I just dont get it

[whichwayisup]

He is judging people for having feelings..saying it is wrong to have feelings such as love, anger, resentment, or longing for an AP after an affair.

 

Or maybe he's just over it completely and doesn't care enough to react to his recent affair break up.

 

Where is he judging people?

 

Ofcourse it's normal to have those feelings, but after a while, one has to decide to get over it, let go and move on. what's the point of going in circles and feeling something that is done and over with? For some it takes longer, maybe even years..Though it seems (atleast for now) NS is doing his best TO move on and focus on more important feelings and issues - His wife.

[taylor]

Taylor, sorry to say this, but you're still not getting it. NS is DONE with exMW.

 

You keep pushing and pushing, bringing up his exMW, and he is over it. This thread is about his WIFE now and moving forward, not looking backwards. He's even asked you to drop it and you keep on talking about it.

 

No, this thread is not about his WIFE.

 

Reread his first post in this thread.

 

The post is about how he doesn't "get" how people who had affairs can still retain feelings months and years later regarding their affair partner.

 

The ONLY reason I brought up the whole point about an apology was because MistyK made a remark about how MM think they can crap on their OW and get away with it. The entire thread snowballed from there.

 

I was NOT the one who initiated discussion regarding OWs. He is the one who mentioned OW/OM first...right in his original post. If you don't want to talk about OW or OM, don't bring them up. Talk about your wife instead.

 

But I am entitled to respond to posts that reference my posts and state my name. I make no apologies for that.

 

And I am entitled to my opinions, even if they disagree with the OP's. I make no apologies for that, either.

 

Again, this thread was never intended to be about his WIFE.

 

But if he wants to start a discussion about his wife, he has every right to and should.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry Taylor, I got confused which one of his threads this was...My mistake, sorry..

[taylor]

Sorry Taylor, I got confused which one of his threads this was...My mistake, sorry..

 

It's OK. Same thing happened to me yesterday when I got confused and forgot his OW was married.

 

You know, WWIU, NS started this thread after he checked my thread out on the OM/OW forum...the one in which I was trying to deal with newly surfaced feelings of anger and resentment regarding the OM and my job loss.

 

He said in a post here that I was "wrong" for doing this. He doesn't "get" this. (You can look it up. I'm not going to bother looking for it)

 

In some ways, I take this thread as a personal attack. This is the bitterness coming out in me. A serial cheater engaged in a recently-ended sexual affair and brand new to recovery telling me...a one-timer engaged in an EA that ended almost 1.5 years ago and in marital recovery/MC since then...what I'm doing wrong. Get off your high horse, NS.

 

Another poster even questioned his motive and referenced my thread on the other forum. He never answered.

 

I want him to know I have every right to feel the way I feel for as long as I want to feel it. And if I need to deal with newly-surfacing feelings that I buried 16 months ago, I CAN. If I need to do this to heal, forgive myself and move on, then I have every right to do it.

 

And I don't need him starting a thread to tell me I'm wrong to do that. And I could care less whether he "gets" it or not.

 

I don't "get" how he can shut feelings off overnight and he doesn't get how buried feelings from 16 months ago can resurface and beg for resolution in order for healing to take place.

 

We'll leave it at that.

[confusedinkansas]

You keep pushing and pushing, bringing up his exMW, and he is over it. This thread is about his WIFE now and moving forward, not looking backwards. He's even asked you to drop it and you keep on talking about it.

This is very true!

 

Taylor:

 

If I didn't know better I'd assume you were the BS in this scenario. But to be the WS & still be THIS hard on NS. Wow! I'd think someone that has been in an affair would understand a little bit.

NOW - the initial post was "I just don't get it" I agree with most posters. I don't know how he has turned his feelings off overnight....BUT this thread has gotten off course & you Taylor have pushed NS. You have twisted it to where you demanded that he should have apologized to this other woman.

 

Yeah to you - for stepping up to the plate & apologizing to everyone involved in your affair. But I do not agree with that. I apologized to my husband. PERIOD. He was the only one that was due one - IMO!

