SpanksTheMonkey Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Well Ive been living with my new partner for a few months now hes sweet and caring most of the time but then once in a while he can be quite cruel. Today was one of those days we are really struggling money wise and Ive been very depressed today he came up behind me in the kitchen and hugged me I thought great! I was happy until out comes this remark "you get uglier every day" I was like wtf? needless to say I was so hurt and mad I started going off on him so he started laughing and blowing it off. Saying it was a joke and that I was taking it to heart to much I started crying thats when he must have realized he really hurt me duh.. I dunno because he got all sweet at that point and said he was sorry for being a dick. And that he loves me and that I am good looking and all blah blah I don't know what to think right now I'm still very hurt. Am I blowing it out of proportion? can I get some feedback on this! why would some one who loves you act this way? and then do a 160 afterwords? Thanks... Hes done stuff like this before and he knows I get very upset/angry and maybe rightfully so I'm wondering if he doesn't get some kind of kick out of making me angry like that I just don't know it doesn't make any sense to me other then maybe a total lack of respect.. :(
boogieboy Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Youre blowing it out of proportion. Hes just teasing you. Dont take every word he says so seriously, and most of all, dont take yourself so seriously. Obviously hes a goof, youre just now finding this out?
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Youre blowing it out of proportion. Hes just teasing you. Dont take every word he says so seriously, and most of all, dont take yourself so seriously. Obviously hes a goof, youre just now finding this out? I can joke but to say something like that? thats hurtful and disrespectful no? I get uglier every day? Not said in a joking voice at all mind you alto I cant see how one could make that funny I'm guessing your a guy? Maybe females take more offense to such things? to me a joke is fine and good until it crosses a line and becomes hurtful.. I know hes a bit different but thats no excuse for having no respect for your partners feelings epically at a time when you see there already stressed/depressed..
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Hola, Spanks - LTNS. WTF? I wouldn't put up with those kinds of comments from a guy. I guess since you're going to stick around for his nasty comments (which equate with verbal abuse, IMO - they're designed to tear you down), you could lob one back. "I guess it's from looking at your ugly mug everyday. You know, people say that partners start to look alike the more time they spend together. I must be catching whatever it is that you've got." But really - I think it's important in a romantic relationship to speak loving words to each other that uplifts the other person. Not that they need your validation - but why should they have to hear the mean stuff? That's not cool. My xbf used to make jokes (not exactly like the one you made) and I'd call him on it and he'd say, "Oh, I was just kidding. Really." I told him that under ever "just kidding" is a shred of truth. He didn't believe me. But I hold firm to that statement. Either he's super-immature and back in grade school when boys flirted by insulting girls or hitting them...or he's just a straight-up *******. You decide if you like either trait. I wouldn't.
BCCA Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Here is the thing, what he said, compared to what us guys say to each other, was VERY mild. We usually rip on one another far worse than that, and about very personal things. Its hard to be able to scale it down enough to joke with your gf, while still making ourselves laugh. He was obviously joking, although considering the timing, it could have been in poor taste. Actions speak louder than words, he came up behind you and gave you a hug. He obviously does not think you are ugly, hes just a guy who makes simple mided jokes like every other guy. It wasnt the smoothest thing he ever did, but that doesnt mean he doesnt care about you.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Here is the thing, what he said, compared to what us guys say to each other, was VERY mild. We usually rip on one another far worse than that, and about very personal things. Do you expect your buddies to get naked and **** you? Women are turned on in their MINDS, first. Turn off the brain, and the legs stay closed. Not very smart, IMO. You want to make tasteless cracks at somebody's expense? Do it with your buddies.
BCCA Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Do you expect your buddies to get naked and **** you? Women are turned on in their MINDS, first. Turn off the brain, and the legs stay closed. Not very smart, IMO. You want to make tasteless cracks at somebody's expense? Do it with your buddies. Like I said, hardly his smoothest moment, but not something he should be entirely judged on. It was one stupid comment. If its a pattern, thats a different story, but I think ending a relationship over this is dumb.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Like I said, hardly his smoothest moment, but not something he should be entirely judged on. It was one stupid comment. If its a pattern, thats a different story, but I think ending a relationship over this is dumb. Hardly an isolated incident: Well Ive been living with my new partner for a few months now hes sweet and caring most of the time but then once in a while he can be quite cruel. Hes done stuff like this before and he knows I get very upset/angry and maybe rightfully so I'm wondering if he doesn't get some kind of kick out of making me angry like that I just don't know it doesn't make any sense to me other then maybe a total lack of respect.. :( If it WERE a one-time thing, I would have put the kibosh on it the first time. It sounds like this guy gets a kick out of being an ass.
