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Posted
Fair enough. Maybe I'm just senstive. Check the wonderful gloating tone on these:

 

there is no gloating, apparently i hit an ow nerve and it made you sensitive to the issue..

 

not one time did i say i was proud,my only intention was to help jennie out because she brought forth the fact her mm had already told her his boat analogy of how the ow would be thrown under the bus until the waters calmed, which was a classic statement of a cake eater....

 

as a mm who carried on an A ,i thought it would be helpful for her to understand how we act and what we will do or say within the A to keep it going...thats all misty

  • Author
Posted
His struggle was real when he was having it, but it's like he forgets that now.

 

You're right that his struggle was real when he was having it. (pages of posts attest to that!:)) Like any struggle though, no one wants to relive it constantly. Men seem better at compartmentalizing so maybe that makes it easier.

 

What you are reading as arrogance, I see as a new found passion toward what he feels he's learned. And you're right though, noting more irritating than listening to a "reformed" (insert your choice of poison here... smoker? infidel? alcoholic?)! :p

 

this is very well said, its nice to see some people give me the benifit of the doubt rather than only seeing things from there persepective on how i am supposed to be at this point.

Posted
wow, and here you have a cheating man....what a catch. I hope you 2 do end up together. Not only would his wife's life be spared, and she can move on and find someone hopefully decent later, once his relationship gets boring, and you are the same old same old person he is having sex with for so many years.....you don't think he won't be cheating on you? And if his job requires him to be away as you say, then I'd say, karma will be a b!tch.

 

My MM is a catch you can be sure of that. As you might have noticed, I live by my own morals, and thus I evaluate him by my own morals.

 

No, I don't think he would be cheating on me, because he would be leaving me, because I do not artificially tie down men with commitment, obligation, duty and marriage. I make it perfectly clear that if I am not the one they love and are in love with, they should leave. Just like I will.

  • Author
Posted
wow, and here you have a cheating man....what a catch. I hope you 2 do end up together. Not only would his wife's life be spared, and she can move on and find someone hopefully decent later, once his relationship gets boring, and you are the same old same old person he is having sex with for so many years.....you don't think he won't be cheating on you? And if his job requires him to be away as you say, then I'd say, karma will be a b!tch.

 

My MM is a catch you can be sure of that. As you might have noticed, I live by my own morals, and thus I evaluate him by my own morals.

 

No, I don't think he would be cheating on me, because he would be leaving me, because I do not artificially tie down men with commitment, obligation, duty and marriage. I make it perfectly clear that if I am not the one they love and are in love with, they should leave. Just like I will.

 

dex will have a field day with this one..lol

 

You think he is a catch?...he is cheating on his wife and kids,lying to his wife and kids and i am sure lying to you also.he is selfish, self serving and using you for a purpose or a need that he is lacking in his life...he cant be honest with anyone.

 

i understand it works for you,that i can see, but to call him a catch is a stretch, a catch would be somebody who would be honest with himself,you,his wife and his kids and leave the marriage otherwise he is just like i was and any other man carrying on an affair.

 

i assume when you say: No, I don't think he would be cheating on me, because he would be leaving me, because I do not artificially tie down men with commitment, obligation, duty and marriage.

 

i assume you are speaking of his wife and how she does that to him but did you ever stop to think thats just what he tells you?

 

and you also say

 

I make it perfectly clear that if I am not the one they love and are in love with, they should leave. Just like I will..

 

did you ever think that his wife has no clue about his feelings and most likely she thinks that he is in love with her?...so what makes you think he would be so honest with you about his love.

Posted
Fair enough. Maybe I'm just senstive. Check the wonderful gloating tone on these:

 

gloating about what? what is contending to be "right" about? Not about stringing the OW along, thats for sure.

 

and I take it you don't recognize sarcasm when you read it

Posted

"I make it perfectly clear that if I am not the one they love and are in love with, they should leave. Just like I will."

 

NS, I think you misunderstood the above. I meant that if I feel in love with someone else, I would be gone.

Posted

My MM is a catch you can be sure of that.

 

if a cheating man is a catch, then yes, you have a catch:rolleyes:

 

 

As you might have noticed, I live by my own morals

 

you mean you live by a lack of morals. maybe living by your own code or set of rules is what you really mean here.

 

 

No, I don't think he would be cheating on me

 

oh but of course not:rolleyes:

 

 

 

because he would be leaving me

 

LMFAO.....thats the nature of cheating....they do it BEHIND your back until they get caught.....THEN he can leave you. its about keeping his status quo relationship for security, but getting some on the side. cheaters snowball their partners and keep them in the dark so they can have the best of both worlds.

 

 

because I do not artificially tie down men with commitment, obligation, duty and marriage.

 

and those that do believe in marriage must be sadists then to be so evil as to "tie down" these men. LOL

 

 

I make it perfectly clear that if I am not the one they love and are in love with, they should leave. Just like I will.