 

Even after I hung out with my OM during my separation - neither one of us apologized for our actions. (& the affair part had been over for 6 or so months) There was no reason to. We were grown ups. We knew what we were doing.....TO EACH OTHER! LOL...To me it's like a boxing match - Both parties beat the sh*T out of each other - Do you think they go into the locker room & apologize to each other. NO! They knew what they were getting into!

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry, BNB, my OM was a single man. And on a scale of one to ten in terms of PRETENSE, my OM was a 3 and NS was a 9.

 

 

I agree that they aren't that the pretense is of different levels, but they are both users...big time.

[Snowflower]

taylor, you're one of my favorite posters here; you're kind of like online friend, IMO!

 

I haven't posted on this thread at all but I just want to add one thing. I really think men and women process emotions and deal with relationships differently-whether it is a friendship, an EMA, a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, or a marriage. I've seen it over and over on forums like these and most definitely IRL--men often react differently to emotions. I'm not saying men can't be emotional because they can be and often are-but how they deal with them is different.

 

I agree that NS had a very quick turnaround regarding his feelings for his wife. I can see why posters here are suspicious. Only he can answer why his feelings changed-and I think he has tried to do this here. Only he (and his wife more importantly) can determine if his feelings about his marriage and his wife are sustainable and real.

 

Men process feelings differently than women. Taylor, I can understand to some degree your feelings about the OM and your affair-even though I am a BS who has never particiated in an affair. I can understand somewhat what you are feeling simply from a woman's perspective.

 

As my husband and I worked through the aftermath of his affair, we did talk quite a bit in the beginning about the affair relationship and specifically the OW. Some of things she did/said (I saw some of their correspondence) I could understand because she and I were both women. I could understand her mindset-I didn't agree and it made me sick-but I could understand it to a point while my husband was clueless about some of this stuff.

 

Just something to keep in mind. No one knows what your OM was really thinking and feeling. He seems like he took advantage of you but maybe he thought the better thing for you was to leave you alone after d-day because again, men think differently about these things. Maybe he thought he was doing the right thing for you by letting you go because he cared and this was the best way as far he was concerned.

 

Just a thought.

[taylor]

This is very true!

 

Taylor:

 

If I didn't know better I'd assume you were the BS in this scenario. But to be the WS & still be THIS hard on NS. Wow! I'd think someone that has been in an affair would understand a little bit.

 

I stand by Post #279. It explains the PUSH. I felt he PUSHED. I just PUSHED BACK.

 

And he said in posts #1 and #3 that he was going to take some heat and was ready for the heat. He asked for the heat. He got it.

 

If he can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

 

As a WS I am hard on NS because I can see right thru him...just like another drug addict can see right thru another.

 

He doesn't need my understanding. He has PLENTY of that coming from all the other women posting to him.

 

 

NOW - the initial post was "I just don't get it" I agree with most posters. I don't know how he has turned his feelings off overnight....BUT this thread has gotten off course & you Taylor have pushed NS. You have twisted it to where you demanded that he should have apologized to this other woman.

 

On the contrary, I am NOT pushing NS to apologize now. This is old old news. NS knew how I felt about this a long time ago..on his other monstrous thread. Once again, IMO, I think he should have apologized the day the affair ended. Ridiculous to do it NOW.

 

It's just a difference of opinion. I think apologizing goes a long way towards healing a situation. Others don't, so don't do it. Each to his own.

 

And I could care less if he feels or felt squat for his OW. Frankly I don't think he ever did. Par for the course for a serial cheater.

 

 

Even after I hung out with my OM during my separation - neither one of us apologized for our actions. (& the affair part had been over for 6 or so months) There was no reason to. We were grown ups.

 

Even grown ups apologize to each other once in awhile. It was your perogative to do or not to do. If it made no difference to either one of you whether you got an apology, who am I to care. And I truly don't really care whether NS gave or got an apology either. If he and his OW are happy without one, good for them.

