I just dont get it

[Spark1111]

NS, I for one, appreciate your honesty and how hard you are working to reconcile your marriage.

 

I think you have struck a nerve because so many others justify the affair by believing their MM or MW is deeply in love with them, and maybe they have every reason to believe those feelings and perceptions are true.

 

Just as it is unnerving for BS to read about how deeply in love OW and OM are with their MM and MW, or how the MM or MW loves them in return.

 

I guess, at the end of the day, we all want to believe our feelings are true, and they are true for us. No one wants to believe they are in a passionate life-altering relationship, whether it be an affair or a marriage, and think we are being deceived by our partner.

 

We have more in common then we realize.

 

You will always remain unpopular with the OW and OM crowd because you threw your AP under the bus. That will endear you to many BSs on the board who are taking hope from your efforts to successfully reconcile with your spouse.

 

Other posters who are pining away for their OM/OW will give hope to those in a similiar situation that their realtionship may win out if and when the marriage ends.

 

I think we all need to have hope in our hearts that the person who claims to love us, will do exactly that.

 

We just have differing perceptions.

[whichwayisup]

To an extent, yes...but I'm only going on what he told us - that she tried to break it off and he kept reeling her back in with lies.

 

To an extent? She was just as married as he was.. Also, get your facts straight. The exMW ended the A and tried to do NC, but she kept caving and calling NS, breaking NC and then TOGETHER they couldn't or wouldn't let go. She allowed herself to be sucked back and he allowed himself to be sucked back in. She is NOT blameless at all so please stop trying to protray the EXMW was a poor little innocent victim.

[MistyK]

To an extent? She was just as married as he was.. Also, get your facts straight. The exMW ended the A and tried to do NC, but she kept caving and calling NS, breaking NC and then TOGETHER they couldn't or wouldn't let go. She allowed herself to be sucked back and he allowed himself to be sucked back in. She is NOT blameless at all so please stop trying to protray the EXMW was a poor little innocent victim.

 

Yeah, I can see I missed some key details about all of this along the way and I sincerely apologize for saying anything at all because it's clear I wasn't aware of the whole story. Had I been aware, I never would have commented because this kind of thing just pisses me off. Married people trolling for a piece of a** somehow rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because I like to think my A was more like "it just happened". I wasn't actively seeking it out, or so I thought.

 

NS, Perhaps I misinterpreted your banter with Jennie. If so, I apologize. Based on what I know now, yeah, your xMW got what she deserved, and frankly, so did you.

 

I remain concerned about his lack of empathy in general and I don't think that bodes well for his recovery. But hey, what do I know. The "get over it" trip isn't going to work well with his W when she's still reeling a year from now.

 

And to everyone else, I apologize for coming off a bit too harsh. It does hit a wee bit close to home. No one likes the idea that they were not only lied to but that the liar revels in thinking their really clever afterwards.

[Devil Inside]

NS, I for one, appreciate your honesty and how hard you are working to reconcile your marriage.

 

I think you have struck a nerve because so many others justify the affair by believing their MM or MW is deeply in love with them, and maybe they have every reason to believe those feelings and perceptions are true.

 

Just as it is unnerving for BS to read about how deeply in love OW and OM are with their MM and MW, or how the MM or MW loves them in return.

 

I guess, at the end of the day, we all want to believe our feelings are true, and they are true for us. No one wants to believe they are in a passionate life-altering relationship, whether it be an affair or a marriage, and think we are being deceived by our partner.

 

We have more in common then we realize.

 

You will always remain unpopular with the OW and OM crowd because you threw your AP under the bus. That will endear you to many BSs on the board who are taking hope from your efforts to successfully reconcile with your spouse.

 

Other posters who are pining away for their OM/OW will give hope to those in a similiar situation that their realtionship may win out if and when the marriage ends.

 

I think we all need to have hope in our hearts that the person who claims to love us, will do exactly that.

 

We just have differing perceptions.

 

 

Great post. I imagine it is difficult for any of us to not be triggered by anything written here. In the end I hope we can all understand that As hurt all invovled...and we all deserve compassion.

