put in any book. I generally come here whilst I'm trading the stockmarket at the same time.
kizik Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I generally come here whilst I'm trading the stockmarket at the same time. I feel you, I'm usually here when I'm on assignment for the CIA
Author Hkizzle Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I feel you, I'm usually here when I'm on assignment for the CIA You do realize most investors trade online on their own PC or laptop now? I'm in between jobs with nothing to do. What's the big surprise? Pffttt
loveslife Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Oh I've said it on a couple of threads already. I'm writing a book, and just seeing people's views on various subjects. But the information from the threads aren't really useful to put in any book. I simply find it interesting to see people's views anyway. For example in the cheating section I put that cheating is biological and in a long discussion with various people. Most of the threads I start is purely for interest, no different from other posters. From the perspective of you writing a book it certainly seems like you're flushing out your ideas with the questions you ask. If you're using this forum for research you ought to get permission from the board owners and let them ask the members for their feelings on the matter.
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