 

But I like to apologize when I do something wrong to someone and I sure like it when someone does the same for me.

 

And, again, I will leave it at that.

[taylor]

taylor, you're one of my favorite posters here; you're kind of like online friend, IMO!I haven't posted on this thread at all

 

Thanks for the kind words, Snowflower. I think it's a good thing you haven't posted on this thread. You are too sweet and gentle to get caught up in all the crap-slinging here.

 

I really think men and women process emotions and deal with relationships differently

 

I agee, but both men and women are entitled to feel their feelings if they want to and for as long as they want to..without having someone tell them they are wrong for doing so. That's what got me so fired up on this thread.

 

I actually can count more men I know IRL who are pining away for long-lost loves than women. These men are in their mid-30's and still pining away for high school sweethearts who have long since married and bore children. So I know both men and women are capable of deep feelings and feelings that are hard to shake sometimes.

 

I know my OM even minimized his feelings for his ex-wife..until I called him on it. It was easier for him to say he hated her and she meant nothing to him than for him to say he still loved her, would always love her, and was still hurting from the loss. BUT HE DID. HE CONFESSED his true feelings for her to me. It was an agonizing but intimate moment of truth that I think set him free in many ways. I remember telling him it was OK to still have feelings...to love and hate her at the same time...even 3 years later!

 

 

 

I agree that NS had a very quick turnaround regarding his feelings for his wife. I can see why posters here are suspicious.

 

I'm not suspicious at all. His relationships are superficial. Explains everything.

 

 

 

Maybe he thought he was doing the right thing for you by letting you go because he cared and this was the best way as far he was concerned.

 

Maybe he did, Snowflower. Such a sweet thought. I know.

 

BUT, I don't dwell anymore as to WHY he let me go. I let him go, too. We both had our reasons...good reasons, RIGHT REASONS. I was never very upset the affair ended because I knew it HAD to end. We both knew it. The withdrawal was horrendous, but the decision to end the affair was easy. The writing was definitely on the wall.

 

ANd I don't dwell anymore as to WHY he made a silent exit. I beat myself up for months going back and forth as to why he left me hanging like that...whether the silent exit meant he cared or meant he didn't care. It was hard for me to see it as caring because I looked at his actions, not his words, and saw no evidence of caring. In the end I decided it meant he didn't care ENOUGH and I buried that thought a long time ago.

 

I let the "WHYs" go a long time ago. Water under the bridge. It was a freeing experience.

 

The anger from his PRETENSE is what is surfacing now..but now that I have a handle on where the anger is coming from.. I am starting to let it go..so that's a good thing. I have many LS posters to thank for helping me see where the anger was coming from.

 

Have a great weekend, Snowflower!

 

P.S. You are also one of my favorite posters, but you know that already!

[MistyK]

The ONLY reason I brought up the whole point about an apology was because MistyK made a remark about how MM think they can crap on their OW and get away with it. The entire thread snowballed from there.

 

Thank you for making some excellent points along the way. I've sat back since the initial onslaught because it's pretty obvious nobody wants to hear it from a baby-eating OW. There is a certain degree of humanity that comes from apologizing. (NS missed the boat on that when the A ended, but it's still interesting that he thinks he didn't harm her at all). There is also a certain degree of humanity that comes with understanding why some people can't just "shut off" their emotions. NS has neither. The "get over it" attitude will likely play out with his W eventually, and I'm guessing she isn't going to like it either.

 

I understand now how my actions hurt the BW and I feel awful for it. I've apologized to her many times, but I didn't really honor it as the R continued. Now, I am sure I would just look bitter grapes and hurt her more if I contacted her to tell her that I'm sorry. But I do feel badly.

 

In fact, BS's reamed the hell out of me for not having "enough" remorse for the BW when I 1st came here. Of course I didn't set out to intentionally hurt her, but I did anyway. Maybe NS didn't set out to hurt MOW (he's far too selfish to think beyond himself anyway), but he did. Funny how the double standard works around here. Anyway.....

