I just dont get it

[taylor]

Yet 1.5 years later, you're still going on about your exOM, feeling like you owe him something, an apology, something..That you two are in NC, happy about it, yet feel slighted as he hasn't contacted you.. The fact he still is in your mind, maybe even in your heart and the way you have been posting to NS, I DO hope you now focus on your husband and have a full recovery.. NS WILL get to that point, but remember, he's well over a year away from where you are.

 

If the Om was still in my heart, believe me, I wouldn't be giving my whole heart back to my husband this weekend.

 

It took me months to get rid of the OM and I am very confident now that when I give my heart to my husband this weekend, it will be my WHOLE heart.

 

If it wasn't, I wouldn't be doing it.

[Devil Inside]

If the Om was still in my heart, believe me, I wouldn't be giving my whole heart back to my husband this weekend.

 

It took me months to get rid of the OM and I am very confident now that when I give my heart to my husband this weekend, it will be my WHOLE heart.

 

If it wasn't, I wouldn't be doing it.

 

 

I draw strength from this. I hope in a year and half I can say the same. Thanks for sharing Taylor...it gives me hope.

[NoIDidn't]

Excellent post. I know in my case...my issues were exacerbated by the issues in my marriage and vice versa. However, I still made the choices I did...the wrong ones.

 

I think it is important for mt to acknowledge the core issues that are dysfunctional in myself...so that I can work on them. I also need to work on the issues in my marriage. I think my inability to ask for what I want led to be being very unhappy in my marriage.

 

Did my wife have something to do with this...of course. However, I should have stepped up and set boundaries. Instead I let my emotions build up and then went and found someone to have an affair with to feel better about myself.

 

Why I did what I did is the key to recovery...but it is not an excuse. I did what did...I can't blame my brokenness or my broken marriage...it is on me.

 

This is a piece I am working on now. I am the only person responsible for my happiness...and if I am not happy married then I need to not be married or work on what is making me unhappy..having an affair was the cowardly way to deal with my unhappiness. It was a way to feel better without having to set boundaries. I don't want to live like that anymore.

 

 

You are starting to sound like my H here. LOL.

 

I truly believe that the EA would have ended without my knowledge had I not gone snooping. We were already having the 'separation' conversations, so I knew our marriage was in trouble. They were pulling away from each other after realizing the magnitude of what they were doing. I don't think either wanted to take it that far. When I found out about the EA first, that ended most of it. When I confirmed my suspicion of further contact and outted that, that ended the rest of it. But ending the EA didn't instantly make him focus on our marriage. He had to deal with him. And I had to give him the space to do it. He is such a different person now, I am so glad that I gave him his space and worked on myself during the process.

 

He really didn't know what he wanted - not who, he realized it wasn't her that he wanted either. She was a bandaid for other issues he was dealing with.

[MistyK]

This is bull. You have done nothing but insult the man since you started on this thread.

 

Maybe you took offense to the fact that it seemed like he was frustrated with you for venting about your affair that's long since been ended. But, you have offered him nothing by way of help. Unless the constant barrage of my-affair-was-for-better-reasons is considered help to you.

 

In fairness, the start of this thread was essentially a jab at Taylor. And he even acknowledged that he would "take heat" for saying what he said. I can't blame her for feeling like she has to defend herself.

 

Also, the tone of his very first post was insulting to all OW and WS, so that's why he got attacked right away. He basically said that the OP's and MP's just use each other and don't develop genuine feelings. That's a pretty broad blanket to cast over a large spectrum of A's. Further, he indicated that all OW could care less when the A ends (a conveinient way to avoid feeling bad about hurting an OW and obviously not accurate), and that the OW just wants the A anyway because she doesn't want to "deal with the crap" that comes with ending a M for an OW. And let's not forget the capper of advice he gave to everyone: "get over it".

 

Honestly, he came out of the gates swinging.

[NoIDidn't]

Taylor forgive me if I am mistaken, but didn't you say you were let go by your boss because they didn't want any drama. And he got to keep his job. Didn't you say he didn't even call you after you lost your job? I am a bit confused.

 

Oh, you're right. I remember reading her write that in a vent about how he didn't call her after she was let go.

 

But maybe she was "forced" to "resign" and not "let go"? I'll have to find that post for clarity.

