I just dont get it

[whichwayisup]

Why would he have to "drag" her back if she really wanted back in the affair.

You have to ask that? SO MANY, not Mw's and MM's but OW/OM can't do NC for long, even though they want the A over, the withdrawal and missing that person can be too much. How many threads have you read where the MM or OW have caved into NC, even though the A is over.

 

Did your OM contact you after you went NC? Didn't you contact him after NC was supposed to be in place, even though you wanted your A over with?

 

Taylor, it's time for you to totally let go of your exOM and focus on your husband. You don't owe him anything, he's a grown man, he was fine before you came into his life, and he'll be fine without you. Stop beating up on yourself and give that energy to your husband..It's wasted on someone who shouldn't count anymore. Even if you did love him.

[jennie-jennie]

Yup, but use the "+" option, it'll give you as many quotes as you want, then hit reply when you're ready. Then if you want, you can and cut parts out that you don't need (let's say if it's a long post and you only want a snippit of it, just delete the part you don't want)..

 

OK! Thanks! I never noticed that multi-quote option before!

[bentnotbroken]

Let me tell you what I see. I see Taylor placing NS in the position of her FMM. He didn't do what Taylor needed to close the door permanently. She only ignored the door until it became the pink elephant in the room. NS was a user of the FOW, just like the FMM that Taylor dealt with. NS has some major personal issues. The expectations that are placed on him to behave the way a "giver" would...is frankly unreasonable. (no offense NS) What I see is a person who has several narcissistic tendencies. In the moment they can tell anyone anything to convince them of whatever they want them to believe.

 

 

I know this because most of my life I dealt with a person like this. NS was able to portray to his wife and family everything they needed to hear to be happy and give him as little trouble as possible. When he was with FOW, he told her everything she wanted to hear, did things she needed him to do. Why? To cause him as few problems as possible. He took pride in orchestrating every one's lives. This was a way to keep from dealing with himself. He couldn't/wouldn't/didn't control his inner turmoil, his demons. But he can control the scenes and the dramas he set up. He micro-managed both relationships.

 

The problem with that is you never run away from yourself. I know this, Taylor knows this, NS knows this and countless others. At some point you have to face yourself and decide are you going to continue in the direction or are you going to make the decision to dive in feet first with hip boots on, knee deep in the ***** and begin the hard work of cleaning it up. We have all used different coping mechanisms to accomplish this. I used prayer, friends holding me accountable and some harsh criticism of myself. Taylor you pushed it away and took all the blame. NS has to write a new chapter to his life. A new core human being. It is easier because none of his emotions were deeply rooted. Not the ones for his wife, not the ones for FOW and most of all not for himself. There was no real self love, only words. No real love for FOW, only words. And for his wife, he loved her actions, not necessarily her. He saw himself in her eyes. He said that she saw no wrong in him. And to guarantee that he would continue to see the knight in shining armor picture in her eyes(only about him)he did what was necessary. Everything is superficial.

 

Taylor, I believe in your heart you have beat yourself up for things that you shouldn't have. I also believe God has forgive you. Just like I prayed with you and asked for guidance in what to say to you to help...I did the same thing with NS. I am not asking you to believe me that he has changed, I am asking you to see that it is possible with God's love to change, if you desire it. He and I have had personal conversations, he is willing to do the heavy lifting. But it will require him to learn something at a later age in life, that most of us learn pretty early on, and others never do. You see them on here all the time. Isn't it a possibility that he is truly sincere in what he says and believes, because that is all he is capable of until he learns a better way.

[PhoenixRise]

NS: "so jennie, as you can see i had many choices and i have made a clear decision on what i want in my life and i have taken responsibility and tackled my m head on....

 

that isisnt a fog at all, thats the way it needs to be done if you want to have an honest shot at true love with my w and a real connection within your m.."

 

Fair enough. I wish you well.

 

Phoenix: "If he truly felt real emotions for the OW in the context of the affair and He believes that those emotions don't stand up to the light of dday.... fine.

But if he was just a MM who was saying and doing anything he needed to to keep the affair alive then he was playing massive head games with the OW and with a bunch of nameless faceless LS posters who tried to help him when he arrived here and putting his marriage on the line for some game he was playing to boot."

 

I am interested in how you look at what Phoenix said above. The answer you would give would really define you as whether you were a cake-eater or not.

