NoIDidn't Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 All Affairs are a result of something broken.... in the marriage and not ever one-sided.... had he choose to close that door, something else would have been in his path and no one can say for sure that would not have had a worse outcome. I don't agree with this. All affairs are, indeed, a result of something broken....inside the person stepping out of the marriage. And frequently that is VERY one-sided. Sure, the problems in the marriage may exacerbate the brokenness inside the one that decided to cheat, but it doesn't MAKE that person cheat. Affairs are about choices. As DI said, his choices were ALL in favor of cheating. I remember my H telling me he was tired of apologizing for what he had done to everyone. I told him, to stop apologizing then. And start doing something that proved that he was sorry. No one wants to constantly hear "sorry" when the actions continue to say "not sorry". KWIM?
Sanafa Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I don't agree with this. All affairs are, indeed, a result of something broken....inside the person stepping out of the marriage. And frequently that is VERY one-sided. Sure, the problems in the marriage may exacerbate the brokenness inside the one that decided to cheat, but it doesn't MAKE that person cheat. Affairs are about choices. As DI said, his choices were ALL in favor of cheating. I remember my H telling me he was tired of apologizing for what he had done to everyone. I told him, to stop apologizing then. And start doing something that proved that he was sorry. No one wants to constantly hear "sorry" when the actions continue to say "not sorry". KWIM? KWIM??? Don't know that abbreviation Regardless, I disagree... TWO people are in a marriage and while I totally get the responsibility of the affair partner choosing the Affair rather than working on the M.....there is something wrong with the marriage - Sugar coat and place blame on the "worse" party...but miscommunication, lack of, or loss of interest cannot be fully maintained by one person. The only way that would be possible is if they were truly narasistic and so closed that no one including W would be the wiser And that.... begs the question... why would EITHER choose to stay with this sort of individual?
NoIDidn't Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 KWIM??? Don't know that abbreviation Regardless, I disagree... TWO people are in a marriage and while I totally get the responsibility of the affair partner choosing the Affair rather than working on the M.....there is something wrong with the marriage - Sugar coat and place blame on the "worse" party...but miscommunication, lack of, or loss of interest cannot be fully maintained by one person. The only way that would be possible is if they were truly narasistic and so closed that no one including W would be the wiser And that.... begs the question... why would EITHER choose to stay with this sort of individual? Know What I Mean I am not disagreeing with you here. But its not wise to ignore the fact that the brokenness in a person contributes to the problems in the marriage. Most cheaters acknowledge being conflict avoiders and passive agressive. These problems belong to them, but they wreak havoc within a marriage. These problems add to whatever issues their spouse may have. And it creates a cycle that the couple finds it hard to fix. Some give up on fixing it - the disinterest. Some, decide to cheat. I, personally, believe that some people *do* beg to be cheated on. I was probably one of those people and did get cheated on! LOL. But the person that decides to cheat should own that bad decision instead of trying to deflect the blame back to the person they cheated on. Cheating is definitely a symptom of problems in the marriage, but....cheating only makes the problems worse overall instead of better. That is why the person making the decision to cheat is "worst" than the betrayed that was part of the problem in the marriage. At least, that's MY opinion on it.