[NoIDidn't]

In fairness, the start of this thread was essentially a jab at Taylor. And he even acknowledged that he would "take heat" for saying what he said. I can't blame her for feeling like she has to defend herself.

 

{snip}

 

Honestly, he came out of the gates swinging.

 

Oh, I agree with you concerning the purpose of him starting that thread. Believe me. I saw it too. LOL.

 

But it seems like taylor is still trying to even that score when we've moved on. The tone of the thread has changed.

[taylor]

. you have offered him nothing by way of help.

 

I told him he needed to recognize the fact that he was a serial cheater. He denied it.

 

I told him he needed to tell his wife who is affair partner was since she asked. He decided not to give his wife her name.

 

I told him "hysterical bonding" is not an indication a marriage is in recovery.

 

I told him he would be paying "consequences" for his infidelity for a long time.

 

I told him people don't "get over" feelings quickly and he shouldn't be surprised if his wife still has residual feelings about the affair in a year from now that may prevent her from moving on as fast as he wants to.

 

I told him apologizing to his OW may have been a redeeming act and was one way to be accountable for the hurt he caused another person.

 

I told him he can't shove the affair out of his memory banks. He needs to examine it closely because you can't move forward into the future without knowing where you came from.

 

I questioned the line he is drawing in the sand with respect to boundaries and believe he should set firmer boundaries to establish trust and remove anything that could remotely be misconstrued as an affair.

 

If none of these things have helped him...then I don't know where he is going with marital recovery.

[NoIDidn't]

Taylor forgive me if I am mistaken, but didn't you say you were let go by your boss because they didn't want any drama. And he got to keep his job. Didn't you say he didn't even call you after you lost your job? I am a bit confused.

 

Oh, you're right. I remember reading her write that in a vent about how he didn't call her after she was let go.

 

But maybe she was "forced" to "resign" and not "let go"? I'll have to find that post for clarity.

 

Actually, bent, you are right. I went through some of taylor's old posts and there are many instances where she references "losing her job". In fact, she states that the A would have continued and gotten physical had she not lost her job.

 

I wonder why she's here making it seem like she left that job voluntarily?

[PhoenixRise]

I believe Taylor mentioned in another post that after being let go from her job where she worked with the FOM, she found another job in her field where she worked for 1 day and she left that job because of the ratio of men to women and she felt uncomfortable.

[Spark1111]

That was the job she found after the job she was asked to leave when working with the OM. He received a promotion, and then she was let go due to company embarrassment, or under the guise that they would no longer tolerate his "distraction" with her.

 

The second job, was tooooo similiar to the first, and triggered her thoughts of her affair environment. Detrimental to her healing, she left after one day.

 

Jeez, can you tell I worked as a journalist? Can't find my car keys, but have a memory for the written word.

[PhoenixRise]

I truly don't see any problem with NS posting in this forum even though he sought out his FOW on the internet. It seems to me that if a person choses to cheat they will find a way to do it no matter what restrictions are put on them. You can cut off their internet usage, hell, you can cut off their leg and they will still find a way if they want to cheat.

 

 

There is nothing in any of his posts that indicates that internet trolling is a compulsive behavior for him. So I don't see this as a problem

 

Personally, I think if his wife were to read his post since dday she would be very pleased with what she sees. AND In time there may even come a time when she can read his initial posts and put them in context.

 

He is not doing or saying anything inappropriate here. He says LS has helped him and is helping his marriage.

[PhoenixRise]

Taylor

 

 

Congratualtions on renewing your vows with your H this weekend. This is wonderful new. AND a second honeymoon too.....:D

 

I know it will be a special time for you both.

[Snowflower]

This weekend my husband and I will be renewing our vows and leaving for a second honeymoon. I take these vows seriously. They have great meaning to both my husband and I in light of all that we have been through, not just last year, but in the past 5 or so years.

 

 

 

Congratulations, taylor. I understand completely the significance of this.

 

My husband and I did the same thing several months ago...at my husband's insistence. We feel we have married each other with more seriousness than we ever did the first time-when we were simply too young.

 

Best wishes to you and your husband!

[taylor]

You still work. You are still in an environment that could lead to another affair.

 

Yes, I still work. I have bills to pay. But I choose to work in an environment where there is the least amount of contact with adult males.

 

I do this for my husband. To make him feel comfortable. And to let him know I am making good decisions with respect to boundaries.