 

 

JJ

 

I don't think anyone doubts that Notsure was a cake eater. I am sure that when he posts again he will readily admit it himself. I think he saw himself and his own behavior in your infamous boat analogy and he wanted to warn you.

 

I don't think he stayed with his wife because he had no other choice. Whatever happened before in his life and in his affair according to his posts he chose his wife because she was his choice.

 

As much as he has posted about his honest feelings that DID show him in a horrible light, there is no reason to think he wouldn't be telling the truth on this.

[jennie-jennie]

JJ

 

I don't think anyone doubts that Notsure was a cake eater. I am sure that when he posts again he will readily admit it himself. I think he saw himself and his own behavior in your infamous boat analogy and he wanted to warn you.

 

I don't think he stayed with his wife because he had no other choice. Whatever happened before in his life and in his affair according to his posts he chose his wife because she was his choice.

 

As much as he has posted about his honest feelings that DID show him in a horrible light, there is no reason to think he wouldn't be telling the truth on this.

 

listen, during the A of course i felt emotions,my early posts reflect that..but these emotions do not stand up to the light of day, they were affair emotions and thats all..

 

i never promised my ow anything,not one thing from day 1, so now the A is over and i am falling in love with my wife all over again and realizing that it was my w i always wanted but i was too selfish and needy and self serving to ever give her a chance and i always assumed she couldnt satisfy my every need, now i am realizing she can, what is so wrong with that?

 

i just dont get why some people cant understand it and have to call it a fog or dday haze......

 

Phoenix, can you help me sort this out? Sorry for finding this a bit hard to understand.

 

The above post is NS' answer to your statements. In my eyes, this looks like NS "truly felt real emotions for the OW in the context of the affair and He believes that those emotions don't stand up to the light of dday".

 

It doesn't look to me as if "he was just a MM who was saying and doing anything he neded to keep the affair alive then he was playing massive head games with the OW and with a bunch of nameless faceless LS posters who tried to help him when he arrived here and putting his marriage on the line for some game he was playing to boot".

 

Do you agree? Would you still call him a cake-eater then?

[jennie-jennie]

LOL I just checked back on NS' posts, only to find that he had a gambling addiction. My ex whom I had a 25 year long relationship with, has a gambling addiction, so I know very well what it means to live with such a man. OK, addicts lie so well they believe it themselves. That is true.

 

NS: "I knew from day 1 that I picked the wrong woman" - yikes, is this the love you want to return to, NS?

[confusedinkansas]

Taylor - Why are you so hell bent on NS contacting the other woman & apologizing? That would mean he would have to break no contact - NOT SMART AT ALL!

If he breaks no contact - he should tell his wife. What do you think she'd think about that?

(NS I think Taylor is just picking atcha)

 

I know from my own experience - Just emailing the other man lead us back down the path that we both had broken off from. Emailing started with ..."How you doin'?" That was it. We cared about each other a great deal & worried about the other - so it seemed natural after a week or so of NC to "Check Up"...Well checking UP got us back where we started!!

 

Even though I don't agree that you can turn feelings off like a water faucet - I still do commend you NS for your efforts. I think you see the big picture & are focused on that. Good for you!

[taylor]

I do not understand the word FOG....Why does everyone keep tossing it around?

 

I can only answer this in terms of my own experience.

 

To me, affair fog is a decision an affair partner makes to NOT see the future consequences of their actions. They deliberately turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to their own behavior.

 

When in the midst of an affair, you are living in the moment. You are totally focused on the euphoric feelings from the affair. You have no concern and you take no time to look ahead to see what's "coming." You don't want to look ahead. You choose to ignore what's up ahead..ignore the potential consequences. You also ignore all the danger signs and flashing lights warning you to turn around and go back. You know you have to ignore these red flags to continue the euphoric feelings the fantasy brings. In essence, you do whatever you have to do to "protect" the fantasy.

 

So the affair continues, moving full speed ahead thru the fog, just like the Titanic did. Everyone partying having a good time...no one taking time to consider the possibility of hitting an iceberg or all the ramifications of hitting an iceberg. You don't "see" the iceberg..or the cliff..or the brick wall thru the fog because you aren't even looking for it..you aren't even worried about it..you are ignoring it. You are too busy enjoying the affair to think about what's on the other side of the fog.

 

 

 

And when the affair hits the brick wall or topples over the cliff or hits the iceberg, the fog clears quickly and the destruction is blatantly clear for all to see. Affair partners look back and for the first time they see the FOG that they let cloud their vision.

