Probably Nothing You Haven't Seen Before

[MinTea]

So... This is probably nothing you haven't seen here before, but it's quite new to me. So here goes:

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 10 months now. We met at college, and he has since graduated (I won't be graduating till this coming may.. hopefully) and we are now both in our hometowns (about 2 hours distance) for the summer. So we were dating for 8 months before school ended.

 

We both realized that it would be tough getting through the summer since we're both working to pay off college debts, and we would be cut off from having any intimate time because both of our families are pretty strict about being alone with each other in private places. But this is the longest that either of us has survived in a relationship and we don't want it to just die.

 

So at first, the long distance thing went ok. We designated a certain time to talk on the phone or chat online each day. It didn't feel too much different from when we were dating at school because we were so busy with coursework at that time that we hung out mostly on the weekends and called each other daily on the phone during the week.

 

As these past two months have gone by... Things between us seem to be getting more and more casual. The time that we talk on the phone is getting pushed to being later and later. We used to talk around 10pm, now its midnight or later. I completely understand if he has obligations some nights, but this is every night now... I'm not opposed to staying up late, but he is. He calls me and tells me how tired he is. But I miss him so much, I can't bear to just talk for a few minutes and then just have it end. It hurts and I start crying all night. Lately i've been calling him back when I get like this. He answers and he says it breaks his heart to hear me cry, but there's nothing he can do about his schedule. But really... the latest he ever works is 10pm. I understand he can't talk to me earlier every night, but the current situation just isn't working!

 

It just makes me think how can we have a relationship if we can't make time for each other?

 

Sometimes when we talk on the phone or webcam, he's doing other things at the same time... like watching sports, browsing the web, instant messaging multiple people... I desprately try to not have any distractions around me when we talk, but he tells me that it's impossible for him to not have any distractions.

 

So sometimes I just feel so frustrated! I tell him how I feel and we end up getting nowhere... I think this pent up frustration makes me send angry zings his way... Then I offend him, then he offends me, and then we argue about little things, until I realize what i've done and start appologizing like there is no tomorrow.

 

I feel terrible now, because I'm keeping him up late when he's tired. He'll call, we'll talk for a bit, and then I call back in tears because I hate it how he calls me when he's ALREADY sleepy. I know he needs his rest, and dosen't tolerate staying up late very well... but when I feel like crying, it's important for me to know that I can come to him when I'm feeling so vulnerable and confused. I tried not calling him back when I was having a crying fit yesterday, and let me tell you, it's the worst feeling in the world to have that phone in your hand but are unable to call the person you want to talk to because you don't want to be any trouble. Luckily yesterday, he was having trouble sleeping and saw that I was still online. So he was able to help me calm down. But really, I can't keep doing this.

 

He needs rest and I need to respect that. I just don't know how I can get through the night without calling him again and again. And I don't exactly know why I'm doing this all of the sudden either. I don't want to be that girl that can't let go and give him some space... I'm just so confused right now.

 

We have met up about 3 times over the past two months. I went to his place once, he came to my place for my birthday, and we've gotten together at a place between our hometowns. I might be able to see him later this week, but we're not sure yet. I wish we could spend more time together when we DO meet up, but it ends up just being so many hours and I end up worrying the whole time about how much time we have left. "Oh no! Only 3 hours... 2.... 1.... 15 minutes." I know, I'm such a pessimist...

 

And I don't know if all this worrysome stuff is going to get better when I return to school. When I'm back on campus, I will only be about 45 minutes away from my boyfriend, and he says he can come over on the weekends. But I just don't know how to make this all work. I love him so much and I miss him, but I feel so lost right now and I don't know what I'm doing!

 

Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks.

[Romance]

I definitely understand the whole feeling bad about keeping him up later when he's already tired when he calls you..yet you just really want to talk to him. It's so frustrating.

 

When you go back to school soon, will you be closer to him? Or will this distance still be the same?

 

It seems like you guys have seen each other a decent amount..it really just takes some getting used to, it does seem like you both make the effort and I know it's hard to probably say "Hey could you make time where we just talk and you don't IM people or watch tv? " I know I'd feel needy asking that..but I think you do need to mention it to him

[MinTea]

Yes, when I return to school, we will be 45 minutes apart, and will probably be able to see each other most weekends. So things will be a little better.

