MoscaVia Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 After 2 years of MC and one year of separation, H and I have moved back in together for our oldest childs Senior year, to save money and provide one last year of stability in the household. We live separate lives in the same house, like siblings- we don't argue, we don't laugh, we are just cordial- and this is mainly because there is nothing else there. It is what it is. We have always been this way (thus the marriage problems) and so our teens don't notice anything different. They don't yet know of our plan to D next summer. I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation.
giotto Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I have been for a few months. We were separated under the same roof, although our marriage has not always been a marriage of convenience.... We are back together now, but it's for the kids, really... the older two have noticed some problems, but at the moment it's more stable for them if we stay together...
happylife Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I think you'll find many of us on this site are in this situation although i think that there must be a glimmer of hope for us to put ourselves through it otherwise we wouldn't stay together. In my situaton we are going to try another shot at MC although many who have read my story think it's pointless I amazingly feel it's worth one more try because i want a good marriage or no marriage, 'convinience' is a horrible place to be.
carhill Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Your kids didn't notice you were separated? OK... Save money if you must but IMO don't delude yourselves into thinking they're oblivious. My instinct is it's going to be a long year, followed by a long divorce process. Sorry
giotto Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Your kids didn't notice you were separated? OK... Save money if you must but IMO don't delude yourselves into thinking they're oblivious. My instinct is it's going to be a long year, followed by a long divorce process. Sorry no, they didn't know because I didn't move out and we didn't tell them anything. They know that we have problems, but we don't argue or get mad at each other. We are civilised and we still do a lot of things together, as a family. Is this worse than dovorce? I don't know, really...
carhill Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Separation generally involves being physically separate and not having significant contact. An example would be living in separate domiciles and having contact specifically about the children. Using your example as the guideline would mean a significant portion of my friends have been separated during the course of their marriages. I can tell you, going through a divorce, my wife living in her own house a significant distance away is the best kind of separation I could imagine. No way would I want to live in the same house. I sacrificed a lot financially to get her there and it was worth every nickel. Some things in life are more important than money, sanity being amongst them. Good luck
giotto Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Separation generally involves being physically separate and not having significant contact. An example would be living in separate domiciles and having contact specifically about the children. Using your example as the guideline would mean a significant portion of my friends have been separated during the course of their marriages. I can tell you, going through a divorce, my wife living in her own house a significant distance away is the best kind of separation I could imagine. No way would I want to live in the same house. I sacrificed a lot financially to get her there and it was worth every nickel. Some things in life are more important than money, sanity being amongst them. Good luck cheers! I suppose it wasn't a separation "de facto"... we lived in the same house and I slept upstairs in my office. I could not afford to rent a place for myself. I really do care about my wife, but her falling out of love with me has made me falling out of love with her too... I would leave if I could, but for many reasons, I won't (yet)... I'm not mentally ready for such a huge step in my life...
mikedh Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I hear exactly what you going through. Me and my wife have been togather for almost 19 years. through the years i have lost my temper several times and have pushed her once or twice when i was trying to get out of the house after an argument and i knew i was loosing my temper and trying to do a walk to cool down before continuing with anything. Women have the ability to remember everything you do for years on end. now we just had our 2nd child 5 weeks ago and she has been hot and cold with me for a few weeks. i am not being confronted that our marriage is just for convenience. i am being blammed for not showing her any attention for the past 8 months and she has not been sleeping in the same bed for all that time and she is going back to an argument we had almost 2 years ago as the reaons for our distance. i also found out last week that she has been getting friendly with an old friend of hers and has had strong feelings for him for at least 2 months now. she says they are only friends, nothing more and will nto act on anything because we are married, but they talk and text all the time and into late hours of the night when i think she is sleeping. i ask her about him and she gets very defensive with me. i love her as much now as the day we met 19 years ago, but this is depressing me to the point i dont care about going on anymore.