 

Affair partners know exactly what they are doing when they are doing it. They know it is wrong. What they don't take time to consider..what they ignore...is the devastation their behavior will create. They fool themselves into thinking nothing bad will come of what they are doing. They know if they begin to give one thought to their actions, logic would tell them they need to end the affair. And that's the LAST thing they want to happen.

 

When someone says they had affair fog, it means they let themselves FOOL themselves so that the affair could continue.

[taylor]

you really need to give it up with this i should apologize to the ow...its a ridiculous thing to expect], she is a mw,shes a big girl and i am sure she has moved on with her life as i have.

 

To tell you the truth, NS, I DON'T think you should apologize to your OW. NOT NOW. The time to have done that was months ago when the affair ended. That was your window of opportunity to do right by BOTH women you hurt. But that window of opportunity is gone now. Too much water under the bridge. At this point, she would probably laugh and consider it ridiculous as well if you tried to apologize to her. Don't bother.

 

You admitted you lied to this OW and led her on. You admitted your feelings for her were superficial yet you had sex with her and called her your soulmate and were ready to mingle your kids together, for heaven's sake.

 

Unless I missed it, I don't recall you saying SHE lied to YOU or SHE led YOU on. You seem to be the one who "misbehaved" in the affair relationship itself..you seem to be the one who hurt two women in the process..not just one.

 

So what if she is married. I don't care what her stats are. She could have been married and divorced 10 times over. It still does not negate the fact that you knowingly hurt another human being by your actions.

 

And so what if she is a big girl. I don't care if she is a big girl, little girl, fat girl, skinny girl...you knowingly hurt this girl. It's a good thing she is a big girl because she will most likely be able to overcome the hurt easily..but it still does not negate the fact that you knowingly hurt her.

 

In our neck of the woods, when you hurt someone, you apologize. Simple.

 

The fact that you chose not to apologize to her for knowingly hurting her means you did not take full responsibility for your actions in the affair.as if you felt you were "entitled" in some way to hurt another human being to get your needs met...and you don't need to be held accountable for your actions.

 

I am sick and tired of people like you who think they can walk all over other people in these superficial relationships and then walk away saying, "I didn't do nuthin. Don't blame me."

 

Posters here put me on a guilt trip when I first came here, telling me how I hurt two men..how I was being unfair to two men.

 

Yet posters here seem to think it's OK that you hurt the OW with your superficial feelings of love and all the insincere "future" talk. They don't think you should accept any responsibility for that whatsoever.

 

My feelings for my OM were sincere. I never led him on, telling him I loved him. There was no "future talk" to draw him further into a little web of deception. Yet I was told to take a good close look at how I was affecting the lives of TWO men.

 

And now when I point out that you should have been held accountable for hurting two women, I'm getting the stones thrown at me.

 

I believe there are three sides to every affair story. We are only hearing one here.

 

I would love to hear your OW's side of the affair she had with a serial cheater. I bet it would be a real eye-opener.

 

 

i accept responsibility for what i did to her

 

Really? How so?

 

im not going to waste valuable time pining over or wondering why the ap hasnt called me or asked about me or why they did or didnt do this or that.. etc etc,

 

No one told you to do that. Why would you even suggest this?

 

The only thing I said was that, IMO, when you hurt someone, you should apologize to them. And that apology should be made at the time the affair ends.

[confusedinkansas]

I am sick and tired of people like you who think they can walk all over other people in these superficial relationships and then walk away saying, "I didn't do nuthin. Don't blame me."

 

Posters here put me on a guilt trip when I first came here, telling me how I hurt two men..how I was being unfair to two men.

 

The only thing I said was that, IMO, when you hurt someone, you should apologize to them. And that apology should be made at the time the affair ends.

 

Lil' Bitter!!!??? Wow - your affair partner must have done a number on you.

 

(I am assuming Taylor that you have been involved as the other woman......) So, did you apologize to all parties involved after YOUR affair Taylor? The other man, his wife, children, accountant, lawyer......ETC?

 

I think that all of this talk of apologizing is ludicrous.

HE did it to her & SHE did it to him.....Story over! - Selfish, YUP! But still, Story Over!!!

Why Taylor are you SO hung up on this?