 

And I have mentioned these issues to him. He apologizes to me, but says he really can't help it. On days that he works until 10, which is most days, he wants to wind down and get everything in order for the next day... So he replies to messages his friends leave him and IM's them, he watches TV to get relaxed for the night, he's also been doing some reading lately. I understand he has his hobbies, but I feel like I'm at the bottom of his checklist for the night. When he does get around to calling me, he's tired and doesn't want to talk all that long.

 

I really don't like just sitting and waiting for him to call me. I'll try calling or texting him at night, but he's usually busy and promises to call me later... which ends up being hours later.

 

This all just frustrates me because we used to MAKE time for each other at the beginning of the long distance part of our relationship... Now our time together is just the leftover time he has. As far as I know, not much has changed in his life since we both moved back to our hometowns. I don't understand how he has become so busy all of the sudden. I asked him about this and he doesn't feel that anything is different at all.

[Romance]

I wish I knew what to tell you, I have the same issue with my boyfriend being very busy late into the evenings! Kinda makes me feel unimportant but then I realize at least he's out having fun..I feel silly expecting him to come home just to sit on a telephone with me.

 

At least once school begins soon, none of this will be much of a problem for you!

[AnnPod]

Oh I hear you. My boyfriend and I happen to have 7 hours of time difference, believe me, this is worse, because someone is always tired, and therefore we just can't talk every day.

 

But anyway, I think you should respect that he needs time to do his work and don't feel offended. There are just situations when people are extremely busy, and someone who is always drama on the phone is really making it worse and putting even more pressure on them than they are already have. Because as you are writing, your boyfriend is not on a party marathon, but just working a lot.

 

One thing you really learn in a LDR the hard way is that you must learn to grounded and at piece with yourself not only to be happy, but to keep it going with the person you are with. And not to make issues out of little things (until you have some serious evidence that someone is not reliable).

[Island Girl]

This all just frustrates me because we used to MAKE time for each other at the beginning of the long distance part of our relationship... Now our time together is just the leftover time he has. As far as I know, not much has changed in his life since we both moved back to our hometowns. I don't understand how he has become so busy all of the sudden. I asked him about this and he doesn't feel that anything is different at all.

 

I understand what you are saying about his friends, hobbies, etc. coming before you as a priority.

And it should NOT be that way.

In any relationship -- LDR or face to face -- the partner should not be continually put at the bottom of the list.

 

Sometimes there are instances where work or school comes first. But all other things should be prioritized and the welfare (including needs, feelings, etc.) should be right up there. If the relationship is serious then the partner should be number one. PERIOD.

 

Talking about these kinds of things is sometimes productive and sometimes not. If you talk about things but there is no resolution - what things can be compromised on, etc. then perhaps writing about how you feel, what goes on that leads you feel that way, and what you are seeking as a remedy can be extremely helpful.

The other person can get a clear picture of what is happening and what you are seeing from your side with an invitation to get the issue solved.

 

The commitment to fix the issue comes from both sides. For instance, if he stepped up and gave you a commitment of undivided attention would that help? And regular calls 4 days a week with the other three being more of a "touch base I love you" calls so that he can do his relaxing and reading, etc.?

 

There has to be a give and take on both sides for any relationship to work and be successful.

That translates to the partner and their feelings, needs, etc. need consideration and attention.

 

Your boyfriend is getting lazy. His communication is slipping and he is taking advantage of you. He is believing that you should just be there without taking care of you.

If you have a plant you have to put effort into it for it to live. But extra effort for it to thrive.

This is a romantic relationship which needs sustenance.

You are feeling neglected and at the bottom of the list because he is treating you that way.

It is a problem. Not only does it cause you to try to overcompensate for the lack of attention (the neglect build and builds until as you say - you go crazy calling and calling him to get the feeling of being important to him and loved by him back) but if left unchecked - you can only take so much before the injured party starts to pull away too. Communication breaks down and then there is a good chance the relationship will end.

 

If you address it and it doesn't get resolved one thing you can do is re-prioritize YOUR life. It will be difficult - yes. But instead of being available whenever he decides to call make yourself scarce.

This is a last ditch effort. I advise you to try to work this out by communication first and foremost. BUT if your heartfelt extension to fix this falls on deaf ears you have no choice.

