Isolde Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 In a globalized, social networking obsessed culture, how should people strike a balance between recognizing the options that are out there and recognizing a special connection when it happens? This pertains to friendship, as well as R's. Too often I see people overstate the value of numbers, as if the fact that the world has billions of people somehow made loneliness less real. At the same time, people have become pickier and pickier about whom to spend limited amounts of free time with. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "There are many fish in the ocean," but I do think that there is some sort of dichotomy between the perception and the reality of how replaceable people are. I think that even the most easygoing and openminded person will only have several really meaningful relationships in their life, and that's as it should be. However, it is sad to see that despite the options available to us these days, so many don't find any meaningful friendships or relationships. I am interested in hearing your thoughts about this.
Thaddeus Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 At the same time, people have become pickier and pickier about whom to spend limited amounts of free time with.Well, how often does one hear or read the phrase, "I WON'T SETTLE!!"? It seems that if the other party doesn't match up to some sort of mythical checklist, then they're never even given a chance. Sometimes it's physical ("he must have a full head of hair" or "she must have big boobs"), sometimes it's something else... but there are always exclusionary aspects. And, of course, that checklist changes. What's OK on one day might not be OK the next. I despair, sometimes, that so many people - men and women - are looking for a tailor-made fit in an off-the-rack world, and a lot of good potential partners get passed up because their hair is getting thin or they don't have 44 DDs.
Author Isolde Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Thaddeus, the issue of standards is tangential, though certainly not unrelated, to my question, if you read carefully.
Kamille Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Hi Isolde, I recall thinking the same thing at one point in my life... And then decided that I was going to let the people I cared about know how important they were to me. In other words, I would change the world by treating others the way I want to be treated. Result: I feel a lot more surrounded and loved and like I am capable of establishing real meaningful relationships with family, friends and potential dates. But then, sometimes, when I read around LS, I think I live in quite a wonderful little corner of the world, where people are still honest, caring and giving. Where things surprisingly generally work out for the best even when they don't work out the way I want. Where people are still capable of taking the well-being of others into consideration before making decisions.
crosswordfiend Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Your observations are spot on. I definitely think that people these days spread themselves out too thin and are prioritizing quantity of relationships & activities over quality. Seriously, how many people's lives can one person possibly keep up with at one time. I think we are in an age where everyone is obsessed with keeping their options open. In the end, with so much choice, I'm not sure how anyone can be satisfied. There's a field of psychology devoted to studying how having too much choice causes people to freeze into inaction and constant second-guessing. I don't envy these people one bit. On a side note, have you noticed that now that everyone has a cell phone, they are a lot less available?
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 It's always a balance between independence/strength of will/tolerance v. isolation. There ARE disposable people in this world. There are also people who are well worth getting to know. It's up to each individual to decide who falls into each category, through treatment and behaviour.
loveslife Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I think a lot of people find others disposable. I think there's a real distinct lack of respect on some peoples' part for the others we share this planet with. And there's a lack of value placed on those connections. Definitely. People rarely just sit around and talk these days it seems. People don't take the time to get to know others as much. Like someone else has said I've tried to show those I care about just how much I care about them. I don't have tons and tons of friends, but those I count as my friends - well, I do feel they are meaningful relationships. And I'm grateful for those relationships. When I focus on the good relationships I feel loved and cozy and warm. When I focus on the other 99.999999% of the people I encounter I don't feel much of anything.
Green Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I think its very posible to be lonely even with all the people in the world. Things are better in that you can get info. But not every one is in your situation Isolde so it can be done and you will get it done if you make actual attempts at forming bonds with people to cure your loneliness and feel free to email me or what ever my internet friend
jerbear Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 In a globalized, social networking obsessed culture, how should people strike a balance between recognizing the options that are out there and recognizing a special connection when it happens? This pertains to friendship, as well as R's. Too often I see people overstate the value of numbers, as if the fact that the world has billions of people somehow made loneliness less real. At the same time, people have become pickier and pickier about whom to spend limited amounts of free time with. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "There are many fish in the ocean," but I do think that there is some sort of dichotomy between the perception and the reality of how replaceable people are. I think that even the most easygoing and openminded person will only have several really meaningful relationships in their life, and that's as it should be. However, it is sad to see that despite the options available to us these days, so many don't find any meaningful friendships or relationships. I am interested in hearing your thoughts about this. I think we should go green by saying we are recyclable. Everything has a time and place, including relationships. Some come and go. I've made many friends during college but many of them do not manifest afterwards. Even know I do not know where they are or what happened. Those earlier friends from HS, JHS, some I've kept in contact over Facebook or emails over the years. Having business relationships, one will learn that with time, everyone and everything is disposable.
Jersey Shortie Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Me and my 500 friends on facebook are very close. I think you got it right on Isolde.
Author Isolde Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 It's always a balance between independence/strength of will/tolerance v. isolation. There ARE disposable people in this world. There are also people who are well worth getting to know. It's up to each individual to decide who falls into each category, through treatment and behaviour. I agree with the first sentence. But this thread isn't about categorizing people as disposable vs. worthy, rather, about the idea that in general people are disposable.
Author Isolde Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Having business relationships, one will learn that with time, everyone and everything is disposable. Nothing lasts forever, but this is also a very relative thing. I wouldn't compare business and personal realms of relationships in this way.