Sanafa Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Know What I Mean I am not disagreeing with you here. But its not wise to ignore the fact that the brokenness in a person contributes to the problems in the marriage. Most cheaters acknowledge being conflict avoiders and passive agressive. These problems belong to them, but they wreak havoc within a marriage. These problems add to whatever issues their spouse may have. And it creates a cycle that the couple finds it hard to fix. Some give up on fixing it - the disinterest. Some, decide to cheat. I, personally, believe that some people *do* beg to be cheated on. I was probably one of those people and did get cheated on! LOL. But the person that decides to cheat should own that bad decision instead of trying to deflect the blame back to the person they cheated on. Cheating is definitely a symptom of problems in the marriage, but....cheating only makes the problems worse overall instead of better. That is why the person making the decision to cheat is "worst" than the betrayed that was part of the problem in the marriage. At least, that's MY opinion on it. And I totally agree....mmmm...getting scary Originally it sound like you were dismissing that problems were a two way street in a marriage and I do agree, there is certainly a farther larger onus or problem with a MP who decides to cheat rather than work on the marriage. No argument there as I didn't mean to defend simply say there are pre-existing problems prior to the A and as you said the A is only a symptom.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I don't agree with this. All affairs are' date=' indeed, a result of something broken....inside the person stepping out of the marriage. [/quote'] I agree. More times than not problems in the marriage, not the affair, are because of 2 people in it. But alot of affairs are just people that can't stay faithful to one person. Not that their significant others can't make them happy, its just that some people can't handle having sex with the same person for the rest of their lives. And those are the types that need not get married. And frequently that is VERY one-sided. bump....agreed again.
NoIDidn't Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 And I totally agree....mmmm...getting scary Scary, indeed.
LaGazelle Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 And I totally agree....mmmm...getting scary Originally it sound like you were dismissing that problems were a two way street in a marriage and I do agree, there is certainly a farther larger onus or problem with a MP who decides to cheat rather than work on the marriage. No argument there as I didn't mean to defend simply say there are pre-existing problems prior to the A and as you said the A is only a symptom. In spite of the concept of opportunistic cheating, I sort of agree with this. Whilst I think there tends to be pre-existing problems, they can indeed be one-sided. A lot of men who cheat, do so for the ego boost of being desired by women other than their spouse (i.e the more the merrier, even if it is just one other) and get a boost from having the OW compete for their attention, others enjoy the pursuit (the thrill of the chase) which is often intensified in an A where for example the OW is single and MM can go home to his wife, so the OW "works hard" to keep him. In this situation, even if he occasionally needs to do the kick start the chase and cat and mouse games, he can rely on the OW who has more to lose , to sustain it. Others also cheat to get sexual variety (men tend to desire a variety of mates, whereas women generally prefer a dedicated mate - both are socialised to compromise on a happy medium) in spite of getting "freaky" sex at home. In fact being more attentive to the W is one way that MM can keep their cover. How do any of these necessarily reflect an intrinsic problem in a M? Do they not point to an individual problem? Whilst it takes 2 to make a M work, it takes just one to destroy it. Wanting to believe otherwise is just one way of blameshifting and conscience clearing.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I dont fully agree that something is broken in the marriage, i think its more individualized and using that there was something wrong with the m or the bs is more of a justification by the ws than it is reality.. In my case i beleive the problems lie within myself and thats what needs to be fixed, i took the first huge step by confessing to my w and getting myself into ic and mc.. Now looking back it would not be right of me to blame something that was wrong in my m or with my bs.. Do i think that problems in the marriage or relationship between h and w can be a contributiing factors, well of course but i also think that if you have one side of the marriage who has personal problems that are never addressed and they have an A because they are needy,self centered,selfish,ego maniacs etc etc that it is not fair to blame problems in the marriage as the main reason for the A. There are many couples who have problems in there M and they dont go out and have an affair..
taylor Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Again, with all due respect, if I was the BW, this distinction would matter to me. It says a lot about the person. Not that either way is right. Obviously it is all wrong and hurtful. I agree with this. Forget about which affair is better or more detrimental in the end. They both hurt. But, if I told my husband I deliberately went on line to find a man to F, he would be shocked and disgusted beyond belief. He would see me in a totally different light AS A PERSON than if I had... developed an infatuation for a male friend I worked side by side with for a year or two and crossed lines I shouldn't have. Yes, they both hurt. Yes, they are both betrayals. Yes, both constitute cheating. But I believe my husband would look at me in a totally different light AS A PERSON had I taken deliberate, pre-meditated steps to find a stranger to F behind his back. I think that would have left a lump in his throat he would not have been able to swallow. ******* Tell me, NS, in light of the fact that you used the internet to find a woman to cheat with.. How is it your wife and MC are OK with you spending time chatting with male and female cheaters on the internet? You would think both your wife and MC would have set FIRM BOUNDARIES regarding your internet usage...seeing as THAT is what got you in trouble in the first place...your MO. Setting firm boundaries where the boundaries are weak is one of the FIRST AND FOREMOST steps in curbing cheating behavior and marital recovery. You would think your wife and MC would have made it a requirement that internet usage to chat with other women on line be strictly prohibited. Yet, here you are????? (Please do not tell me the marital trust has been completely restored and your wife and MC are completely comfortable with this.)
