Well, that's binangornandun it.....

[TaraMaiden]

Honestly?

 

it's kind of ground to a halt....

 

I really believe this relatuionship is worth saving....

he's gone a whole week without cigarettes, and the past two days without patches.

he went to his 'stop smoking' clinic, and the therapist did a number of tests which showed an astonishing dip in his CO2 levels, which has actually brought him into the category of a non-smoker.

he was extremely surprised, to say the least, so he's pretty chuffed with himself.

This is going to sound as if I am prevaricating, but I'm still waiting for the right moment during which to say my piece, and I think I'm going to have to go down the route of writing him a letter, to express myself in a way to which he will have no choice but to pay attention.....

 

I have to say this has put things into perspective for me.

It's the first time I have p[osted a 'problem thread' of my own... and I am sooo good, am i not, at hhelping others see through their own issues?

 

It's definitely taught me 2 things:

Nothing is ever cut and dried.

Dealing with your own issues is really difficult, in comparison to "solving everybody else's."...

 

have an appointment.... be back later......

 

Thanks for asking, GT....

 

You know I think the world of you, for it....

[TaraMaiden]

I've had over a week to try to rationalise this 'shyte'....

 

I have, I admit, had the input from some very good friends, who have helped me in many ways to iron out the creases a bit....

And trust me, I have wrestled, fought and debated with my own conscience, reasoning and logic, and I feel a bit self-battered to tell you the truth....

 

Oh crap....

I'm going to go for the letter, and see what happens.

 

If anyone is still interested , I'll keep you posted.

But I really do understand if you're beginning to lose the will to live.....

 

[GorillaTheater]

Nothing is ever cut and dried.

Dealing with your own issues is really difficult, in comparison to "solving everybody else's."...

 

Isn't that the truth. If you all only knew what a screwball I am.

[TaraMaiden]

I read and participated in this thread, yesterday, but it got me thinking:

 

My parter will not engage...

he's complaining now that he's so bored, he thinks he will go insane, he has nothing to do, and the four walls of the house are driving him nuts.

 

He's stopped smoking, so he's eating more (out of sheer innactivitiy and boredom, I'll be bound) so he's gaining weight again, and the new suit he bought a week or two ago, that was only fractionally tight - is now definitely too tight.

 

I gave him the bank card yersterday to go re-tax his car, but he never went. We need a vehicle, and without road tax, it's not street legal.

(I now have my card back again, BTW)

 

He's playing this goddam blasted 'Mafia' game all day, every day, and any job hunting is off, because I guess it's out of season, and hunting out of season is obviously illegal. No?

 

He had an idea a week or two ago about going to Thailand as a volunteer English Teacher for kids, and when he rang them up, they nearly dragged him off there and then, so desperate are they for senior people to apply and take some responsibility. They have hoardes of young students applying, but having someone of his age would be a bonus.... they'd supply him with his own quarters and a motorbike to get around on....

 

It's still just 'an idea'....

 

 

I got up at 4.30am on saturday morning. Couldn't sleep.

So I did 4 days' worth of washing up.

In 20 minutes.

That felt better.

Kind of.....

 

Our relationship is back to square zero, if indeed it ever left there in the first place.....

The engagement ring is still lying on his desk, and as far as I am aware,

if he looks at it, nothing comes to him as to mention it.

I won't until he does.

 

So you know what?

 

I have decided to leave him to it.

If he chooses to hide himself away, and focus on everything but the issues we should be addressing - that's his choice.

I'm not going to sweat it, join in, get stressed or be maudlin.

I have a life.

I'm going to let him get on with his, and frankly, I'm getting on with mine.

At one moment or another, he's going to pull his head out of his "cave" (Read 'A$$) and come to his senses.

Hopefully it won't be too little too late.

 

but that's up to him.

Just like I am up to me.

[marlena]

Tara,

 

I was saddened to read this thread. You are a wonderful woman and deserve much more than this man is in a position or willing to give. I am afraid that he might be taking advantage of your needs as well as your kindness, acceptance, tolerance and love for him. Truly I am.