You simply can not be a doormat for him to walk all over -- or a toy he takes down when he wants to and puts on a shelf when it is convenient for him. You have feelings and you deserve to be cared for the same way you care for him.

 

 

But anyway, I think you should respect that he needs time to do his work and don't feel offended. There are just situations when people are extremely busy, and someone who is always drama on the phone is really making it worse and putting even more pressure on them than they are already have. Because as you are writing, your boyfriend is not on a party marathon, but just working a lot.

 

She has stated that nothing has changed since the time when they used to talk all the time, and earlier, etc.

 

 

And not to make issues out of little things (until you have some serious evidence that someone is not reliable).

 

I could not disagree more.

 

I have had to learn that the little things build and build - and are even more important in an LDR because SO MUCH is sacrificed already.

It is like a game of Jenga - with and LDR there are already pieces that are removed (lack of physical contact, everyday things such as being able to just be around the person everyday, etc.) so if communication wanes and it is a constant problem that is a crucial piece of that foundation is in jeopardy as well.

 

When these things build up to the final point of it being make or break it os MUCH harder to get on the same page.

 

Maintenance is A WHOLE LOT EASIER than repair.

 

And prevention is easier than dealing with the cure. -- That is, if you try to anticipate dealing with issues or changes that may happen it is so much easier that having a blow up for whatever reason and trying to get that ironed out.

 

In an LDR sometimes the "little things" are all you have. A phone call is it - there can be no hand holding or small physical gesture to state you are caring.

All you have is that other person's WORD about anything.

So if a person says "I will call at 10:00pm" -- it becomes even more important that it doesn't slide to 11:30pm, etc.

Proving one's word in action wherever possible helps the other to keep investing and trusting that their feelings are not being taken advantage of, taken for granted, played with, and that their heart and their trust is safe.

[MinTea]

Wow, thanks all. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Well.. not glad that you've all experienced some of this, but glad for the advice you can offer me.

 

Island Girl: That's such a long post, but very insightful! Thank you so much!! I haven't thought about some of those things. I see I have some things to work out and consider.

 

If you have a plant you have to put effort into it for it to live. But extra effort for it to thrive.

This is a romantic relationship which needs sustenance.

You are feeling neglected and at the bottom of the list because he is treating you that way.

It is a problem. Not only does it cause you to try to overcompensate for the lack of attention (the neglect build and builds until as you say - you go crazy calling and calling him to get the feeling of being important to him and loved by him back) but if left unchecked - you can only take so much before the injured party starts to pull away too. Communication breaks down and then there is a good chance the relationship will end.

 

I found this very helpful... and nice use of metaphor!

[Island Girl]

I found this very helpful... and nice use of metaphor!

 

I'm glad I could help.

 

I always used to say to my husband my thought:

 

Love is like a weed. It can grow in the most unlikely of places and survive all sorts of difficulties but, if you try, you CAN kill it.

 

In this case - I had to explain to him that if he did not follow through on his words, make US the number one priority, etc. those were all blows to the love and devotion I felt for him (and he had felt those things at times as well).

 

In his defense, when I also had a "lapse in judgment", he would tell me "I won't suffer blow after blow. If this is what you are going to do then give me sudden death not slow torture".

---- Yes, his romantic soul get a little dramatic at times! LOL

But that goes to show you it can go both ways.

[AnnPod]

Well we all have different means how to deal with things.

 

Of course one needs the little things. You somehow must be sure the other one is there etc. But in my experience, one must be stable enough to deal with the way people are. If I am working hard and don't have that much time, then I don't want my boyfriend to get a crisis all the time, go crazy and question whether I still love him and if our relationship makes sense. Sometimes when we talk I am very tired as well (as I said, we have time difference). The last thing I want then is someone complaining that I'm not that communicative.

 

And honestly, I am tired of notions like "sacrifice", "lack" etc. It's one's own choice to be in a situation like that, and until one finds a solution one has to cope with the things as they are. If I see my relationship as something like a fragile Jenga tower with removed pieces, I would be crying all day. I think when one decides to be in an LDR, one needs the fundamental believe that the things that connect two people are just bigger than that.

 

So sometimes it's good just to relax a little, and not to put too much pressure on a situation. And tears and drama make it worse, for oneself and for the other.

[Island Girl]

Of course one needs the little things. You somehow must be sure the other one is there etc. But in my experience, one must be stable enough to deal with the way people are.