 

 

 

My H worked with his EA partner too. I had to let him go to work.

 

I understand this completely, NID. I understand being put between a rock and a hard place. And I can understand how difficult it must have been for you to let him do this, knowing he had to, to pay bills.

 

But there are many LSers here who would have told you he needed to quit his job for NC to be effective and for marital recovery to have a chance of being effective. I am sure these thoughts are not new to you. They are repeated over and over every time a new WS posts.

 

I don't necessarily agree with the mandatory quitting after an affair. I believe sometimes there are extenuating circumstances that do prevent a WS from finding another job. I "get" it.

 

But I am sure it put some undue stress on you at the time.

 

 

 

 

Its possible that NS's W is trying to trust him as well.

 

I am sure she is. I am sure she is trying very hard to. But why put the undue stress on her by logging on to sites that are not work related? I certainly understand using the computer for work related stuff...but LS is certainly not work-related or "necessary" activities to maintain a livelihood or pay bills. It's an extraneous activity.

 

NS's wife is still distraught emotionally..crying at 3 a.m. and lashing out at him on Mondays. I would think any computer activity outside of work-related matters would make her feel uncomfortable..especially now when she is still reeling emotionally from the affair and the broken trust is still so raw.

 

She shouldn't have to be put in a position to have to trust him with internet activities. Not now. It's way too soon. She is dealing with so many other things...why add that burden if it's not necessary?

 

I also believe she has a right to know what he is doing while he is on the internet. That is for her to decide. Not him. She should be calling the shots...as the BS...not him.

 

If my husband searched the internet for a woman to cheat with, you better believe I would feel uncomfortable every time he logged on when he wasn't working...especially so soon after the affair.

[taylor]

I use the internet for work, its my business

 

You also used the internet to search for a sex partner.

 

If I were your wife or your MC, I would restrict your internet usage to work only...at least for now until trust was restored and you were totally "reformed"...or whatever word you want to call it.

 

I think your wife would sleep better at night.

 

But then again, you haven't even told your wife you are participating in a forum.

[taylor]

Precisely' date=' no one has been holding his hand. When he started this thread, he was accused of turning his emotions off "like a faucet".[/quote']

 

That wasn't an accusation. That was a fact. He said he turned them off...said he felt nothing. But yes..another poster compared it to turning off a faucet.

 

He's been attacked from the start of this thread.

 

He started the thread as an attack..said he was ready for the heat...knew he was going to get some strong responses. Other posters recognized this as well.

 

He wasn't trying to seek advice by starting this thread. He wasn't even looking for comfort. He was trying to criticize posters, like myself, who had a hard time shaking feelings for their affair partner.

 

I thought it was wrong to criticize people for having feelings THEY couldn't shut off easily. And I told him that some people need to work thru feelings, not shut them off.

 

But yes, I took this post as a personal attack from Post #1 and I responded accordingly. I make no apologies for that.

[taylor]

Taylor forgive me if I am mistaken, but didn't you say you were let go by your boss because they didn't want any drama. And he got to keep his job. Didn't you say he didn't even call you after you lost your job? I am a bit confused.

 

Sorry, BNB, but yes, you are a bit confused. Easy to do with so much info being bounced around.

 

The company where I had the affair...I got fired because the OM would not stop coming into my department after repeated reprimands by the boss. His production dropped and he pretty much lost control over the temps under him who he was supposed to be training.

 

Because he wasn't working to his level and the temps were not being trained properly, production slipped.

 

They kept him and fired me...the distraction. It was not to eliminate drama. It was to improve production and meet shipment deadlines.

 

That happened in March 2008.

 

9 months later I took another job in my field. There were 90 men and 10 women there. I quit after the first day because I knew it was not the place I should be working so soon after D-day. My husband would not have felt comfortable with that situation. And neither was I.

[taylor]

I draw strength from this. I hope in a year and half I can say the same. Thanks for sharing Taylor...it gives me hope.

 

Devil Inside,

 

I see many, many similarities between your affair and mine.

 

I have been reading your posts with much interest and I "feel" and "see" myself in much of what you say.

 

I think you have "right" thinking in many ways with regard to your affair, the aftermath and recovery.

 

It is truly a long road. A very wise poster..I am sure you have run into him by now...told me a long time ago that it's a marathon, not a sprint.