 

You shouldn't have to put up with a man who gambles other people's money away, does not work, demands to be pampered like a child and expects things to be done solely on his terms.

 

I know you love him and he may very well love you but this is not a healthy relationship and this is why you are unhappy with it. You are in a tough place right now (four years is a long time) but you need to think hard and come to some tough decisions before this makes you any unhappier. For your sake, I hope he fixes things as hard as it is to for anyone to do.

[TaraMaiden]

The more this goes on, the more I find it difficult to Love him in the Relationship sense.

That affection is slowly dying, and he can't see it....

[xpaperxcutx]

Tara I just came across this thread today and I have to say that while I think you always give some of the more honest posts on LS, I don't understand how you can't be honest with yourself. It seems despite how badly your SO behaves, whether childishly or otherwise, you will come up with something that will defend him and make him out to be a better person.

 

I honestly have never seen a man act the way he has, and I doubt I can understand how you still manages to digest his behaviour without feeling incensed. Had he been like this the four years you were with him?

 

I can't understand it. And it seems that while you have given him the push to improve himself ( i.e. his smoking) he has gotten worse in other areas of his life.

 

I have to agree with posters that he's taking advantage of your kindness and generosity.

[TaraMaiden]

I know I'm going to get blasted for doing this, but -

I'm sticking with him.

 

There is something too special about the good stuff we have, to throw it all away.

As Roberta Flack put it so ably,

"I'd rather live with him in his world, than be without him in mine."

 

Those of you who know me, will understand that I have agonised over this for a very long time, and that I took a long time considering everything, and weighing it all up.

Please trust me therefore when I tell you that I am sure of this - but really sure:

It's not fear of being alone, it's not dependency. It's because I really believe that he is a man who is worth sticking with.

 

Walking home together this evening, we came across a very young squirrel pup, that had obviously fallen out of its drey.

It was dying. I would guess internal injuries, but it was also bloodied, so the impact must have broken its ribs, and it was in a bad way.

I cradled it, as it lay, foetal-position, eyes shut (not yet opened, I would guess) in the palm of my hand, and Nick was beside himself. we both thought of trying to end its suffering, but I could never kill anything, it's just a horror to me, and Nick (Who is ex-military Police and spent 3 years in the army) couldn't do it either.

He urged me to call a friend of mine, a veterinary nurse, who asked me several questions, all of which progressively confirmed there was nothing doing.

So we found a cranny in the ground, and laid the baby squirrel in it, and covered him with leaves and a hard piece of wood to protect him, and left him.

Nick was distinctly distressed by it, and kept shaking his head lightly, looking away, which is what he does when he's feeling emotional.

 

How can someone like this be classified as emotionally stunted?

I really don't think he is.

I just think he's emotionally constricted. it's almost as if he's afraid to express himself, because something impedes him....

 

And I can't abandon that.

I remember shortly after meeting him, he broke down because he felt his life was a godawful mess then, and some wee small voice in my head, told me he needed looking after, and that this was my job.

If I had known then, what I would be taking on...... maybe I'd have run a mile....

But what I would have missed!

 

I am under no illusions whatsoever:.

It's not going to all be plain sailing, and i know there will probably be instances of 'lather-rinse-repeat' to contend with.

 

but I'm in this with my eyes open.

I've made my choice. And moan as I might, I'm stepping up to the plate and leaning into the wind.

 

There's no going back now.

 

When I think about the trials, tribulations ups and downs my parents have endured in their 56 years together - and trust me, my family has had some whopping dysfunctional moments - I realise I'm imbued with the spirit of a couple of people who may be many things, but they ain't quitters.

Now I know who I get it from.

 

So throw everything you have at me, folks.

I won't blame you if you do.

But even though I reserve the right to moan occasionally about my man, here, It will only be to vent.

We all have that right.

And we all have the right to walk away from completely hopeless situations,

Just as we all have the right to fight on, because some things really are worth fighting for.

Every day.

 

I ain't quitting.

 

Wish me luck.

 

[TaraMaiden]

I just wanted to add, thank you all so much for walking through this with me, and listening to my somewhat contrary posts.