[NoIDidn't]

I am curious as to why NS deserves less respect because he went on a dating site for marrieds and Misty your AP reeled you in by lying about his marriage and his wife. They are both deceptive and void of honor. What makes one worse than the other when the end result was the same?

 

 

I really feel that Misty and taylor were just triggered by their own issues in their affairs. Both of them were married at the onset of the affairs that they both had. Misty may feel that she was more honorable in that she left her H to pursue a proper relationship with her MM, but the end result was the same. Misty had an affair too and the fact that she identifies as mostly OW here distorts that factor. Taylor seems to also be rehashing her affair with NS even though he is not the MM she was dealing with.

 

Both seem to want the same thing: for NS to play a proxy of their MMs and make their pain go away. Both were MW in affairs with OM, but Misty's OM was also MM. To me, they both seem to demanding respect from him in the name of his xMW, but really it comes off like its for them and not her.

 

I really hate to see them jumping on NS, regardless of the tone of his posts. It seems like good old fashioned projection. And if they are willing to recognize that aspect of why he offends them so much, it might actually help them in their personal situations.

 

But, this is just my two cents and purely MVHO.

[Gamine]

NS, I think I remember posting something to you on another thread suggesting that you may be a 'saboteur' ... just like my husband.

 

I posted information on my experiences with my husband and his utter lack of feelings for the MOW and received a heck of a lot of flack and mockery for it. I showed your post to my husband who remarked quite plainly... that you and he had quite a bit in common... with the exception that he never consciously felt love at all. Devoid of love or feeling for the OW entirely. Basically telling her whatever she needed to hear to get the job done.

 

What many do not understand is that a saboteur is not necessarily an addict per se. It is compulsive behavior to tear down in order to build up. It can stem from unresolved feelings of being undeserving. My husband received some help from an IC with regard to this and has, as a consequence, addressed the root cause for his compulsion for destruction.

 

If I remember accurately, you had several 'tools' that you have used throughout your life to destroy/tear down. I remember reading your post and being able to clearly identify similarities between yourself and my husband. Saboteurs have their own form of hurt. What many cannot understand here is that it is entirely possible that you engaged in an affair and all that went into it as an extension of this compulsion and that you lacked true feelings for the OW because it wasn't really a relationship at all (psychologically, that is).

 

I want you to know something, NS. Despite all the crap flying your way I want you to know that I understand more about where you are coming from than you could possibly believe. I have lived through it as the BS of a saboteur. Like you, my husband's tool for destruction was the OW and frankly before her it was something else. It is a psychological form of acting out, therefore (at least according to the IC) it is no surprise you had no genuine feelings for the OW.

 

And, everyone here should realize that perhaps NS isn't a diabolical creep. The only word of caution I would like to extend to you is a head's up that your need to tear down and build back up ... (ruin marriage & now fix marriage) is a pattern. Go see someone who specializes in this if you can and nip it in the bud while you are no longer acting out...

 

I hope I wasn't presumptuous in posting these comments. I want you to know that I wish you the best of luck for a wonderful marriage and hope that both of you find happiness and love.

[Gamine]

 

Duh, the OW is the OW boat. This anology was part of a general discussion between my MM and I why MM so often throw their OW under the bus on Dday. But if we presume this anology is valid for all EMRs, Gamine, which boat are you? The W boat whom MM makes sure does not sink before he returns to the OW boat?

 

 

Are you freakin' kidding me? You and I share ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON. Please refrain from extending your situation to me in any way shape or form.

 

I may be completely wrong about my assumptions concerning the information you've conveyed in your posts and apologize in advance if I've got you wrong. However, JJ, I see a woman who would like for once in her life to be someone's choice. You would probably love to be married and yet despite all that you've experienced you do not know the warmth a stable marriage can bring to one's life. It does not surprise me, therefore, that you have no respect for the 'institution of marriage' which you claim is nothing but emotionless, meaningless, ownership over another that attempts to legislate love. Your posts are all over the place. In one you claim you love getting the sex. In another you don't want a commitment. In another you state you want him to pick you. In another you are his love and his passion and his wife is merely a roommate.

 

I genuinely have compassion for you, JJ, I really do. But you certainly do rub me the wrong way with your constant assaults on marriage and those who believe in the sanctity of it...