 

It will take time..lots of time. And you will have to walk thru fire to get to the other side. But it is worth it.

 

In the spirit of this thread, tho, let me say this...that the fire you walk thru now is huge. It will die down as you start to see and think more clearly and can keep emotions a little more in check. But, there are also going to be little, sporadic fires that are going to flare up from time to time over a long period of time. They need to be addressed as they come into being.

 

There is no true ending to marital recovery. And there really shouldn't be. It just turns into a lifelong "home improvement" project and that's a good thing.

 

I wish you the best with recovery.

[NOTSURE7]

ok to try and get back on track here,, i will first say congrats to taylor for renewing her vows, i think thats great and i hope to do the same thing one day when the time is right...

 

I did start this post in response to taylor and the fact she was still thinking about her mm, i guess in my own way it hit a nerve because i felt that all this time later that if you commit to your m you shouldnt still even be mentioning the ap...but i guess its to each there own and i can accept that..this post was not meant to attack but more meant to open a spirited debate and boy did i do that...

 

I came to LS as a confused man who spent his marriage doing wrong by his W and finally it all caught up to me,hence my first post all in my head, need it out..When i first came on i never in a million saw the value in confessing to my w, i just didnt get it,i didnt understand what value that could have and people on here gave me the courage and the strenght and made me understand the importance of letting my wife choose her destiny for once, so after many pages and some spirited conversation i did indeed confess to my w and now i am currently making my M stronger and giving my m an honest and open chance to succeed post dday.

 

my point of explaining my story is that this forum has become a place where i can get advice,get things off my chest,learn from others who have been through this,get tips on how i should react or things to help me make our m stronger, That is the only reason i am here.

 

If i told my W about Ls and my posting it wouldnt serve the purpose it has for so long now, Ls has benefited me and in return benifited my w and my m.Its not that i am trying to hide it or decieve her but its a place were i feel i can gain valuable knowledge and learn things to help me.

 

I have also begun post dday to talk openly and honestly with my w and this too has helped me but i still think Ls is important to me, There are people on here who have been through this on either side of the coin and this information is invaluable..

 

so yes i am on a non work related site but its important for me and it is only because it helps me, i also go to espn.com,cnn.com etc etc and these are just to take a break from the day.

 

I am not trolling the internet and never really was, i went to a specific site for married people and i found someone in my area fairly quickly and it took almost 2 months before i met her, so there wasnt just this wow i want to find a F**** buddy mentality.

 

Post dday my w understand i use the internet for work, i have given her my emails and i have shown her what i have been doing when asked, i have no more secrets, i am not hiding anything, i am just trying to be open and honest and give my w what she always deserved in a husband.

 

so thats my story, maybe it will clear somethings up and maybe we can move on and focus on more important issues...

[taylor]

Congratulations, taylor. I understand completely the significance of this.

 

My husband and I did the same thing several months ago...at my husband's insistence. We feel we have married each other with more seriousness than we ever did the first time-when we were simply too young.

 

Best wishes to you and your husband!

 

Thank you for the well wishes, PhoenixRise and Snowflower.

 

Certainly, this is not the thread where I wanted this info to come out on, but, oh, well...

 

I am glad to hear it was at your husband's insistence that you renew your vows.

 

I am sure it was important for him, as it is for me, to show you..our spouses...that we do love you enough to recommit to you. And that we are serious about it because we have had alot of time to think about it. No blinders...going in with eyes wide open...and a heck of alot wiser.

 

Most family and friends do not know about our marital troubles from last year. Most still say they take "inspiration" from us.

 

But we will be saying our vows in front of our families..parents, siblings and children as well as a couple close friends. I want to be able to live up to their expectation of us as a couple to be inspired by. This is the first step.

 

I want to do this more than anything FOR my husband. But for me as well. For our marriage. I am going to look at Saturday as the first day of marriage for us because, in many ways, it is.

[taylor]

ok to try and get back on track here,, i will first say congrats to taylor for renewing her vows, i think thats great and i hope to do the same thing one day when the time is right...

 

Thank you for the well wishes, NS.

And I truly do hope that one day you will be saying the same thing.

 

We all have a common goal and that is to find happiness with the one we love. I wish this for you as I wish this for myself.

 

And let me also apologize for the harshness of my words to you throughout this post. I know that had my emotions not been set into motion, the points I was trying to make to you would have come across with more meaning and effectiveness perhaps.