angie2443 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Regardless, I disagree... TWO people are in a marriage and while I totally get the responsibility of the affair partner choosing the Affair rather than working on the M.....there is something wrong with the marriage - ? Here is my issue with this. Almost every long term relationship has it's ups and downs. This includes healthy relationships. Heck, like in gerneral has it's ups and downs. There are healthy ways to deal with this and there are destructive ways to deal with this. Turning towards your partner is often harder then turning towards someone outside of your relationship. Some people take the easier road, regardless of the consequenses later on down the line.
PhoenixRise Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Here is my issue with this. Almost every long term relationship has it's ups and downs. This includes healthy relationships. Heck, like in gerneral has it's ups and downs. There are healthy ways to deal with this and there are destructive ways to deal with this. Turning towards your partner is often harder then turning towards someone outside of your relationship. Some people take the easier road, regardless of the consequenses later on down the line. This is true. Sanafa Every marriage will have ups and downs. Every marriage will have problems from time to time. So saying that affairs happen because of problems in the marriage or because the marriage is broken just absolves the WS of responsiblity for their actions. Yes there is something broken. Most often, there is something broken inside the person who is cheating. AND in many cases the problems in the marriage are caused by/or increased by the brokeness of the person who is cheating.
taylor Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 But its not wise to ignore the fact that the brokenness in a person contributes to the problems in the marriage. I agree with this 100 percent. The brokeness in one marital partner can easily erode a marriage..and unless that brokeness is addressed, it can literally destroy the marriage..cheating or no cheating. Most cheaters acknowledge being conflict avoiders and passive agressive. I also believe this is true in many cases. But to elaborate: I think some people who are broken, by virtue of their "brokeness" don't always have the strength or the clear thinking necessary to resolve their issues properly. I have a friend whose husband is an alcoholic and suffers with depression. He cheated on her to escape his dreary little life. I don't think this man had the power to solve his problems and address his internal demons with a clear mind. Another point: In my marriage, I am the one with the brokeness. For a long time I knew I was unhappy with both the marriage and with myself..mostly with myself. But I could not pinpoint the source of that unhappiness..not for the life of me. I constantly told my husband how unhappy I was..even told him I wanted to go to MC way before the affair happened. But my husband, the BS, is the conflict avoider in our household. He hates conflict and confrontation with a passion. He told me he thought things would smooth themselves out. He told me he knew something was wrong but he didn't know what to do about it so he did nothing. He told me he was afraid to face it head on. So, there we were..two marital partners...one too confused and broken to know what to do and the other trying as hard as he could to not upset the apple cart. As a result, our marital discord grew.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I agree with this. Forget about which affair is better or more detrimental in the end. They both hurt. But, if I told my husband I deliberately went on line to find a man to F, he would be shocked and disgusted beyond belief. He would see me in a totally different light AS A PERSON than if I had... developed an infatuation for a male friend I worked side by side with for a year or two and crossed lines I shouldn't have. Yes, they both hurt. Yes, they are both betrayals. Yes, both constitute cheating. But I believe my husband would look at me in a totally different light AS A PERSON had I taken deliberate, pre-meditated steps to find a stranger to F behind his back. I think that would have left a lump in his throat he would not have been able to swallow. ******* Tell me, NS, in light of the fact that you used the internet to find a woman to cheat with.. How is it your wife and MC are OK with you spending time chatting with male and female cheaters on the internet? You would think both your wife and MC would have set FIRM BOUNDARIES regarding your internet usage...seeing as THAT is what got you in trouble in the first place...your MO. Setting firm boundaries where the boundaries are weak is one of the FIRST AND FOREMOST steps in curbing cheating behavior and marital recovery. You would think your wife and MC would have made it a requirement that internet usage to chat with other women on line be strictly prohibited. Yet, here you are????? (Please do not tell me the marital trust has been completely restored and your wife and MC are completely comfortable with this.) Again an