[taylor]

it wasnt plan B,there was no writing on the wall,i had alot of factors that played into my confessing to my w and none had to do with a feeling i was losing my ow, in fact my ow was strong and all in when i ended it..

 

I don't believe a word of this.

 

I think your OW wanted to do the right thing..tried to end the affair TWICE to work on her marriage..but her resolve was weak. She was probably still very conflicted between her head and heart as she attempted to pull away from the affair.

 

You could have recognized this and walked away...helping her to do the right thing by both of you.

 

But you didn't. You drug her back into the affair, KNOWING her resolve was weak and using that to your advantage...instead of DOING THE RIGHT THING.

 

Yes, she broke NC by contacting you with a weak resolve. But you ALSO broke NC by responding to the contact. You could have let it go.

 

Then, once you sucked her back into the affair you dumped her.

 

I think you did this because of your narcissistic PRIDE.

 

You couldn't stand that SHE was the one who made the first move to pull away...she was the one who entertained the idea of dumping you.

 

You had to pull her back in so that you could be the one doing the dumping...the dump her before she dumps me mentality...to save face.

 

I doubt she was "all in"...not when she tried twice to end the affair. She HAD to be conflicted and one foot was already out the door.

 

To tell you the truth, I think you were terribly "OFFENDED" when your OW decided she wanted to end the affair. I'll bet you had a "How dare she do that to ME" mentality going on. A real blow to the self-esteem of a serial cheater whose used to calling the shots.

 

You just had to rope her back in so that YOU could be the one calling the last shot.

[taylor]

you pretty much come up with your own theories and no matter what i write you go with them...

 

Not at all, NS..just going on what you yourself have said.

 

You said she wanted to end the affair and work on her marriage. You said you weren't done with her, so you dragged her back into the affair.

 

These were your words, not mine.

 

You could have let her go to work on her marriage. That would have been the right thing to do. But you decided you weren't done useing her yet..so you manipulated her (drug her?) back into the affair until you were done with her.

 

And you saw no reason to apologize at the time.

 

she wanted to work on her marriage but she never stopped contacting me so yes i dragged her back in because i still wanted the A at that time..

 

then i decided i wanted the A to end and i took the steps to end the A for real and for good...she still wanted the a and even sent me an email letting me know she left her H...

 

and now its over..and i have moved on, you on the other hand are still posting about your mm 1 year later when you have supposedly dedicated yourself to your m and h...personally i think thats wrong..

[taylor]

i never promised my ow anything,not one thing from day 1

 

But you did tell her you loved her and you did say she was your soulmate. Sometimes assumptions about the future and the depth of a person's feelings are made when words like this are uttered.

 

And how is it you were ready to mingle your children together...yet no promises made? Just a bunch of "future talk" nonsense?

[taylor]

you on the other hand are still posting about your mm 1 year later when you have supposedly dedicated yourself to your m and h...personally i think thats wrong..

 

If you would have taken the time to read my posts carefully and completely, you would know:

 

1. My OM was not married. He was single.

 

2. I am not pining over the OM. I only have anger and resentment for him...feelings that just recently surfaced after being buried for over a year. That is FAR different than PINING over someone. Not even close.

 

3. And the only reason I posted at length was to find a way to let go of these feelings because they were hindering marital recovery...my GOAL.

 

And there you go again, telling posters it is WRONG to have feelings.

 

It is NOT wrong to have feelings.

 

It IS wrong to judge people for the feelings that they have.

 

Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. And by now you should have learned this in MC.

 

It's also wrong to bury feelings or shut them out. It's much healthier to vent them, explore them, analyze them, learn from them, and THEN let them go. Feelings need to be worked thru. This is what you don't get. But if you are going to get anything out of MC/IC, you are going to have to realize this.

 

If I hadn't buried these feelings of anger and resentment, but had dealt with them when they first appeared at the end of the affair, they might not have resurfaced as unresolved issues.

 

Again, I feel sorry for you wife if you don't ALLOW her to experience and explore all the feelings she is going to have connected to your infidelity. Some of these feelings may last for months and may resurface years later when you least expect it.

 

Are you going to tell your wife she is WRONG or that you DON'T GET why she continues to have these feelings?

[taylor]

You have to ask that? SO MANY, not Mw's and MM's but OW/OM can't do NC for long, even though they want the A over, the withdrawal and missing that person can be too much. How many threads have you read where the MM or OW have caved into NC, even though the A is over.