[NoIDidn't]

Gamine, I take no offense at JJ's post that you quoted.

 

I agree with NS that she is being worked over by her MM and just doesn't know it yet.

 

The conversation is a common one among the truly narcissistic type. My ex was like that. He once asked me was I a melon or a hot fudge sundae. It was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. And when he explained it to me, it was still dumb. He was basically telling me that he saw me as the fudge sundae - definitely desireable, but not healthy in the long run. He was saying that his girlfriend/fiance may have been plain looking like the melon, but in the long run, she was healthier for him. Grrrr!!!

 

I see that boat thing no differently. He is basically telling her that she is HIS safe place, but not that he is not hers.

[Gamine]

Gamine, I take no offense at JJ's post that you quoted.

 

I agree with NS that she is being worked over by her MM and just doesn't know it yet.

 

The conversation is a common one among the truly narcissistic type. My ex was like that. He once asked me was I a melon or a hot fudge sundae. It was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. And when he explained it to me, it was still dumb. He was basically telling me that he saw me as the fudge sundae - definitely desireable, but not healthy in the long run. He was saying that his girlfriend/fiance may have been plain looking like the melon, but in the long run, she was healthier for him. Grrrr!!!

 

I see that boat thing no differently. He is basically telling her that she is HIS safe place, but not that he is not hers.

 

I took offense to her extending her romance novel dynamic nonsense as the OW to my life drawing the inference that I'm being played as an idiot while my husband lurks and waits to return to his OW. I take it as mockery of marriage.

[NoIDidn't]

I took offense to her extending her romance novel dynamic nonsense as the OW to my life drawing the inference that I'm being played as an idiot while my husband lurks and waits to return to his OW. I take it as mockery of marriage.

 

I understand. But I still think that its her MM that's reinforcing this image for her. Its he that really hates marriage and is making a mockery of it. Its his words that she is parrotting here.

 

Its evident that she wants what marriage represents in wanting an exclusive relationship with him. What she doesn't seem to realize, IMO, is that he is not interested in exclusivity from any woman. He even mocked GEL being married to her former MM.

 

This man wants nothing good for JJ, just for himself. I just hope she doesn't get too hurt in ignoring what's plainly in front of her. He is telling her who he is, but she isn't listening. She's too busy thinking that it only applies to his W. She can't see yet, that it applies to her too. (at least this is my assessment of her situation based on what she reports that he says to her)

[NOTSURE7]

Yeah, I can see I missed some key details about all of this along the way and I sincerely apologize for saying anything at all because it's clear I wasn't aware of the whole story. Had I been aware, I never would have commented because this kind of thing just pisses me off. Married people trolling for a piece of a** somehow rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because I like to think my A was more like "it just happened". I wasn't actively seeking it out, or so I thought.

 

NS, Perhaps I misinterpreted your banter with Jennie. If so, I apologize. Based on what I know now, yeah, your xMW got what she deserved, and frankly, so did you.

 

I remain concerned about his lack of empathy in general and I don't think that bodes well for his recovery. But hey, what do I know. The "get over it" trip isn't going to work well with his W when she's still reeling a year from now.

 

And to everyone else, I apologize for coming off a bit too harsh. It does hit a wee bit close to home. No one likes the idea that they were not only lied to but that the liar revels in thinking their really clever afterwards.

 

I see an apology of sorts hidden in here and i understand you didnt have the full details before writing the things you did..

 

but for you to say "Married people trolling for a piece of a** somehow rubs me the wrong way" is ridiculous, An affair is an affair, who cares how it started, it makes it no better,you seem to think your affair was somehow more acceptable because of how it happened but the fact is an affair is selfish,self centered and disrespectful no matter how it started, so for you to chastise me for trolling for a piece of a** and for you to think you are somehow a better person because your affair "just happened" is beyond ridiculous.

 

As far as you making a comment on my empathy, you again have no idea what you are talking about, I have not at anytime told my W to get over it, from dday until now i have been there for her every single step of the way, i have been open and honest and answered every single question,i have engaged her and asked her what is on her mind full well knowing that i wont like what i will hear,i have asked her what her needs are and i work everyday to make sure she gets what she desreves and we have worked together to strengthen our m along with both of us going to ic and a weekly mc session..

