polaris Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 My wife and I have been married for two years, and dated for two years before that. When we met, she had a weight problem, though I fell in love with her beauty both inside and out. Struggling with weight as long as she did, she proceeded to opt for stomach bypass surgery (her choice) and has lost a significant amount of weight. Naturally, she has become very shapely and has started wearing flattering clothing to work and out. She works in a male dominated industry, so it's not unusual to hear her talking about a male coworker. However, there is one that seemed to get way WAY more attention than any other. When she first met him (let's call him Bob), all she did was talk about him... their phone and IM chats, their text messages, on and on and on. One night, we were out very late at a concert where she drank more than should have and became a little tipsy. I'm familiar with the act of making "concert calls" when you're attending a concert and you dial a friend to let them listen in for a few seconds. She did something that I was rather shocked at. She "concert texted" Bob at a time most people would be asleep. I spoke with her the following morning and she recognized that it was wrong. I further told her that I was getting jealous of hearing this guy's name in every conversation we had. I reminded her that my first marriage ended because of an emotional affair that my ex-wife had with a man I thought was a trusted friend. So, she stopped talking about Bob for a long time. Flash to present day... She has resumed talking about him and often, as they are now also connected via Facebook. Surprisingly for a family guy, he only displays four photos (one that she took of him next to a billboard ad while on a business trip together, one including her at a bar / lounge, one of him alone and one from college with college buddies... NONE of his family!) They take local trips periodically to regional offices. With her recent promotion, she is now expected to fly beyond her region to perform oversight. Such a flight had been planned, but it wasn't until just a few days before the trip that I found out that she and Bob are both going. I found out when she slipped and said that the office had dinner plans made for "them". When I asked who "them" was, she clarified that she was traveling with Bob. Odd that he would have to fly with her. She claims it is because they did so well at the local offices, that the executives asked that they travel as a team to do the same at other offices. (red flag!) As an involved husband, I try to find things that we can have in common. We both have shown interest in learning how to play golf. Before we could arrange to have "couple's" lessons, Bob volunteered to teach my bothe of us how to golf, which she agreed to the lessons in spite of a conflicting calendar (we have visitation with my kids from my first marriage and so I can't go with them). Originally, the plans were for Sunday, but when she discovered that she made a scheduling mistake, he coincidentally was able to adjust his schedule as well and made himself available for her private golf lessons. Why does this supposed "family guy" want to hang out so much with my wife!!!??? Doesn't this guy DO ANYTHING with his own wife??? I confronted her about this just before her birthday. She understood that her friendship was hurting our marriage and she vowed to stop talking about him. However, thing hit critical mass two days later when on her Facebook, another of her male coworkers made a comment to wish her a happy birthday. However, in the same short message, he referenced Bob and stated that Bob "could fix anything". Puzzled by the comment, I replied to the coworker, asking for clarification and giving my phone number so he could call me. Rather than taking the adult approach to talk about it, he replied to my post in a very parochial manner, suggesting that everyone who could read my number, make prank calls to me. By this point, I was livid! We have since started to see a marriage counselor, who has admitted to seeing the same patterns that I saw, and admitted that the lack of a sex life was cause for concern. However, in the last two visits, they beat me up pretty good, citing that I am clingy and over controlling, and that it's my fault that I entertained my jealousy and insecurity. In his and my wife's minds, I should have accepted her explanation that "they are just friends" and moved on with my happy and innocent life. Am I wrong to be concerned here?
Mz. Pixie Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Get a new counselor. You are absolutely right to be concerned. Your wife is having at the very least an emotional affair with this guy. I wouldn't be surprised if it's physical. At any rate- if it's not- it will be by the time this trip is over. She does not need to go- or you need to go with her. How about surprise her with you going as well??