Sam Spade Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Disposability is not a quality of other people, but of how we approach relationships. The point being that the purpose of a relationhsip is *precisely* to generate something that is not disposable, because, objectively speaking we are all disposable. Therefore, as soon as I sense a (excessive) disposability attitude, I'd dispose of the person in question . Sadly, "next"-ing based on dubious criteria is a widespread phenomenon that evokes scary images of permissive and otherwise incompetent parenting .
Author Isolde Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 The point being that the purpose of a relationship is *precisely* to generate something that is not disposable, because, objectively speaking we are all disposable. I couldn't agree with this part more.
Star Gazer Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Everything has a time and place, including relationships. Some come and go. I've made many friends during college but many of them do not manifest afterwards. Even know I do not know where they are or what happened. I absolutely agree. Not every meaningful relationship is meant to last forever. Everything has it's time and place. When it's no longer the right time and place, you move on (i.e., "dispose" of what's not working for you anymore).
Author Isolde Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I absolutely agree. Not every meaningful relationship is meant to last forever. Everything has it's time and place. When it's no longer the right time and place, you move on (i.e., "dispose" of what's not working for you anymore). An honest assessment that something isn't working or isn't right is not what I am referring to by disposable. I'm referring more to the "nexting" phenomenon or attaching a general lack of weight to interpersonal relationships.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I agree with the first sentence. But this thread isn't about categorizing people as disposable vs. worthy, rather, about the idea that in general people are disposable.I'm not certain you can separate the two unless it's the word "disposable" that offends. You can call it "late for lunch" if you want to but regardless how callously or politically correct manner you broach it, the net result is that everyone has control over their environment to a degree, and what influences they choose to retain within it.
Star Gazer Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 An honest assessment that something isn't working or isn't right is not what I am referring to by disposable. I'm referring more to the "nexting" phenomenon or attaching a general lack of weight to interpersonal relationships. Well, I suppose most people would not "next" someone they truly found valuable.
Author Isolde Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I'm not certain you can separate the two unless it's the word "disposable" that offends. You can call it "late for lunch" if you want to but regardless how callously or politically correct manner you broach it, the net result is that everyone has control over their environment to a degree, and what influences they choose to retain within it. Exactly, and unfortunately very often people's ideas of what is disposable don't match up. I understand that is just life. But I also think today's culture contributes to this.
sumdude Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Sorry for the long winded post and making it about me but this thread struck a nerve. This has been on my mind a lot lately. In the last three years my parents, aunts and uncles have passed away and my marriage ended with my wife leaving me suddenly. So who and what is important has taken a whole new focus. I was stunned when my wife left because it wasn't something I imagined happening that way. I failed to realize that she didn't put the same value on long term relationships as I did. In fact she was the sort of person who would move from scene to scene depending on who she was with. She would get a new group of friends and when that situation ended move on to a whole new set of people and burning bridges. Changed my perspective on relationships forever and for a bit made me feel 'disposable'. I have friendships that go back to before grade school and many others. I've always put high value on keeping relationships. I like to have close friends who know me, my past and I am not afraid of intimacy. At the same time I'm slow to meet new people particularly in a public setting. This is where the internet and places like LS come in. I've been hanging out here through the rocky parts of my marriage in that section. I got loads of advice during the divorce on that board and now that I'm single and starting to date again I find myself here. Then there's facebook and such which is a way to keep at least a small thread of a relationship going with people I rarely see or even talk to.
Author Isolde Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Well, I suppose most people would not "next" someone they truly found valuable. What I'm saying is that with the idea that there are so many options out there, people often don't ever come to a decision on what is valuable and what is not. sumdude, I'm so sorry to hear your story. I think facebook and such do have a place, don't get me wrong. In fact, I'm saying if anything people should put them to better use.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Exactly, and unfortunately very often people's ideas of what is disposable don't match up. I understand that is just life. But I also think today's culture contributes to this.I won't disagree but to battle a pervading concept like this would be an exercise in frustration. I prefer to embrace it but at the same time, realize I'm also disposable, which is acceptable.
sumdude Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 What I'm saying is that with the idea that there are so many options out there, people often don't ever come to a decision on what is valuable and what is not. sumdude, I'm so sorry to hear your story. I think facebook and such do have a place, don't get me wrong. In fact, I'm saying if anything people should put them to better use. Thanks, it's all OK now... luckily Ii have people on my life who are there for me when the s*** hits the fan. In the end that what it's really about. Who will actually be there for you and who will you be there for? Everything else is disposable..
Author Isolde Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I won't disagree but to battle a pervading concept like this would be an exercise in frustration. I prefer to embrace it but at the same time, realize I'm also disposable, which is acceptable. So how does one embrace it in a positive way? Do you just draw a really sharp line between the people you value and those you don't?
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 So how does one embrace it in a positive way? Do you just draw a really sharp line between the people you value and those you don't?I can only give you how I do it. Whether this is right or wrong, acceptable or not, is moot. Know your own value within relatively realistic parameters. This way you don't get beaten down by the disposability aspect.Look for redeeming qualities within people and if this outweighs the negative, then these are the people who you're going to retain and value.Also, look to people who value you, in the way that you can understand.
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