beachbum84 Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Save money if you must but IMO don't delude yourselves into thinking they're oblivious. I have to agree with this. For my parents remained married for many years which felt like just for us kids. They slept in separate rooms, although we did family get togethers and whatnot it always felt wrong. They split 2 years ago after 33 years of marriage when my dad had an affair, and left my mom. I will say that as a child in that environment I felt the tension all the time, I knew why my mom was crying, and I knew why my dad was gone a lot. I knew it wasn't normal and it sucked that they thought they could pass it off as such. I wished for my mom that she would have respected herself enough to call it quits 13 years ago when they "separated" inside our house. All she got from it in the end was everyone's life moved on without her, I'm in Alabama, my sister is in North Carolina, my dad is here in Alabama with cheating girlfriend, and my mom is left in Michigan with a 6 bedroom house, all the pets, and a house full of memories of a sad life. She is in her early fifties now and I honestly don't see her finding happiness in a man for a long time to come. I feel guilty that she stayed together for us and sacrificed her life and happiness. She is all alone and it kills me that she now has to live like this because she stayed in a failed marriage for her kids. It is honorable to a degree what she did, but not a good role model to her kids of how to repesct yourself, and how a marriage is supposed to be. And another thing. There will never be a good time in your kids lives to split. If you don't do it now due to a senior year, then you will do it during the first year of college which is a huge adjustment for any young adult. Its never good timing, the sooner you get off the fence, the sooner your family can heal. For me my parents saved my high school years and college, but split in the midst of my first pregnancy, their first grandchild. It brought a ton of undue stress, emotions, and saddness. See there will never be a good time, so do it sooner than later is my best advice.
giotto Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 yes, and that's why we are back together... If I'm staying, I'm staying as a husband and father...
marlena Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I have to agree with this. For my parents remained married for many years which felt like just for us kids. They slept in separate rooms, although we did family get togethers and whatnot it always felt wrong. They split 2 years ago after 33 years of marriage when my dad had an affair, and left my mom. I will say that as a child in that environment I felt the tension all the time, I knew why my mom was crying, and I knew why my dad was gone a lot. I knew it wasn't normal and it sucked that they thought they could pass it off as such. I wished for my mom that she would have respected herself enough to call it quits 13 years ago when they "separated" inside our house. All she got from it in the end was everyone's life moved on without her, I'm in Alabama, my sister is in North Carolina, my dad is here in Alabama with cheating girlfriend, and my mom is left in Michigan with a 6 bedroom house, all the pets, and a house full of memories of a sad life. She is in her early fifties now and I honestly don't see her finding happiness in a man for a long time to come. I feel guilty that she stayed together for us and sacrificed her life and happiness. She is all alone and it kills me that she now has to live like this because she stayed in a failed marriage for her kids. It is honorable to a degree what she did, but not a good role model to her kids of how to repesct yourself, and how a marriage is supposed to be. And another thing. There will never be a good time in your kids lives to split. If you don't do it now due to a senior year, then you will do it during the first year of college which is a huge adjustment for any young adult. Its never good timing, the sooner you get off the fence, the sooner your family can heal. For me my parents saved my high school years and college, but split in the midst of my first pregnancy, their first grandchild. It brought a ton of undue stress, emotions, and saddness. See there will never be a good time, so do it sooner than later is my best advice. This is an excellent post and should be pinned IMO. I really do feel sympathy for your mother and wish she had not tragically wasted her better years trying to keep up a semblance of a family when essentially there was none. I can imagine how horrible it was for you kids having to feel all that tension around you as you were growing up. People who think that they can fool kids are only fooling themselves. I hope all those people out there who supposedly "stay for the kids" read your heartbreaking post and learn a thing or two from it. Thanks for sharing.
giotto Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 beachbum's case is extreme. Her parents did the wrong thing. You either are together or you are not. In my case, we care for each other, we don't argue and we do lots of things together... and this has to be agreed beforehand...
marlena Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 After 2 years of MC and one year of separation, H and I have moved back in together for our oldest childs Senior year, to save money and provide one last year of stability in the household. We live separate lives in the same house, like siblings- we don't argue, we don't laugh, we are just cordial- and this is mainly because there is nothing else there. It is what it is. We have always been this way (thus the marriage problems) and so our teens don't notice anything different. They don't yet know of our plan to D next summer. I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation. If you are both content or comfortable with the situation and there is no underlying current of tension, bitterness, resentment or frustration that your children can pick up on, then I don't see a problem. When the time comes to tell your children, they may not like it but at least they will know that there parents conducted themselves in a civilized manner. And that is setting a fine example for your children.
Author MoscaVia Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 If you are both content or comfortable with the situation and there is no underlying current of tension, bitterness, resentment or frustration that your children can pick up on, then I don't see a problem. When the time comes to tell your children, they may not like it but at least they will know that there parents conducted themselves in a civilized manner. And that is setting a fine example for your children. I am not content with it, and there is plenty of frustration....but I have resigned that this is how it has to be, I guess. After a while, one loses self-esteem and hope that it could ever be better, even with someone else, its self-defeating- thinking "oh well, this is what I was delt, I have to live with it, its better than nothing and I wouldn't find what I wanted anywhere else anyway"....and its a constant feeling of hopelessness, sadness, depression......you just give up.
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