Hkizzle Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Again just seeing what your opinion is. If you click with someone as a friend, and assuming they're not physically unattractive, why didn't you just date that friend? Most people's best (opposite sex) friends are actually probably better long term partner material than most of the people they meet up with for dates.
JohnnyBlaze Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Because when things go bad, they can go really bad. At least, if you go through a messy breakup with a person you weren't previously friends with, you've lost an SO. If that happens with a good friend, you've lost an SO and a friend. Plus, if you two run in the same circles, how will you feel about seeing that other person constantly? Worse yet, how will you feel when they bring their new other around?
New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Because most people date other people they are attracted to and have sexual chemistry with. That's not always the case with friends. Sure, they be better long term partners, but how many people do you know who think "I'm going to forgo sexual attraction and date this person because they have a lot to offer and I think they'd be great in a LTR"? I do think some people start to think more like that as they get older. I may be wrong. Johnny Blaze also gave a good reason.
monkey00 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Because- A) I'm not attracted to them B) We're in the same circle of friends..it's not worth it.
Thornton Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Because you don't necessarily find your friend attractive, and vice versa, or maybe he/she is taken. Usually if someone is a good friend and you find each other attractive and you're both single then you will date. I had a great friend who I got on really well with, and I know he liked me, but I didn't reciprocate - I liked him as a person, but he was short and stumpy and a bit effeminate, and he always had that white stuff in the corners of his mouth... ugh. I had another good friend who was terribly handsome, but when we met he had a gf who he later married, so I never got a chance with him.
Fay Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Again just seeing what your opinion is. If you click with someone as a friend, and assuming they're not physically unattractive, why didn't you just date that friend? Most people's best (opposite sex) friends are actually probably better long term partner material than most of the people they meet up with for dates. Hah! I HAVE and usually DO! It makes no difference whatsoever, believe you me. Sh*t hits the fan either way.
missdependant Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I did it once, and it devastated our friendship. We were good friends for about 4 years.. dated for three. We tried to remain friends after the break-up and it didn't work. I am using that as a lesson.
WTRanger Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I don't want to lose a friend. What a crock of bullsh*t! It's a weak excuse in my book. Men and women are not designed to be friends. This is in the case where at least one of the "friends" has feelings for the other and in most cases it's mutual. It's just that usually one of the people is just kidding themself that they cannot possibly be in love with a friend. Yeah, God forbid that notion. The two of you get along extremely well. You both have everything major in common with a the right little things not in common to have a balanced relationship. The both of you are attracted to eachother. Heaven forbid a relationship forms! That would be the worst wouldn't it! I'd hate to be in a relationship like that! You don't remain friends with 99% of your ex's, so what does it matter? If your "friend" or you have any shred of feelings for each other, you are in a doomed friendship anyways. You'll lose them no matter what. So why not take a chance? Why are so many people so scared to be happy? Is your status in your precious social circle more important than the love of another human being?
Vet Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I don't want to lose a friend. What a crock of bullsh*t! It's a weak excuse in my book. Men and women are not designed to be friends. This is in the case where at least one of the "friends" has feelings for the other and in most cases it's mutual. It's just that usually one of the people is just kidding themself that they cannot possibly be in love with a friend. Yeah, God forbid that notion. The two of you get along extremely well. You both have everything major in common with a the right little things not in common to have a balanced relationship. The both of you are attracted to eachother. Heaven forbid a relationship forms! That would be the worst wouldn't it! I'd hate to be in a relationship like that! You don't remain friends with 99% of your ex's, so what does it matter? If your "friend" or you have any shred of feelings for each other, you are in a doomed friendship anyways. You'll lose them no matter what. So why not take a chance? Why are so many people so scared to be happy? Is your status in your precious social circle more important than the love of another human being? Wow, it seems like you've been jilted by a friend. You can get along extremely well and have lots of major things in common with someone, and that still wouldn't automatically mean you would be good for each other romantically. Although, I agree with you, I think "I don't want to lose a friend" is a BS response; it's a way to let friends down easy, but being brutally honest with someone you actually do care for platonically is sometimes a very hard thing to do, especially when they've put themselves out there. Also, I think it's very possible for men and women to be friends. However, I don't think it's possible if one person has unrequited romantic feelings for the other.
