Heartford Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Hi all! Question about controlling people: when they feel they're losing or have lost control of someone what are the different ways they typically react? For example, this guy I'm dating is often late, if I tease him that I hope he's not late for our next date, he will either be right on time, or be VERY late (hence the passive-aggressive part). If I make an issue out of it, he might avoid me for days, either reappearing as if nothing ever happened, or just waits for me to contact him. Another example: A friend of mine takes care of a very needy relative, who is primarily dependent upon her. My friend complains alot that other family members don't do enough to pitch in and help (a justified complaint) but when they do suddenly pitch in she basically disappears, or at least becomes very scarce, like with an attitude of "fine, if you're suddenly going to help out, I'm outta here." She says she wants balance between her help and some relatives help, but when she gets it she basically resents it and disappears. Also, when she feels angry at the person she's taking care of (too many demands, for example) she'll avoid most of her calls, stop visiting her for a week (or 2 or 3!), things like that, and then she'll resume as usual. I'm curious about what the various ways are that people do to try and regain control over another person, when control is a big issue for them. Somehow I'm aware that a strong need for control is linked to insecurity, as in being unsure of your own ability to handle the unpredictable, therefore you try to control everything and make things as predictable as possible. So for those of you who are a little controlling, and for those of you who've had experience with this, please share!
Author Heartford Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 There are no control freaks on this board? No one who's had experience with the kind of controlling people I've described, or other types of people with control issues?
Lauriebell82 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I'm curious about what the various ways are that people do to try and regain control over another person, when control is a big issue for them. Somehow I'm aware that a strong need for control is linked to insecurity, as in being unsure of your own ability to handle the unpredictable, therefore you try to control everything and make things as predictable as possible. ! Interesting theory there. Most control freaks do have insecurity, therefore need to have control over the situation in order to ease those feelings. Your boyfriend sounds passive-aggressive, not so much controlling. Controlling would be if he freaked out when you teased him about being late and turned the situation around to make it seem like YOU were in the wrong, such as "why are you giving me a hard time and nagging me, you have been late plenty of times." Control freaks do not avoid things you say believe me. Another variation would be "Your nagging me, how about I bitch the next time YOUR late!" My fiance can be a control freak, albeit, not as bad as my examples but he is king of the "stop nagging" comments. It's funny because he does it to me without even realizing it! So if I felt he was "nagging" I would point it out to him and it opened his eyes. It's pretty much diminished, I'll hear it once in awhile I just ignore him though and walk away. As far as your boyfriend, it's almost like you have to "train him." The next time he does it call him on his behavior. Not in a mean way or anything, make him aware of what he is doing. It sounds like teasing is what triggers the behavior so experiment. Don't tease him about it, tell him it's important to you for him to be on time, otherwise plans need to be rearranged. If he still displays the behavior AGAIN make him aware of what he is doing. The behavior should get less and less the more you ask/call him about it. And he'll be so annoyed that you keep telling him about it that he'll stop!
Author Heartford Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Interesting theory there. Most control freaks do have insecurity, therefore need to have control over the situation in order to ease those feelings. Your boyfriend sounds passive-aggressive, not so much controlling. Controlling would be if he freaked out when you teased him about being late and turned the situation around to make it seem like YOU were in the wrong, such as "why are you giving me a hard time and nagging me, you have been late plenty of times." Control freaks do not avoid things you say believe me. Another variation would be "Your nagging me, how about I bitch the next time YOUR late!" My fiance can be a control freak, albeit, not as bad as my examples but he is king of the "stop nagging" comments. It's funny because he does it to me without even realizing it! So if I felt he was "nagging" I would point it out to him and it opened his eyes. It's pretty much diminished, I'll hear it once in awhile I just ignore him though and walk away. As far as your boyfriend, it's almost like you have to "train him." The next time he does it call him on his behavior. Not in a mean way or anything, make him aware of what he is doing. It sounds like teasing is what triggers the behavior so experiment. Don't tease him about it, tell him it's important to you for him to be on time, otherwise plans need to be rearranged. If he still displays the behavior AGAIN make him aware of what he is doing. The behavior should get less and less the more you ask/call him about it. And he'll be so annoyed that you keep telling him about it that he'll stop! Hi Lauriebelle, and thanks for your response! I agree totally with what you've offered as the best way to deal with the guy I described. And I've done exactly what you've said. I didn't explain enough about the example I offered to get to why I felt he was controlling, I see that now, after your response. I have many examples of how he tries to control me thru comments he makes about the length of my nails, about my hair, how I dress, and even how I eat. (No, I'm not a piglet when I eat, I consider my style to be classic with hints of the current trend...) I feel he reacts initially to appease me, but then makes a point of meeting his initial behavior if not lowering the bar, in order to force me to either accept him or reject. But because he doesn't state these things outright, and only behaviorially brings them up, I believe he's passive-aggressive AND controlling. If I accept, he continues, if I reject (by calm confrontation) he runs away or behaves even worse the next time, thus lowering the bar even further. I'm not only looking to discuss my situation, but also am interested in other's stories of their experiences with these types of people. Again, thanks Lauriebelle, for your response, I hope to hear more.
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