affair is an affair, i see where you keep referencing that it hurts no matter what and that is true and i agree. but now you are again saying that because you met a co worker and worked side by side and shared your most intimate secrets and every single day you betrayed your husbands trust that its somehow easier to swallow than going on the internet and meeting someone is ridiculous. Personally i beleive that if i were a bs i would not be swallowing anything easily no matter what or how it happened, but yet you and others continue to think that because you developed some love or infatuation with your affair partner that it somehow lays credence to your A, that is complete bs Taylor.. I also tend to beleive and i could be wrong because i cant speak for a bs that it might be easier for a bs to get over a ws finding a f*** buddy on the internet than someone who gives themselves everyday to another, someone who betrays trust everyday,laughs and tells secrets to another,spends there time thinking about this person,seeks this person out to help with there emotional and sometimes physical needs.I dont get how you think your H would or could view you as any worse because you went on the internet,basically all you did was find someone in your everyday life and vioalted your husbands trust that way, no different taylor. You seem to think that there ws nothing premeditated or delibarate about your A,Misty somehow claims the same, But you continued the pursuit,you continued to confide,your continued to betray, so use infatuation or love as an excuse to make your A seem better, but in the end your A was no better or less premeditated or delibarate as mine , nor was it different than mine and in some eyes it can be viewed as worse. As far as my internet use,I am accountable for everything i do,My w knows i am on the internet as i need to be for work, i gave her all of my email accounts and the site that i used and she is more than welcome to monitor my everyday activity as i have nothing to hide. I sense alot of sarcasm in your question to me of how i am here on the internet talking to others, but i use this as a way to help myself and to try and maybe even help another in the proccess, there is nothing wrong with what i am doing on here, i am not here looking for a date taylor, i am here to help myself and to try and gain experience and suggestions from people who have been where i am..i have used many posters advice in my everyday life and for the most part, aside from a few people who continue to try and derail me i find the information i gain on here very helpful to me. so to try and insinuate that i am doing something wrong by being on LS and talking to many different types of people(not just female and male cheaters as you stated) is somehow betraying the trust of my w is ridiculous.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I agree with this 100 percent. The brokeness in one marital partner can easily erode a marriage..and unless that brokeness is addressed, it can literally destroy the marriage..cheating or no cheating. I also believe this is true in many cases. But to elaborate: I think some people who are broken, by virtue of their "brokeness" don't always have the strength or the clear thinking necessary to resolve their issues properly. I have a friend whose husband is an alcoholic and suffers with depression. He cheated on her to escape his dreary little life. I don't think this man had the power to solve his problems and address his internal demons with a clear mind. Another point: In my marriage, I am the one with the brokeness. For a long time I knew I was unhappy with both the marriage and with myself..mostly with myself. But I could not pinpoint the source of that unhappiness..not for the life of me. I constantly told my husband how unhappy I was..even told him I wanted to go to MC way before the affair happened. But my husband, the BS, is the conflict avoider in our household. He hates conflict and confrontation with a passion. He told me he thought things would smooth themselves out. He told me he knew something was wrong but he didn't know what to do about it so he did nothing. He told me he was afraid to face it head on. So, there we were..two marital partners...one too confused and broken to know what to do and the other trying as hard as he could to not upset the apple cart. As a result, our marital discord grew. more excuses, take responsibility for yourself taylor, you cheated on your H because it was something you wanted to do,you continued everyday to let yourself grow with this om, to tell him your secrets,to confide in him emotionally and vice versa, you becaem infatuated and you loved it.. stop with the conflict avoider and that you were unhappy, confused and broken and you just couldnt pinpoint it excuses and take resposibility for what it was, it was a delibarate betrayal of your marriage because you were to needy,self centerd and too selfish to do anything other than fulfill your needs..you found what YOU needed in the om and you went for it.. i can admit what i did and why i did it and i think its time you do the same, stop blaming anyone or anything but yourself..