WTRanger Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Who here hasn't had feelings for a friend of the opposite sex? It sucks. Yes, I have gone through that before as have so many people on this board. In the end, she lost me as a friend (at least for the moment) anyways because currently I cannot just see her as a friend so I'm not going to hang around with these feelings and put that kind of pressure on both her and I. It's not fair to either of us. What I was getting at, was that if you would date that person in a heartbeat but the only thing holding you back was the fact that you started off as friends and you are afraid of the impact on your social circle, then that's a weak excuse. If you date some stranger long enough, they'll become part of your social life anyways. So what's the difference?
Vet Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 What I was getting at, was that if you would date that person in a heartbeat but the only thing holding you back was the fact that you started off as friends and you are afraid of the impact on your social circle, then that's a weak excuse. If you date some stranger long enough, they'll become part of your social life anyways. So what's the difference? What I'm getting at is that I don't think the vast majority of people actually use this excuse ("I don't want to ruin the friendship") truthfully. When two people who are friends both really want to date the other, that's what they do--the notion of saving the friendship goes out the window. It's only one it's one-sided that this excuse comes out.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I neither fcvk or date men who I view like brothers.
Fay Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 It could just be me, but... There are no friends. There is only sex. Men in this world fall into one of 3 categories: 1) I like them as people but am not sexually attracted to them. They are platonic and will always be, unless I get really hammered one night. Also, 99% chance I won't even bother spending too much time around them. 2) I don't necessarily like them as people but am sexually attracted to them. I may (or may not) have a ONS with them at some point, and the chances of that improve with the amount of booze in my blood. I will not spend time with them of my own free will. 3) I like them as people and am potentially sexually attracted to them. I will go out of my way to spend time with them. They will either be a) also attracted to me and like me as a person, in which case we will eventually screw like wild animals and become involved, or b) attracted to me but not necessarily into me as a person - in which case we will eventually screw like wild animals, maybe as a ONS, maybe a STR or FWB, but will never be deeply "involved". Do NOT take this as advice. This is my own dysfunctional life.
EddieN Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I always get confused by this. Don't women usually say they would rather be friends with a guy first before dating him?
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Eddie, for some like myself, there's a difference between good friends and friends.
Fay Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 It could just be me, but... There are no friends. There is only sex. Men in this world fall into one of 3 categories: 1) I like them as people but am not sexually attracted to them. They are platonic and will always be, unless I get really hammered one night. Also, 99% chance I won't even bother spending too much time around them. 2) I don't necessarily like them as people but am sexually attracted to them. I may (or may not) have a ONS with them at some point, and the chances of that improve with the amount of booze in my blood. I will not spend time with them of my own free will. 3) I like them as people and am potentially sexually attracted to them. I will go out of my way to spend time with them. They will either be a) also attracted to me and like me as a person, in which case we will eventually screw like wild animals and become involved, or b) attracted to me but not necessarily into me as a person - in which case we will eventually screw like wild animals, maybe as a ONS, maybe a STR or FWB, but will never be deeply "involved". Do NOT take this as advice. This is my own dysfunctional life. Sorry, by "men in this world" I meant "men in my life". There is, of course, that 99% of the world's men which falls into the fourth category: I dislike them as people and am not attracted to them. They might as well not even exist, but they do comprise the overwhelming majority of the male population. Just wanted to clarify.
Vet Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I always get confused by this. Don't women usually say they would rather be friends with a guy first before dating him? From my experience, this is just a defensive mechanism people use.
EddieN Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Eddie, for some like myself, there's a difference between good friends and friends. So "friend" just means you know him through someone else and you're pretty comfortable around him. "Good friend" means you're actually friends, as in you do things together in a platonic way. From my experience, this is just a defensive mechanism people use. As in, to be safe, a woman wants to know a guy a bit and become comfortable around him before she can date him?
Author Hkizzle Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 As in, to be safe, a woman wants to know a guy a bit and become comfortable around him before she can date him? Comfort yes........but comfort with sexual tension/ or a fantasy going. Create comfort without creating the fantasy = friendzone.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 So "friend" just means you know him through someone else and you're pretty comfortable around him. "Good friend" means you're actually friends, as in you do things together in a platonic way.A good friend is someone I would trust with almost anything, someone I've known for years and highly respect their opinion. We know each other so well, many things don't need to be said, they're just understood, sometimes through one word triggers or just an action.
EddieN Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Comfort yes........but comfort with sexual tension/ or a fantasy going. Create comfort without creating the fantasy = friendzone. Of course, that's a given.
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