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Do you expect your buddies to get naked and **** you? Women are turned on in their MINDS, first. Turn off the brain, and the legs stay closed. Not very smart, IMO. You want to make tasteless cracks at somebody's expense? Do it with your buddies. This is exactly how I feel when he makes these kind of "jokes" it eats away a tiny bit at my feelings for him making it harder to connect and trust. Especially since my last relationship before this was extremely abusive... This is his 1st ever hedro relationship yes hes bi hes 31 by the way so I give him a pass on allot of stuff but this was too much! I just spoke to him on the phone before he apologized again and again but I just know eventually he will say something like this again I just dunno like soul said I'm not onea his guy pals ya know. Hi soul Ive been around here and there larking at times thanks for the feedback Hun :bunny:
collegekid491 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Ok... my personal opinion is you need to lighten up, that's mild. It's quite obvious he didn't mean it. I mean, I can see how you would take it bad if it was a bad day and all, but he was probably trying to lighten the mood or distract from the problem to keep you from worrying about the financial issues. Honestly, if your dating the guy then you trust him right? Give him the benefit of the doubt, if he says something with a dramatic contrast he's trying to get a reaction by being a bit playful (as inappropriately phrased/timed as it was).
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 No this isent the 1st thing hes said hes said stupid stuff before I wouldent even be here if this was the 1st time... **sigh**
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 You guys are missing the point - HE IS A REPEAT-OFFENDER. There's a line between teasing somebody and being mean-spirited. I'd say maturity dictates which side you're on...or possibly self-worth. I tease/rag on guys I date - but I'm never MEAN. Big freaking difference. I would also agree that maybe not necessarily dump-worthy if it were the first time. But he has done it before. He KNOWS it upsets her. He keeps doing it. Spanks - you don't deserve this crap from him. I can't tell you how to fix it - that's up to you.
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Its interesting how the guys think its no big deal and the females think I'm validated at being upset yes hes said stupid mean things before and like I said this is his 1st male/female relationship so Ive given some of it a pass..
Bejita463 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Its interesting how the guys think its no big deal and the females think I'm validated at being upset yes hes said stupid mean things before and like I said this is his 1st male/female relationship so Ive given some of it a pass.. I find it likely that this is because the guys understand that what your boy was trying to do was innocent; include you in an aspect of his sense of humor. He can be vilified all anyone wants, but taking his actions into context make obvious that the comment was a joke. A poorly placed joke perhaps, but a joke all the same. That does not necessarily mean it was the right thing to do, but you did ask if you overreacted. My opinion is that you did, but that is not really relevant. What IS relevant is if his sense of humor is incompatible with you, asking him to repress it is no more fair than you going along with it when you do not want to do so. An ideal partner should not have to change or behave differently to be an ideal partner.