 

Did your OM contact you after you went NC? Didn't you contact him after NC was supposed to be in place, even though you wanted your A over with?

 

I totally understand how the resolve to end an affair can be weak. There is a major conflict going on between the head and the heart (if emotionally involved).

 

The head says it's the right thing to do...the noble thing to do if one has integrity.

 

The heart says to hell with integrity and doing the right thing. The heart wants what it wants and doesn't want to let go.

 

The thing is NS KNEW this OW wanted to do the RIGHT THING by ending the affair. Of course her resolve was weak because she was emotionally involved. But her head wanted the affair to end.

 

Rather than help her DO THE RIGHT THING, he drug her back into the affair.

 

The way I look at it, she was the one who made the first move to end the affair. Because he was not done using her, he manipulated her back into the affair she was conflicted about. When he got done using her, he dumped her and didn't look back.

 

With respect to the end of my affair...

 

The OM and I communicated a half dozen times...conflicted as to whether we wanted to continue the affair outside the workplace after I lost my job. We discussed what that would look like. We both admitted we wanted to cross the line. I told him I couldn't, even tho I wanted to. I offered friendship. He accepted. I told him my husband had suspicions. He told me he would call the next day but dropped off the face of the earth instead.

 

I made a couple more calls to him because I didn't understand the silence, especially in light of the fact that I was going thru alot of personal trauma from the loss of the job and the death of my father. I thought he would have been there for me as a friend. And when he wasn't it hurt. I called him and we agreed to have a talk after the funeral but it never happened. I sent a closure letter telling him I was going full NC.

 

Once we went full NC, NO ONE broke it. Not in 16 months.

 

focus on your husband. You don't owe him anything, he's a grown man, he was fine before you came into his life, and he'll be fine without you. Stop beating up on yourself and give that energy to your husband..It's wasted on someone who shouldn't count anymore. Even if you did love him.

 

I am focusing on my husband. And I don't feel like I owe the OM anything. Everything I had to say I said in my closure letter. I am at peace with that. And I know he is at peace as well.

 

I recently had some residual anger and resentment surface regarding the loss of my job and the OM's role. It kind of came out of nowhere. I vented about it on a thread I started. And I am coming to terms with it because I understand where those feelings came from now. By letting go of these negative feelings, I hope to move marital recovery forward as I learn to stop blaming myself for everything that happened in the affair and learn to forgive myself.

 

I am always my own worst critic. I do take on alot of responsibility for other people's happiness. Take responsibility for how you treat other people...that's a motto I try to live by..and it bothers me when others don't do the same.

[taylor]

In my eyes, this looks like NS "truly felt real emotions for the OW in the context of the affair and He believes that those emotions don't stand up to the light of dday".

 

If the feelings were real and true, they would have held up in the light of day. They wouldn't have disappeared overnight.

 

His feelings are what you call S-U-P-E-R-F-I-C-I-A-L.

 

He superficiously "loved" his OW.

 

And she was superficiously his "soulmate."

 

Kind of like two teenagers who found each other and who are madly in love...for a week.

[taylor]

NS was a user of the FOW, just like the FMM that Taylor dealt with.

 

Sorry, BNB, my OM was a single man. And on a scale of one to ten in terms of PRETENSE, my OM was a 3 and NS was a 9.

[stuckinoz]

The thing is NS KNEW this OW wanted to do the RIGHT THING by ending the affair. Of course her resolve was weak because she was emotionally involved. But her head wanted the affair to end.

 

Rather than help her DO THE RIGHT THING, he drug her back into the affair.

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS!!?? Apparently you haven't read his entire post. SHE ended it & then SHE, the other woman, kept coming back. Sheesh Taylor - You really do seem VERY bitter here.

 

So, you didn't go FULL NC after your affair? You drug things out. You wanted to be friends. never a good idea, and when your other man wouldn't return calls, emails - YOU sent a FULL NC letter. So, you are no different than what you say NS is. YOU were the one that wanted to end it PERIOD. YOU were the one that wanted the control over the situation. So I don't see why you're riding him so hard.

 

Why is the fact that your other man was single a valid point. It was still an affair that YOU entered into with your eyes wide open. Married or not - It still IS WHAT IT IS

[taylor]

Taylor - Why are you so hell bent on NS contacting the other woman & apologizing? That would mean he would have to break no contact - NOT SMART AT ALL!

If he breaks no contact - he should tell his wife. What do you think she'd think about that?