I really, truly do appreciate all the wonderful, kind, considerate and sympathetic comments everyone has contributed, and I cherish and value all of them.

it's made me feel very humble to know so many people really care, and your thoughts and opinions have given me much strength and resolve.

Special thanks go to good friends who have supported me in e-mails and PMs.

you know who you are, and I truly feel gifted to call you friends.

 

Thank you all.

 

_/l\_

[GorillaTheater]

I'll cast no stones; he never appeared to have committed some act that I would consider to be inexcusable. It looked like a compatability issue, and on reflection you decided that there may be enough compatability to keep the relationship alive after all. I'm good with that.

 

I wish you nothing but the best.

[Trialbyfire]

TM, will he ever be allowed to grow up?

[TaraMaiden]

believe it or not, I think we're turning a corner...or hitting a learning curve.

see, something I omitted to say (I really didn't want to bore everyone to death) was that I did actually write him a letter.

A dear John letter.

And I meant it.

And he knew I meant it, because every other time I have tried to communicate with him, on any level, he's become angry, withdrawn and aggressively passive-aggressive.

This one knocked him sideways.

he knew, he just knew by the tone, that he'd come to the end of his way of negotiating things (I.e, not negotiating at all.....)

It's hard to explain without sounding as if I'm making all kinds of excuses for him. I can see what it looks like.

Heck, I've shot other posters down in flames for saying the things I'm saying now.

But I feel he reached a point where he finally decided he was absolutely no longer in any position to be able to filibuster his way out of this one. This tactic was no longer an option.

And it hurt him.

It hit him hard, and he knew he had to pull something worth my while, to salvage this, or he would have lost me.

The Rubber finally - finally - hit the road.

 

I can't actually pinpoint or say for definite what exactly it was for him that brought it to this point, but the fact that he didn't yell, get angry, walk away, slam the door, retreat into his den, stomp about giving me the silent treatment....... all the things he usually does to pull advantage - they were gone.

it was crunch time and he knew it.

 

The phrase "you had to be there" is the only one I can come up with right now, to try to convey the fact that this was absolutely, completely, utterly and totally different, to everything else that has ever transpired between us. In the 4 - 5 years I have known him, and been able to predict his responses and reactions - this was about as opposite as anything could ever have been.

He has never - but never dealt with things in this way, before.

It scared him.

Big time, really scared him.

And it showed.

 

So maybe the 9 year old just hit adolescence.....

Or better.

Like I said, time will tell, and I've pinned my colours - well and truly - to the mast.

I'm fully prepared to emerge from this with egg on my face, and have people say they told me so.

Well, so be it.

I won't dodge it.

 

And I refuse to be dishonest, and cover up, or make out everything is fine, if it isn't.

Stupid I may be.

Liar, I ain't.

 

I'll never conceal stuff nor bluff it, and if I'm wrong, then I'll say so.

But it's different, and it's the first time it ever has been.

[freestyle]

Do you feel like you`re viewing him as a "diamond-in-the-rough"?

[TaraMaiden]

TbF, by the way, thank you for your question....

 

And thank you too freestyle - that's also a good question.

 

I see it this way.

I've been with him for nearly 5 years, and I think there are aspects to him that I still don't know about.

This is how defensive he is.

This is how self-protecting he is.

This is how hard it is to get him to open up.

there are moments, for example, when he hears or learns about anything to do with cruelty or injustice to children, that he cries.

He truly has extraordinarily tender aspects to his psyche.

And i think maybe, there's an element in there of a sadness for the childhood he never enjoyed.... a love he never experienced from his parents.

 

So on the one hand, he craves affection, understanding and kindness.

On the other hand, any attempts to get him to engage, connect and interact, he sees as an invasion of something intensely personal and private, and he resists with everything he's got. not because he's angry, (although there is that in part) but because the best form of defence is attack.....

It seems now, that it's taken him all this time for him to realise that he's never going to find better than me, and that I am good for him.

he needs me, because I'm the best thing he's ever had.

I'm not saying that to be big-headed, and if that's the way it comes across, I apologise.

but he's spent his entire life fending people off, and building barriers. to me, included.

I get the impression that he knows that unless he 'lets me in', there isn't going to be a me to let in.