NoIDidn't Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 more excuses, take responsibility for yourself taylor, you cheated on your H because it was something you wanted to do,you continued everyday to let yourself grow with this om, to tell him your secrets,to confide in him emotionally and vice versa, you becaem infatuated and you loved it.. stop with the conflict avoider and that you were unhappy, confused and broken and you just couldnt pinpoint it excuses and take resposibility for what it was, it was a delibarate betrayal of your marriage because you were to needy,self centerd and too selfish to do anything other than fulfill your needs..you found what YOU needed in the om and you went for it.. i can admit what i did and why i did it and i think its time you do the same, stop blaming anyone or anything but yourself.. This post comes across pretty harsh, but there is a lot of truth (general truth) in it. My H came to this point where he stopped blaming the kitchen sink for what he did to our family. He finally just stopped making the excuses that only served to pass the blame to something/someone else. I'm not saying that the "excuses" weren't valid, its just that they were really excuses for his choices. And that is what NS is saying, stop making excuses for choices that one readily made. This is what is meant my "owning" one's choices. I have gained a fair amount of weight over my marriage. Much of it due to having four kids, but equally due to emotional eating. See, I could have had an affair, but I chose to eat in response to the issues of my marriage. The food was comforting and so I turned to it instead of my spouse again and again (so did he, LOL). And my body paid the price. No one forced me to eat emotionally. And no one forces anyone to cheat for emotional reasons either.
taylor Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 As far as my internet use,I am accountable for everything i do,My w knows i am on the internet as i need to be for work, i gave her all of my email accounts and the site that i used and she is more than welcome to monitor my everyday activity as i have nothing to hide. So your wife knows you are chatting with other women on LoveShack forums and she is completely comfortable with this? Does she read your threads? I sense alot of sarcasm in your question to me of how i am here on the internet It's not sarcasm, NS. It's total disbelief. I can't believe your MC would approve of this internet usage in light of the fact that you used the internet to cheat. Where are the firm boundaries? If a man went to a bar and picked up a woman to cheat with, wouldn't you think bars would be off limit to him as he attempted marital recovery. If a man cheated on his wife every time he got intoxicated, wouldn't you think alcohol would be off limit to him as he attempted marital recovery. It just makes sense to me that your internet usage would be greatly restricted in your case because you used it to cheat. And I can't believe your wife and MC have not set this as a firm boundary. Do they really think it is OK for you to be chatting with women on the internet? They are both comfortable with this? It's not sarcasm, NS...it's utter disbelief.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 This post comes across pretty harsh, but there is a lot of truth (general truth) in it. My H came to this point where he stopped blaming the kitchen sink for what he did to our family. He finally just stopped making the excuses that only served to pass the blame to something/someone else. I'm not saying that the "excuses" weren't valid, its just that they were really excuses for his choices. And that is what NS is saying, stop making excuses for choices that one readily made. This is what is meant my "owning" one's choices. I have gained a fair amount of weight over my marriage. Much of it due to having four kids, but equally due to emotional eating. See, I could have had an affair, but I chose to eat in response to the issues of my marriage. The food was comforting and so I turned to it instead of my spouse again and again (so did he, LOL). And my body paid the price. No one forced me to eat emotionally. And no one forces anyone to cheat for emotional reasons either. My post only came across harsh because i was still seething over her previous post to me and how hypoctitical people like taylor have been towards me... in any event i enjoyed reading your very well written persepctive on this issue...