 

hmmm.....so why hasn't he left his wife for you? and since you are so big on making things "perfectly clear", then why don't you tell his wife for him?

Posted

Jennie: "No, I don't think he would be cheating on me, because he would be leaving me, because I do not artificially tie down men with commitment, obligation, duty and marriage."

 

NS: "I assume you are speaking of his wife and how she does that to him but did you ever stop to think thats just what he tells you?"

 

I didn't mean to imply that his wife is doing this. It is marriage in itself that does it. It is the basis of their relationship, as of many relationships, however not the basis of any relationship I have.

  • Author
Posted
"I make it perfectly clear that if I am not the one they love and are in love with, they should leave. Just like I will."

 

NS, I think you misunderstood the above. I meant that if I feel in love with someone else, I would be gone.

 

ok so then under that guise why is he not leaving his wife for you?...

 

you wont fall in love with someone else because you are apparently content being the ow to a man who has his cake and is eating it too..

Posted
ok so then under that guise why is he not leaving his wife for you?...

 

Because he is not me. He is compelled by duty and obligation, whereas I am not when it comes to love.

Posted
Because he is not me. He is compelled by duty and obligation.

 

he wouldn't know what duty and obligation were if bit him in the ass.

 

he is compelled by not suffering any consequences and having to give up alot of his money and doesn't want the uncomfortable process of divorce.

  • Author
Posted
Jennie: "No, I don't think he would be cheating on me, because he would be leaving me, because I do not artificially tie down men with commitment, obligation, duty and marriage."

 

NS: "I assume you are speaking of his wife and how she does that to him but did you ever stop to think thats just what he tells you?"

 

I didn't mean to imply that his wife is doing this. It is marriage in itself that does it. It is the basis of their relationship, as of many relationships, however not the basis of any relationship I have.

 

your making marriage out to be bad because thats what you want to beleive and thats probably what mm has told you...the fact is marriage is about commitment,obligation,duty, and if you want to be and choose to be married that shouldnt be looked at as a bad thing like you are portyaying it, you should want to ne commited and obligated and feel a sense of duty to the one you love and chose to honor and cherish... but that is only if the marriage is done right and is respected by both within the marriage, i didnt do that...

 

but you are looking at marriage from the eyes of your mm and the stuff he feeds you and of course he will paint a poor picture.

 

its not the basis of any relationship you have because you choose to be an ow and therefore you are only going to be the ow to this man and the reason he has an ow is because of the fact that you are there for him when he has the time and he dosent need to give you that commitment or feel that duty towards you...you do serve a purpose to him without all of the other obligations that go with it..hence having your cake and eating it too..

  • Author
Posted
Because he is not me. He is compelled by duty and obligation, whereas I am not when it comes to love.

 

boy he has you fooled...

 

you actually beleive he is only in his marriage because of duty and obligation?, beleive me thats not the only reason, he is feeding you nonsense to keep you right where he wants you, as his ow...

Posted
boy he has you fooled...

 

you actually beleive he is only in his marriage because of duty and obligation?, beleive me thats not the only reason, he is feeding you nonsense to keep you right where he wants you, as his ow...

 

So what's another reason to stay in a marriage when you are in the center of an affair.....other than duty & obligation?

NS Isn't that why you stayed in YOUR marriage?

Posted

As a former BS, I guess this is the part that continues to confuse me....

 

I make my own money. Our children are grown. The youngest headed off to college the year my H's affair started. He really could have separated at any time to explore a relationship with his OW. It would have hurt, but not as much as his deception did.

 

We could have gone to marriage counseling to see if there was a marriage worth salvaging. He could have figured out his confusion and chose one woman or the other, if we were BOTH still available when he chose.

 

He told her he it would take 5 years to get his family "financially set" before he left us. She bought it hook, line and sinker.

 

He told me he was growing a new business and had very little money. I bought it hook, line and sinker.

 

Turns out there was plenty of money he told neither one of us about.

 

He told her we never had sex. We had sex at least once a week during the affair.

 

He told her that I was mean. cold and uncaring; we never connected. Jeez, that'd be big news to the hundreds of friends and family members we have. He was always percieved as the moody, somewhat sad, aloof one.

 

I guess the point I am trying to make as a former BS is, he really could have left at anytime. Hard to believe the lies he told me. Hard to believe the lies he told her. Very, very unfair to the both of us. Very, very disrespectful.

 

But can you imagine the lies he told himself to keep this all going?

 

I personally cannot.

Posted
boy he has you fooled...

 

you actually beleive he is only in his marriage because of duty and obligation?, beleive me thats not the only reason, he is feeding you nonsense to keep you right where he wants you, as his ow...

 

You know what, NS, I might be fooled, but in that case my MM has fooled himself as well, because he is not lying to me. I give you that when/if Dday comes, his priorities might change, he might look at things differently, just like you do, but he is telling me what he believes/experiences today. Sure, it might be "affair fog" but you know what, it is not easy to tell what you are seeing in a fog, that does not mean you are lying about what you see.