 

I wish you well.

 

I am done posting here (I am sure you are glad of this) as I need to make final preparation for this upcoming week.

 

P.S. - Sometimes I do wish there was a forum here for marital recovery. It really is a disservice to have it thrown into a forum that focuses on infidelity and all that that entails.

 

With that said, have a great week and weekend.

[Snowflower]

Thank you for the well wishes, PhoenixRise and Snowflower.

 

Certainly, this is not the thread where I wanted this info to come out on, but, oh, well...

 

I am glad to hear it was at your husband's insistence that you renew your vows.

 

I am sure it was important for him, as it is for me, to show you..our spouses...that we do love you enough to recommit to you. And that we are serious about it because we have had alot of time to think about it. No blinders...going in with eyes wide open...and a heck of alot wiser.

 

Most family and friends do not know about our marital troubles from last year. Most still say they take "inspiration" from us.

 

But we will be saying our vows in front of our families..parents, siblings and children as well as a couple close friends. I want to be able to live up to their expectation of us as a couple to be inspired by. This is the first step.

 

I want to do this more than anything FOR my husband. But for me as well. For our marriage. I am going to look at Saturday as the first day of marriage for us because, in many ways, it is.

 

taylor, your post here very nearly made me cry. Because I feel the same way about our 'new' marriage - the day we renewed our vows was the day we really and truly married one another. I know my husband feels the same way, too.

 

I was hesitant to post about our renewing our vows, as well...figuring that I would look foolish here for trusting my husband's vows again.

 

Similar to what you have said above about your intentions taylor, my husband insisted that we, but especially he do this...Like you, my husband was very serious about it and has remained so ever since.

 

I'm so glad you and your husband are taking this new step together...I can completely understand the significance of this special event.

 

Take lots of pictures!

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry, BNB, but yes, you are a bit confused. Easy to do with so much info being bounced around.

 

The company where I had the affair...I got fired because the OM would not stop coming into my department after repeated reprimands by the boss. His production dropped and he pretty much lost control over the temps under him who he was supposed to be training.

 

Because he wasn't working to his level and the temps were not being trained properly, production slipped.

 

They kept him and fired me...the distraction. It was not to eliminate drama. It was to improve production and meet shipment deadlines.

 

That happened in March 2008.

 

9 months later I took another job in my field. There were 90 men and 10 women there. I quit after the first day because I knew it was not the place I should be working so soon after D-day. My husband would not have felt comfortable with that situation. And neither was I.

 

 

 

Got it. It is a bit much to keep straight isn't it?

[NoIDidn't]

Devil Inside,

 

I see many, many similarities between your affair and mine.

 

I have been reading your posts with much interest and I "feel" and "see" myself in much of what you say.

 

 

Its funny you would say this to DI, considering his affair started the same way that NS's did.

 

I, too, see and hear much of the same things in ALL of your posts. These two guys went online looking for FWB that happened to also be married. They wanted the ultimate no-strings-attached dealings. But they both "fell in love".

 

I wish you all the best in your recoveries. And, I didn't say it earlier, but congrats on renewing your vows.

[NoIDidn't]

Sorry, BNB, but yes, you are a bit confused. Easy to do with so much info being bounced around.

 

The company where I had the affair...I got fired because the OM would not stop coming into my department after repeated reprimands by the boss. His production dropped and he pretty much lost control over the temps under him who he was supposed to be training.

 

Because he wasn't working to his level and the temps were not being trained properly, production slipped.

 

They kept him and fired me...the distraction. It was not to eliminate drama. It was to improve production and meet shipment deadlines.

 

That happened in March 2008.

 

9 months later I took another job in my field. There were 90 men and 10 women there. I quit after the first day because I knew it was not the place I should be working so soon after D-day. My husband would not have felt comfortable with that situation. And neither was I.

 

 

That makes a lot of sense. I read through some posts where you spoke only of the A and losing your job from with the OM.

 

It also makes a lot of sense as to why you think that NS shouldn't be on the internet given what you made yourself do.

 

I wouldn't have done it, personally, but you are keeping with your values and the lessons learned from your A so its commendable. And I still don't think that its the right thing for NS. I don't think his W would be offended by this thread at all - well, maybe the banter with jennie-jennie, but nothing else.