collegekid491 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 You guys are missing the point - HE IS A REPEAT-OFFENDER. There's a line between teasing somebody and being mean-spirited. I'd say maturity dictates which side you're on...or possibly self-worth. I tease/rag on guys I date - but I'm never MEAN. Big freaking difference. I would also agree that maybe not necessarily dump-worthy if it were the first time. But he has done it before. He KNOWS it upsets her. He keeps doing it. I'm not really missing the point, I have respect for you soulsearch, so lets not make this confrontational In response to why the guys and girls answer differently & soulsearch: I don't think any one of us guys is justifying what he said per say, more just saying that he didn't mean it personally. I mean, lets face it, he tried to be funny or haze you a bit and didn't think it through fully, no one can deny that. Most of us realize humor with your gf is different then with the boys. But what we are saying is it wasn't mean't to be spiteful, just stupid. The reason I personally say its not personal, is that if its so rare, and if he's usually so sweet except for a few words. But it's your judgment call, none of us were there. I mean, soulsearch may see a big brute saying your ugly seriously and eventually coming to comfort you because your crying so loud he can't watch the game, but myself, from what I read see lots of loving gestures and saying your ugly sarcastically and trying to cheer you up because he didn't mean it. If you see it as mean and you don't like it, you shouldn't settle for it, you deserve what you want. I personally have had gf's say stuff like that to me with a little grin on their face, I find it comical (may even shoot back with sexist joke, knowing she knows its my humor and will interpret it as humor), but your relationship is between the 2 of you and doesn't involve any of us, interpret and act as you see fit
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I'm not really missing the point, I have respect for you soulsearch, so lets not make this confrontational In response to why the guys and girls answer differently & soulsearch: I don't think any one of us guys is justifying what he said per say, more just saying that he didn't mean it personally. I mean, lets face it, he tried to be funny or haze you a bit and didn't think it through fully, no one can deny that. Most of us realize humor with your gf is different then with the boys. But what we are saying is it wasn't mean't to be spiteful, just stupid. The reason I personally say its not personal, is that if its so rare, and if he's usually so sweet except for a few words. But it's your judgment call, none of us were there. I mean, soulsearch may see a big brute saying your ugly seriously and eventually coming to comfort you because your crying so loud he can't watch the game, but myself, from what I read see lots of loving gestures and saying your ugly sarcastically and trying to cheer you up because he didn't mean it. If you see it as mean and you don't like it, you shouldn't settle for it, you deserve what you want. I personally have had gf's say stuff like that to me with a little grin on their face, I find it comical, but your relationship is between the 2 of you and doesn't involve any of us, interpret and act as you see fit Our last argument was this maybe this will help to shed a little more light on things ... it went like this Ive had a very sore foot lately think Ive injured my Achilles heal to be exact. Well I was soaking my foot in a little tub of water along comes Mr joker and takes a piss in the water after I told him NOT TO... I was again furious I was in pain and asked this person not to do this he ignored me and pissed in it still then tried to convince me he had changed it witch he hadn't so I had to struggle and change the water myself to be certain. Still think its all light hearted joking guys? things like this are is what is making me think this person had no respect for me not one off stupid comments its the hole picture I guess..
Bejita463 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Our last argument was this maybe this will help to shed a little more light on things ... it went like this Ive had a very sore foot lately think Ive injured my Achilles heal to be exact. Well I was soaking my foot in a little tub of water along comes Mr joker and takes a piss in the water after I told him NOT TO... I was again furious I was in pain and asked this person not to do this he ignored me and pissed in it still then tried to convince me he had changed it witch he hadn't so I had to struggle and change the water myself to be certain. Still think its all light hearted joking guys? things like this are is what is making me think this person had no respect for me not one off stupid comments its the hole picture I guess.. THAT, is not light-hearted joking. If he thinks it is, it is not funny. If one of my male friends did some **** like that to me, I'd have one less male friend.
collegekid491 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Our last argument was this maybe this will help to shed a little more light on things ... it went like this Ive had a very sore foot lately think Ive injured my Achilles heal to be exact. Well I was soaking my foot in a little tub of water along comes Mr joker and takes a piss in the water after I told him NOT TO... I was again furious I was in pain and asked this person not to do this he ignored me and pissed in it still then tried to convince me he had changed it witch he hadn't so I had to struggle and change the water myself to be certain. Still think its all light hearted joking guys? things like this are is what is making me think this person had no respect for me not one off stupid comments its the hole picture I guess.. Ya... that paints a much different picture then what I was seeing. That is just... ya, beyond words. I won't lie, I have had buddy's do much more disturbing stuff, but it takes a lot more fore thought to whip out your equipment and pee in the water then say a few misplaced words. No longer a case of accidently crossing the line, more like taking a running start
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Yeah I thought that might help clear things up a little its a constant thing but he mixes it with what I guess to be genuine caring so I'm frickin confused. Ive tried to tell him to stop acting like this and doing this stuff he dose for a while but then eventually it creeps back in. He usta have a very upsetting cruel nic name for me! Took ages to get him to stop it he still brings it back up from time to time I get upset he giggles I just don't know. Maybe I need to actually end things and then he will get the message. He himself has told me he doesn't always treat me with enough respect and that he would change certain behaviors but like I said it dose for a while then its back..