(NS I think Taylor is just picking atcha)

 

No, not picking at all. I just expressed that it was my opinion that when someone hurts another person, they should apologize.

 

I only brought it up because MistyK made a comment about how MM think it's OK to crap on OW.

 

I think everyone (let's skip titles) should apologize to anyone they injure with their words or deeds.

 

And I think anyone who does harm another should take responsibility and be held accountable to themselves about it.

 

NO, I do not think NS should break NC to apologize to the OW NOW. He missed that window of opportunity to apologize when the affair ended. That's when he should have done it, if he was going to do it at all...BEFORE NC was implemented. He chose not to.

 

I know from my own experience - Just emailing the other man lead us back down the path that we both had broken off from. Emailing started with ..."How you doin'?" That was it.

 

Well, that's not apologizing for hurting each other at the end of the affair. That's fishing to see if you could start things up again. Two different mindsets. And again, I didn't mean to imply he should apologize to her NOW.

 

I don't agree that you can turn feelings off like a water faucet - I still do commend you NS for your efforts. I think you see the big picture & are focused on that. Good for you!

 

I don't think he can, either. If he had any real feelings for her, that is. If they were real I think he is fooling himself that he feels "nothing." And if they were FAKE, then he doesn't need to put any effort into forgetting the OW., does he?

 

So, the way I see it, he's either in a FOG (pretending he feels nothing for the OW) or his feelings for her were FAKE.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It is NOT wrong to have feelings.

 

It IS wrong to judge people for the feelings that they have.

 

Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. And by now you should have learned this in MC.

 

Taylor, if you truly believe this then I don't understand your beef with NS. Does that apply to everyone?

[taylor]

Lil' Bitter!!!??? Wow - your affair partner must have done a number on you.

 

(I am assuming Taylor that you have been involved as the other woman......) So, did you apologize to all parties involved after YOUR affair Taylor? The other man, his wife, children, accountant, lawyer......ETC?

 

I think that all of this talk of apologizing is ludicrous.

HE did it to her & SHE did it to him.....Story over! - Selfish, YUP! But still, Story Over!!!

Why Taylor are you SO hung up on this?

 

Actually, I was the wayward spouse...just like NS.

 

My OM did not do nearly a "number" on me as NS did on his OW.

 

We never told each other we loved each other. We never called each other soulmates. We never engaged in "future talk" although he did tell me he wanted me to meet his children. We didn't engage me in sex under the pretense that he loved me. And he didn't try to drag me back into the affair when I told him I was "uncomfortable". He completely respected NC when it was put in place.

 

I do hold some anger and resentment because I thought he was a better friend than he turned out to be. I lost my job and my dad and I was disappointed he didn't call and tell me he was sorry. He let me down at the time and I felt major disappointment.

 

I apologized to the OM in my closure letter, telling him I was 100 percent responsible for the friendship crossing lines and for not stopping his advances. I asked him to forgive me if I hurt him in any way by leading him on. And I thanked him for holding the line on a sexual relationship when my resolve was weak.

 

He didn't have a wife to apologize to but if one existed, I would have sent her a letter as well. His children are young. I sent them birthday and Christmas presents as well as candy for Halloween and Easter. I don't feel I had a reason to apologize to them....preschooler age kids.

 

I also apologized to my employer (I got fired). I told her I was sorry I didn't live up to her expectations..and I left it at that. I also thanked her for the opportunity to work there.

 

I think apologizing somehow makes up a little for the selfishness in an affair. It's like telling your affair partner: I acknowledge my selfishness hurt you, and I am sorry for that. It's a way to show you recognize your selfishness and make amends for it.

[jennie-jennie]

If the feelings were real and true, they would have held up in the light of day. They wouldn't have disappeared overnight.

 

His feelings are what you call S-U-P-E-R-F-I-C-I-A-L.

 

He superficiously "loved" his OW.

 

And she was superficiously his "soulmate."

 

Kind of like two teenagers who found each other and who are madly in love...for a week.

 

Concerning turning feelings off like a water faucet:

I don't think he can, either. If he had any real feelings for her, that is. If they were real I think he is fooling himself that he feels "nothing." And if they were FAKE, then he doesn't need to put any effort into forgetting the OW., does he?

So, the way I see it, he's either in a FOG (pretending he feels nothing for the OW) or his feelings for her were FAKE.