So I think that this was maybe, just a hair's breadth of light finally dawning.....

 

That's the best I can give you right now.

 

[Trialbyfire]

Okay TM, then hold him to that maturation development. No more enabling. Hard boundaries so he can grow up to be a big, strong man!

 

Good luck!

[freestyle]

Sounds like you`ll have a very long,uphill road here, but it may be worth it.

 

As I have matured, I`ve come to realize that there will never be perfection, and I`m no longer as hasty to "throw out the baby with the bathwater".

 

Just don`t bruise yourself too hard banging on his wall.From what you`ve described, he sounds like a highly sensitive person (the high intellect factors in as well). IME, people like that will have a tendency towards introversion.There`s a scared child inside. One who will require enormous amounts of patience to deal with. But it can be done.

 

Wishing you my best.

[TaraMaiden]

TbF, you are so right. 'Enabling' is the key here.

see, you've all only had my version, and I'm sure that if he were to come in and participate, he would have his version of things....

I have tried my best to be honest and fair throughout, and perhaps, this is something I have omitted to say. And you bring it up well.

In many ways, I dis-abled him, and enabled his 'inadequate' input.

 

so somehow, I have to provide that emotional love, support and compassion I'd like to think I provide - but at the same time, remove the debilitating aspect of my attention to him, in order to facilitate his 'growing up'....if that isn't too jargon-ish!!

 

Thanks, freestyle. I hear you, and I appreciate it.

[Trialbyfire]

TM, you're a strong woman and sometimes, those of us have to learn to take a step backwards and let our men be men. It's why I let my man lead most of the time but with veto power, if he isn't leading with the best interests of the relationship in mind or it's a weakness. It works for us. Now whether your man is ready for that or whether it's even the relationship dynamic you both want, time will tell what makes the two of you happy, with the rebalancing of your relationship dynamic.

[marlena]

Good luck, Tara. He's very lucky to have you! I'm sure that you are a very positive influence in his life and hopefully this will help him grow into a more responsible and self-reliant individual.

[TaraMaiden]

TM, you're a strong woman and sometimes, those of us have to learn to take a step backwards and let our men be men. It's why I let my man lead most of the time but with veto power, if he isn't leading with the best interests of the relationship in mind or it's a weakness. It works for us. Now whether your man is ready for that or whether it's even the relationship dynamic you both want, time will tell what makes the two of you happy, with the rebalancing of your relationship dynamic.

 

Good points again; It's showing him that sometimes appearing weak (by releasing emotions appropriately) is not a weakness at all. And that gentleness is by far the stronger energy, when it comes to wrestling with power.

In the struggle between Rage and Patience - always bet on Patience. But even she needs to use a stick to poke with, sometimes!

 

Good luck, Tara. He's very lucky to have you! I'm sure that you are a very positive influence in his life and hopefully this will help him grow into a more responsible and self-reliant individual.

 

Well thank you marlena, that's very kind of you. I think it's a salutary lesson for both of us, that 'growing' never stops.... even the sequoias in the USA are still growing.....

if they've stood the test of time, then maybe we should take their example....

[wuggle]

Typical Buddhist, always changing there mind :rolleyes:

[Kasan]

I think it's a salutary lesson for both of us, that 'growing' never stops.... even the sequoias in the USA are still growing.....

 

if they've stood the test of time, then maybe we should take their example....

 

And perhaps the reason above is the "why" that some long-term relationships exist, or even better, manage to thrive.

 

Wishing you all the best Tara!

[TaraMaiden]

Typical Buddhist, always changing there mind :rolleyes:

 

 

Really, Wuggle..... that's really rather presumptuous of you....

 

You're making the foolish assumption I even have one......!! :laugh:

 

 

Thank you too, Kasan.

A long-time buddy if ever I had one!

[northstar1]

Good luck to you Tara, I hope he makes some important changes.

 

But keep in mind, if it doesn't improve soon, the captain doesn't have to go down with a sinking ship.

[freestyle]

there`s a line in a blues song that i believe applies here:

 

...............thank god for a strong woman.........

.................who knows when to be weak.........