Author polaris Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Thank you for your feedback, Mz. Pixie. I should point out that what I posted, was taken from a letter I wrote to my wife a few weeks ago, in which I was asking "cupid" for help. Since this letter was written, she went on the trip. It was a terrible week for me. Though she did her best to edit herself and not reference him, on the last day of her trip, she was excited to go out and listen to the local music (she was somewhere important for the music industry) and spoke about how they (she used the word WE) were going to go out and listen to music and go to a few known band hangouts, all with such enthusiasm. You can only imagine how that upset me. She also said she was going to go catch a nap so that she could hang longer without being tired. However, I tried to call her during her nap and it went to voicemail. Later, when she returned my voicemail, she explained that I didn't hear her correctly, in that she went shopping in some store to look at souvenirs (not that I have seen any come out of her suit case). I appreciate your listening, er... reading, about my pain. Thank you for validating my concern and my seeing a dangerous pattern. I needed it!
stillafool Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 You definitely have reason to be concerned and hurt. How would your wife like it if you were carrying on this way with another woman. Why do grown people need to be on Facebook anyway? You should tell your wife you want to invite Bob and (his wife) over for a bar-b-que to get to know them since she and Bob spend so much time together. I think it is only fair that you get to know his wife and find out what her spend is on this situation. Why doesn't your wife give you sex? Your wife is not being fair to you and definitely fire that MC.
Author polaris Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Thanks for the idea and feedback, Stillafool. Actually, my wife had planned on having me meet him and his wife. However, it was at a local venue, where a band she recently became a HUGE fan of (thanks to his recommendation) was playing. Seeing how he influenced her in everything from sports, to drinks and now to music, was just too much for me to handle. I wonder if his wife even knows what's going on. For all I know, this is one-sided and he has no ill intentions (though my gut tells me there's more to it)...
stillafool Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 That's why you should insist on meeting him and his wife because something tells me she does not know what's going on. Trust me if you get the wife involved her intuition will pick up on anything that is going on with her H and your W. She will quickly put an end to their little playtime. If your W has no interest to include you and his W in a social situation something is definitely going on.
Author polaris Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Valid point! Thank you again for your feedback...
Jersey Shortie Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 No, you are not clingly and controlling. yes you should be concerned. I think the advice you were given is sound. Hope this works out for the best. time to rekindle the relationship.
teddy0153 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I don't think that you are clingy or controlling. I would be cautious about telling her not to make references about him, because that may be her cue to stop telling you things. I think it is good that she is telling you, but I would be wondering why she is thinking about him so much to the point that he comes up in conversation on a regular basis. Being married, you should be each others best friends, so I would be curious why she is giving this guy so much attention.
Lucky_One Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Personally, I'd put a keylogger on the computer. I think that she is having a physical EMA, and not just emotional. I would bet that she knew about the golf lesson scheduling conflict with your children, and that was just a ruse so that she could get time out of the house with him "legitimately and above board". After all, she should be there with you for visitation, right? Way too many red flags, and she is doing everything textbook for a MW.
summer1117 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 i dont think u are controlling! i am going through kinda the same thing u are! i hope u can work things out..
zilgurl Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Trust your gut- its pretty much always right. Im in a similar situation and can identify with you. Clear boundaries about what you will and what you wont tolerate need to be set in place. I can understand you feeling clingy and controlling. One thing I have learned is that its important not to try and make your partner change but you change how you are going to be instead. Dont argue but let her know quite categorically that you are no longer going to tolerate this OM influence in her life. If she continues then there will be a consequence. I have stated ( in my situation) that if it continues I will leave. Now the boot is slowly coming off and being put on the other foot so to speak. When you are with her do lots of things with her or at least have lots of communication and connecting- sex included.
Teslacoil Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I don't think you're controlling, unless you're giving us a VERY "rose colored glasses" picture of your behavior and your wife's actions. You've got a lot of red flags going on here. One of the ones that I think really stands out is the amount of time she spends with him, while coming up with reasons and scheduling issues which always prevent you from being with them while they're together. She's intentionally shutting you out. Very dangerous behavior. I can't understand why your counselor doesn't see this as a problem, unless you're not giving us a realistic picture of the situation or are leaving out important details.
torranceshipman Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 The counselor is crap - get another. There are red flags all over this...I personaly think the A has already started. I'm a big fan of the key logger idea so you can find out what's going on, as you've already tried to be upfront and ask her directly and honestly, and she hasn't taken that opportunity to be honest - so you need to get a key logger or something else to find out what is really happening here.
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