 

This makes sense to me. It seems to me like NS himself believes the latter is true, which would indeed make him a cake eater, not someone sincerely in love with an OW being torn between his old love (the W) and his new love (the OW).

 

Also how long did his affair go on - 5 months or so? Even in a non-affair setting I would say it takes a year before you really know that you are in love with the other person and not your fantasy version of them.

[taylor]

SHE ended it & then SHE, the other woman, kept coming back. Sheesh Taylor - You really do seem VERY bitter here.

 

She ended it because she wanted to work on her marriage. She wanted to do the right thing. I understand this. I was right there, making this same decision at the end of my affair.

 

But I also understand the conflict between the head and heart. The head makes a decision but the heart wants to pull you in another direction.

 

Sure, the OW broke NC. I get this. It was her heart, not her head, doing that.

 

NS, who admitted he felt "nothing" for the OW and who admitted he wasn't "DONE" cheating on his wife, admitted "DRAGGING" the OW back into the affair.

 

Nothing of the sort like this happened in my affair.

 

We did not go NC when the affair ended. It wasn't because either one of us was trying to drag the other back into the affair. We were trying to figure out what kind of relationship we could have when I lost my job. I didn't want it to go sexual, so we agreed on friendship. When I told him the next day my husband KNEW, he disappeared with a silent exit and it left me confused. I called for answers but he had imposed NC without telling me. I sent him a closure letter and told him I, too, was going NC. THAT'S when FULL NC was implemented and it was never broken..not once.

 

So, you didn't go FULL NC after your affair?

 

We talked about having a friendship after I lost my job. We even agreed on it, but when the OM learned my husband had suspicions about us, he did a silent exit and I sent that closure letter implementing FULL, two-way NC. And neither one of us broke that.

 

You drug things out. You wanted to be friends. never a good idea,

 

Yes, there was alot of confusion when I lost my job. That ended the affair for us. The contact we had after that was to see if there was any way to hold on to a friendship. When the writing was on the wall..my husband had suspicions...we went full NC and never broke it.

 

I knew in my heart we couldn't hold on to the friendship. It was wishful thinking. It was easy to be friends at work, but to try to be friends outside of work would have been too uncomfortable and more inappropriate than what we had at work. And I know in my heart as well that he wanted more, as did I.

 

when your other man wouldn't return calls, emails - YOU sent a FULL NC letter. So, you are no different than what you say NS is. YOU were the one that wanted to end it PERIOD. YOU were the one that wanted the control over the situation. So I don't see why you're riding him so hard.

 

I called the OM to find out why he went silent on me, since we had agreed to friendship. And he had also told me to call him anytime if I needed to talk to him as I was grieving my father's death. But when I called two times I got no answer. I had to assume he reconsidered the friendship. I had to assume he got scared off because my husband knew. I had to assume he was initiating NC without telling me..cold turkey.

 

I sent him the closure letter to apologize and to let him know that I would respect NC.

 

We never made contact again.

 

The way I see it, the OM was the one who initiated NC by going silent and I just followed with a simple closure letter saying, OK, I understand.

 

Believe me, I had no control over anything those day...not myself, not the OM, not my job, not my dad's health condition. I lost it all...no control whatsoever.

 

In the days that followed, I was put on both anti-anxiety and depression meds to cope with all the sudden losses in my life. It felt like PTSD.

 

Why is the fact that your other man was single a valid point. It was still an affair that YOU entered into with your eyes wide open. Married or not - It still IS WHAT IT IS

 

Just making a correction of the facts. Not trying to make any point.

[whichwayisup]

Taylor, sorry to say this, but you're still not getting it. NS is DONE with exMW.

 

You keep pushing and pushing, bringing up his exMW, and he is over it. This thread is about his WIFE now and moving forward, not looking backwards. He's even asked you to drop it and you keep on talking about it.

[taylor]

It is NOT wrong to have feelings.

 

It IS wrong to judge people for the feelings that they have.

 

Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. And by now you should have learned this in MC.

 

Taylor, if you truly believe this then I don't understand your beef with NS. Does that apply to everyone?

 

He is judging people for having feelings..saying it is wrong to have feelings such as love, anger, resentment, or longing for an AP after an affair.

 

My point is it is normal and natural for feelings to continue to exist after an affair and that having these feelings is not WRONG. They need to be dealt with and resolved..but it isn't wrong if they exist.

 

I guess I don't get your point. Sorry.