 

Taylor, I have the utmost respect for you for being true to yourself and considering the whole picture even though you didn't do the kind of selfish crap NS did. Kudos to you. And best of luck with your reconciliation.

[Snowflower]

Thanks for your kind words, taylor!

 

Although I'm not always so sweet! I just try not to kick posters who come here. It serves no purpose.

 

I hope that by posting and venting here, that you have achieved some clarity about how you are feeling. This forum seems to be a good place for that.

 

Have a good weekend!

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you for making some excellent points along the way. I've sat back since the initial onslaught because it's pretty obvious nobody wants to hear it from a baby-eating OW.

 

?? Uh, you were the one that didn't like the idea of NS putting the OW out of his mind. You didn't want to hear it. You didn't want to hear that someone might actually drop the thoughts of the OW so he could work on the marriage.

 

Again, sorry, his responsibility is to his wife, not the OW. He doesn't owe her any thoughts especially since she was cheating on her husband in the first place.

[MistyK]

?? Uh, you were the one that didn't like the idea of NS putting the OW out of his mind. You didn't want to hear it. You didn't want to hear that someone might actually drop the thoughts of the OW so he could work on the marriage.

 

Again, sorry, his responsibility is to his wife, not the OW. He doesn't owe her any thoughts especially since she was cheating on her husband in the first place.

 

That's B.S. Dexter. I never said that. I don't care what NS does or who he chose. I know very well that MM's drop OW's like hot coals when D-Day comes. I have no problem hearing that. And I have no problem hearing that he can shut off his false emotions for the OW. I am even ok that he doesn't get why others can't do that. What I don't like hearing is that it's OK to treat another human like garbage because BS's feel they deserve it.

 

It's obviously politically correct around here to wish bad things upon the OW. It's also apparently "correct" for the WH to participate in the bashing of the OW, because if he doesn't he is seen as not dedicated to restoring the M. But that's nonsense. You don't have to hurt someone to please someone else. It is a choice. And personally, I think it's wrong to think it's ok to treat OW like crap. Now, it;s too late to apologize. But he could at least pretend he feels a teeny bit bad about being a jerk to her. Or maybe, just not laugh about how clever he was in "dragging" the OW back in.

[whichwayisup]

I hate to say it, but NS isn't any different than many of the MM that OW here post about. The difference is, HE is the one posting it and taking the flak for it. You think half the MM who suck their OW's back into the A, once DDay happens, after they throw them under the bus to their BW, really and truly care about the 'feelings' of their AP?

 

Noone is laughing at what NS said, he isn't, and I don't see the bashing you're talking about? I call it he was maybe being defensive, standing up for himself and fed up of being picked on - NO different that an OW reacting to a BS on here.

 

You don't have to hurt someone to please someone else.

 

You talking about the affair partner here, getting hurt because a CS is trying to please that someone else who is their BS, so the AP gets hurt? Don't know what you mean by this statement. If that is the case, then is it OK for the MM to go please the OW and forget about his wife, cheat and lie and betray her? I hope I'm wrong with what you're implying..

[GreenEyedLady]

It's also apparently "correct" for the WH to participate in the bashing of the OW, because if he doesn't he is seen as not dedicated to restoring the M.

 

That's affair history rewritten. The opposite of the marital history rewrite.

 

GEL

[ForumFool]

I don't know about a few things posted here. I do gove the original poster credit for being honest about how he felt about the OW...I am glad he didn't string her along much longer...seems that is kinder. It sounds like a passing fancy he felt for her like maybe infatuation and never love...Misty it would be worse..cruel in fact if he faked he cared about her ....The affair was cruel also...The whole thing is wrong...The bummer about an affair is ....people get hurt...As you know I do not throw stones so the pain of the BW or OW is the same to me....however OW is married too and she knew he had a wife...I don't think she was gonna leave her hubby and run off to a future with this poster..so the sex is over and the tears fall for wife and OW and mending must follow ..I pray for both of them...I think from what I did read this was all just about sex anyhow...never love..but I could have misread it

[Devil Inside]

This thread has taken a very interesting road.