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 So your wife knows you are chatting with other women on LoveShack forums and she is completely comfortable with this? Does she read your threads? It's not sarcasm, NS. It's total disbelief. I can't believe your MC would approve of this internet usage in light of the fact that you used the internet to cheat. Where are the firm boundaries? If a man went to a bar and picked up a woman to cheat with, wouldn't you think bars would be off limit to him as he attempted marital recovery. If a man cheated on his wife every time he got intoxicated, wouldn't you think alcohol would be off limit to him as he attempted marital recovery. It just makes sense to me that your internet usage would be greatly restricted in your case because you used it to cheat. And I can't believe your wife and MC have not set this as a firm boundary. Do they really think it is OK for you to be chatting with women on the internet? They are both comfortable with this? It's not sarcasm, NS...it's utter disbelief. No my wife dosent know i am posting on LS,as i have vowed to do i would tell her if i thought it violated her trust or i was betraying her in any way but i beleive LS has and continues to be helpful to me and in turn has helped my w and my marriage... i come to LS myself as a way to talk things out and gain ideas from others experiences and garner opinions and ideas to better myself and my marriage, thats why i am here..I use suggestions given to me to better my life. I dont get your refernece to talking to other woman on here, you are trying to compare Ls to a dating site and attempting to make me look bad...i talk to real people here who have been in the same situation as me, i hear from different sides and it helps me, very similar to how ic and mc help me.i dont care if they are man,woman or dog as long as they offer me honest advice and ideas and tell me of their life experiences.. Your analogies make no sense, if i was on a dating site or in a chat room talking to woman i might understand your point but this is a reach at best taylor.. This is yet another try at attacking my character and my recovery and again i dont appreciate it and it gets tiring having to defend myself to everyone and especially to you, when you were an ow who is in the same boat as me, yet you somehow are hypocritical and seem to think you are somehow different.
taylor Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I also tend to beleive and i could be wrong because i cant speak for a bs that it might be easier for a bs to get over a ws finding a f*** buddy on the internet than someone who gives themselves everyday to another, someone who betrays trust everyday,laughs and tells secrets to another,spends there time thinking about this person,seeks this person out to help with there emotional and sometimes physical needs. I prefaced my post saying one type of cheating is not any better than the other. But I do believe, as I stated in my post, that it sheds light on the character of the person. My husband WOULD be shocked beyond belief if I did what you did because that is so far removed from my character as a person he would never be able to wrap his head around that. But he WAS able to wrap his head around how I could become emotionally involved with someone I worked side by side with. He could see how weak boundaries in a friendship could cross those gray areas into something inappropriate. If I had done what you did, I know with great certainty my husband and I would be divorced by now. There would have been no talk of any marital recovery. He would never be able to look at me as a person in any decent light ever again. And, FWIW, you not only went on the internet to find a F-buddy, you ALSO gave yourself to her, betrayed your wife's trust, laughed, told secrets, spent time thinking about her, and sought her out for emotional and physical needs. For heaven's sake, NS, you thought she was your soulmate and you were ready to mindle your children together. You did both. so use infatuation or love as an excuse to make your A seem better, but in the end your A was no better No excuses here. My affair was no better or worse than yours. I thought I clarified that in my post. That is not the comparison I am making here. I am not looking at the affair, per se. I am looking at the character of the cheater. How you enter an affair says something about the character of the cheater. Please don't read more into it than that.
NoIDidn't Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 taylor Why are you basically trying to get rid of NS by throwing the "internet usage" and "talking to women" thing in his face? Your inability to see that you are doing the exact same thing is just incredulous. Everything that you are saying to him, you should be saying to yourself. You are using every angle you can find to basically say to him that "you are better" and "he is worse". Maybe you should be the person to stop posting to this thread. It is only triggering you in the worse ways.