collegekid491 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I guess the real question is if you want to go the rest of your life dealing with these conflicting actions, or if you realize you deserve better and go and find it In my experiences, if its a issue, it will only grow, and if you have attempted to resolve it and it hasn't worked... :s. I have no clue how you could resolve it other then simply making it black and white for him, which you already did. But its obviously a problem that needs a solution, wither the solution involves him in your life or not
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 The pee in the water thing doesn't entirely surprise me. To have a guy just straight-up disrespect me by insulting my looks indicates to me a deeper issue. What you guys may have misunderstood is that I don't care if the guy says it - it's not going to kill me. But it's all about respect. And I feel if somebody can continue to do those types of things after he's been told NOT to...well, the disrespect just continues. I suppose the reason I don't find, "You're ugly" cute is because I'm not into guys younger than me or even right around my age. The maturity level just isn't quite there. Guys tease me...I've been teased plenty by guys. I'd have to find a specific example, but stuff that has made me go and then start laughing because I realize he was joking. Usually he gets some banter back. I'm not averse to teasing in a relationship. Good humor keeps things interesting and I ADORE a verbal jousting session (NOT fighting...teasing) - it gets me super-hot. OK...to think of some most recent "teases" that the guy I'm seeing has given... I told him about my really poor attempt at getting on the hi-speed chairlift when I was learning snowboarding. He keeps teasing me about it and saying he wished he could have seen it - it sounds hilarious. He has also teased me about a comment I made about my firearms instructor - trying to make it sound like I exchanged sexual favors to get a good grade. He teased me about an ex. He has teased me about an insecurity I have to try and get me to lighten up about it...and it worked. What I'm trying to get at is there's a light-hearted, fun, caring way to joke with somebody, and then there's the mean-spirited way that you do it to put the person below you so you can feel better about yourself. That's just jacked up. Spanks - with the peeing incident, I'd feel like I was living with my little brother, not a lover. I'd be so done, it's not even funny.
Els Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Hey STM. I'm a female... and I think there are two components here. His intent... I can't be sure, honestly. He COULD be a jackass who gets off on chipping away on his girl's self-esteem. Or he COULD just be a bumbler with a really bad sense of humour and an inability to distinguish between 'things which you say to your male buddies' and 'things which you say to your girlfriend'. BUT regardless... if it does bother you so much you should talk to him seriously about it. Tell him it eats at your security and self-esteem. And THEN if he keeps doing it... you know what to do. My bf and I do make jokes about each other, but we actually make sure that they're witty, not 'You're stupid' or 'You're ugly'.
WTRanger Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 This guy doesn't have a filter or he just see's you as one of the guys. Either way, you've got to fight the female urge to hold in his comments until they explode later on in life. If he says something, even as a joke, call him out! Right then and there. It's the only way he'll learn. If he refuses to learn, then you need to lay it on the line for him. Or you can fight fire with fire. If he wants to see you as one of the guys, fight back. Next time he says you are getting uglier or fatter you look fire back with, "Yeah, and your dick is getting smaller by the day. This morning I wasn't sure what was pressing up against me, your morning wood or a half roll of pennies." Hit him where it hurts. See how he likes it. Is it childish? Yes. But some people only respond by escalation of force. Ask your guy friends for dick insults. They've got loads of them.
loveslife Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Sheesh, this guy just sounds like a real jerk. Sounds very immature. No guy has ever urinated on me, and I definitely would find that disrespectful. The other comment about you being ugly is just dumb on his part. I remember this guy I was seeing called me a "stupid git." Now, he's british and it was meant as a chummy type thing, but I really did not like it one bit. It really rubbed me the wrong way. If this guy knows he's being disrespectful and he also knows you're going to stay with him regardless, he has no reason to stop. Truth is, it says more about him than it does about you. People who respect themselves show respect for other people. It sounds like you guys just aren't compatible.
stace79 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Well I wouldn't really care if it was the first time or 50th time. I don't find myself attracted to guys who think insulting me is funny-ha ha. If he likes making cruel jokes, and since he's bi, maybe he should date one of his male friends who "gets it". I don't. To the OP -- you do not have to be in any relationship at all if you don't want, much less one with someone who hurts your feelings. If he doesn't get that it hurts your feelings, and he doesn't stop, then he is not worth your time or tears. Seriously, you can't just apologize every time you do something wrong, but then keep doing the same wrong thing over and over again! His apologies should start to lose their meaning with you.
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