 

OP, I understand what you are trying to say. If you are really going to be committed to your M and repairing the damage of an A, then you must take action steps to work on putting the OW out of your mind so that you can focus on your W. I think some of you may have forgotten, but I was also the role of BS in my current M. I know that if my W had not broken contact and gotten rid of old emails and stuff from her EA years ago, it would have seemed insincere that she was moving on.

 

I also can see with the way that OP has written about his emotions about his xOW after the fact, that it seems he is throwing her out like yesterday's garbage. I think he does this, not to hurt her, or dismiss the emotions of other OWs on this site, but because the A is over and this helps him psychologically focus on what his goal is...making his M work. OP I can't help but doubt you realy feel this way so soon after the A, but if it helps to put that out there...I can understand what you are doing. I think what is hard to believe is how intensly you felt different just months ago. But, I don't know you. We all have different emotional experiences. Maybe I will feel like you in a few months.

 

To all APs...it hurts. As leave everybody in such a shattered state. The shame, loss, betrayal and guilt left in the wake of an A ending or being discovered are truly life changing experiences. I do not think that anyone's pain should be minimized because they engaged in cheating. The pain is real for all involved, and I feel you.

[MistyK]

I hate to say it, but NS isn't any different than many of the MM that OW here post about. The difference is, HE is the one posting it and taking the flak for it. You think half the MM who suck their OW's back into the A, once DDay happens, after they throw them under the bus to their BW, really and truly care about the 'feelings' of their AP?

 

No argument here, but that doesn't mean he should be applauded for his actions - being a jerk to 2 women.

 

Noone is laughing at what NS said, he isn't, and I don't see the bashing you're talking about? I call it he was maybe being defensive, standing up for himself and fed up of being picked on - NO different that an OW reacting to a BS on here.

Absolutely he WAS laughing about his actions. Look at all the smiley faces and lol's. He's proud of himself for ebing such a clever manipulator.

 

You talking about the affair partner here, getting hurt because a CS is trying to please that someone else who is their BS, so the AP gets hurt? Don't know what you mean by this statement. If that is the case, then is it OK for the MM to go please the OW and forget about his wife, cheat and lie and betray her? I hope I'm wrong with what you're implying..

You are wrong with what you thought I was implying. He doesn't care about the AP, that's great - don't care then...don't sit there and demonize her either just to make your BW feel better. If you wanna let it go, let it ALL go (don't defend or protect the OW, don't demonize the OW, just don't do anything, let it go). I find it awful that he not only doesn't care if what he said was his "soulmate" croaks, but that he's proud of stringing her along. That's all. His focus should be his W at this point. No doubt. But, he shouldn't be proud of himself for his conduct with EITHER of the women.

[bentnotbroken]

It seems NS posts of smiley's and LOLs implied that he was proud about using the OW. Misty thinks that he was applauded for his actions, I see he isn't much different the Jeannie-Jeannie is being proud of her about what she is helping MM do to his wife. She is using and appears to be pretty proud and pleased herself(hence her tag line) and the situation to her advantage. Much like NS used the ow to his advantage.

[jennie-jennie]

It seems NS posts of smiley's and LOLs implied that he was proud about using the OW. Misty thinks that he was applauded for his actions, I see he isn't much different the Jeannie-Jeannie is being proud of her about what she is helping MM do to his wife. She is using and appears to be pretty proud and pleased herself(hence her tag line) and the situation to her advantage. Much like NS used the ow to his advantage.

 

This is total bull****. "Unapologetic" does not mean "proud". In Onelook Dictionary it says "unwilling to make or express an apology", it says nothing about "pride".

 

"Unapologetic Other Woman" means I do not feel the need to apologize for falling in love with the "wrong" man. I just need love and to be loved like everybody else. I could not in my wildest dreams have imagined that a man that loved me like MM does would stay in his marriage. Once that became obvious to me I was trapped in a situation I am unable to solve.