 

You continue to judge me based on the fact you are an ow and you dont particularly like how i treated my ow...i never claimed to be clever, in fact the things i have done to my w would actually make me stupid, but because i dont feel like i owe my ow anything you think i am reveling, beleive me i am not reveling in anything.

 

But please dont comment on my empathy because you have no idea,Just as an example, I have been up since 3:30 am this morning holding my crying wife in my arms and letting her voice her anger and talking to her and comforting her..

[MistyK]

but for you to say "Married people trolling for a piece of a** somehow rubs me the wrong way" is ridiculous, An affair is an affair, who cares how it started, it makes it no better,you seem to think your affair was somehow more acceptable because of how it happened but the fact is an affair is selfish,self centered and disrespectful no matter how it started, so for you to chastise me for trolling for a piece of a** and for you to think you are somehow a better person because your affair "just happened" is beyond ridiculous.

 

I respectfully disagree. When MM and I were on a break last year I met a man online and we went on one date. Something seemed awry, and I got back with MM and I never saw him again. Months later, i get a call from his online guy's W (he told me he was divorced) and find out that everything he told me was a lie. I told her everything and I had the dating site remove his profile. I felt he was absolutely scum of the Earth.

 

To me, it's the difference between unfortunate circumstances leading to a lapse in judgement (wrong place at the wrong time) vs premeditation. I didn't consciously set out to have an affair. People trolling online are setting out for the express purpose of having an affair. In that situation vs something unexpected happening suddenly, there is plenty of time to review one's actions and yet the WS continues on until they catch an OW. I think there's a distinction.

 

But then, maybe that's just what I have to tell myself so I can sleep at night.

[Gamine]

I respectfully disagree. When MM and I were on a break last year I met a man online and we went on one date. Something seemed awry, and I got back with MM and I never saw him again. Months later, i get a call from his online guy's W (he told me he was divorced) and find out that everything he told me was a lie. I told her everything and I had the dating site remove his profile. I felt he was absolutely scum of the Earth.

 

To me, it's the difference between unfortunate circumstances leading to a lapse in judgement (wrong place at the wrong time) vs premeditation. I didn't consciously set out to have an affair. People trolling online are setting out for the express purpose of having an affair. In that situation vs something unexpected happening suddenly, there is plenty of time to review one's actions and yet the WS continues on until they catch an OW. I think there's a distinction.

 

But then, maybe that's just what I have to tell myself so I can sleep at night.

 

 

But you see, MistyK, that's you because you have a big heart and loved this man in particular... which gave rise to your affair. The thing that sucks is that you don't know what you guy's state of mind was. One can only hope that it wasn't trolling. But in the end what difference does it make other than simply hurting yourself... your own feelings... trying to figure out what he was REALLY doing.

 

You were clearly not using your time as OW to be a bootie call. But at those hook up sites the level of woman is not the same as you. It is like comparing a Rolls Royce to a trolly cart... with you being the Rolls Royce. Those women are basically horny looking to get laid. Period. They themselves are trolling for a troller. So they get each other... a perfect match.

 

I am not corporeal... so I don't get needing someone for sex... just anyone with the body parts to do the deed. I need chemistry.

 

You are trying to understand something from a 'nice girl perspective' that only can be understood by people who are basically just looking to get off. I find it unimaginable and gross, but clearly there are millions of married and single women who are into it.

 

Your heart and mind cannot wrap itself around this because it isn't in you... and that is a good thing.

[Dexter Morgan]

Obviously you treated your W poorly. You will not also acknowledge the wrongness of your manipulative tactics with your OW

 

manipulative tactics with his OW?? Uh, the OW was married. There shouldn't have been any tactics that she should have fallen for. SHE IS MARRIED. And so is he. They both suck for cheating on their spouses, and the OW is not the victim here. Her husband and NS's wife are.

 

So I will say, NS was a downright bastard for cheating on his wife, but so what if he "manipulated" the OW...an OW that shouldn't have been able to be manipulated in the first place since she is married. So what? She was cheating on her husband.....so thats just tough s##t for her.

 

 

 

and I bet that's just fine with your W.

 

and why should his wife care how he treated a woman that was f#cking her husband?