 

The OP has explained things did not start out like this. Their communication was much different and has progressed into, not an occasional lag - due to "sometimes" having to work or anything else. It is now consistently lacking.

 

That in a nutshell tells me this isn't "just the way he is" but a change in priorities and effort.

 

If I am working hard and don't have that much time, then I don't want my boyfriend to get a crisis all the time, go crazy and question whether I still love him and if our relationship makes sense. Sometimes when we talk I am very tired as well (as I said, we have time difference). The last thing I want then is someone complaining that I'm not that communicative.

 

As I prefaced, sometimes work or school needs shift and there may be occasions where the regular communication may not be feasible.

Certainly circumstances can dictate changes as well.

All of these are understandable.

BUT if there is no work or school situation, and circumstances are unchanged, yet regular communication is not maintained there is an issue. And one that needs to be addressed.

 

And honestly, I am tired of notions like "sacrifice", "lack" etc. It's one's own choice to be in a situation like that, and until one finds a solution one has to cope with the things as they are.

 

Finding a solution is absolutely key. The problem needs to be addressed and resolved.

Both partners need to commit to do their share for the problem to be put to rest.

What often happens is it is talked about but just enough that it can be shoved aside. That guarantees the problem will come back again. And who wouldn't get tired of a relationship where the same "discussion" happens over and over again?

 

If I see my relationship as something like a fragile Jenga tower with removed pieces, I would be crying all day. I think when one decides to be in an LDR, one needs the fundamental believe that the things that connect two people are just bigger than that.

 

The things that connect two people are indeed bigger than that.

 

My relationship is far from fragile - time and huge problem tested - but there ARE things that are missing. There is no getting away from that.

 

If I chose to focus on the things I have been and continue to be without I would indeed cry all day.

I have chosen to strengthen what I do have instead and be thankful for those things.

 

What I stated was all of the pieces that consistently reinforce a connection between two people are not present all of the time in an LDR.

Would you disagree with that?

 

If so, I would be very interested at how you duplicate physical presence, touch, situational sharing, etc. that I simply do not have in my LDR.

[MinTea]

I don't bring these things up every time we talk... I understand that he has his own life too and I shouldn't "complain" because he's doing what he wants/needs to do each day. I have no right to tell him how to live his life or schedule his days.

 

But things worked much more smoothly until lately, and I try to bring up my concerns nicely, but I don't think he understands where I'm coming from.

 

I'm just frustrated is all...

[MinTea]

Oh... and what does "OP" mean? Sorry!

[musgrrl]

It means "Original Poster".

[MinTea]

Oooh.... Thank you!!!

[Island Girl]

I don't bring these things up every time we talk... I understand that he has his own life too and I shouldn't "complain" because he's doing what he wants/needs to do each day. I have no right to tell him how to live his life or schedule his days.

 

But things worked much more smoothly until lately, and I try to bring up my concerns nicely, but I don't think he understands where I'm coming from.

 

I'm just frustrated is all...

 

 

Exactly. You talk about it and he is apologetic but there is no resolution. So it keeps happening and you are hurt all over again.

 

Try writing out your feelings. Use "I" statements such as "I feel unimportant when..." and "I didn't feel these feelings when...(how things were in the beginning)" so you aren't confrontational or accusatory.

Also think about solutions not just the problem.

You said he likes his reading time and deprogramming time, etc. and I'm sure that you want him to enjoy these things so think about what amount of contact - within reason - would satisfy your needs and leave the door open for a dialogue to begin.

This should be an unemotional kind of strategy session where both of you come to an agreement and a clear understanding of what each of you expects/commits to from the other.

 

If you write this all out you can go back and revise things that may not sound right or come off badly.

Revise until you feel your writing is purely open and honest about how you feel.

 

And it wouldn't hurt to mention that you don't like having the same conversation about it over and over either. That if you could get to a compromise then the whole issue would be put in the past.

 

 

I didn't have a communication issue in my LDR but I have had some serious things to hammer out between the two of us. And writing like this has always helped.

In the past I have mailed them off - but I have also read them to him and now we can go immediately to the open and vulnerable place where we simply put things out there and just simply discuss until we have a plan.

 

 

It is no fun at all to have an issue that just is ongoing but hurts so much.

I do hope you can address this and get it solved.