 

I am doing my best to push MM into a decision one way or the other. That is the best I can do for his wife.

[whichwayisup]

I am doing my best to push MM into a decision one way or the other. That is the best I can do for his wife.

 

Why are you pushing him to decide? Why can't YOU decide once and for all? Either bail out completely or just continue to help him cheat on his wife? It's obvious that he isn't leaving, nothing you do is going to change that UNLESS he wants to divorce his wife and start a new life with you.

[jj33]

Jenni there is nothing more disingenuous than for an OW to say she is helping him decide for his W. That really takes the cake. You are not her protector or her champion, if you were, you wouldnt be fing her H.

 

Why not just admit that you are "helping him decide" so that you know whether you have a future with him or not? At least own your actions.

[bentnotbroken]

This is total bull****. "Unapologetic" does not mean "proud". In Onelook Dictionary it says "unwilling to make or express an apology", it says nothing about "pride".

 

"Unapologetic Other Woman" means I do not feel the need to apologize for falling in love with the "wrong" man. I just need love and to be loved like everybody else. I could not in my wildest dreams have imagined that a man that loved me like MM does would stay in his marriage. Once that became obvious to me I was trapped in a situation I am unable to solve.

 

I am doing my best to push MM into a decision one way or the other. That is the best I can do for his wife.

 

 

:lmao::lmao:Talk about bullcrap. :lmao::lmao:You aren't trapped. You are right where you want to be. And proud of it.

[Gamine]

Well, he who lives will see. By the way, you do know we have not had a Dday? This was just hypothetical talk.

 

When this happens JJ, which boat will you be?

[jennie-jennie]

Too bad, all, that my refusing to be a victim or an offender, my refusing to let the EMR damage me more than is inevitable, is a thorn in your side. If you looked at it closely you would see that both MM and I are trapped by the situation, a situation none of us ever thought we would be caught in.

 

Why are you pushing him to decide? Why can't YOU decide once and for all? Either bail out completely or just continue to help him cheat on his wife? It's obvious that he isn't leaving, nothing you do is going to change that UNLESS he wants to divorce his wife and start a new life with you.

 

I just can't leave. Maybe I will be able to in the future, I don't know, but as it stands now it is not in my power. We have talked about him working on his marriage and us going NC. He suggested 3 months, I suggested 6 months. But the reality is that we have trouble going 3 days, so none of us knows how we will make this happen.

 

Jenni there is nothing more disingenuous than for an OW to say she is helping him decide for his W. That really takes the cake. You are not her protector or her champion, if you were, you wouldnt be fing her H.

 

Why not just admit that you are "helping him decide" so that you know whether you have a future with him or not? At least own your actions.

 

You are twisting my words. I never said I did it for the wife. Of course I do it for myself. But ultimately it is in her best interest as well that he makes a decision, I can see that although that is not my motivation.

 

Just to make it clear, I am fing MM because I enjoy it - and I enjoy it immensely. I enjoy fing the man I love who loves me. That is what sex is about. Marriage is an institution man created. Sex is a natural force.

 

:lmao::lmao:Talk about bullcrap. :lmao::lmao:You aren't trapped. You are right where you want to be. And proud of it.

 

Either you are a liar distorting reality or you just don't get it, and on top of that you are supposed to be a Christian?!!!:lmao: Do you not know how it is to love someone and not be able to step out of that relationship even if it is not all good for you? What about all the abused women? Is this what you say to them to? Do you laugh in their faces as well? Have you not heard of the Christian concept "compassion"?

 

I stayed with a man who abused me for 25 years. Is it then so strange that I stay with a MM who treats me right? who has healed me from the scars of the abuse?

 

When this happens JJ, which boat will you be?

 

Duh, the OW is the OW boat. This anology was part of a general discussion between my MM and I why MM so often throw their OW under the bus on Dday. But if we presume this anology is valid for all EMRs, Gamine, which boat are you? The W boat whom MM makes sure does not sink before he returns to the OW boat?