 

 

It is however, indicative of your character, as is your "get over it" sentiments. Good luck. I give up.

 

his "get over it" sentiments are EXACTLY what people that end and affair and are "committed" to working on the marriage need to hear. If he is to be working on his marriage and putting all his energy into his wife, then he NEEDS to "get over it". Are you for real?

 

Sorry, tough s##t for the involved affair partners. NS's responsibility is to his wife and it should have been the OW's to her husband. She is not the victim here. Only NS's wife, and the OW's husband.

[NOTSURE7]

I respectfully disagree. When MM and I were on a break last year I met a man online and we went on one date. Something seemed awry, and I got back with MM and I never saw him again. Months later, i get a call from his online guy's W (he told me he was divorced) and find out that everything he told me was a lie. I told her everything and I had the dating site remove his profile. I felt he was absolutely scum of the Earth.

 

To me, it's the difference between unfortunate circumstances leading to a lapse in judgement (wrong place at the wrong time) vs premeditation. I didn't consciously set out to have an affair. People trolling online are setting out for the express purpose of having an affair. In that situation vs something unexpected happening suddenly, there is plenty of time to review one's actions and yet the WS continues on until they catch an OW. I think there's a distinction.

 

But then, maybe that's just what I have to tell myself so I can sleep at night.

 

It has to be about what you have to tell yourself to sleep because what your saying is ridiculous...

 

so are you telling me that when an A happens unexpected or suddenly which by the way i think is also a bunch of crap because you know full well what your doing when you enter into any affair, but are you really telling me that you had no time to review your actions?

 

Just curiosuly in your mind,how does it happens so suddenly that you have no time to review your actions?..did you get caught by surprise? did it start in 1 day?...

 

if this isint a weak justification for being an ow in an affair i dont know what is...

 

Affairs are wrong, Period

[MistyK]

It has to be about what you have to tell yourself to sleep because what your saying is ridiculous...

 

so are you telling me that when an A happens unexpected or suddenly which by the way i think is also a bunch of crap because you know full well what your doing when you enter into any affair, but are you really telling me that you had no time to review your actions?

 

Just curiosuly in your mind,how does it happens so suddenly that you have no time to review your actions?..did you get caught by surprise? did it start in 1 day?...

 

if this isint a weak justification for being an ow in an affair i dont know what is...

 

Affairs are wrong, Period

 

It's not a justification at all.

 

I'm just saying that I find your methods repulsive. As an unhappy MW, I never, nor would I ever have posted myself online. I ended up getting too close to another unhappily married friend. I didn't set out to do anything, not consciously anyway. You did. You spent hours making up a profile, getting a secret email address, checking your hits, etc. Then, you started contact with these women and then you started seeing them. You had many many oppurtunities to review your desire to have sex with another woman. I, on the other hand, gradually got emotionally too close -I was caught by surprise because I fell in love with someone who was not my H. The PA didn't come til much later. It's just different.

 

It doesn't in any way justofy what happened or what i did, but it's just different than what you did. I don't expect someone like you to "get it".

[ladydesigner]

It's not a justification at all.

 

I'm just saying that I find your methods repulsive. As an unhappy MW, I never, nor would I ever have posted myself online. I ended up getting too close to another unhappily married friend. I didn't set out to do anything, not consciously anyway. You did. You spent hours making up a profile, getting a secret email address, checking your hits, etc. Then, you started contact with these women and then you started seeing them. You had many many oppurtunities to review your desire to have sex with another woman. I, on the other hand, gradually got emotionally too close -I was caught by surprise because I fell in love with someone who was not my H. The PA didn't come til much later. It's just different.

 

It doesn't in any way justofy what happened or what i did, but it's just different than what you did. I don't expect someone like you to "get it".

 

 

I agree with this. MistyK your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine in the sense that I am a MW and I started to develop feelings with my co-worker whom I was also friends with for a year before any affair even began. I as well got emotionally too close. I think there is a big difference between something happening gradually and someone actively seeking an A out. Yes we all know what we are getting into and review our actions but there is a big difference in how it happens emotionally... I think. Maybe someone actively searching out an A is not as emotionally attached as an A that happens gradually usually an EA progressing to a PA.