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 So your wife knows you are chatting with other women on LoveShack forums and she is completely comfortable with this? Does she read your threads? He isn't "chatting up" other women. He's getting advice! That's a low blow.. Did YOU tell your H about your postings? "Chatting it up" with other men on here? MANY CS's and even BS's don't tell their spouses about this place..
NoIDidn't Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 He isn't "chatting up" other women. He's getting advice! That's a low blow.. Did YOU tell your H about your postings? "Chatting it up" with other men on here? MANY CS's and even BS's don't tell their spouses about this place.. EXACTLY! That was low and totally uncalled for. This place is like writing in a diary but getting feedback. I can't believe she went there...
Gamine Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Maybe the rationale behind the cheating doesn't necessarily mitigate the cheating, but rather spells out what the cheater was looking for in the act. For you, Taylor, it may have been emotional. For NS and his AP both went into with sex on the brain and got confused in the process. While cold and trolling the sex created the illusion of feelings. I'm sure that married men having affairs do have genuine feelings for the AP, but there are also those who are actually doing all of the 'sweet talk' for a bootie call. This doesn't surprise me at all. I've seen it since middle school. I suppose we may stupidly believe that it is something people grow out of. What if it is simply as ridiculous now as it was then? What about his former AP? I wonder if she's still doing her thing on the sex hook up sites? I wonder if she'll meet prince charming and ever be able to admit what she's been up to... or whether she'll just be lying about herself for the rest of her life. At least NS is paying the piper and manning up. Even if he didn't do it before... you have to give him credit where it is due. He's doing it now.
taylor Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 more excuses, take responsibility for yourself taylor, you cheated on your H because it was something you wanted to do,you continued everyday to let yourself grow with this om, to tell him your secrets,to confide in him emotionally and vice versa, you becaem infatuated and you loved it.. I never told the OM any of my secrets. He knew nothing of my marriage or my family. And I never confided in him about any problem in my life or marriage. I did become attached to this man as I tried to help him with the many problems he had in his life. There was a sexual attraction but we never acted on it. Many posters on this forum are well aware of how much responsibility I have taken with regard to my affair. They are well aware of how much blame I have put on myself. They are aware of how hard it has been for me to shake the self-loathing and how difficult it has been for me to forgive myself for not maintaining clear, firm boundaries. Many are aware I make no excuse for my affair. I have owned it from day one and they know this..as does my husband. stop with the conflict avoider and that you were unhappy, confused and broken and you just couldnt pinpoint it excuses and take resposibility for what it was I was talking about what leads to the breakdown of a marriage, regardless of whether there is cheating or not in the marriage. Marriages do break down because one partner is broken and either one or both are conflict avoiders. And sometimes it is difficult for marital partners to pinpoint the problems within themselves or within the marriage. They can hang in limbo for years not knowing what to do to fix things. It took a good year of MC for us to "see" what caused the deterioration of our marriage over time...to "see" what we ignored..to "see" what went unresolved to the point where it eroded the very foundation of our marriage. Again, I was talking about marital discord and marital resolution...not cheating. Again, you are reading for too much into my posts...or misinterpreting them.
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Taylor, I'm just trying to understand your frame of mind, your anger and resentment towards NS9..It's like all that anger, and any negative emotion you're feeling is being directed at NS..I agree with NID, maybe it's time for you to not post on NS's threads anymore since you're getting triggered, and can't seem to help him. The arguing, pointing out his mistakes constantly, is tiresome, not only for him, but to me and probably to you as well. Take care of you, and maybe seek some counselling so you can get the answers you're looking for, from inside of you. Some of what you're doing here is reflecting your own worst fears, thoughts and desires onto NS. He isn't the devil. Yeah he f**k'd up and made some selfish choices that hurt his wife, but he is trying to fix all that. He has courage inside of him, and alot of honesty. It takes alot of strength to also open up like he has on a public forum and take the beatings he has taken..And he's still here!! Most who get beat up like he has, LEAVE LS and never come back. I give him credit for still posting and facing the music.
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