 

A bit humility please, you ARE only 6 weeks out.

Posted

confusedinkansas: "So what's another reason to stay in a marriage when you are in the center of an affair.....other than duty & obligation?

NS Isn't that why you stayed in YOUR marriage?"

 

ROFL

Posted

Sure, it might be "affair fog" but you know what, it is not easy to tell what you are seeing in a fog, that does not mean you are lying about what you see.

You are absolutely 100% right about that Jennie... the thing is, when the fog clears there is room to see things in a whole different light... which doesn't make it a lie at all, its more of a reassessment. There's no guessing for anyone including the mm which way that will play.

 

It seems in these situations, that the MM is the least sure about what he feels about whom. If he doesn't know, who does. Its a risky gamble for everyone involved.

 

Do you desire and mutually committed R with your MM?

Posted

Spark1111,

Wow, that was some story. How did you finally come to split up? I understand you are still confused. What is your conclusion? That he truly is a cake-eater?

 

You seem to have been a very reasonable spouse. I am sorry he did not appreciate that side of you. He could have worked on the marriage or left.

Posted
Do you desire and mutually committed R with your MM?

 

I am very careful with words like commitment. I desire an exclusive relationship with my MM, which means he would no longer be a MM.

Posted

Two arduous years later, we are together, more in love than ever. When DDay hit, I told him "to go get her. You are obviously in love with her."

 

Was I angry, crazed, out of my mind? Yes! But in that regard, still fair to him. If I had written the text to another M that he had written to her, I'd have my bags packed and a foot out the door.

 

I told my children to love their father despite my pain, and if he chose this other woman as his life's partner, to treat her with respect because HE deserves to have love and happiness in his life, just as I do.

 

Unfortunately, as the cliche goes, he threw her under the bus. Kept in contact for awhile, stringing her along as his plan B in the event I didn't want him, and I didn't, as he then agressively pursued reconciling with me. I had thrown him out for two months.

 

And unlike many fBS, my heart broke for her too. He played us both in his confusion, mid-life crisis, semi-depression, whatever the hell you wanna call it.

 

I forgave him because I had ALWAYS loved him, despite what he told her.

 

And he had played himself the worst of all.

 

What a soap opera I've lived through.

 

But I do think, NS, offers sage advice:

 

Be careful, despite what you feel or think you know about MM, you, too could be played. Not intentionally. I do not think my husband set out to intentionaly cause all this pain.I think he did have tremendous feelings for this woman and she did help him in many ways.

 

He was just trying to alleviate his own pain, in a misguided, selfish, and very self-destructive way.

Posted
confusedinkansas: "So what's another reason to stay in a marriage when you are in the center of an affair.....other than duty & obligation?

NS Isn't that why you stayed in YOUR marriage?"

 

ROFL

 

what is to ROFL about? her comment made no sense. your MM is in an affair with you, NS is no longer in an affair. NS wants his marriage, your man does not. he is only staying for reasons which are wrong.

 

The only reason to stay in a marriage would be because you love the person you are married to and WANT it to work.

 

your MM isn't doing it out of duty and obligation, because like I said earlier, he doesn't know the meaning of the words. he is staying because getting divorce is gonna be damn uncomfortable for him. My guess is he is staying so she doesn't take half his sh#t and idiotically only THINKS he is doing this for the kids.

Posted
I am very careful with words like commitment. I desire an exclusive relationship with my MM.

 

oh my poor confused dear. Earlier you took a stab at women that believe in marriage and committment and said you don't tie men down with such things as committment or marriage.

 

Now you are saying you want an exclusive relationship. uh....well....that IS wanting to tie him down. If you want it where he isn't seeing anyone else....then that is a committment.

Posted
I am very careful with words like commitment. I desire an exclusive relationship with my MM, which means he would no longer be a MM.

 

Oh boy Jennie...you are on the express train to heartbreak. First class.

 

He wants an affair not a divorce. Guard yourself. I haven't commented much TO you as I know little about you...but falling in love with a MM is almost always a very bad thing for all involved.

 

Im sure you know this...but carefully watch his ACTIONS and ignore his WORDS. Watch and see which woman he PROTECTS...does he lie for you...or does he lie for his wife?

 

And the kids excuse, when you hear it, is BS. I dropped my xW like a hot potato when it was clear she was still involved with her OM...and I have 2 small children, 6 and 4 to be exact. Trust me, if a man wants a divorce...its all too easy.

 

Be careful...I know virtually nothing about your situation and I feel very confident in say that.

 

JW

Posted

Spark, you seem to be a very reasonable woman. I admire you for handling the EMR and its aftermath so well, and for being able to tell the story now so without prejudice and with clearsightedness. I wish you all the best.

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