[NOTSURE7]

It's not a justification at all.

 

I'm just saying that I find your methods repulsive. As an unhappy MW, I never, nor would I ever have posted myself online. I ended up getting too close to another unhappily married friend. I didn't set out to do anything, not consciously anyway. You did. You spent hours making up a profile, getting a secret email address, checking your hits, etc. Then, you started contact with these women and then you started seeing them. You had many many oppurtunities to review your desire to have sex with another woman. I, on the other hand, gradually got emotionally too close -I was caught by surprise because I fell in love with someone who was not my H. The PA didn't come til much later. It's just different.

 

It doesn't in any way justofy what happened or what i did, but it's just different than what you did. I don't expect someone like you to "get it".

 

I actually find this humorous that you describe my methods as repulsive but in your mind your method was somehow ok...

 

so what you are saying is that when you got too close to your married friend there was nothing premeditated about that?, the fact you were "gradually" thinking about him all the time, or that you became his confidant and he became yours, you shared sacred secrets and lunches and innocent touches,you thought about him when he wasnt there, you sought him out.... this dosent sound all so innocent to me.it sounds like a selfish, needy woman with a well executed plan.

 

was there no time to stop this affair?...was there no time to think and end it before the physical affair began? or was it just yikes i cant beleive this, i fell in love, however did this happen, now its time to take this to the next level because it just happened...i mean really...

 

you set out to find this man everyday, knowing full well he was married but you didnt care, you asked him about his life and let him confide in you and in return you did the same, you laughed and shared everything together, even the most sacred things,you knew what you were doing each and everyday... i am sorry misty but i dont see how this wasnt planned or premeditated on your part.

 

The bottom line is you were an ow, i was an om, the affairs are the same self serving,selfish,needy,disrespectful affair no matter how you slice and dice it.

[bentnotbroken]

I respectfully disagree. When MM and I were on a break last year I met a man online and we went on one date. Something seemed awry, and I got back with MM and I never saw him again. Months later, i get a call from his online guy's W (he told me he was divorced) and find out that everything he told me was a lie. I told her everything and I had the dating site remove his profile. I felt he was absolutely scum of the Earth.

 

To me, it's the difference between unfortunate circumstances leading to a lapse in judgement (wrong place at the wrong time) vs premeditation. I didn't consciously set out to have an affair. People trolling online are setting out for the express purpose of having an affair. In that situation vs something unexpected happening suddenly, there is plenty of time to review one's actions and yet the WS continues on until they catch an OW. I think there's a distinction.

 

But then, maybe that's just what I have to tell myself so I can sleep at night.

 

 

Misty, unfortunately there is no distention. You cannot know 100% that the MM you are with wasn't trolling. You know what he told you. You also know that he is at ease with lying, since he is lying to his wife. Either way, MP decides to continue in lying and deceiving. They are making decisions for another's life without their knowledge and are indeed acting out of selfishness. NS is owning his, is the MM you're involved with owning his? He keeps knocking and you keep answering. NS just admitted, the MM that you deal with hasn't chosen to admit anything other than his actions are all about him. There is no difference, the ending destruction is the same.

[ladydesigner]

so what you are saying is that when you got too close to your married friend there was nothing premeditated about that?, the fact you were "gradually" thinking about him all the time, or that you became his confidant and he became yours, you shared sacred secrets and lunches and innocent touches,you thought about him when he wasnt there, you sought him out.... this dosent sound all so innocent to me.it sounds like a selfish, needy woman with a well executed plan.

 

NS you are right in saying that we do seek this out. I in fact am a MW who had an A with xOM, he had a SO. I feel I was more unhappy and lonely with a need for validation, I guess in a sick way I am in no way saying what I did was right in anyway, but the last thing I was thinking of was being a selfish, needy woman with a well executed plan. My H had an affair previous to mine so I think in a lot of ways my affair was a revenge A but I was not actively thinking of revenge. These affairs do "gradually happen" and we are aware of them happening. I don't think any of us wanted to be in an A and then end up being hurt.

[NOTSURE7]

NS you are right in saying that we do seek this out. I in fact am a MW who had an A with xOM, he had a SO. I feel I was more unhappy and lonely with a need for validation, I guess in a sick way I am in no way saying what I did was right in anyway, but the last thing I was thinking of was being a selfish, needy woman with a well executed plan. My H had an affair previous to mine so I think in a lot of ways my affair was a revenge A but I was not actively thinking of revenge. These affairs do "gradually happen" and we are aware of them happening. I don't think any of us wanted to be in an A and then end up being hurt.

 

i respect what your saying but no affair just happens without someones knowledge, you knew what you were entering in too, you put yourself out there,made yourself available so no matter what the reason, you knew the dangers and you also knew full well what you were doing and so did i and so did misty...

 

the fact is we were all selfish,we were needy,we were self centered,

 

i can readily admit that there is no justifcation for my actions, but for misty to try and validate her affair because it just "gradually" happened or for you to say it was about revenge makes it no better than mine, its ridiculous.

[bentnotbroken]

The thing that is getting me is the assumption that a gradual emotional build up is some how better than a looking for a "F" buddy. I my eyes they are more destructive because of the intrusion on the affections of the BS. Cheating is cheating is cheating. NO matter what one tells themselves about the married AP. To most BS I can almost guarantee that they don't give a damn about how it started. Emotional for years or physical right off the bat...the heart hurts the same.

 

Who would have thought there was a hierarchy among cheaters. Honor amongst thieves I guess.

[NOTSURE7]

The thing that is getting me is the assumption that a gradual emotional build up is some how better than a looking for a "F" buddy. I my eyes they are more destructive because of the intrusion on the affections of the BS. Cheating is cheating is cheating. NO matter what one tells themselves about the married AP. To most BS I can almost guarantee that they don't give a damn about how it started. Emotional for years or physical right off the bat...the heart hurts the same.

 

Who would have thought there was a hierarchy among cheaters. Honor amongst thieves I guess.

 

this is very well said and exactly what i was stating...

 

I can at least recognize it...

[MistyK]

Misty, unfortunately there is no distention. You cannot know 100% that the MM you are with wasn't trolling. You know what he told you. You also know that he is at ease with lying, since he is lying to his wife. Either way, MP decides to continue in lying and deceiving. They are making decisions for another's life without their knowledge and are indeed acting out of selfishness. NS is owning his, is the MM you're involved with owning his? He keeps knocking and you keep answering. NS just admitted, the MM that you deal with hasn't chosen to admit anything other than his actions are all about him. There is no difference, the ending destruction is the same.

 

BNB,

I wasn't referring to xMM, I was referring to myself, when I was M, having an EA with xMM.

 

I have no idea if xMM was trolling or not, but I think he wasn't really looking for sex, he was looking to fill the emotional whole. It was many months before it got physical. Looking back on it, I can see that I was looking to fill a emotional hole too. And I'm not going to defend him here, I am having a hard enough time dealing with all he put me through.

 

Here is my distinction between what I did and what NS did (other than the obvious PA and long-term and serial A's). I was living my life like usual. I wasn't thinking that I wanted to be with someone outside my marriage. It never even occurred to me until after I was already emotionally involved. NS intended from the beginning to have a PA. It's not like I was doing anything radically differently (ex: signing up for a sex-partner online), xMM was someone I talked to already. I just talked to him more because he was having his own issues and we understood each other. We were both vulnerable and with limited social networks to draw on. The EA didn't go on for more than a few weeks before I realized that I could not do that to my H. I didn't want to be some hardened cheater. xMM apparently did not have such an attack of conscience, not until years later anyway.

 

Again, with all due respect, if I was the BW, this distinction would matter to me. It says a lot about the person. Not that either way is right. Obviously it is all wrong and hurtful.

[bentnotbroken]

As a FBS, let me tell you, it makes little difference. I believe(and no I don't speak for all BS) that the only thing that would be only remotely easy to swallow would be if the AP were single and had no idea WS was married. They didn't knowingly get involved and when the found out, they put a stop to it. I wouldn't care how long it took for it to go physical. Research also shows for most women who have been betrayed, the emotional aspect is more devastating than the physical. To give something to an outsider that BS only thought was shared with them.

 

We will disagree, but is just difference between tomato(long a)and tomato(short a) IMO.